2 years since I last logged into this blog and wrote something.

In fact, it was more than 2 years ago. It was pre-xxm2...8 days before he popped into this world, screaming and wriggling.

Life...has changed so much.

Gained a son...lost my mom...quit my job...moved into new home...

To sum up, I took on more responsibilities.

Daughter, Wife, Mom, Housekeeper, Grocery Shopper, Launderer, Handy-woman, Cook, Driver, Holiday Planner...etc

The last 2 years or so...it's been fixing one problem at a time...

Or perhaps, that really is the way it has been all the time.

Problem solving...trouble shooting...fire fighting...the difference really lies in the urgency of the issue

Problems/issues are good...they keep us on our toes and occupy our minds so that we look ahead.

But they are also bad, because it keeps us so occupied that we forget to stop and appreciate what we have achieved, to review and learn from the past.

Where I am, right now, is good.
I like that I can sit here, in the comfort of my own home, typing this on a brand new computer and listening to music while I contemplate what to cook for lunch.

Where I am, right now, is bad.
I don't like that I am stagnating. The only thing that keeps me moving is that I need to have dinner on the table in time for the boys, that I need to keep the house clean and have the clothes wash so that everyone has something clean to wear. Otherwise...I probably will lie down somewhere and grow roots...and mould.

Where I am, right now, is comfortable...but unsettling.
Deep inside, I know this is something I can really grow use to and be okay with it. Yet it also stirs up unwanted feelings. Most prominent is the feeling of shame and guilt.
Shame because I can do more, yet I choose to do less.
Guilt because I should be doing more, helping to bear the financial burden, giving back to the society, homeschooling the boys etc etc etc....but I am not.

2016 is ending. What lies ahead for me in 2017?
Would I finally find the courage, and motivation, to step out of this comfort zone and find my way back to the workforce?
Or would I finally find a niche in this comfort zone and expand it so that I am doing more within this zone?
Or...would I just continue to stagnate?

Problems...issues...one after another....

I try to believe that by solving each of them, I am progressing and moving forward.
But...maybe, what I am doing is walking around in a circle.
And more than once, I will be back right where I started.

Do I dare walk out of the circular path? Off the tangent?

Do I?
Would I?
Should I?