beyond words

i am feeling downright guilty and happy at the same time.

han wei sprang one of his biggest surprise on me today. he came to my place, and there i was, in my shorts and t shirts..filthy and tired from all the electrical work i've been doing since 9am...he then held out a 15 cm x 10cm box to me. i glanced upon the words on the box

DIGITAL MP3 PLAYER

in the next second, dozens of sensation zapped through my body...millions of thought zoomed through my mind.

Guilt, cos i've been nagging him endless since the moment i touched down about 3 months ago
Touched, cos it's such an expensive gift
Happy, cos i had wanted an MP3 player for ages
Loved, cos it's a gift from him
Shamed, cos i can't afford to get something like this for him
Surprised, cos he got me the one thing i didn't expect him to...and cos i din expect him to catch the hint

i can go on and on...but right now, all i feel is this happiness bubbling inside me as i gently explore the functions on the tiny gadget...and also this pain piercing through my heart. the familiar ache that comes about a week before i leave him yet again...that sense of guilt which overwhelms me everytime he treats me so well when i've treated him otherwise.

i guess when these moments of extreme emotions that makes me speechless zips across my body, that is when i know that i would never ever leave him for anyone else.