if i survive...
i'll become a stronger person...
but if i don't...
what will i become?
if i reset my boundaries...
shrink my desires to a lesser realm...
will i habituate to a lower standard...
or will i learn to to reach for what i can?
if i were to vanish...
run away from the reality that hurts too much...
will my existence be etched in the emptiness that follows...
or will my disappearance fade into dusk?
if my weakness is the other side of my strength...
like a coin with just two sides...
will tossing it again show me the side of hope...
or will it once again prove that chance is just not good enough?
i thought only teenagers get identity crisis...
the period of time when you dunno who you are...
dunno what you are supposed to do..
dunno where you are supposed to go...
Ms Ni (a.k.a yours truly) is facing a 2nd identity crisis...
at a 'ripe old age' of 26yrs, 10 months, 2 weeks and 1 day
reason for crisis?
i dunno...
that's the essence of a crisis isn't it?
when you dunno what is wrong, you dunno how to make it right...
simply put, i went through my teeenage identity crisis with relative ease..
there were more important things to get through..
and when all else fail, i shrink into a 'i'm a student' identity, shut everything out and mug mug mug!!!
now, at this 'ripe old age'...it's not that simple..
transition after graduation was easy...
undergrad --> PT
and during those PT days, it was easy to...
i was a CP physio, ortho physio, CP physio (again), neuro physio...
then, rehab physio...and just before everything fell apart, neuro rehab physio
perhaps others dun like to be labelled..
for me, it's alot easier to be labelled, cos it gives me boundaries..
i need boundaries to work...
now...i dun even know who i am anymore..
was sitting in for a meeting yesterday and everyone went round introducing themselves..
all i could say was 'I'm Gretel from Rehab'
and today...same story...
'I'm Gretel from Rehab..and I don't really know what is my role in this project'
People has been asking me exactly what am I doing nowadays...
I just jokingly answer 'admin work with many bosses'
yet deep inside, i feel hollow...
like i no longer have an identity...
i am a trained physio who doesn't see patients, but doing work which i am not trained to do.
at the end of everyday, i ask myself 'what did i achieve today?'
and my mind goes blank....
i no longer can look back at a day and feel proud that Mr T walked for the first time...or Mdm L finally managed to climb stairs so she can go home with day rehab...
my days roll into each other...
everyday i sit in front of the comp..
'brain storming'...thinking...researching...sorting...planning blah blah blah
and as 6pm comes around, as i pack and get ready to go home,
i feel nothing but a great sense of emptiness...
perhaps, the lack of a place to belong to aggravates this feeling..
like when i was watching Captain's ball yesterday..
as i sat with the rehab people but watching PTs play...
i was the only one cheering...and eventually i fell silent...
people ask who am i supporting...who am i going to cheer for..
i dun have an answer...
The PT office no longer has that homey feeling...
i dunno most people there..and those whom i know aren't close to me anymore...
Rehab offers little comfort...
cos everyone is busy and no one really has the time to sit down and debrief...
it's been 2 weeks since i returned to work..
everyday i come home, fatigued and nursing a persistent headache...
today...
as i drag my weary fingers over the keyboard...
as my head throbs away and prevents me from falling asleep...
i finally let the first tears fall...
2 weeks down...50 more to go...
hopefully somewhere along the way,
i can finally rediscover who i really am...
and have an inkling to who i can become..
the period of time when you dunno who you are...
dunno what you are supposed to do..
dunno where you are supposed to go...
Ms Ni (a.k.a yours truly) is facing a 2nd identity crisis...
at a 'ripe old age' of 26yrs, 10 months, 2 weeks and 1 day
reason for crisis?
i dunno...
that's the essence of a crisis isn't it?
when you dunno what is wrong, you dunno how to make it right...
simply put, i went through my teeenage identity crisis with relative ease..
there were more important things to get through..
and when all else fail, i shrink into a 'i'm a student' identity, shut everything out and mug mug mug!!!
now, at this 'ripe old age'...it's not that simple..
transition after graduation was easy...
undergrad --> PT
and during those PT days, it was easy to...
i was a CP physio, ortho physio, CP physio (again), neuro physio...
then, rehab physio...and just before everything fell apart, neuro rehab physio
perhaps others dun like to be labelled..
for me, it's alot easier to be labelled, cos it gives me boundaries..
i need boundaries to work...
now...i dun even know who i am anymore..
was sitting in for a meeting yesterday and everyone went round introducing themselves..
all i could say was 'I'm Gretel from Rehab'
and today...same story...
'I'm Gretel from Rehab..and I don't really know what is my role in this project'
People has been asking me exactly what am I doing nowadays...
I just jokingly answer 'admin work with many bosses'
yet deep inside, i feel hollow...
like i no longer have an identity...
i am a trained physio who doesn't see patients, but doing work which i am not trained to do.
at the end of everyday, i ask myself 'what did i achieve today?'
and my mind goes blank....
i no longer can look back at a day and feel proud that Mr T walked for the first time...or Mdm L finally managed to climb stairs so she can go home with day rehab...
my days roll into each other...
everyday i sit in front of the comp..
'brain storming'...thinking...researching...sorting...planning blah blah blah
and as 6pm comes around, as i pack and get ready to go home,
i feel nothing but a great sense of emptiness...
perhaps, the lack of a place to belong to aggravates this feeling..
like when i was watching Captain's ball yesterday..
as i sat with the rehab people but watching PTs play...
i was the only one cheering...and eventually i fell silent...
people ask who am i supporting...who am i going to cheer for..
i dun have an answer...
The PT office no longer has that homey feeling...
i dunno most people there..and those whom i know aren't close to me anymore...
Rehab offers little comfort...
cos everyone is busy and no one really has the time to sit down and debrief...
it's been 2 weeks since i returned to work..
everyday i come home, fatigued and nursing a persistent headache...
today...
as i drag my weary fingers over the keyboard...
as my head throbs away and prevents me from falling asleep...
i finally let the first tears fall...
2 weeks down...50 more to go...
hopefully somewhere along the way,
i can finally rediscover who i really am...
and have an inkling to who i can become..
被人疼，被人捧在手心里，
那种感觉是什么？
是幸福。是满足。是感动中，也好开心自己拥有一种特别身份。
曾经，我活在幸福、满足、感动的特别身份里。
如今，从手心中摔出来，幸福破灭了，满足消失了，感动已经只剩下两行泪。
而那特别身份，只是我自己的幻想罢了。
原来，被人这样无情地冷落是那么痛。
以前，也有过同样的经历。
所以我才不轻易走进别人的手心中。
我学会了自己疼自己，自己照顾自己。
不依赖别人，不信任别人。
但是，日子久了，疼痛淡了，我也就掉以轻心了。
今天，心里的痛，眼里的泪，都是自作孽呀。
不明白我为何那天还是傻傻地传了简讯，是在奢望什么呢？
明知道那封简讯，根本不会有什么作用，我何苦呢？
原来在心里，我依然是那个傻乎乎的小女生。
依然渴望被人疼、被呵护、被捧在一个永远不会让我摔出来的手心中。
可是，这样的手心，不属于我这种人。
我注定要靠自己，才能保护自己，不再被摔得遍体鳞伤。
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
你给我的伤，很痛。
但有一天，我会习惯这种痛。
真的对你，有很多的失望，也有很多的无奈。
但最多最多的，是不解。
你永远都不会告诉我到底发生了什么，你这样无情地对待我。
我永远都不会知道我到底要做些什么，你会把无情化为友情。
我很不愿意就这样认命，但是，我能做的已经做了。
也许我还可以放下我仅剩的尊严，当面跟你‘摊牌’。
可是，我已经不愿意做‘垂死挣扎’了。
因为我知道当面谈，你也不会说什么。
你总把一切看得很淡，用‘随缘’来交代。
既然，你要把这段友谊斩断，我尊重你。
莫须有的罪名，我认了。
我随缘。
你随意。
朋友，请多珍重。
那种感觉是什么？
是幸福。是满足。是感动中，也好开心自己拥有一种特别身份。
曾经，我活在幸福、满足、感动的特别身份里。
如今，从手心中摔出来，幸福破灭了，满足消失了，感动已经只剩下两行泪。
而那特别身份，只是我自己的幻想罢了。
原来，被人这样无情地冷落是那么痛。
以前，也有过同样的经历。
所以我才不轻易走进别人的手心中。
我学会了自己疼自己，自己照顾自己。
不依赖别人，不信任别人。
但是，日子久了，疼痛淡了，我也就掉以轻心了。
今天，心里的痛，眼里的泪，都是自作孽呀。
不明白我为何那天还是傻傻地传了简讯，是在奢望什么呢？
明知道那封简讯，根本不会有什么作用，我何苦呢？
原来在心里，我依然是那个傻乎乎的小女生。
依然渴望被人疼、被呵护、被捧在一个永远不会让我摔出来的手心中。
可是，这样的手心，不属于我这种人。
我注定要靠自己，才能保护自己，不再被摔得遍体鳞伤。
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
你给我的伤，很痛。
但有一天，我会习惯这种痛。
真的对你，有很多的失望，也有很多的无奈。
但最多最多的，是不解。
你永远都不会告诉我到底发生了什么，你这样无情地对待我。
我永远都不会知道我到底要做些什么，你会把无情化为友情。
我很不愿意就这样认命，但是，我能做的已经做了。
也许我还可以放下我仅剩的尊严，当面跟你‘摊牌’。
可是，我已经不愿意做‘垂死挣扎’了。
因为我知道当面谈，你也不会说什么。
你总把一切看得很淡，用‘随缘’来交代。
既然，你要把这段友谊斩断，我尊重你。
莫须有的罪名，我认了。
我随缘。
你随意。
朋友，请多珍重。
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