cannot believe i am sitting at esther's dining table and typing this entry on her laptop.
it seems just one second ago that i was still in han wei's arms at the airport, telling him to take care of himself..
it seems just one second ago that i was still at home, helping out with the renovation works.
i've cried, as usual, when i stepped into my already-well-packed apartment 3N10. called esther and woked her up. she was so sweet. hearing my sobbing voice, immediately rushed over to helped me move my stuff to her place. was in the company of esther, germaine, germ's mum, kenneth and ali. went to footscray to visit their CNY carnival. had vietnamese noodles for dinner. esther is cutting up mangoes now for snacks. and i haven't shed a tear since esther came around to pick me up.
but now, as the darkness finally engulfs melbourne...i can feel that familiar sense of loneliness seeping into my soul. that pain in the heart...that ache in my head...that stinging sensation in my eyes...that lump in my throat.
and i am very sure that the moment my eyes are shut, and the lights are off...i would very likely break into uncontrollable sobs...i'll start craving for the tight embrace from my dearest guy...
i want to go home....i really really do...
lao gong, i miss you so much...pls come here soon..please...
i dunno
i dunno why i am unhappy,
i dunno why i'm sad
i dunno why people around me keeps saying i am lucky
and why i should be glad
i dunno what to think and i wish i can not know how to feel
for once in my life i wish i can not bother with so many others' lives
i dunno why things go wrong, and i dunno why some are right
i dunno how people can just break your heart and pretend that you're fine
i dunno what can make the tears stop...and i dunno who made me cry
i dun even know that i'm crying...can't remembered if i've cried
i dunno what to say to others, and try to make them understand
honestly,i dun know if understanding is what i really want
because i dunno what i want..and even if i do, i dunno how to get it
i dunno if knowing is for the best, cos someone once told me ignorance is bliss.
so maybe not knowing is more peaceful, than to know but not know what to do.
i dunno if i am making sense...most likely i'm not. but if you've taken time to read this far, i thank you for knowing that i need someone to know that i dunno things most of the time.
i dunno why i'm sad
i dunno why people around me keeps saying i am lucky
and why i should be glad
i dunno what to think and i wish i can not know how to feel
for once in my life i wish i can not bother with so many others' lives
i dunno why things go wrong, and i dunno why some are right
i dunno how people can just break your heart and pretend that you're fine
i dunno what can make the tears stop...and i dunno who made me cry
i dun even know that i'm crying...can't remembered if i've cried
i dunno what to say to others, and try to make them understand
honestly,i dun know if understanding is what i really want
because i dunno what i want..and even if i do, i dunno how to get it
i dunno if knowing is for the best, cos someone once told me ignorance is bliss.
so maybe not knowing is more peaceful, than to know but not know what to do.
i dunno if i am making sense...most likely i'm not. but if you've taken time to read this far, i thank you for knowing that i need someone to know that i dunno things most of the time.
beyond words
i am feeling downright guilty and happy at the same time.
han wei sprang one of his biggest surprise on me today. he came to my place, and there i was, in my shorts and t shirts..filthy and tired from all the electrical work i've been doing since 9am...he then held out a 15 cm x 10cm box to me. i glanced upon the words on the box
DIGITAL MP3 PLAYER
in the next second, dozens of sensation zapped through my body...millions of thought zoomed through my mind.
Guilt, cos i've been nagging him endless since the moment i touched down about 3 months ago
Touched, cos it's such an expensive gift
Happy, cos i had wanted an MP3 player for ages
Loved, cos it's a gift from him
Shamed, cos i can't afford to get something like this for him
Surprised, cos he got me the one thing i didn't expect him to...and cos i din expect him to catch the hint
i can go on and on...but right now, all i feel is this happiness bubbling inside me as i gently explore the functions on the tiny gadget...and also this pain piercing through my heart. the familiar ache that comes about a week before i leave him yet again...that sense of guilt which overwhelms me everytime he treats me so well when i've treated him otherwise.
i guess when these moments of extreme emotions that makes me speechless zips across my body, that is when i know that i would never ever leave him for anyone else.
han wei sprang one of his biggest surprise on me today. he came to my place, and there i was, in my shorts and t shirts..filthy and tired from all the electrical work i've been doing since 9am...he then held out a 15 cm x 10cm box to me. i glanced upon the words on the box
DIGITAL MP3 PLAYER
in the next second, dozens of sensation zapped through my body...millions of thought zoomed through my mind.
Guilt, cos i've been nagging him endless since the moment i touched down about 3 months ago
Touched, cos it's such an expensive gift
Happy, cos i had wanted an MP3 player for ages
Loved, cos it's a gift from him
Shamed, cos i can't afford to get something like this for him
Surprised, cos he got me the one thing i didn't expect him to...and cos i din expect him to catch the hint
i can go on and on...but right now, all i feel is this happiness bubbling inside me as i gently explore the functions on the tiny gadget...and also this pain piercing through my heart. the familiar ache that comes about a week before i leave him yet again...that sense of guilt which overwhelms me everytime he treats me so well when i've treated him otherwise.
i guess when these moments of extreme emotions that makes me speechless zips across my body, that is when i know that i would never ever leave him for anyone else.
what i've learnt in the past 3 days
1) how to handle a electric drill and drill holes in walls below my mere 1.58m height
2) how to secure trunkings for electric cables
3) how to hammer those red rubbery things into walls so as to secure the trunkings with screws
4) how to use a test pen efficiently with one hand
5) how to disconnect the cables from a plug
6) how to connect the cables to another plug
7) how to splice cables ( i.e. remove the rubber thingie around the cables to expose the copper wires) using a splicer or just a pair of cutters
8) how to twist the copper wires in an anti clockwise directions without causing harm to my finger tips
9) how to connect earth, live and neutral wires to each other without electrocuting myself
10) how to measure and mark the lengths of trunkings
11) how to saw a trunking into different lengths fast and accurately
12) how to mark and saw a trunking to make right angled turns
13) how to hold a stance on a ladder without causing too much fatigue in my quads
14) how to maneuvre the super powerful vaccum cleaner at home with cables all over the floor
15) that keeping myself busy is the only thing that takes my mind off 29 Jan...
2) how to secure trunkings for electric cables
3) how to hammer those red rubbery things into walls so as to secure the trunkings with screws
4) how to use a test pen efficiently with one hand
5) how to disconnect the cables from a plug
6) how to connect the cables to another plug
7) how to splice cables ( i.e. remove the rubber thingie around the cables to expose the copper wires) using a splicer or just a pair of cutters
8) how to twist the copper wires in an anti clockwise directions without causing harm to my finger tips
9) how to connect earth, live and neutral wires to each other without electrocuting myself
10) how to measure and mark the lengths of trunkings
11) how to saw a trunking into different lengths fast and accurately
12) how to mark and saw a trunking to make right angled turns
13) how to hold a stance on a ladder without causing too much fatigue in my quads
14) how to maneuvre the super powerful vaccum cleaner at home with cables all over the floor
15) that keeping myself busy is the only thing that takes my mind off 29 Jan...
the days of mud and ketchup,starch and water bombs
was just reading Alwyn's blog and he took so many pics at this year's ACJC orientation. and they were all very good pics in my very-not-expert eyes. looking at all those wet and dirty but happily laughing guys and gals brought me back to that one week of orientation at Hwa Chong.
i dunno if it's still the case, but HC used to be quite notorious for their downright dirty O1 activity. rolling in mud, crawling through stuff that should remain in the kitchen, getting doused with generous doses of ketchup, starch, flour, eggs etc...
it was the dirtiest week of my life.if i try really hard,i can still smell the ketchup in my hair, feel the starch hardening on my t-shirt, taste the mud around my lips.
yucks
i dunno if it's still the case, but HC used to be quite notorious for their downright dirty O1 activity. rolling in mud, crawling through stuff that should remain in the kitchen, getting doused with generous doses of ketchup, starch, flour, eggs etc...
it was the dirtiest week of my life.if i try really hard,i can still smell the ketchup in my hair, feel the starch hardening on my t-shirt, taste the mud around my lips.
yucks
and i remember that i had my ear pierced just one week before O1, and so i cannot remove my ear studs. so when i rolled in the mud, the mud got in between my stud and my ear lobe..and then it harden. i had to dig the mud out using a bobby pin...i was so scared i would get an infection...luckily dun have.
and i also remember laughing lots and lots. it was the best time of my JC life. for the first time since sec 1,i felt like i belonged to my class. i was one of them. i wasn't "the clever one"...not "the one at the top"...not "the snobbish one"..not "the anti social one". i was just Gretel,one of the 99S76ians. much like the way i feel belonged to the gang at CS, which unfortunately has been torn apart. ever since the final 2 members of the gang left for UK, i feel like i am left hanging in mid air. when would i have that sense of belonging again, i wonder...
ah well, one cannot turn back the hands of time. at least i would always have these moments with me...
i need...
1)to sleep more
2)to stress less
3)to eat less
4)to exercise more
5)to learn to heck care
6)to learn to accept being heck-cared
7)to smile more often
8)to hold back my tears more often
9)to be hugged more
10)to be pampered more
2)to stress less
3)to eat less
4)to exercise more
5)to learn to heck care
6)to learn to accept being heck-cared
7)to smile more often
8)to hold back my tears more often
9)to be hugged more
10)to be pampered more
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