Attended a course today...
and the trainer mentioned that in recent years,
there were many mid-career shifts into healthcare..

lawyers...teachers...accountants...
they all heard a calling...
apparently Healthcare decided to call on alot of people recently...
and many of them picked up the "phone" and answered 'OK'

i wonder when did i hear my calling?
was it subconsciously when my granduncle suffered a stroke?
(i was so young, i can't remember when that was...)
was it in J1 when i had a few days attachment at NUH Diagnostic Radiology department?
(yet being a radiographer never appealed to me...)

i cannot remember...
just like how i cannot answer the famous question
"Why did you choose to become a physio?"

*awkward silence*

i don't i ever received a call from Healthcare...
i just kinda drifted onto this path...*shrug*

some has asked me
"Why you never become doctor?" (usually followed after i told them i was from Hwa Chong)
i answer "Cos i can't handle the stress that someone's life is in my hand and i only have seconds to decide what drug to give...or not to give"
[in hindsight, i am glad i am not a doctor..because, well..let's just say i don't think too highly of them nowadays...]

some has asked me
"Have you ever thought of doing something else?" (very common recently since my wrist op)
i answer "yeah...but nothing that I want to do more"

and i have asked myself
"What if my PT clinical path has ended on 18 Aug 2009 (day of my wrist op)?"

*awkward silence**heavy sigh*

anyway....
what i did want to say is...
i admire those mid-career shift people..
because they took the plunge, pay-cut etc...
and enter into the world of blood, PU, BO etc...
i think it's very brave of them...

should i decide to move onto something else..
it's kind of a mid-career shift for me too (not so much mid..but almost just the beginning...)
and i admit..i have no such courage to plunge myself into, say...the world of ugly wigs and acidic words (i.e. lawyer =P)
[ps: MJ, if you are frowning and protesting loudly to the stereotype, and yes, I know no more wigs and not all lawyers spit acid when they talk...but TOO BAD!*pffffft*]

i once wonder..
if i hone up on my photography skills,, maybe i can become a travelling journalist...
and i did jokingly said that the day i buy a SLR is the day I am changing career =P

it remains a dream...

of course..
there is the other dream..
the 开民宿-民歌餐厅 dream...but that one, i have to wait for my 'business partners' to be ready

and so...
i continue to wait for a calling from somewhere...

*more awkward silence*

but i do wonder...
all these mid-career-shift-into-healthcare people...have they ever regretted?
like in the midst of cleaning a patient's buttock...or struggling to transfer a patient..
do they think back to those 'high pay, less s***' days....?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
during the course today, there were discussion about how some of these mid-career people can't adapt or fit into the Healthcare setting well...

a question was raised "why did they answer the calling but yet not suitable?"

i turned to my colleague and said:"maybe it was wrong number..."

*kua kua kua*

我自认不是一个好人。

我有很坏、很硬的心肠，对于别人的焦虑、不安、伤心，我可以冷眼相看。
我也很不善良。
明知道有些事做了。有些话说了，会带给别人很大的伤害，我还是会做。

向我撒过娇的人，往往都碰到我那冷漠又不以为然地表情。
还有一句不耐烦地：“你做什么？”

我不是好人。
所以请你们不要用这个词汇来形容我。

我还不至于是坏人，我很尽力不做坏人。
至少，现在我还会感到内疚与惭愧。
但有时候，我会怀疑自己是不是坏人底？
尽管即内疚又惭愧，我还是可以这样无情地对待别人。

我就像是冬天里，已经冷到不行时的一场大风雪/暴风雨。

我不是好人。
我也不是坏人。
我只是一个不想被伤害，却因此带来伤害的人。

the last 3 months...has been an awakening.

from a therapist...
to a patient...
to a caregiver...

from serving the system...
to being served by the system...
to evaluating the system...

from not understanding...
to experiencing it first-hand...
to pointing out the faults...

from being frustrated...
to being the one bringing frustration...
to being frustrated and bringing frustration

in 3 months, i felt like like i've gone through 3 decades worth of awakenings...

i never really understood the grieving process that one goes through...
until i went through it first hand as a patient..
and then as a caregiver...

the helplessness...the anger...the hopelessness...the guilt...
everything rolled into one big lump of G.R.I.E.F.

emotions are strung tight...
every little bit that went wrong becomes a 'why me again?'
every little bit that goes right becomes a sign of hope and recovery...

rearranging my values..
shuffling around, trying to find a solid ground to rebuild my life...
i can't begin to describe how it feels..

'look on the bright side', everyone tells me...
i am supposed to think of the many many many things i'll learn along the way...
yet...
i wonder...
has anyone thought about the many many many things i want to learn, yet missing out?
has anyone thought of the many many many acitivities i want to do, yet can't do?
has anyone thought of the one thing i need, yet cannot have?

yes, i can try to dwell on all these 'missing out', 'can't do' and 'cannot have' and continue to sob my way through life...
but that's not going to help me, issit?
and so....
all i can do is to bite hard on my lips, swallow the tears and endure the pain within...
and try my best to look the other way...at the things i can learn, can do and can have....

more awakenings await...
the grieving continues...inside...
on the outside, whistle and sing 'always look on the bright side of life'