i've been found guilty by germ for neglecting my blog. well, can't blame me for being not-so-eloquent with english mah! i mean, it's hard for me to express how i feel anyway. and when i can't express how i feel, how on earth do i actually put it down in a language i am not good at??!!
but still, i figure i should still write something so that my faithful readers, however few there are, would not get bored of reading the same stuff over and over again.
nothing much has happened in my life, except i've been SLACKING like mad for the whole easter break. i have this false sense of security. i know that one day all my work is going to come crashing down on me at one go.
but, i am enjoying this false sense of security...lazing around reading novels and watching tv feels good. better enjoy it while i can, before the harsh reality come barging back into my serene and peaceful world once again.
lunch was great today, thanks to esther who brought us along to her friend's place. esther's church friend (aunty mary) prepared yummy drumsticks, quiche, apple salad and garden salad. and then there was fantalicious mango pudding by aunty sue (my favourite!) and apple crumble + ice cream from us for dessert. i am so stuffed with food, i think dinner is unnecessary tonight.
one thing i learnt today: I dun like people piling food on my plate. ok, i know i eat alot for a girl my size. but still, i am NOT (i repeat, NOT) a trashcan. worse still, with my incessant need to finish food on moi plate, i eat every single bit and crumb and end up feeling bloated like a bongo drum. yiikkees!!! *grumble grumble
so pls pls PLEASE, dun pile food on my plate. i am capable of serving myself, thank you very much. and when i said "i am full, no thanks", i mean "i can't eat anymore or i'll puke". so unless you are interested in seeing me throwing up, get those food off my plate. Thank you very much.
germ is out tonight with,ahem, somebody. *snigger* so i am left alone...again. strange that just a month ago, i would love to be alone in the apartment...but now, i miss germ. even though she's sick and is acting abit cranky at times. i miss having her to talk to (on msn or in person)...having her around to nag at her...sighz.
germ!! come back quickly!!
8.16pm...better go shower and perhaps start preparing something to eat for "dinner", although the thought of eating is making me nauseous *grimace*
soccer day
i haven't kicked a soccer ball for more than a year...and i actually missed playing soccer (even though when the guys were here, i always seem very un-enthu about it...)
and today, i actually played soccer at princes park! Many thanks to Kenneth who organised this soccer game on Easter Monday *applause
there were only 7 of us though..and 3 girls,4 guys...so can imagine how slaugthered the team would be with the girls. i am not used to playing soccer on field though. i only played on field once...so i was quite apprehensive about it. and princes park was where wp tore his ACL 2 Good Fridays ago. was feeling quite scared of playing on the field.
but the game was pretty ok..except for the fact that the goal posts were miles apart and running from one end to the other has caused strains in my rectus femoris bilaterally. i felt so breathless on the field, as if oxygen can't get into my lungs. and did i mention the stitch in my left side which felt like a knife was being stabbed right between my ribs? OUCH!!
still, i enjoyed the feeling of chasing after the ball and trying to score goals (but failing miserably most of the times). brings back happy memories on the CS netball/basketball/tennis court.
playing soccer today made me realised how much fun i had with the guys. even when we dun play a game, and just practised shooting penalties/trying to curl the ball. we goof around, laughing at each other's weird antics. would always remember jf having to climb into the rubbish chute to get the ball that flew in...and wp's occasional war cry before he fires the ball with full power at unsuspecting victims like me...and edwin's explicit show of fustration when he fails to score. and of course, i'd always savour the taste of accomplishment when i actually manage to score a goal on those rare occasions, beaming with pride and joy.
never knew i can be into soccer like that. but i know i am way off from being as good as them. i'd still need "god mode" in order to play with them. nonetheless, i am definitely looking forward to a reunion soccer match some day in the future...perhaps, in the heat and humidity of sunny singapore...
and today, i actually played soccer at princes park! Many thanks to Kenneth who organised this soccer game on Easter Monday *applause
there were only 7 of us though..and 3 girls,4 guys...so can imagine how slaugthered the team would be with the girls. i am not used to playing soccer on field though. i only played on field once...so i was quite apprehensive about it. and princes park was where wp tore his ACL 2 Good Fridays ago. was feeling quite scared of playing on the field.
but the game was pretty ok..except for the fact that the goal posts were miles apart and running from one end to the other has caused strains in my rectus femoris bilaterally. i felt so breathless on the field, as if oxygen can't get into my lungs. and did i mention the stitch in my left side which felt like a knife was being stabbed right between my ribs? OUCH!!
still, i enjoyed the feeling of chasing after the ball and trying to score goals (but failing miserably most of the times). brings back happy memories on the CS netball/basketball/tennis court.
playing soccer today made me realised how much fun i had with the guys. even when we dun play a game, and just practised shooting penalties/trying to curl the ball. we goof around, laughing at each other's weird antics. would always remember jf having to climb into the rubbish chute to get the ball that flew in...and wp's occasional war cry before he fires the ball with full power at unsuspecting victims like me...and edwin's explicit show of fustration when he fails to score. and of course, i'd always savour the taste of accomplishment when i actually manage to score a goal on those rare occasions, beaming with pride and joy.
never knew i can be into soccer like that. but i know i am way off from being as good as them. i'd still need "god mode" in order to play with them. nonetheless, i am definitely looking forward to a reunion soccer match some day in the future...perhaps, in the heat and humidity of sunny singapore...
thinking way too much
night time. people have been telling me that depression sets in at night cos that's when everything slows down and it's quiet. when i get the time to think and ponder...when my brain goes into super-hyperactive mode.
and i think it's true. because apart from the fact that i am MSN-ing with 2 people, i have no reason to stay awake. except my brain is refusing to relax and go into sleep mode. it's gone into a spiral of re-visiting the past and zooming into the future. thinking of the "if onlys" and "what ifs". things i dun wanna think abt at almost 1am.
我的心, 我的情, 我的致命伤.
心已碎, 情已绝. 只剩泪两行.
是寂寞, 是忧愁, 看前途茫茫.
不回头, 不后悔, 不给予希望.
looking back causes too much pain...looking ahead instills too much fear. i seem to have lost all confidence in myself. dunno how to get myself back on track. a furiously blushing girl who can't get a sentence out properly isn't exactly an image i want to remain in. i need confidence+self-esteem+self-image boost. too bad they dun add that as boosters for Boost Juice.
and i think it's true. because apart from the fact that i am MSN-ing with 2 people, i have no reason to stay awake. except my brain is refusing to relax and go into sleep mode. it's gone into a spiral of re-visiting the past and zooming into the future. thinking of the "if onlys" and "what ifs". things i dun wanna think abt at almost 1am.
我的心, 我的情, 我的致命伤.
心已碎, 情已绝. 只剩泪两行.
是寂寞, 是忧愁, 看前途茫茫.
不回头, 不后悔, 不给予希望.
looking back causes too much pain...looking ahead instills too much fear. i seem to have lost all confidence in myself. dunno how to get myself back on track. a furiously blushing girl who can't get a sentence out properly isn't exactly an image i want to remain in. i need confidence+self-esteem+self-image boost. too bad they dun add that as boosters for Boost Juice.
lazy sat afternoon
Gelati always cheers me up. no matter where, no matter when...be it in the middle of winter or heart of summer...the creamy, icy sensation as it slids down my throat always make me go
MMMmmmm
although i must say now gelati has much more significance than 3 years ago. now, each time i lick my favourite flavours off the crunchy cones, i'll be reminded of all the happy times i had with my various gelati kakis.
a super-lazy cum slacker saturday for me and germaine. clubbing last night has left both of us in a STONED state this morning. but i did managed to meet up with dearez Trudy after months. had a nice long chat with her...it feels good to talk to someone my age. when i'm around the gang of gals here at university place, i always feel old and haggard. and it was so nice to hear news about the other 99S76-ers. *gossip gossip*
the beautiful weather finally coaxed me and germaine out of the apartment to go to safeway. while we were there, we found out that the "biggest oriental supermarket in melbourne" has opened in QV. it was pretty huge, and stocked the nicest asian stuff. we found calbee hot and spicy potato chips and roller coaster. but they were priced way above that in Singapore. a pack of hot and spicy chips for AUD$3.....crazy...absolutely insane.
anyway, germ and i decided we dun wanna stay in when the weather is so fine (i mean, this could be the last fine day in melbouren until months later...u never know...) so we came back and changed and trotted off to Lygon street for yummy gelati. oooh..i can still taste the durian gelati...i think the silly grin on my face isn't going to go away for awhile :P we sat in carlton gardens, basking in the warm rays of the autumn sun and let our skin soaked up whatever sun we can.
a saturday which i accomplished nothing actually. but i feel so happy, contented...and seriously very sleepy. i guess it's really true that the sun do sap energy out of people.
looking forward to pigging out in front of the TV tomorrow with 还珠格格III, soccer on monday, shopping on tuesday and dinner out at caulfield on saturday. *grinning* my last easter break in melbourne...and so far, it has been enjoyable. *cross fingers* and i hope it'll be enjoyable all the way.
MMMmmmm
although i must say now gelati has much more significance than 3 years ago. now, each time i lick my favourite flavours off the crunchy cones, i'll be reminded of all the happy times i had with my various gelati kakis.
a super-lazy cum slacker saturday for me and germaine. clubbing last night has left both of us in a STONED state this morning. but i did managed to meet up with dearez Trudy after months. had a nice long chat with her...it feels good to talk to someone my age. when i'm around the gang of gals here at university place, i always feel old and haggard. and it was so nice to hear news about the other 99S76-ers. *gossip gossip*
the beautiful weather finally coaxed me and germaine out of the apartment to go to safeway. while we were there, we found out that the "biggest oriental supermarket in melbourne" has opened in QV. it was pretty huge, and stocked the nicest asian stuff. we found calbee hot and spicy potato chips and roller coaster. but they were priced way above that in Singapore. a pack of hot and spicy chips for AUD$3.....crazy...absolutely insane.
anyway, germ and i decided we dun wanna stay in when the weather is so fine (i mean, this could be the last fine day in melbouren until months later...u never know...) so we came back and changed and trotted off to Lygon street for yummy gelati. oooh..i can still taste the durian gelati...i think the silly grin on my face isn't going to go away for awhile :P we sat in carlton gardens, basking in the warm rays of the autumn sun and let our skin soaked up whatever sun we can.
a saturday which i accomplished nothing actually. but i feel so happy, contented...and seriously very sleepy. i guess it's really true that the sun do sap energy out of people.
looking forward to pigging out in front of the TV tomorrow with 还珠格格III, soccer on monday, shopping on tuesday and dinner out at caulfield on saturday. *grinning* my last easter break in melbourne...and so far, it has been enjoyable. *cross fingers* and i hope it'll be enjoyable all the way.
wat wrong have i done...again?
half an hour ago, i was undressed and halfway through putting moisturiser on myself when i heard knocking on the door. as germaine was out, i had to be the one to answer the door. so, i put on my clothes as fast as i could. and the knocking kept going on and on...
after what seem like an eternity,i got my track pants on...rushed to the door and opened it to find Esther standing there.
E: Why you not coming to watch movie with us?!
G: HUH?? i din know it was confirmed mah.
ok, i know i've committed alot of wrongs recently. but, does than mean everyone gets to play a guilt trip on me? i was merely trying to forget about my lousy musc clinical marks...trying to enjoy F.R.I.E.N.D.S. on my laptop...trying to stem the flow of tears down my throat instead of down my cheeks. how was i to know there was a confirmed movie thingie tonight?
and why do i get blamed and labelled as "anti-social"? was it my fault? did i do something wrong again?
esther said i very bad...dun wanna join them for movies. but... i din even know they are going for movie tonight. so how come she still manage to make me feel guilty and that i've just disappointed a whole group of people?
i'm confused. i have people telling me i am nice, i am not evil...not mean...and then now,i have somone coming to my apartment and telling me i am "very bad" and "anti-social". so what am i? good or bad? right or wrong? nice or nasty?
i dunno wat to think anymore. and i dunno who to turn to anymore. who should i ask for help? who can i ask for advice? who would not shun me? who would listen and let me cry?
after what seem like an eternity,i got my track pants on...rushed to the door and opened it to find Esther standing there.
E: Why you not coming to watch movie with us?!
G: HUH?? i din know it was confirmed mah.
ok, i know i've committed alot of wrongs recently. but, does than mean everyone gets to play a guilt trip on me? i was merely trying to forget about my lousy musc clinical marks...trying to enjoy F.R.I.E.N.D.S. on my laptop...trying to stem the flow of tears down my throat instead of down my cheeks. how was i to know there was a confirmed movie thingie tonight?
and why do i get blamed and labelled as "anti-social"? was it my fault? did i do something wrong again?
esther said i very bad...dun wanna join them for movies. but... i din even know they are going for movie tonight. so how come she still manage to make me feel guilty and that i've just disappointed a whole group of people?
i'm confused. i have people telling me i am nice, i am not evil...not mean...and then now,i have somone coming to my apartment and telling me i am "very bad" and "anti-social". so what am i? good or bad? right or wrong? nice or nasty?
i dunno wat to think anymore. and i dunno who to turn to anymore. who should i ask for help? who can i ask for advice? who would not shun me? who would listen and let me cry?
one more day........
one more day of clinics before easter break.
woo hoo...
i woke up this morning, and my body felt lead-like...for one second, a thought fleeted through my hazy mind: call in sick...call in sick then u can sleep for another few more hours
but, as usual, my conscience (whatever that was left of it) kick into action and i dragged my almost-dead body out of bed. ooh, how i wish i can just catch 1 more hour of sleep!!! nowadays, i get up, zombie-ly wash up, eat breakfast and just crave for the moment when i can be on the train. the moment i sit down on the train seat, i lean my head back/drop my head forward and fall asleep.
as a result, my neck is aching like crazy. i feel like 2 metals rods have been implanted beside my cervical verterbrae. i need mobs...i need manipulation. been having this tight feeling in my head for the past few days. and my left knee is acting up again. ouchie! this clinic is killing me, one brain cell at a time..one joint at a time...one body part at a time.
one more day...多一天...when i arrive back from clinics tomorrow, i can just sit back and relax. and i am so going to sleep in on Good Friday. in fact, this Good Friday is going to be literally very GOOD for me.
never knew how important that 7 hours of sleep is, until i start getting only 5-6 hours. worse still, my nights had been fraught with tears and sadness...making deep sleep a thing of the past. haven't had a really restful sleep in ages. i go to bed, exhausted...then i can't get to sleep. toss and turn for ages before i drift off into a half-sleep-half-awake state. after what seems like only 5 seconds, i hear my alarm go off.
so, can't blame myself for behaving like a cranky old woman...though there is one good thing abt my lack of sleep. i've lost quite abit of "flesh". my arms feel smaller, my clothes are getting looser with each passing week. at this rate, i'd have to shop for an entirely new wardrobe soon.
though i am happy tomorrow's my last day at Northern, a niggling thought hovers right at the back of my head. tomorrow, i am going to get my final feedback. haven't been performing well for this clinic. not looking forward to getting my grades. would tomorrow be ruined by my incapability to be a musc physio? *heart palpitations*
woo hoo...
i woke up this morning, and my body felt lead-like...for one second, a thought fleeted through my hazy mind: call in sick...call in sick then u can sleep for another few more hours
but, as usual, my conscience (whatever that was left of it) kick into action and i dragged my almost-dead body out of bed. ooh, how i wish i can just catch 1 more hour of sleep!!! nowadays, i get up, zombie-ly wash up, eat breakfast and just crave for the moment when i can be on the train. the moment i sit down on the train seat, i lean my head back/drop my head forward and fall asleep.
as a result, my neck is aching like crazy. i feel like 2 metals rods have been implanted beside my cervical verterbrae. i need mobs...i need manipulation. been having this tight feeling in my head for the past few days. and my left knee is acting up again. ouchie! this clinic is killing me, one brain cell at a time..one joint at a time...one body part at a time.
one more day...多一天...when i arrive back from clinics tomorrow, i can just sit back and relax. and i am so going to sleep in on Good Friday. in fact, this Good Friday is going to be literally very GOOD for me.
never knew how important that 7 hours of sleep is, until i start getting only 5-6 hours. worse still, my nights had been fraught with tears and sadness...making deep sleep a thing of the past. haven't had a really restful sleep in ages. i go to bed, exhausted...then i can't get to sleep. toss and turn for ages before i drift off into a half-sleep-half-awake state. after what seems like only 5 seconds, i hear my alarm go off.
so, can't blame myself for behaving like a cranky old woman...though there is one good thing abt my lack of sleep. i've lost quite abit of "flesh". my arms feel smaller, my clothes are getting looser with each passing week. at this rate, i'd have to shop for an entirely new wardrobe soon.
though i am happy tomorrow's my last day at Northern, a niggling thought hovers right at the back of my head. tomorrow, i am going to get my final feedback. haven't been performing well for this clinic. not looking forward to getting my grades. would tomorrow be ruined by my incapability to be a musc physio? *heart palpitations*
loss of self...
last night, i was faced with the ugliest side of myself.
i turned into a heartless, ruthless and evil b****. i trampled upon someone's heart, smashed it into trillions of pieces...and then, something inside me just died.
the love for myself, the respect i have for myself...just extinguished. like a flame in the wind. gone...no more.
so, i am left with an empty shell. i can't love myself anymore. i look at myself in the mirror, and i want to smash the mirror apart so i dun have to face myself anymore. i've been through times when i had no self-esteem, no self-value...no self-identity. but at the very least, i could love myself for being alive...i respected myself for wat little things i can achieve.
now, i think i am redundant, just another human being on this planet taking up space, wasting resources...incapable of bringing joy to others...good for nothing but causing chaos and destruction. i've brought nothing but tears, sadness and unhappiness.
i hate myself. and i remember someone saying,"to love others, u've gotta love urself first". does this mean i am doomed to not be able to love anyone else anymore? does this mean i'll end up hating the world?
i long for a shoulder to lean on and let me cry. perhaps, when i've cried enough, i can finally feel that bit of pain inside that indicates i still have the ability to love, and be loved.
i turned into a heartless, ruthless and evil b****. i trampled upon someone's heart, smashed it into trillions of pieces...and then, something inside me just died.
the love for myself, the respect i have for myself...just extinguished. like a flame in the wind. gone...no more.
so, i am left with an empty shell. i can't love myself anymore. i look at myself in the mirror, and i want to smash the mirror apart so i dun have to face myself anymore. i've been through times when i had no self-esteem, no self-value...no self-identity. but at the very least, i could love myself for being alive...i respected myself for wat little things i can achieve.
now, i think i am redundant, just another human being on this planet taking up space, wasting resources...incapable of bringing joy to others...good for nothing but causing chaos and destruction. i've brought nothing but tears, sadness and unhappiness.
i hate myself. and i remember someone saying,"to love others, u've gotta love urself first". does this mean i am doomed to not be able to love anyone else anymore? does this mean i'll end up hating the world?
i long for a shoulder to lean on and let me cry. perhaps, when i've cried enough, i can finally feel that bit of pain inside that indicates i still have the ability to love, and be loved.
system shutting down
i think i just hit the point whereby my body is going to stop functioning very soon. i dun get enough sleep, i dun drink enough water...sometimes i dun get enough food.
i am dying. i can almost feel each of my brain cells being beaten to death one by one. endless smashing by the information overload over the weekend. stress fracture, bone scan, strain cycles, osteoporosis........
AHHHHHH!!!
now i long for a nice and long hot bubble bath, followed by a full body massage. oh man, i need a spa retreat. any kind souls out there willing to sponsor me?
i dunno why i am in so much pain,inside and outside. well, on the outside, at least i know it's biological and also due to badminton on friday. the pain on the inside...though i know why it's there, i dunno why it is still so bad. although it did get better over the weekend, i wonder how long it would take before i can look at the setting sun and dun feel like crying. how long would it take to mend a broken heart? how long does it take for the scar to heal completely?
too long...way too long
suddenly longing for my queen size bed in singapore. for my comfy bolster. 9 more months before i can bask myself in the blazing sun. sighz. time seems to be dragging...it seems to be slow..
then how come when i do my case prez, there's just not enough time for me?!!?
easter break easter break...come quickly!!!
i am dying. i can almost feel each of my brain cells being beaten to death one by one. endless smashing by the information overload over the weekend. stress fracture, bone scan, strain cycles, osteoporosis........
AHHHHHH!!!
now i long for a nice and long hot bubble bath, followed by a full body massage. oh man, i need a spa retreat. any kind souls out there willing to sponsor me?
i dunno why i am in so much pain,inside and outside. well, on the outside, at least i know it's biological and also due to badminton on friday. the pain on the inside...though i know why it's there, i dunno why it is still so bad. although it did get better over the weekend, i wonder how long it would take before i can look at the setting sun and dun feel like crying. how long would it take to mend a broken heart? how long does it take for the scar to heal completely?
too long...way too long
suddenly longing for my queen size bed in singapore. for my comfy bolster. 9 more months before i can bask myself in the blazing sun. sighz. time seems to be dragging...it seems to be slow..
then how come when i do my case prez, there's just not enough time for me?!!?
easter break easter break...come quickly!!!
inner peace...
i loved being able to hear a singer sing 'live' and unplugged. hearing the true, natural voice of the singer is a rare opportunity. and tonight, i heard Guy Sebastian sang. He was fantastic. no wonder he is the 1st Australian Idol. and because he sang songs that were not on his album, i know it was 'live' and unplugged. the true beauty of his voice, resonating across telstra dome and reaching deep into my heart. i was moved. i was touched. i wish i can listen to him once again.
this hectic week is drawing to an end. i still have tonnes of work to do...still stressed beyond my own description. i long for easter break to start. i long for one week of being able to wake up after the sun has rose. to be not on my feet all day, to be not always on the alert to answer questions. ooh...i can almost taste it...but it's so near, yet so very far.
at least, my day had been good. met edwin,jf and wp online this morning. told them the news, and had a really long chat with them online. it was so familiar, and it's only until today i realise just how much i miss having them around me. their presence give me the kind of support i've lost the day they flew to europe.
seeking comfort in these 3 guys, i felt more peace and calm since last sunday when i turned my whole world upside down, inside out. yeah, serves myself right. never knew that talking to old friends can make such a difference. the familiar way of chatting, the usual jokes..and the shared memories. if there's ever one thing i'd miss about college square, it'd be my time there with these 3 guys. guys, thank you so much for ur encouragement! :D
my life has come to a grinding halt, and has been slow to change direction. now,i can feel it slowly gain momentum. for the first time in weeks, i can feel a faint smile on my face. it may not be a full-blown happy smile, but at least, i know that my facial muscles are still capable to coordinating a smile out of my glum and sad face.
life goes on. time don't stop. and with that,i better get back to my case prez due on Monday. *groan*
this hectic week is drawing to an end. i still have tonnes of work to do...still stressed beyond my own description. i long for easter break to start. i long for one week of being able to wake up after the sun has rose. to be not on my feet all day, to be not always on the alert to answer questions. ooh...i can almost taste it...but it's so near, yet so very far.
at least, my day had been good. met edwin,jf and wp online this morning. told them the news, and had a really long chat with them online. it was so familiar, and it's only until today i realise just how much i miss having them around me. their presence give me the kind of support i've lost the day they flew to europe.
seeking comfort in these 3 guys, i felt more peace and calm since last sunday when i turned my whole world upside down, inside out. yeah, serves myself right. never knew that talking to old friends can make such a difference. the familiar way of chatting, the usual jokes..and the shared memories. if there's ever one thing i'd miss about college square, it'd be my time there with these 3 guys. guys, thank you so much for ur encouragement! :D
my life has come to a grinding halt, and has been slow to change direction. now,i can feel it slowly gain momentum. for the first time in weeks, i can feel a faint smile on my face. it may not be a full-blown happy smile, but at least, i know that my facial muscles are still capable to coordinating a smile out of my glum and sad face.
life goes on. time don't stop. and with that,i better get back to my case prez due on Monday. *groan*
错 (mistake)
很想请你放开手, 让你自由让你走.
(i wish you can let go, and seek the freedom you deserve)
很想不再想念你, 让我少一点担忧.
(i wish i can stop missing you, and lessen the misery i feel)
很想回头, 却怕再回首, 又是另一次伤痛.
(i wish to turn back, but the past still haunts me...and i fear to live it again)
不想这样放不开, 不愿一直在沉默.
(don't wanna hold on, don't wanna be cold)
但每回我开口, 总又是阵阵心痛.
(but everytime i try to speak, there's too much to say, and there's too much pain)
心里的挣扎, 谁会懂? 梦里的眼泪, 何时修?
(who can understand my turmoil? and when would my dreams be free of my tears...?)
因为曾经太爱你, 造成了今天的悲哀.
(loved you too much, and hurt you too much)
从前的包容, 过去的纵容, 是我的错.
(gave in too much, and spoilt you too much)
所以伤痛让我背, 欢乐让你拥有.
(let me bear my own cross, and let you be happy, be free)
当有一天, 我看见你开心的笑容, 那就是我最大的安慰.
(i seek consolation on the day when i see you smile, happily smiling once again)
i apologise for my extrememly lousy translation. my english is not very good. so, well..if you can, read the chinese bit. cos my true sentiments are in the chinese bits..the english translation is not exactly conveying my thoughts very well....
(i wish you can let go, and seek the freedom you deserve)
很想不再想念你, 让我少一点担忧.
(i wish i can stop missing you, and lessen the misery i feel)
很想回头, 却怕再回首, 又是另一次伤痛.
(i wish to turn back, but the past still haunts me...and i fear to live it again)
不想这样放不开, 不愿一直在沉默.
(don't wanna hold on, don't wanna be cold)
但每回我开口, 总又是阵阵心痛.
(but everytime i try to speak, there's too much to say, and there's too much pain)
心里的挣扎, 谁会懂? 梦里的眼泪, 何时修?
(who can understand my turmoil? and when would my dreams be free of my tears...?)
因为曾经太爱你, 造成了今天的悲哀.
(loved you too much, and hurt you too much)
从前的包容, 过去的纵容, 是我的错.
(gave in too much, and spoilt you too much)
所以伤痛让我背, 欢乐让你拥有.
(let me bear my own cross, and let you be happy, be free)
当有一天, 我看见你开心的笑容, 那就是我最大的安慰.
(i seek consolation on the day when i see you smile, happily smiling once again)
i apologise for my extrememly lousy translation. my english is not very good. so, well..if you can, read the chinese bit. cos my true sentiments are in the chinese bits..the english translation is not exactly conveying my thoughts very well....
take my breath away...
watched Hitch with germ today. Germ is the nicest girl i know. She actually came with me to watch it a second time cos i din manage to go with her the first time round. although she kept saying she wanted to watch it a second time anyway, i am still really, very touched. THANK YOU GERMAINE!!!!
one of the lines in the movie: "life is not abt the amount of breaths u take. it's about the moments that take your breath away..."
oh boy! wat a beautiful line...wat a line to make me feel like the sky has tumbled down in my own little world. "moments that take your breath away" would i ever have those kinds of moments anymore?
maybe my life would be like this till i take that last breath. nerdy Gretel, sitting in front of her laptop, typing her thots and feelings on her very depressing blog for her happy friends to read.
i think the movie was great. a feel-good movie, full of philosophies which i can't really remember but i know they make sense. though,i must admit i am a teensy bit depressed. because i know that guys like Hitch only exists on the big screens. they only come alive in movies and dramas. i'll never find a guy like that, or even if i do, they'll be married..or gay..or won't even turn their eye my way.
i am pathetic. i am worthless...i am ugly nerdy plain gretel. yikes.
one of the lines in the movie: "life is not abt the amount of breaths u take. it's about the moments that take your breath away..."
oh boy! wat a beautiful line...wat a line to make me feel like the sky has tumbled down in my own little world. "moments that take your breath away" would i ever have those kinds of moments anymore?
maybe my life would be like this till i take that last breath. nerdy Gretel, sitting in front of her laptop, typing her thots and feelings on her very depressing blog for her happy friends to read.
i think the movie was great. a feel-good movie, full of philosophies which i can't really remember but i know they make sense. though,i must admit i am a teensy bit depressed. because i know that guys like Hitch only exists on the big screens. they only come alive in movies and dramas. i'll never find a guy like that, or even if i do, they'll be married..or gay..or won't even turn their eye my way.
i am pathetic. i am worthless...i am ugly nerdy plain gretel. yikes.
agony
the day winds down to a slow and torturous pace, leaving me in pain, physically...mentally...emotionally
i've got a sore back...a stiff neck...impingement in my left shoulder and my left knee is acting up again. still looking forward to badminton tomorrow...until i realise we are one player short. 三缺一!! and i thot this only happens in mahjong. badminton seems like a sore idea now. but, i've always loved to play badminton, been wanting to play it since last year...so i am going to displace all thoughts of my physical pain and try to have a good time tomorrow.
mentally, i am definitely sleep-deprived. i only managed to catch an average of 6 hours of poor quality sleep each day. i fall asleep on the train everyday (which is how i get my stiff neck), and my eyes are achy. all the neurones in my brain are gradually being replaced by cotton wool or something. my mind is kinda blank...and yet surprisingly loaded with information that i do not know how to process.
and, i am an emotional wreck. every night, when 9pm creeps its way into my room, i feel a sense of gloom descending onto me. that sick-in-the-stomach, tear-in-the-eyes, lump-in-throat feeling. so far, i've mangaged to keep my stomach contents down, stop most of the tears from flowing and prevent myself from choking to death on that lump. but, how long can i do that for?
life sucks. it sucks big time. and all i wanna do now is to hide under my quilt, cry as hard as i can and hope that everything is gonna be fine when i finally emerge from my little world.
but, i know that things are not gonna be fine. life would go on, as sucky as ever. my energy levels are low, my endorphins levels are low...and where has that happiness from last week gone to?
blown away by the cold, dry winds sweeping through Melbourne.
it's so tiring to put up a strong front, that i just want to crumble and die. just let the helplessness and sadness drown me. just that me take my last breath and bid goodbye to this very cruel world.
unfortunately, i am not blessed with that kind of courage. and also not endowned wtih the gift of facing up to the people around me.
i've got a sore back...a stiff neck...impingement in my left shoulder and my left knee is acting up again. still looking forward to badminton tomorrow...until i realise we are one player short. 三缺一!! and i thot this only happens in mahjong. badminton seems like a sore idea now. but, i've always loved to play badminton, been wanting to play it since last year...so i am going to displace all thoughts of my physical pain and try to have a good time tomorrow.
mentally, i am definitely sleep-deprived. i only managed to catch an average of 6 hours of poor quality sleep each day. i fall asleep on the train everyday (which is how i get my stiff neck), and my eyes are achy. all the neurones in my brain are gradually being replaced by cotton wool or something. my mind is kinda blank...and yet surprisingly loaded with information that i do not know how to process.
and, i am an emotional wreck. every night, when 9pm creeps its way into my room, i feel a sense of gloom descending onto me. that sick-in-the-stomach, tear-in-the-eyes, lump-in-throat feeling. so far, i've mangaged to keep my stomach contents down, stop most of the tears from flowing and prevent myself from choking to death on that lump. but, how long can i do that for?
life sucks. it sucks big time. and all i wanna do now is to hide under my quilt, cry as hard as i can and hope that everything is gonna be fine when i finally emerge from my little world.
but, i know that things are not gonna be fine. life would go on, as sucky as ever. my energy levels are low, my endorphins levels are low...and where has that happiness from last week gone to?
blown away by the cold, dry winds sweeping through Melbourne.
it's so tiring to put up a strong front, that i just want to crumble and die. just let the helplessness and sadness drown me. just that me take my last breath and bid goodbye to this very cruel world.
unfortunately, i am not blessed with that kind of courage. and also not endowned wtih the gift of facing up to the people around me.
the power of time
just 4 days ago, i was sitting with germ and XD, having yummy gelati along Lygon. and yet here i am, 4 days later, 100% less happy, 100% more stressed and 1000% tired
such is the power of time. to just slip by unnoticed, until one day, you look back and wondered where did all those time go to. such is the power of time. to wrap itself around your eyes and then just float away, leaving behind the trail of destruction you have created.
i dun like to look back. i dun like to look ahead. i live in fear of tomorrow, and in regret of yesterday. but, i always unconsciously store far too many memories. and they are like undeletable files in my brain. always there, always present to haunt me with days gone by. with incidents i long to forget or hope to relive, with people i wish i can meet again. and then, there is tomorrow. even though i keep telling myself never to look forward to it, i still do it all the time. and yet, when tomorrow rolls around the corner, i am still faced with the same troubles.
i want to jump off this merry go round that never stops. if i die when i land, then so be it. at least then, i won't have to remember yesterday, get through with today and dread tomorrow. but, as if a chain has been tied around me, i am stuck...until one day, the chain gets worn out and i get thrown off from the cycle.
such is the power of time. to just slip by unnoticed, until one day, you look back and wondered where did all those time go to. such is the power of time. to wrap itself around your eyes and then just float away, leaving behind the trail of destruction you have created.
i dun like to look back. i dun like to look ahead. i live in fear of tomorrow, and in regret of yesterday. but, i always unconsciously store far too many memories. and they are like undeletable files in my brain. always there, always present to haunt me with days gone by. with incidents i long to forget or hope to relive, with people i wish i can meet again. and then, there is tomorrow. even though i keep telling myself never to look forward to it, i still do it all the time. and yet, when tomorrow rolls around the corner, i am still faced with the same troubles.
i want to jump off this merry go round that never stops. if i die when i land, then so be it. at least then, i won't have to remember yesterday, get through with today and dread tomorrow. but, as if a chain has been tied around me, i am stuck...until one day, the chain gets worn out and i get thrown off from the cycle.
夕阳与黄昏
我们曾今握着手, 看着夕阳与黄昏.
(we once held hands and watched the rays of the setting sun)
背对着背, 有那种安全的感觉.
(as i felt the strength of your presence)
我喜欢哼着歌,让心情融入歌词里.
(i'd let the songs i sing express how i feel)
而你就爱听我唱, 听出我的心声.
(and you'd be there listening, hearing the unspoken words)
夕阳与黄昏, 依然天天都有.
(sunsets remain, day after day)
每当看见夕阳的我, 就会想起你的脸.
(everytime i feel its rays, i'll remember your face)
每一天的黄昏, 也会是我最难过的时候.
(and every evening would be a walk down memory lane)
而我唱的每一首歌, 句句都有痛, 字字都有泪.
(when sorrow and tears fill each line and word of the songs i sing
也许有一天, 我会学着不难过.
(evetually, i would let the pain go)
让夕阳与黄昏, 成为我们美丽的回忆.
(and see every sunset as a precious memory)
(we once held hands and watched the rays of the setting sun)
背对着背, 有那种安全的感觉.
(as i felt the strength of your presence)
我喜欢哼着歌,让心情融入歌词里.
(i'd let the songs i sing express how i feel)
而你就爱听我唱, 听出我的心声.
(and you'd be there listening, hearing the unspoken words)
夕阳与黄昏, 依然天天都有.
(sunsets remain, day after day)
每当看见夕阳的我, 就会想起你的脸.
(everytime i feel its rays, i'll remember your face)
每一天的黄昏, 也会是我最难过的时候.
(and every evening would be a walk down memory lane)
而我唱的每一首歌, 句句都有痛, 字字都有泪.
(when sorrow and tears fill each line and word of the songs i sing
也许有一天, 我会学着不难过.
(evetually, i would let the pain go)
让夕阳与黄昏, 成为我们美丽的回忆.
(and see every sunset as a precious memory)
心与情
心很乱, 人很烦. 听到了这首歌,仿佛在述说着内心的话. 我是个有心人，还是个有情人?
有心人,有情人 蔡淳佳演唱
每个城市每条街 情人相聚离别 那个你掏心的人
算不算有缘 爱过就无怨无悔 悲伤却也珍贵
想恋一场对不对 难分辨 看身边的朋友们
为情狂喜狂悲 爱曾暖得像温泉
也蒸发冷却 当了解变成无解
最后只留心结 情人心里有火焰 有错觉
你说你 爱得真 陷得深 最后只有孤单是永恒
每当夜一深 泪一吞
往事历历割的心好疼 你问我 爱几次 伤几分
才有看准幸福的可能 只怪世间太少有心人 却有太多有情人
要有心，也要有情.有心没有情,只会让自己受伤.但有情却没心,那是对另一方最大的伤害.
但愿我身边的朋友,都找到了有心有情人.
有心人,有情人 蔡淳佳演唱
每个城市每条街 情人相聚离别 那个你掏心的人
算不算有缘 爱过就无怨无悔 悲伤却也珍贵
想恋一场对不对 难分辨 看身边的朋友们
为情狂喜狂悲 爱曾暖得像温泉
也蒸发冷却 当了解变成无解
最后只留心结 情人心里有火焰 有错觉
你说你 爱得真 陷得深 最后只有孤单是永恒
每当夜一深 泪一吞
往事历历割的心好疼 你问我 爱几次 伤几分
才有看准幸福的可能 只怪世间太少有心人 却有太多有情人
要有心，也要有情.有心没有情,只会让自己受伤.但有情却没心,那是对另一方最大的伤害.
但愿我身边的朋友,都找到了有心有情人.
beautiful friday
after a week of cold days and wet nights, the weather in melbourne has finally turned back to warm and sunny for the long weekend ahead. i love the feel of sun shining down on my bare arms, and i appreciate it even more because this is a long-awaited long weekend. no clinics on monday because it's labour day. and the icing on the cake - Moomba fireworks tomorrow with dearez germ and gang.
although the day did start off pretty bad with a sms that confused and upset me, and i did slipped into a bad mood for the first half of the day. hot tears pricking behind my eyelids, but i refuse to let them fall. i refuse to let a sms ruin a pretty day ahead.
the afternoon was great. planned to go shopping with germ, then she received a call from XD who had just passed his L's and wanted to celebrate with gelati.we met him along lygon street - been so long since i've walked on lygon since i moved out of CS. sat outside and enjoyed the gelati he bought for germ and me. then walk to city, bought matching shawls with germ and a 3/4 long sleeve shirt i've been looking for since 2nd year...back to uni sports center for an hour of Bodystep.
i love bodystep. the jumping and stepping makes all my troubles disappear. with each jump and leap, i feel that little bit less burdened. as more endorphins are released, i feel happier, more free and a whole lot more relaxed.
now, after a yummy dinner of pasta bolognese with cheese...the day's events are starting to quieten down. just read an email which have me starting to think about many many issues again. my brain cells are kicking into action once again.
right now, i am a troubled girl, seeking her way towards happiness. maybe one day, i can really grasp that concept, and take charge of my own happiness. but i had a beautiful friday, a wonderful time with my dearez housemate and more important of all, the tears from the morning never did make it past my eyelids.
although the day did start off pretty bad with a sms that confused and upset me, and i did slipped into a bad mood for the first half of the day. hot tears pricking behind my eyelids, but i refuse to let them fall. i refuse to let a sms ruin a pretty day ahead.
the afternoon was great. planned to go shopping with germ, then she received a call from XD who had just passed his L's and wanted to celebrate with gelati.we met him along lygon street - been so long since i've walked on lygon since i moved out of CS. sat outside and enjoyed the gelati he bought for germ and me. then walk to city, bought matching shawls with germ and a 3/4 long sleeve shirt i've been looking for since 2nd year...back to uni sports center for an hour of Bodystep.
i love bodystep. the jumping and stepping makes all my troubles disappear. with each jump and leap, i feel that little bit less burdened. as more endorphins are released, i feel happier, more free and a whole lot more relaxed.
now, after a yummy dinner of pasta bolognese with cheese...the day's events are starting to quieten down. just read an email which have me starting to think about many many issues again. my brain cells are kicking into action once again.
right now, i am a troubled girl, seeking her way towards happiness. maybe one day, i can really grasp that concept, and take charge of my own happiness. but i had a beautiful friday, a wonderful time with my dearez housemate and more important of all, the tears from the morning never did make it past my eyelids.
to cry or not to cry...
i dun like feeling angry. it makes my head hurt..and it makes my stomach oversecrete gastric juices. then i end up with a throbbing headache and gastric pain. which makes me miserable...and makes me wanna tear my hair off my head.
and when it's someone dear that makes me that angry, multiply the above effect by 100, and add in sleeplessness, tears and a whole load of negative emotions. yesh,u've got urself CRANKY Gretel.
i am in such a foul mood this morning...that by the time my clinic ended for the day, i feel like i've just been punched in the stomach, kicked in the groin and slapped in the face. my eyes are hurting, my stomach is queasy, my hair is out of control.
i wish for happiness once again. my mood has been low since the start of this week. keep going on like that, i'll never get to go to my own graduation alive. arghz.
i hate being indecisive. not knowing what to do...not knowing how to do it. i hate being who i am right now. to sum it all up,i hate myself.
hate myself for being such a bitch. hate myself for being so sensitive. hate myself for everything and anything bad that i can think of.
weekend coming up. supposedly fun time at Moomba is now suddenly intercepted by a potluck dinner first. dunno if i can deal with night of socialising...of juniors coming to me and asking me abt clinics, cardio or watever.
part of me can't wait for the fireworks by Yarra River. part of me just want to hole up in my bed and never wake up again.
and when it's someone dear that makes me that angry, multiply the above effect by 100, and add in sleeplessness, tears and a whole load of negative emotions. yesh,u've got urself CRANKY Gretel.
i am in such a foul mood this morning...that by the time my clinic ended for the day, i feel like i've just been punched in the stomach, kicked in the groin and slapped in the face. my eyes are hurting, my stomach is queasy, my hair is out of control.
i wish for happiness once again. my mood has been low since the start of this week. keep going on like that, i'll never get to go to my own graduation alive. arghz.
i hate being indecisive. not knowing what to do...not knowing how to do it. i hate being who i am right now. to sum it all up,i hate myself.
hate myself for being such a bitch. hate myself for being so sensitive. hate myself for everything and anything bad that i can think of.
weekend coming up. supposedly fun time at Moomba is now suddenly intercepted by a potluck dinner first. dunno if i can deal with night of socialising...of juniors coming to me and asking me abt clinics, cardio or watever.
part of me can't wait for the fireworks by Yarra River. part of me just want to hole up in my bed and never wake up again.
riddles riddles everywhere...
i've always thought only girls talk in riddles. those little terms that only gals know, those hidden meanings which the male species have trouble deciphering.
i am mistaken
today i've talked to 2 guys on MSN, and both guys are talking in this strange language made up of english words, but it doesn't seem to be the english language.
either that or my english is that bad.
and now, my head is throbbing with the effort of trying to crack their code. i've never been good at solving puzzles. jigsaw puzzle, i'm fine. i like putting things together and getting the whole picture.
which is why i am so fustrated at being unable see the whole picture right now.
ARGHZ ARGHZ ARGHZ
i am mistaken
today i've talked to 2 guys on MSN, and both guys are talking in this strange language made up of english words, but it doesn't seem to be the english language.
either that or my english is that bad.
and now, my head is throbbing with the effort of trying to crack their code. i've never been good at solving puzzles. jigsaw puzzle, i'm fine. i like putting things together and getting the whole picture.
which is why i am so fustrated at being unable see the whole picture right now.
ARGHZ ARGHZ ARGHZ
torn
never realised how easy it is to stand on the sideline and judge the actions of others. an innoncent party who is not implicated in the situation is always the best. you can stand there and just go "tsk tsk tsk"...
yet what would u do if u are in a totally familiar situation which u've been tsking all the time?
that endless struggle between right and wrong...grasping at intangible concepts.
today, a double rainbow appeared over the city skyline view from my apartment. as i looked at the colours of the rainbow blending into one another, i suddenly wish i am a kid once again. when seeing a rainbow becomes the highlight of the day. when cinderella does get discovered by her prince. when hansel and gretel eventually reunites with their woodcutter father. when life is simple, when the mind is still pure and uncorrupted. when attention is showered upon me until i started to shy away from being in the spotlight.
now,i want that attention again.
i want to be the center of a person's life.
just me...no one else...i want all of that person's heart and soul to be focused on ME.
i feel sick. sick to my very core...disgusted with myself and my greediness for more and more. wat happened to me? is this just part of growing up? or is this...part of me?
yet what would u do if u are in a totally familiar situation which u've been tsking all the time?
that endless struggle between right and wrong...grasping at intangible concepts.
today, a double rainbow appeared over the city skyline view from my apartment. as i looked at the colours of the rainbow blending into one another, i suddenly wish i am a kid once again. when seeing a rainbow becomes the highlight of the day. when cinderella does get discovered by her prince. when hansel and gretel eventually reunites with their woodcutter father. when life is simple, when the mind is still pure and uncorrupted. when attention is showered upon me until i started to shy away from being in the spotlight.
now,i want that attention again.
i want to be the center of a person's life.
just me...no one else...i want all of that person's heart and soul to be focused on ME.
i feel sick. sick to my very core...disgusted with myself and my greediness for more and more. wat happened to me? is this just part of growing up? or is this...part of me?
the art of rejection
i'm not a girl who knows how to say NO very often...and before anyone starts to let their thoughts go astray,i am referring to simple things in life when i am offered a choice.
"do you want to have some tea?".."ermm, ok" (even though tea makes me feel incredibly bloated)
"want to go shopping this weekend?".."yeah sure!"(although i have like a dozen assignments waiting on my desk)
"can i finish up the chips?"..."go ahead!"(actually,i'd prefer to be the one who's pouring the remaining chips into my mouth)
so,i've never gotten the right way to say "no" without feeling guilty, or fearing that the person might be offended. so i take the easy way out: just accept.
and thus,i usually presume people would pretty much accept my offers as well. then again, in the span of 12 hours, i think i've got rejected by someone at least 10 times.
"do you want to eat something?"..."no,i can't sleep when i'm full"
"want anything to drink?"..."no"
"why don't you stay for lunch?"..."no,i've got work to do"
ouch ouch ouch my ego is hurting right now.
maybe it's just me. 好欺负, 心太软. i need to brush up on my art of rejecting people. need to know that when offered a choice, that means i shouldn't feel too guilty about not accepting the offer. i mean, the other person could really not want me to accept the offer anyway. and i also need to learn to accept being rejected. an overtly emotional sociophobic freak like me needs to understand that when u offer others a choice, u have to be prepared to get shot down. it's part of life, isn't it?
perhaps because i am overtly emotional, it feels like a personal attack everytime i get rejected. and being sociophobic, i tend to put too much emphasis on being accepted.
arghz. the finer things in life which i haven't mastered after existing for nearly a quarter of a century. yikes.
"do you want to have some tea?".."ermm, ok" (even though tea makes me feel incredibly bloated)
"want to go shopping this weekend?".."yeah sure!"(although i have like a dozen assignments waiting on my desk)
"can i finish up the chips?"..."go ahead!"(actually,i'd prefer to be the one who's pouring the remaining chips into my mouth)
so,i've never gotten the right way to say "no" without feeling guilty, or fearing that the person might be offended. so i take the easy way out: just accept.
and thus,i usually presume people would pretty much accept my offers as well. then again, in the span of 12 hours, i think i've got rejected by someone at least 10 times.
"do you want to eat something?"..."no,i can't sleep when i'm full"
"want anything to drink?"..."no"
"why don't you stay for lunch?"..."no,i've got work to do"
ouch ouch ouch my ego is hurting right now.
maybe it's just me. 好欺负, 心太软. i need to brush up on my art of rejecting people. need to know that when offered a choice, that means i shouldn't feel too guilty about not accepting the offer. i mean, the other person could really not want me to accept the offer anyway. and i also need to learn to accept being rejected. an overtly emotional sociophobic freak like me needs to understand that when u offer others a choice, u have to be prepared to get shot down. it's part of life, isn't it?
perhaps because i am overtly emotional, it feels like a personal attack everytime i get rejected. and being sociophobic, i tend to put too much emphasis on being accepted.
arghz. the finer things in life which i haven't mastered after existing for nearly a quarter of a century. yikes.
to the past and back...
met an old friend on MSN today, one of my fellow HC relief teachers. been ages since i've talked or seen him. and it's strange how much we have to talk to each other about.
and he helped me configure my comp so i can type 华语 on my MSN, and now am trying it on my blog. hopefully it would work *fingers crossed*
sometimes, we go through life in such a hurry. rushing from home to school, or home to work. dashing from day to night, and just keeping in mind those people whom we see or hear from day to day.
and then one day, this person whom you haven't been in touch with for so long starts talking to you again. for some, it would be a '好久不见' kind of feeling. for others, it can be a 'ahhh!!!how have you been?!?!' reaction. whatever the response is, i think most would feel that tinge of nostalgia.
like right now,i am living in the sweetest memories of my relief teaching days. i miss those times (well, apart from being called Ms Ni...) as much as i miss my HC days.
时光一去永不回,往事只能回味. now i realise how true...
i belong to the 'wish i can turn back time' group of people. always hoping for that ultimate scientific breakthrough where i can revisit my happiest moments. do i ever look forward to the future? yeah,i guess so. i look forward to graduating and returning to singapore. and i do look forward to happier times ahead.
but a pessimist like me can never see the light at the end of the tunnel. even if i do see it, i'll tell myself it's not going to last. so i turn on my overactive brain to retrieve the past. sometimes,i choose the right channel and i see myself laughing, having fun...other times, i flip to the wrong channel and all i see are tears and anger.
想回到过去...只可惜过去已成回忆.
and he helped me configure my comp so i can type 华语 on my MSN, and now am trying it on my blog. hopefully it would work *fingers crossed*
sometimes, we go through life in such a hurry. rushing from home to school, or home to work. dashing from day to night, and just keeping in mind those people whom we see or hear from day to day.
and then one day, this person whom you haven't been in touch with for so long starts talking to you again. for some, it would be a '好久不见' kind of feeling. for others, it can be a 'ahhh!!!how have you been?!?!' reaction. whatever the response is, i think most would feel that tinge of nostalgia.
like right now,i am living in the sweetest memories of my relief teaching days. i miss those times (well, apart from being called Ms Ni...) as much as i miss my HC days.
时光一去永不回,往事只能回味. now i realise how true...
i belong to the 'wish i can turn back time' group of people. always hoping for that ultimate scientific breakthrough where i can revisit my happiest moments. do i ever look forward to the future? yeah,i guess so. i look forward to graduating and returning to singapore. and i do look forward to happier times ahead.
but a pessimist like me can never see the light at the end of the tunnel. even if i do see it, i'll tell myself it's not going to last. so i turn on my overactive brain to retrieve the past. sometimes,i choose the right channel and i see myself laughing, having fun...other times, i flip to the wrong channel and all i see are tears and anger.
想回到过去...只可惜过去已成回忆.
not again...
it hits me like a punch in the face. unexpected and totally out of the blue. one moment,i'm on the top of the world. less than a second, i find myself in the depths of all these familiar feelings i had a year ago.
darkness and misery twirling their long, sickening fingers around my face. the cold seeps into my bones, and the energy being so slowly extracted from me.
i fought harder than i've ever tried. i knew that if i gave in, i'd take many months to get out. and so i fight with every ounce of courage i can summon, every cell in my body screaming for help. every thing in my world turns bleak...i can feel it winning...and i know it would win if i let go of my desperate grasp for happiness. for that fuzzy warm feeling i had just a week ago.
feeling myself sinking deeper and deeper. i felt my mouth open in a silent scream for help...i feel my throat hurting from the exertion, and yet, no one hears me. i'm losing hold of whatever i've had. lost sight of the happenings around me. i feel alone. the kind of loneliness you feel only when you get sucked into this world. i seem to hear someone telling me to walk out of this world. yet all i see are shadows beyond my reach...
am i losing this battle yet again? is this the beginning of the horrors i went through a year ago? i don't want to revisit this nightmare again. i'm scared. i dun like the familiar prick in my eyes as i type this entry. i dun want to break into the uncontrollable sobs i hate. i dun want to feel like there's nothing more for me to keep surviving, to keep trying...i dun like being where i am now.
i want to get out. out of this pain, out of this misery...out of this depression that is trapping me in its clutches.
i want to get out...
darkness and misery twirling their long, sickening fingers around my face. the cold seeps into my bones, and the energy being so slowly extracted from me.
i fought harder than i've ever tried. i knew that if i gave in, i'd take many months to get out. and so i fight with every ounce of courage i can summon, every cell in my body screaming for help. every thing in my world turns bleak...i can feel it winning...and i know it would win if i let go of my desperate grasp for happiness. for that fuzzy warm feeling i had just a week ago.
feeling myself sinking deeper and deeper. i felt my mouth open in a silent scream for help...i feel my throat hurting from the exertion, and yet, no one hears me. i'm losing hold of whatever i've had. lost sight of the happenings around me. i feel alone. the kind of loneliness you feel only when you get sucked into this world. i seem to hear someone telling me to walk out of this world. yet all i see are shadows beyond my reach...
am i losing this battle yet again? is this the beginning of the horrors i went through a year ago? i don't want to revisit this nightmare again. i'm scared. i dun like the familiar prick in my eyes as i type this entry. i dun want to break into the uncontrollable sobs i hate. i dun want to feel like there's nothing more for me to keep surviving, to keep trying...i dun like being where i am now.
i want to get out. out of this pain, out of this misery...out of this depression that is trapping me in its clutches.
i want to get out...
ponder ponder...
was watching The OC just now. and suddenly a very common question popped to my head. so, i asked germaine
Gret: Do you a relationship between a guy and a girl can ever by purely platonic?
Germaine:(thinking hard)i want to say yes, but a part of me says NO.
Gret:from your experience?
Germaine:...no
Gret:me too...
although there is a major diff between our experience. Her good guy friends usually likes her eventually. as for me, my good guy friends are just my good guy friends cos they like one of my other gal friends. pathetic, huh? guess germaine has that kind of charm that makes her irresistable to guy huh? (ok,she is so going to add detergent in the next dish she cooks for me :P sorry germ. just stating my honest opinion here...)
anyway,i've always wondered abt this question. and like germ,i wish i can say that such a relationship can happen between a guy and a gal. but sadly, all facts seem to point in the opp direction. sure,maybe in the initial phase, it's just pure friendship. but as time goes on, the friendship gets "polluted" with other emotions.
i guess it's an innate thing for guys and girls to be attracted to each other. like the process of making friends in the human world is extrapolated from the way animals seek out potential mates in the wild? ok,i am making this sound really low-grade. but i think humans, no matter how clever, are unable to dissociate themselves from the most natural instinct of the animal kingdom - perpetuation of species.
i guess most of the time, we just assume the other party doesn't like us (if we dun like them in the first place...) but, as the old saying goes, friendship is the foundation for love and marriage. everything starts from being friends first. maybe it's just a matter of time? or maybe, such relationship do exists. just that with my limited social interaction,i dunno abt it.
forever friends or maybe lovers? well, i guess only time can tell.
Gret: Do you a relationship between a guy and a girl can ever by purely platonic?
Germaine:(thinking hard)i want to say yes, but a part of me says NO.
Gret:from your experience?
Germaine:...no
Gret:me too...
although there is a major diff between our experience. Her good guy friends usually likes her eventually. as for me, my good guy friends are just my good guy friends cos they like one of my other gal friends. pathetic, huh? guess germaine has that kind of charm that makes her irresistable to guy huh? (ok,she is so going to add detergent in the next dish she cooks for me :P sorry germ. just stating my honest opinion here...)
anyway,i've always wondered abt this question. and like germ,i wish i can say that such a relationship can happen between a guy and a gal. but sadly, all facts seem to point in the opp direction. sure,maybe in the initial phase, it's just pure friendship. but as time goes on, the friendship gets "polluted" with other emotions.
i guess it's an innate thing for guys and girls to be attracted to each other. like the process of making friends in the human world is extrapolated from the way animals seek out potential mates in the wild? ok,i am making this sound really low-grade. but i think humans, no matter how clever, are unable to dissociate themselves from the most natural instinct of the animal kingdom - perpetuation of species.
i guess most of the time, we just assume the other party doesn't like us (if we dun like them in the first place...) but, as the old saying goes, friendship is the foundation for love and marriage. everything starts from being friends first. maybe it's just a matter of time? or maybe, such relationship do exists. just that with my limited social interaction,i dunno abt it.
forever friends or maybe lovers? well, i guess only time can tell.
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