Motherhood is not for everyone.

Or rather, parenthood is not for everyone...Or for every couple.

In a way, I wouldn't want it any other way. Chen An is the light at the end of the tunnel...he is also the darkness of the endless tunnel.

He brings immense joy and terror, he makes me laugh and cry, he hugs and hits...

He is one huge paradox by himself.

And that makes it hard for me to get used to his antics.

Me, the one who needs order, plans and routines, is at complete mercy of this little one.

Each attempt to have some sort of rule, limit or schedule backfires in the face of him.

He defies all forms of discipline.

I dunno who else have this form of "challenge"...

I admit that I feel horribly incompetent as a mother.

He makes me doubt whether I truly wanted to be a mother in the first place...

And each kid I see who is sleeping like an angel in the stroller, who holds their parent's hand while walking in the mall, who listens to the word "no"...I go green with envy...

Then the self doubt begins...
Why? Why can't I manage my son like that? Is it me....Or him?

Parenthood, is not for everyone.

And so, I choose to believe that because I am given this chance to be a parent, that means that I must have some form of ability to transit into a mummy.

With that belief, I trudge ahead...
Tantrums, soiled diapers and vomit on my clothes...
Laughter, kisses and hugs...

What makes it easier is when Chen An looks at me and say "Mama"...
With that, I believe I can...