It's the time of the year when everybody starts making resolution...
the time of the year when everybody looks back and say 'Time flies!"

It is, therefore, the time of the year for me to sum up what has happened over the past 364 days in my life...

1) Wrist pain

Started back in first week of Jan 2009, after a weekend of intensive scrubbing of pots and pans for spring cleaning. Thought it was just a mild sprain/strain so continued to work, even practiced advanced wheelchair skills at work (including fall recovery). Wrist became better for like a couple of days before flaring into a swollen and painful joint.

HY made a splint for me to support it, got ultrasound done (ruled out tendon injury), had intrajoint corticosteroid injection in Feb, wore splint conscientiously for 3 weeks...improved to wearing a wrist guard in March-April..then in April-May, out of nowhere, the pain returned and persisted until I decided to consult a specialist in June. MRI done in July - TFCC tear. Plan for scope in August

~Went on light duty from June onwards...hasn't done any clinical work since then and feel like a robot left in the open - rusty and unwanted...~

2) Wrist arthroscopy

Done on 18 Aug 2009, went under GA for second time.

Doctor found from the scope that not only is there a tear in the TFCC, my scapholunate and lunotriquetral joints are also unstable cos the ligaments are already compromised (he didn't say tear or rupture...). Plan for conservative managment first...

Last review with Doctor on 10 Dec 2009, he is concerned that pain is not subsiding despite the debridement and the good ROM I have. Hypothesized that instability in SL and LT is causing pain with combined movements (flex/extend+ulnar deviation with supinate/pronate). Plan to review in March to monitor progress...if still painful, KIV reconstruction.

~back to work on 28 Sep, and till now, i have no idea what to say when people ask me "so what do you do?" or similar questions~

3) "Multi-system" failure

It's part of aging, i swear. Just when I thought that my wrist was my biggest problem, my GI tract decide to act up in Nov 2009. Diagnosed with gastritis, given medications and was told it's a common problem, should resolve on it's own. 2nd attack just one month down the road. Doctor now concerned, referred to specialist (GE) to see in Feb 2010.

One week after 2nd bout of gastritis, kena the strangest URTI I've had in my life. No respiratory symptoms except for a mild sore throat and blocked nose, but whole body was aching and felt so tired, nearly couldn't get out of bed to see doctor.

Just when i thought i am going to make it to 2010, i got an infected "pimple" in my ear! WTH...

4) Taiwan trip

Now on to something happier...went to Taiwan (Hua Lien and Taipei) with parents and panda in May 2009. Had so much fun cycling and eating and basically just enjoying ourselves despite the heavy rain.

It was also one of the most economical travelling I've done, probably cos there's 4 of us so it's alot easier to travel around.

~must go back to Taroko Gorge and do the whole cycling thing again!~

5) Brother's wedding

My brother bid goodbye to his bachelorhood and got married in June 2009.

6) Weddings galore

This is the year of people bidding goodbyes to their singlehood. I've attended more weddings this year than the sum of all weddings attended in my first 26 years of life.

7) Mum's dialysis fiasco

For those who don't know yet, my mum's undergoing dialysis now. She has a hereditary kidney disease known as Adult Polycystic Kidney Disease (APKD), where numerous cysts (like gigantic blisters) will grow on the kidneys, and also spread to other organs like liver and spleen.

While the doctor has been warning that she'll need dialysis eventually, it came as more of a shock when during one of her TCUs, the doctor told her she'll need to be admitted ASAP to initiate dialysis.

And it was really a fiasco.

Although I knew better than to assume that dialysis can be initiated easily, i still held onto that hope that she'll only be admitted for a week. But...on the very first session, even before the dialysis started, my mum had vasovagal syncope. she was then transferred into HD, monitored closely for 2 days and managed to complete the first session of 2hr-hemodialysis. Transferred back to GW, and just when we thought everything is fine now, she had another vasovagal syncope 5 minutes into her 3rd dialysis session. Now doctors are worried that it's a cardiac problem. So they decided to put her on Holter monitoring...

She then mangaged to go through the subsequent 3 sessions of dialysis without so much of a blink -_-. Holter monitoring done...and finally, discharged after 2 weeks..

and you know what the real fiasco was?

her consultant-in-charge wasn't around during her admission!!!

wth...how am i supposed to trust the HOMOs when everytime i ask for an update, they don't give me one..everytime i ask why is she having such a reaction, they tell me 'it's common. some people are just like that'

luckily, nothing serious happened...and now, my mum seems to be accepting the 2x/week hemodialysis sessions well *phew*

~i dunno how **H scored better than TTSH for customer satisfaction. The nurses who took care of my mum (except 2 of them) were HORRIBLE! Gave them really lousy feedback, but they also never do any service recovery..probably cos they know my mum's a chronic case and will not 'jump ship' to another hospital.....ARGH!~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think the above 7 events are the major happenings of my life in 2009.

Looking back, less than 50% of the major happenings are happy or good things. Sigh...which kinda reflects on how the year has been, and why I am so gloomy this year, especially after the scope was done.

I once blogged about losing my identity...and i think i briefly blogged about grieving.

yet i am nowhere nearer to finding out who i am...nor am i out of the grieving cycle.

There are still times when I stare at my admin work and tears will well up because what i really want to do is to attend to patients. Sometimes, while holing up in the "outpatient" corner, listening to the ongoings of the gym, i feel like an outcast...

No one can really understand how I feel...
and in my darkest moments, i feel that no one has really tried, nor does anyone actually care about how i feel to be seconded to admin tasks...

March 2010, 3 more months and i will know if i need to go under the knife in order to have a chance to go back to clinical work...

until then, loads of admin work awaits my attention...
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ps: on 31 Dec 2008, i made one resolution: not to finish using my MC in 2009.
on 31 Dec 2009, i have 6.5 days of MC left *applause*

pps: Happy New Year!!

我常常取笑身边的一些人是开飞机场的，
因为这些人，很会放飞机。
起飞的次数，跟樟宜机场有得fight。

曾经，我对放飞机的朋友，都很无奈又很怨。
不明白为什么说好的，可以在最后时间说‘can't make it'。
如果有一个说得过去的理由，我就算了。
可恶的是那些无故失信的。

后来，长大了，思想也变换了。
被放飞机，已经成为SOP 了。
每次要计划什么，就得有个副计划。
有时候就干脆连计划都不想了。
反正，就是准备看着飞机飞走。

平安夜那天，和‘宫廷家族’吃饭。
飞机飞来飞去，结果一句‘你知道我的啦’让我有些忍无可忍了。
大熊猫就说‘了解不代表接受’，
我接着说‘接受不代表喜欢’。
好像把气氛搞得有点尴尬，因此要向大家道歉，‘对不起’。

或许，我该说的是‘接受不代表认同’。
我永远无法认同方飞机的行为。
对我来说，既然说好了，为什么不能兑现呢?
不兑现，也就算了。
请不要用莫名其妙的借口敷衍我！

唉~~~~~~~
不喜欢自己这样小心眼。
不喜欢被别人不放在眼里的滋味。
不喜欢一场欢喜一场空。
其实，我只想大家好好聚一聚，玩一玩。
因为可以这样的日子，真的很少很少。

或许因为我是melancholic，
所以这么执着于这小小的事情。
或许我从来没有接受，
也从来没有了解。

我只知道，有太多的遗憾，也有太多的无奈。
不想去在乎了。
如果你们都那么豁达，都可以“随遇而安”、“既来之，则安之”，
我也不要再计较了。

一个看似黑白的景象。

只因为远方的阳光，把这一面的景色罩在阴影里。

另一边，缤纷的颜色，依然期待被发现。

往前走，走到那个有色彩的世界。

往后走，就一直困在阴暗的剪影。

你，选择什么呢？

even though darkness is coming,
u can still appreciate the beauty of the disappearing light...
even though the day is ending,
u can still savour the achievements of the day...

~why am i blogging this in the morning? the day has barely started....~

i never thought of myself as someone who needs a desk to call my own..

probably because of the nature of my job...during those clinical days..
my 'desk' was wherever i have left my clipboard on in the ward...
or the little office in 10AB gym...
or the table in the gym B...
in a way, i took my 'desk' wherever i go...
whatever i need to do my work, it's hanging on me..either around my neck or in my coat pockets
and whatever i don't need to bring along, it's safely kept in a locker..

nowadays...
the importance of having MY very own workstation is overwhelming...
the frustration of having to lug everything i need everywhere i go is really getting to me..
and the need to constantly change my location because someone else 'permanent' has taken over whichever desk i was using..
or because whichever cosy corner i've found needs to be vacated for various reasons...

in fact..
it's not just frustration..
it feels like nobody really wants me anywhere...
like a piece of table cloth being thrown around...only use when needed, otherwise can place it anywhere that is convenient...

although..
i do, in a way, have my little space in the PT office...
the feeling just isn't right anymore.
maybe because everyone just doesn't understand why i mysteriously appear from nowhere and occupy a desk space...
it's not so much i feel unwelcomed..
but that i do not feel at ease..
like i am an outsider who is trespassing....

the satisfaction level for my job is dropping to an alarmingly low rate...
i no longer look forward to going to work..
i no longer enjoy lunch time with colleagues...
i think this is really bringing out the autistic streak in me..
sometimes, i feel like lugging my work laptop and work in the library instead..
hole up in some corner where nobody knows me...
just me, myself and I..in my own personal space...

alot of people have been asking if i look forward to going back to clinical work..
and strangely enough, i actually don't miss it that much anymore.
or maybe, it's the fear of restarting the whole process of adapting to a 'new' job scope...

feeling so so tired...
been accomodating to so many people's requests...
yet..
when will be the day that my request is heard and answered?

~where's my cosy corner?~