it's wednesday...
and i am already dreading the weekend...
yes, i am crazy...
i am dreading the weekend..
because...it's yet another boring weekend...
except for buffet on sat with a friend...
and going to guang ming shan on sun with parents to pay respects to my granny and great grandmother...
yes,i am still bored...
much to everyone's disgust/surprise...
cos i am learning salsa..
i should feel happier..
that's what learning new things do right?
yeah...
i am happy during the class..
and perhaps..after the class...
but point being that...
the weekend remains as a big gaping hole in my life...
at this point in time...
i realised that i pretty much had something planned for the weekend since i started work..
though most of the time i spent the weekends with my parents..
last weekend had been kinda okay...
worked on sat and going to colleague's place which was absolutely beautiful...
so, the weekend flew past...
but now...
as i enter the 2nd half of this week...
i am beginning to dread the weekend...
maybe working on weekends isn't a bad idea...
but..i am also really exhausted...
covering the ICU for my boss who's on leave..
granted i only saw 5 patients there...
but, it was somehow very tiring...
is this how all newbies feel??
a familiar longing...
and an even more familiar sense of desolation...
a few people keep telling me to be happy...
because...
everyone likes happy people...
and cos if i want to attract the opposite gender..
happy girls are more attractive...
i know that's true...
yet somehow...
it feels wrong to be smiling and being happy...
when all i really want to do..
is to dig a hole and bury myself...
and somehow...
i can't forget how i get more sympathy when i was depressed...
life goes on...
my patients continue to reject my treatment...
and my friends continue to reject my suggestions to go out and chill...
working life sucks...
working life of a single girl sucks more...
working life of a single girl with quarelling parents sucks even more...
unfortunately...
i happen to belong to category 3...
sadness....
it's 5 mins to 5pm on a saturday...
i am here, blogging because
1) i've finished seeing the patients i have to/want to see (yes carol, dun think i am slacking hor!)
2) waiting for 5pm to arrive so i can leave my pager here and go home
3) i'm bored
4) i'm too tired to do anything else...
so, i wandered into dreamy's blog..
and took this test which she took too...
The Quick and Painless ENNEAGRAM Test
and i was kinda surprised at how accurate it is...
really....spot-on for some parts (which are italicised)
though..i dun really agree with the title of my personality..
cos..i never thot i was unique...
i just think i am a freak *shrugs shoulders*
"I am unique"
Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.
How to Get Along with Me
Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!
What I Like About Being a Four
my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
my ability to establish warm connections with people
admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
being unique and being seen as unique by others
having aesthetic sensibilities
being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me
What's Hard About Being a Four
experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
feeling guilty when I disappoint people
feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
expecting too much from myself and life
fearing being abandoned
obsessing over resentments
longing for what I don't have
Fours as Children Often
have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original game s
are very sensitive
feel that they don't fit in
believe they are missing something that other people have
attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)
Fours as Parents
help their children become who they really are
support their children's creativity and originality
are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed
******************************************************
woohoo!
the clock in the office says it's 5 minutes past 5pm!
yay!
home!
no more pager!
but...what's this?
a throbbing headache..
and a sore throat...
and a hint of a blocked nose...
argh!
oh well...i just need nature's best medicine...
sleep!
*YAWN*
i am here, blogging because
1) i've finished seeing the patients i have to/want to see (yes carol, dun think i am slacking hor!)
2) waiting for 5pm to arrive so i can leave my pager here and go home
3) i'm bored
4) i'm too tired to do anything else...
so, i wandered into dreamy's blog..
and took this test which she took too...
The Quick and Painless ENNEAGRAM Test
and i was kinda surprised at how accurate it is...
really....spot-on for some parts (which are italicised)
though..i dun really agree with the title of my personality..
cos..i never thot i was unique...
i just think i am a freak *shrugs shoulders*
"I am unique"
Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.
How to Get Along with Me
Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!
What I Like About Being a Four
my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
my ability to establish warm connections with people
admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
being unique and being seen as unique by others
having aesthetic sensibilities
being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me
What's Hard About Being a Four
experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
feeling guilty when I disappoint people
feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
expecting too much from myself and life
fearing being abandoned
obsessing over resentments
longing for what I don't have
Fours as Children Often
have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original game s
are very sensitive
feel that they don't fit in
believe they are missing something that other people have
attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)
Fours as Parents
help their children become who they really are
support their children's creativity and originality
are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed
******************************************************
woohoo!
the clock in the office says it's 5 minutes past 5pm!
yay!
home!
no more pager!
but...what's this?
a throbbing headache..
and a sore throat...
and a hint of a blocked nose...
argh!
oh well...i just need nature's best medicine...
sleep!
*YAWN*
apologies and thanks for dreamy..
who stayed up last night to talk to me...
or rather..listen to me rant away on msn...
it was one of those days...
when all the feelings kept within are being brought out into the open...
hurt
anger
jealousy
helplessness
hopelessness
loneliness
just to name a few...
and she brought up a very important point..
my self-esteem is derived from attention...
when people pay me attention..
i feel like someone cares...and so, i feel appreciated..
thus..i feel happy...
but when there's a lack of attention..
or a sudden decrease in attention from someone who used to care...
my self-esteem decreases exponentially...
so when a weekend goes by where i was alone...
that was fine..
when 2 consecutive weekends were spent in front of the comp waiting for ppl to talk to...
the brave front i tried to put up just crumbled...
into the flowing tears i shed last night...
as dreamy pointed out the fact (once again)...
'to love someone else, u first have to love yourself'
in a way,
i really despise myself for being such a 'sucker' for attention...
i try to give myself all kinds of excuses for this behaviour...
but, it boils down to the fact that...
i really can't see how i can love myself...or even like myself to begin with...
i dunno when it happened...
or how it happened...
somehow along the way as i was growing up...
it became ingrained into my head...
i was 'unlovable'...
complimentary words were hardly used on me..
and i still have an autograph book for my NCC platoon-mates..
where 2 of my platoon mates penned down their dislike for me...
i wasn't sure what i did wrong back then...
looking back, those days were not my happy days...
and somehow...those were apparently the important days of one's life..
teenage years...obtaining self identity...self respect...self confidence...
perhaps back in those days...
i never did obtain any of those...
and so i end up where i am today...
incompetent at handling situations where i find myself alone and needing some form of company...
i'm glad i cried last night..
not full-blown-sob-my-eyes-out cry...
more of the tear-sliding-down-my-cheeks kind...
as i was typing away on my laptop...
at least today..
when i woke up with slightly swollen eyes and a sore throat..
i felt better...
sleepy, slightly sick but more in control of my own emotions...
though i know...
unless i find a way to convince myself that i deserve more credit than i am giving myself...
(by chanting 'i need to give myself some credit'?)
the cycle will repeat...
one day...
i will once again face with my own inability...
and once again lost...
for now...
i just wish to try and keep myself sane...
with the little pleasures i can afford...
showering myself with as much attention as i can give to myself..
gonna start salsa lessons next monday...
yes, salsa...
totally opposite to the kind of dance i used to do...
but...i have to start somewhere i guess...
besides...maybe dancing with a partner can help me to overcome..*ahem* something lah...
and maybe...
when i feel confident enough...
i might do jazz dance...
and once again be able to express myself through body movements...
and feel the joy of being able to move in one with the music...
maybe...one day...perhaps...
one can only hope...yeah?
who stayed up last night to talk to me...
or rather..listen to me rant away on msn...
it was one of those days...
when all the feelings kept within are being brought out into the open...
hurt
anger
jealousy
helplessness
hopelessness
loneliness
just to name a few...
and she brought up a very important point..
my self-esteem is derived from attention...
when people pay me attention..
i feel like someone cares...and so, i feel appreciated..
thus..i feel happy...
but when there's a lack of attention..
or a sudden decrease in attention from someone who used to care...
my self-esteem decreases exponentially...
so when a weekend goes by where i was alone...
that was fine..
when 2 consecutive weekends were spent in front of the comp waiting for ppl to talk to...
the brave front i tried to put up just crumbled...
into the flowing tears i shed last night...
as dreamy pointed out the fact (once again)...
'to love someone else, u first have to love yourself'
in a way,
i really despise myself for being such a 'sucker' for attention...
i try to give myself all kinds of excuses for this behaviour...
but, it boils down to the fact that...
i really can't see how i can love myself...or even like myself to begin with...
i dunno when it happened...
or how it happened...
somehow along the way as i was growing up...
it became ingrained into my head...
i was 'unlovable'...
complimentary words were hardly used on me..
and i still have an autograph book for my NCC platoon-mates..
where 2 of my platoon mates penned down their dislike for me...
i wasn't sure what i did wrong back then...
looking back, those days were not my happy days...
and somehow...those were apparently the important days of one's life..
teenage years...obtaining self identity...self respect...self confidence...
perhaps back in those days...
i never did obtain any of those...
and so i end up where i am today...
incompetent at handling situations where i find myself alone and needing some form of company...
i'm glad i cried last night..
not full-blown-sob-my-eyes-out cry...
more of the tear-sliding-down-my-cheeks kind...
as i was typing away on my laptop...
at least today..
when i woke up with slightly swollen eyes and a sore throat..
i felt better...
sleepy, slightly sick but more in control of my own emotions...
though i know...
unless i find a way to convince myself that i deserve more credit than i am giving myself...
(by chanting 'i need to give myself some credit'?)
the cycle will repeat...
one day...
i will once again face with my own inability...
and once again lost...
for now...
i just wish to try and keep myself sane...
with the little pleasures i can afford...
showering myself with as much attention as i can give to myself..
gonna start salsa lessons next monday...
yes, salsa...
totally opposite to the kind of dance i used to do...
but...i have to start somewhere i guess...
besides...maybe dancing with a partner can help me to overcome..*ahem* something lah...
and maybe...
when i feel confident enough...
i might do jazz dance...
and once again be able to express myself through body movements...
and feel the joy of being able to move in one with the music...
maybe...one day...perhaps...
one can only hope...yeah?
omg...
this is like...the most boring weekend ever!!!!!!!!!
and nothing i do seem to help to reduce my boredom!!!!!!
argh!!!!!!!
darn...feeling like crap despite everything i do...
and deep down inside...
silently seething at my own incapabilities to entertain self...
also...
silently crying at the fact that once again, i can't find someone to go out with...
okie..maybe i din try hard enough...
somehow...
after 2 (and sort of 3) tries...
and still not successful...
i just give up...
because...
as my head runs through a list of people whom i enjoy their company with...
every single name is either 'in melbourne' or 'busy'...
and cos what i really needed is someone i can talk to...
the list is really horribly short...
by the time i re-think the list for the nth time...
i still end up with no one to call and go out with...
parents are still driving me crazy...
always the one caught in the middle..
always the one to become their punching bag...
everything is my fault...
my mood is so cranky now..
i am ready to bite off my own head...
at this very moment...
i am actually glaring at my laptop...
as though if i glare hard enough...
someone will materialise out of my computor screen and keep me company...
i am bored...and cranky...
gonna exercise with carolina tmr...
hopefully..she remembers and dun put aeroplane..
and hopefully, the endorphins can help to elevate my mood a little...
shit happens..life's like that...
so i guess my life is gonna be me threading in a huge pile of poo lah?
crap..
feeling like absolute crap...
i need ice cream...and i really really need a hug...
*sob*
this is like...the most boring weekend ever!!!!!!!!!
and nothing i do seem to help to reduce my boredom!!!!!!
argh!!!!!!!
darn...feeling like crap despite everything i do...
and deep down inside...
silently seething at my own incapabilities to entertain self...
also...
silently crying at the fact that once again, i can't find someone to go out with...
okie..maybe i din try hard enough...
somehow...
after 2 (and sort of 3) tries...
and still not successful...
i just give up...
because...
as my head runs through a list of people whom i enjoy their company with...
every single name is either 'in melbourne' or 'busy'...
and cos what i really needed is someone i can talk to...
the list is really horribly short...
by the time i re-think the list for the nth time...
i still end up with no one to call and go out with...
parents are still driving me crazy...
always the one caught in the middle..
always the one to become their punching bag...
everything is my fault...
my mood is so cranky now..
i am ready to bite off my own head...
at this very moment...
i am actually glaring at my laptop...
as though if i glare hard enough...
someone will materialise out of my computor screen and keep me company...
i am bored...and cranky...
gonna exercise with carolina tmr...
hopefully..she remembers and dun put aeroplane..
and hopefully, the endorphins can help to elevate my mood a little...
shit happens..life's like that...
so i guess my life is gonna be me threading in a huge pile of poo lah?
crap..
feeling like absolute crap...
i need ice cream...and i really really need a hug...
*sob*
2 hours and $76 later...
i finally got my hair cut and proteintreated...
and cos this is actually the first time i got my hair cut at a real hair salon...
i had to ask the hairdresser "is that cup of tea for me?"
now that i think about it...
i think she was probably laughing hysterically in her head while she gave me a gentle smile and answered "yes. go ahead and drink."
of course, she also tried to convince me to get my hair rebonded...
cos according to her, my hair is like wire...
hard, coarse and basically only chemicals can tame it...
no amount of moistursing and protein treatment will be able to salvage it...
sigh...
rebonding cost a bomb...
and i am offcially broke since monday...
so...that will have to wait...
in the meantime, i am enjoying the fact that my head feels so much lighter...
the hairdresser actually showed me the pile of what was my hair on my head..
and it was such a significant pile, she looked at me and said '很多hor? 很吓人leh!'
yah...that's why everyday is a bad hair day for me...
humidity makes it worse...
and the hair dresser was horrified when i told her the last time i cut my hair was one year ago...
yes...i am a miserly girl who doesn't believe in pampering myself...
i prefer it when others pamper me Muahahahaha!
but..seeing that no one is willing to do so currently...
i have no choice but to pamper myself lor...sadness...
i have to admit that letting someone fuss over me is quite nice...
even nicer when there's someone to wash my hair for me...
and have my scalp gently massage...
and just sitting there waiting for the proteins to be infused into my hair via a rotating heater thingie...
very comfy...
not so comfy part was when 2 of them were blow drying my hair..
and i felt like my head was being pulled apart when they pull my hair in different directions...
saddest part??
i came home, feeling so happy that my hair looks so much nicer..
and my mum sees me and says 'still the same leh'
wah liew..
talk about a punch in the face...
so pissed off...argh!!!
well..i think i look different...at least..i feel different...
see for urself...
before hair cut: this is in sweden...
after hair cut:
got diff??
why did i even bother to come home!
should just go out...
only problem...no one to go out with...
kena rejected by 2 friends today whom i actually asked to go out with...
both have stuff to do...
i am bored...and i am feeling suckier than ever...
parents...
sometimes, i wonder whether it's cos i am growing old too fast..
or they are regressing back into childlike behaviour...
i finally got my hair cut and proteintreated...
and cos this is actually the first time i got my hair cut at a real hair salon...
i had to ask the hairdresser "is that cup of tea for me?"
now that i think about it...
i think she was probably laughing hysterically in her head while she gave me a gentle smile and answered "yes. go ahead and drink."
of course, she also tried to convince me to get my hair rebonded...
cos according to her, my hair is like wire...
hard, coarse and basically only chemicals can tame it...
no amount of moistursing and protein treatment will be able to salvage it...
sigh...
rebonding cost a bomb...
and i am offcially broke since monday...
so...that will have to wait...
in the meantime, i am enjoying the fact that my head feels so much lighter...
the hairdresser actually showed me the pile of what was my hair on my head..
and it was such a significant pile, she looked at me and said '很多hor? 很吓人leh!'
yah...that's why everyday is a bad hair day for me...
humidity makes it worse...
and the hair dresser was horrified when i told her the last time i cut my hair was one year ago...
yes...i am a miserly girl who doesn't believe in pampering myself...
i prefer it when others pamper me Muahahahaha!
but..seeing that no one is willing to do so currently...
i have no choice but to pamper myself lor...sadness...
i have to admit that letting someone fuss over me is quite nice...
even nicer when there's someone to wash my hair for me...
and have my scalp gently massage...
and just sitting there waiting for the proteins to be infused into my hair via a rotating heater thingie...
very comfy...
not so comfy part was when 2 of them were blow drying my hair..
and i felt like my head was being pulled apart when they pull my hair in different directions...
saddest part??
i came home, feeling so happy that my hair looks so much nicer..
and my mum sees me and says 'still the same leh'
wah liew..
talk about a punch in the face...
so pissed off...argh!!!
well..i think i look different...at least..i feel different...
see for urself...
before hair cut: this is in sweden...
after hair cut:
got diff??
why did i even bother to come home!
should just go out...
only problem...no one to go out with...
kena rejected by 2 friends today whom i actually asked to go out with...
both have stuff to do...
i am bored...and i am feeling suckier than ever...
parents...
sometimes, i wonder whether it's cos i am growing old too fast..
or they are regressing back into childlike behaviour...
another friday...
another night by the river...
this time...with an old friend...
talking about shared memories...
laughing about the past...
wondering about the future...
a strange connection that seem to exist...
when a silence is as comfortable as talking to each other...
yet another peaceful friday night...
home is now quiet...
with JC singing from my computor...
i sat back...and pondered...
about too many things i shouldn't think about
and about the things i have been thinking too much about...
累不累，睡不睡？
yes..i am tired...
caught only 6 hours sleep before waking for work this morning...
but...my mind is awake and working...way too active...
and it's way too hot to lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling..
that seems to be what i am doing most of the nights...
when sleep evades and i hypnotise myself with the blankness of my ceiling...
so empty...so white...
as i drift off to yet another restless sleep...
the emptiness remains in my heart...
while the whiteness is replaced by the dark realms of strange dreams and flashbacks...
it's been way too long since i had a good night's sleep...
i can't remember the last time my head hits the pillow and i fall asleep...
but..i can remember the last time i fell asleep with a smile on my face...
just one week ago...
but now...
it feels like a faraway dream...
in fact...
everything that happened one week ago feels like a dream...
and everything that happened this week...
feels far too real...
i wanna escape...
***************************************************
暧昧 - 杨丞林
暧昧让人受尽委屈
找不到相爱的证据
何时该前进
何时该放弃
连拥抱都没有勇气
只能陪你到这里
毕竟有些事不可以
超过了友情
还不到爱情
远方就要下雨的风景
到底该不该哭泣
想太多 是我还是你
我很不服气 也开始怀疑
眼前的人是不是同一个真实的你
暧昧让人受尽委屈
找不到相爱的证据
何时该前进
何时该放弃
连拥抱都没有勇气
暧昧让人变得贪心
直到等待失去意义
无奈我和你
写不出结局
放遗憾的美丽停在这里
用一首歌，写出自己的心情。
当初学了‘暧昧’这个词，
却从不了解当中的意义。
知道它的意思，却不明它所带来的波浪，
足于淹没我的世界。
或许是因为自己太会想像，
所以才得一直面对自己的挫败感。
也许是因为我对一切想得太多，
所以才总是认为结局不如心里所想。
美梦成真？
我还敢奢求梦成真吗？
梦中的暧昧，甜蜜，
梦外的暧昧，苦涩。
梦里梦外的暧昧，让我辗转难眠。
一个影子，缠绕了我的思绪。
剪不断，理还乱。
想要快刀斩乱麻，结果却是自己无法自拔。
所以，我现在真的好委屈。
而最可悲的是，暧昧是我的感觉，我的委屈。
你是怎么想的呢？
我没有勇气去问。
只好就这样在委屈里找寻一个答案，
等待的游戏，又开始了。
another night by the river...
this time...with an old friend...
talking about shared memories...
laughing about the past...
wondering about the future...
a strange connection that seem to exist...
when a silence is as comfortable as talking to each other...
yet another peaceful friday night...
home is now quiet...
with JC singing from my computor...
i sat back...and pondered...
about too many things i shouldn't think about
and about the things i have been thinking too much about...
累不累，睡不睡？
yes..i am tired...
caught only 6 hours sleep before waking for work this morning...
but...my mind is awake and working...way too active...
and it's way too hot to lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling..
that seems to be what i am doing most of the nights...
when sleep evades and i hypnotise myself with the blankness of my ceiling...
so empty...so white...
as i drift off to yet another restless sleep...
the emptiness remains in my heart...
while the whiteness is replaced by the dark realms of strange dreams and flashbacks...
it's been way too long since i had a good night's sleep...
i can't remember the last time my head hits the pillow and i fall asleep...
but..i can remember the last time i fell asleep with a smile on my face...
just one week ago...
but now...
it feels like a faraway dream...
in fact...
everything that happened one week ago feels like a dream...
and everything that happened this week...
feels far too real...
i wanna escape...
***************************************************
暧昧 - 杨丞林
暧昧让人受尽委屈
找不到相爱的证据
何时该前进
何时该放弃
连拥抱都没有勇气
只能陪你到这里
毕竟有些事不可以
超过了友情
还不到爱情
远方就要下雨的风景
到底该不该哭泣
想太多 是我还是你
我很不服气 也开始怀疑
眼前的人是不是同一个真实的你
暧昧让人受尽委屈
找不到相爱的证据
何时该前进
何时该放弃
连拥抱都没有勇气
暧昧让人变得贪心
直到等待失去意义
无奈我和你
写不出结局
放遗憾的美丽停在这里
用一首歌，写出自己的心情。
当初学了‘暧昧’这个词，
却从不了解当中的意义。
知道它的意思，却不明它所带来的波浪，
足于淹没我的世界。
或许是因为自己太会想像，
所以才得一直面对自己的挫败感。
也许是因为我对一切想得太多，
所以才总是认为结局不如心里所想。
美梦成真？
我还敢奢求梦成真吗？
梦中的暧昧，甜蜜，
梦外的暧昧，苦涩。
梦里梦外的暧昧，让我辗转难眠。
一个影子，缠绕了我的思绪。
剪不断，理还乱。
想要快刀斩乱麻，结果却是自己无法自拔。
所以，我现在真的好委屈。
而最可悲的是，暧昧是我的感觉，我的委屈。
你是怎么想的呢？
我没有勇气去问。
只好就这样在委屈里找寻一个答案，
等待的游戏，又开始了。
it's only thursday...
this week has been horribly long..
even though logically speaking...
the amount of time that has passed is the same as last week...
yet,
i feel like i've been through a whole lot of stuff/crap/shit...
emotional upheavals are just so bad for health...
still remember on monday...
a friend said to me 'dun think so much. shit happens'
and i replied 'yeah.i know. but why does it keep happening to me?'
then today...
i realised that statement sounded really...petty...
because...compared to the major shit in life...
the little bits of poo i have to tread through is really nothing...
i am healthy (okie...ignoring the giddy spells)
i am fit (well..i can cycle to esplanade and back and no muscle ache the day after)
i have roof over my head and clothes on my body..and shoes on my feet...
i dun go hungry for longer than 5 hours..
so, i should just be thankful and appreciate the little things in life yah?
yes...i should...
problem lies in the word 'should'
cos so many things 'should' be done...
but, they never get done...
and so...just as i was lying in bed last night..
trying to feel thankful for the small pleasures in life...
i find myself tearing up...
because i hopelessly can't do it...
and as my tears soak through my pillow case and my pillow gets all soggy *eeewww*
i told myself...
that i really have to snap out of it...
because i can't always be feeling so *aarrrggghhhh* about life...
especially when i have to appear all cheerful in front of my really depresse patients...
sometimes....life just gets too complicated...
but as i told my friend one week ago..
the beauty of life lies in its imperfection (actually, i said imperfectness...lousy english lah)
yes...
so i am trying to learn to appreciate the imperfection of my life...
and to look at the flaws as another brush stroke, and not another mistake...
this week has been horribly long..
even though logically speaking...
the amount of time that has passed is the same as last week...
yet,
i feel like i've been through a whole lot of stuff/crap/shit...
emotional upheavals are just so bad for health...
still remember on monday...
a friend said to me 'dun think so much. shit happens'
and i replied 'yeah.i know. but why does it keep happening to me?'
then today...
i realised that statement sounded really...petty...
because...compared to the major shit in life...
the little bits of poo i have to tread through is really nothing...
i am healthy (okie...ignoring the giddy spells)
i am fit (well..i can cycle to esplanade and back and no muscle ache the day after)
i have roof over my head and clothes on my body..and shoes on my feet...
i dun go hungry for longer than 5 hours..
so, i should just be thankful and appreciate the little things in life yah?
yes...i should...
problem lies in the word 'should'
cos so many things 'should' be done...
but, they never get done...
and so...just as i was lying in bed last night..
trying to feel thankful for the small pleasures in life...
i find myself tearing up...
because i hopelessly can't do it...
and as my tears soak through my pillow case and my pillow gets all soggy *eeewww*
i told myself...
that i really have to snap out of it...
because i can't always be feeling so *aarrrggghhhh* about life...
especially when i have to appear all cheerful in front of my really depresse patients...
sometimes....life just gets too complicated...
but as i told my friend one week ago..
the beauty of life lies in its imperfection (actually, i said imperfectness...lousy english lah)
yes...
so i am trying to learn to appreciate the imperfection of my life...
and to look at the flaws as another brush stroke, and not another mistake...
我还以为只要不见，就会把你从心里删除。
却因为太久不见，见面时的尴尬， 让我觉得不见面比较好。
但是无法避免的会面，看见你，只觉得心好痛。
突然发现自己把你想像的太美好，
所以当初会沉迷，
所以后来会觉悟，
所以现在会心痛。
突然觉得自己把你看得太重要，
所以当初我执着，
所以后来我放弃，
所以现在我内疚。
似乎一切，是我的错。
当初不沉迷与执着，如今，又哪来的心痛与内疚呢？
如果我在那时就接受了你提出的分手，
后来，我们的日子，也许就会少了很多悲哀。
而现在，我也不必自己对着自己的选择反复地想，
不会有那种‘千古罪人’的感觉。
早时肯放手，如今，我也许可以比较从容面对一切，
享受我所拥有的自由。
悔不当初，不能回到过去，不能重新来过。
人生如江水，向东流，不复返。
要时光倒流，不可能。
所以，要面对自己的很多‘早知道’，
也要接受因为不能‘早知道’而发生的后果。
很纳闷自己这样的情绪，到底何时才会停止？
为什么不能释怀？
为什么就是放不下？
为什么已经一年了，我还是不能勇敢面对自己的选择？
却因为太久不见，见面时的尴尬， 让我觉得不见面比较好。
但是无法避免的会面，看见你，只觉得心好痛。
突然发现自己把你想像的太美好，
所以当初会沉迷，
所以后来会觉悟，
所以现在会心痛。
突然觉得自己把你看得太重要，
所以当初我执着，
所以后来我放弃，
所以现在我内疚。
似乎一切，是我的错。
当初不沉迷与执着，如今，又哪来的心痛与内疚呢？
如果我在那时就接受了你提出的分手，
后来，我们的日子，也许就会少了很多悲哀。
而现在，我也不必自己对着自己的选择反复地想，
不会有那种‘千古罪人’的感觉。
早时肯放手，如今，我也许可以比较从容面对一切，
享受我所拥有的自由。
悔不当初，不能回到过去，不能重新来过。
人生如江水，向东流，不复返。
要时光倒流，不可能。
所以，要面对自己的很多‘早知道’，
也要接受因为不能‘早知道’而发生的后果。
很纳闷自己这样的情绪，到底何时才会停止？
为什么不能释怀？
为什么就是放不下？
为什么已经一年了，我还是不能勇敢面对自己的选择？
today...is officially the worst day i have experienced so far...
why? why?!
because i am still fuming mad at last night's bahkwa fiasco...
details of which shall remain a family dark secret...
but i was pissed...
so pissed that i decided i dun want to eat bah kwa!
(yeah right..i dun want to eat cos i got sore throat lah...)
and then, early in the morning, i got an sms from somebody
asking me to meet tonight so we can pass our stuff to each other...
considering i emailed him on saturday...
the least he can do is to give me a few more days to prepare right?
meet tomorrow...or wednesday...i can handle...
but today! so rushed!!
i am in a bad mood...
then, i read something else....
in the sms, he said he can't find any of my stuff at his place...
wth...
i am damn sure, guarantee+chop i got stuff left there lor..
cannot find...
yeah right..more like too lazy to find or basically already incinerated...
darn...
what happen to common decency??
by the time i was on the mrt...
a headache has started pounding...
and then, i got horrible cramps.
no need to elaborate abt the cramps..
slept all the way to novena...
then...
i am also hit by giddy spells...
which basically cause me to work at about half my usual efficiency...
and also, repetitive cold sweats...
leaving me very close to fainting in the ICU
cos i could hardly breathe through the mask...
in the wards, my patients all look at me quizzically...
when i allow them to rest...instead of pushing them to walk further..
not because they are tired..
but because i was so dizzy...
i didn't wanna risk letting my patient fall...
i think all my patients are wondering what good luck has befallen onto them today...
the 'physio-terrorist' is lenient today!
by the time i reutrn to the office at the end of the day...
i was inalotofpain, extremelyexhausted, scowling&frowning...
slept on mrt again...ended with neck ache and worse giddiness...
came home...
got scolded for coming online...
then, somebody asked me 'later u coming down? or just ur dad?'
wth...
come up cannot meh?!
what happened to common decency?!!?!?!?
nvm that..still insisting cannot find anything i left...
fine...benefit of the doubt..
maybe his mum threw them out without him knowing...watever...
then...told my mum wat he said abt coming down...
she said 'tell him i wanna see him'
i replied 'ah, u see him lor. i'll be in my room..dun feel like seeing him'
(because i might just BITE HIS HEAD OFF!)
wat reply did i get??
神经病!
wah..win already lor...
my mum say i am crazy because of somebody
i seriously think this daughter of hers really have no significance...
and then...she scolded me again for coming online!!
so i told her 'i'm in a bad mood lah. cannot play on the Internet abit meh?'
(okie..so i was rude to her...sorrie mummy)
well...
of course i want to come online lah..
at least people i talk to online will not say i am crazy when i dun want to see somebody
and..at least i'll get some virtual hugs online...
what do i get in real life??
scoldings...scoldings...scoldings...
and a whole lot of anger!!
and now, i am sitting here...
wondering when the hell is the pain going to go away...
and when the hell is the giddiness gonna subside...
suddenly realised 13 march is such a lousy day for me...
was lousy last year...
still lousy this year...
one year liaoz lor...
single, depressed and unwanted...
sighz...
sleeping now will be a good escape from the harsh reality later...
but...
gotta face it...
and i really really need to move on...
it's time for closure...
it's time...
to close that chapter of my life...
the end...
why? why?!
because i am still fuming mad at last night's bahkwa fiasco...
details of which shall remain a family dark secret...
but i was pissed...
so pissed that i decided i dun want to eat bah kwa!
(yeah right..i dun want to eat cos i got sore throat lah...)
and then, early in the morning, i got an sms from somebody
asking me to meet tonight so we can pass our stuff to each other...
considering i emailed him on saturday...
the least he can do is to give me a few more days to prepare right?
meet tomorrow...or wednesday...i can handle...
but today! so rushed!!
i am in a bad mood...
then, i read something else....
in the sms, he said he can't find any of my stuff at his place...
wth...
i am damn sure, guarantee+chop i got stuff left there lor..
cannot find...
yeah right..more like too lazy to find or basically already incinerated...
darn...
what happen to common decency??
by the time i was on the mrt...
a headache has started pounding...
and then, i got horrible cramps.
no need to elaborate abt the cramps..
slept all the way to novena...
then...
i am also hit by giddy spells...
which basically cause me to work at about half my usual efficiency...
and also, repetitive cold sweats...
leaving me very close to fainting in the ICU
cos i could hardly breathe through the mask...
in the wards, my patients all look at me quizzically...
when i allow them to rest...instead of pushing them to walk further..
not because they are tired..
but because i was so dizzy...
i didn't wanna risk letting my patient fall...
i think all my patients are wondering what good luck has befallen onto them today...
the 'physio-terrorist' is lenient today!
by the time i reutrn to the office at the end of the day...
i was inalotofpain, extremelyexhausted, scowling&frowning...
slept on mrt again...ended with neck ache and worse giddiness...
came home...
got scolded for coming online...
then, somebody asked me 'later u coming down? or just ur dad?'
wth...
come up cannot meh?!
what happened to common decency?!!?!?!?
nvm that..still insisting cannot find anything i left...
fine...benefit of the doubt..
maybe his mum threw them out without him knowing...watever...
then...told my mum wat he said abt coming down...
she said 'tell him i wanna see him'
i replied 'ah, u see him lor. i'll be in my room..dun feel like seeing him'
(because i might just BITE HIS HEAD OFF!)
wat reply did i get??
神经病!
wah..win already lor...
my mum say i am crazy because of somebody
i seriously think this daughter of hers really have no significance...
and then...she scolded me again for coming online!!
so i told her 'i'm in a bad mood lah. cannot play on the Internet abit meh?'
(okie..so i was rude to her...sorrie mummy)
well...
of course i want to come online lah..
at least people i talk to online will not say i am crazy when i dun want to see somebody
and..at least i'll get some virtual hugs online...
what do i get in real life??
scoldings...scoldings...scoldings...
and a whole lot of anger!!
and now, i am sitting here...
wondering when the hell is the pain going to go away...
and when the hell is the giddiness gonna subside...
suddenly realised 13 march is such a lousy day for me...
was lousy last year...
still lousy this year...
one year liaoz lor...
single, depressed and unwanted...
sighz...
sleeping now will be a good escape from the harsh reality later...
but...
gotta face it...
and i really really need to move on...
it's time for closure...
it's time...
to close that chapter of my life...
the end...
sunday!
woke up to 'mic test mic test 1 2 3'...
cos just less than 50m from my block..
they are having the upgrading completion party...
ironically, my block happens to be one of those NOT upgraded yet..
-_-
now, there's someone singing...
she sounds really young...
i'll guess less than 15 years old....
but i wouldn't know cos i am up here typing instead of downstairs...
it's getting abit too noisy...
especially the swish swish sound coming from one of those wind-sock look-alike thingie...
argh...
went cycling again today!
cycled to jalan kukoh for yummy traditional kuay chup...
*rubs tummy*
today got very bad head wind...
now my quads are trembling...
and...the sore throat i woke up with is back with a vengeance...
sigh.... but, endorphins pumping through my veins...
i'm happy! MUAHAHAHA!
hmm..'little girl' still singing... it's a chinese song that i dun recognise...
with a lot of 'wo ai ni' in the song...
ah..the host is talking...and his voice is so irritating!
...monday tomorrow...work again!
suddenly i realised i spend 4 days each week waiting for the weekend to arrive...
then i usually waste the weekend...
and i'll moan abt monday on sunday...
hiaks hiaks hiaks...
but..this weekend has been rather fulfilling i guess...
maybe i should make it a point to go out on friday night if i am not working on sat
so that when i look back at my weekend, i won't feel like it has been wasted..haha
argh...i dun like the voice of the host!!!
he got the kind of fake chirpy voice...the voice i use to talk to my patients when i want to bluff them into getting out of bed...
which is why..sometimes i really dun like myself...
*yawn* so sleepy wor... went to bed at 9+ last night...
but din fall asleep immediately... tossing around in bed with too many things on my mind...
i wonder if there's some way to stop an overactive brain..
besides valium to put me to sleep...
... mmm...suddenly wish i am lying on the beach...
listening to the sounds of crashing waves and children's laughter...
instead of the incessant boom boom swish swish coming from downstairs...
okay, shall put a list of stuff i wanna try and do this year...
1) learn to roller blade...
2) vacation somewhere out of singapore
3) finish up the 'renovation' in my room...
4) go kbox!
5) go ice skating.. hee..
put up 5 first... these 5 already quite hard to fulfill liaoz.. considering i've been considering number 1 for the last 6-7 years... and tried to fufill number 5 for the last 5 years... and talked about number 4 for the past 1 year... *shakes head*
*YAWN* okie..better shower and wash off the grime and dirt...
looks like a nap is not possible with the noise coming from downstairs...
**************************************
i'm BORED!
and i have a sore throat...
and my friend is not replying to my sms...
*sigh*
was looking through my spain photos yesterday...
realised i have been trying to take some 'artistic' shots...
and since i am bored out of my mind..
i shall display them right here...
despite knowing that these pictures are just...
hopelessly amateur...
but...they are sort of my masterpieces...
so laugh at them...but i think they're pretty :P
woke up to 'mic test mic test 1 2 3'...
cos just less than 50m from my block..
they are having the upgrading completion party...
ironically, my block happens to be one of those NOT upgraded yet..
-_-
now, there's someone singing...
she sounds really young...
i'll guess less than 15 years old....
but i wouldn't know cos i am up here typing instead of downstairs...
it's getting abit too noisy...
especially the swish swish sound coming from one of those wind-sock look-alike thingie...
argh...
went cycling again today!
cycled to jalan kukoh for yummy traditional kuay chup...
*rubs tummy*
today got very bad head wind...
now my quads are trembling...
and...the sore throat i woke up with is back with a vengeance...
sigh.... but, endorphins pumping through my veins...
i'm happy! MUAHAHAHA!
hmm..'little girl' still singing... it's a chinese song that i dun recognise...
with a lot of 'wo ai ni' in the song...
ah..the host is talking...and his voice is so irritating!
...monday tomorrow...work again!
suddenly i realised i spend 4 days each week waiting for the weekend to arrive...
then i usually waste the weekend...
and i'll moan abt monday on sunday...
hiaks hiaks hiaks...
but..this weekend has been rather fulfilling i guess...
maybe i should make it a point to go out on friday night if i am not working on sat
so that when i look back at my weekend, i won't feel like it has been wasted..haha
argh...i dun like the voice of the host!!!
he got the kind of fake chirpy voice...the voice i use to talk to my patients when i want to bluff them into getting out of bed...
which is why..sometimes i really dun like myself...
*yawn* so sleepy wor... went to bed at 9+ last night...
but din fall asleep immediately... tossing around in bed with too many things on my mind...
i wonder if there's some way to stop an overactive brain..
besides valium to put me to sleep...
... mmm...suddenly wish i am lying on the beach...
listening to the sounds of crashing waves and children's laughter...
instead of the incessant boom boom swish swish coming from downstairs...
okay, shall put a list of stuff i wanna try and do this year...
1) learn to roller blade...
2) vacation somewhere out of singapore
3) finish up the 'renovation' in my room...
4) go kbox!
5) go ice skating.. hee..
put up 5 first... these 5 already quite hard to fulfill liaoz.. considering i've been considering number 1 for the last 6-7 years... and tried to fufill number 5 for the last 5 years... and talked about number 4 for the past 1 year... *shakes head*
*YAWN* okie..better shower and wash off the grime and dirt...
looks like a nap is not possible with the noise coming from downstairs...
**************************************
i'm BORED!
and i have a sore throat...
and my friend is not replying to my sms...
*sigh*
was looking through my spain photos yesterday...
realised i have been trying to take some 'artistic' shots...
and since i am bored out of my mind..
i shall display them right here...
despite knowing that these pictures are just...
hopelessly amateur...
but...they are sort of my masterpieces...
so laugh at them...but i think they're pretty :P
i spent almost the whole of today sitting here...
in front of my laptop..
chatting on msn...
totally oblivious to the fact that my head is spinning
because i only had 4.25 hours of sleep...
even dinner was finished here..in front of the comp...
apart from lunch and shower...
i think i din leave this seat since 11am this morning...
gosh..
it's saturday and i am home chatting on msn!?
narh...
not gonna complain about it..
cos i kinda chose to stay home...
lazy me can't be bothered to pick up the phone and ask ppl to come out...
meeting friends on msn is fun too...
been quite some time since i chatted so much on msn...
mm..2nd post in one day...
usually i post more than once if i am either BORED!!! or overwhelmed by something...
today...
i think it's both...
bored cos i am home...
overwhelmed by the sense of relief that my parents seem to have forgotten the fact that i arrived home at 5am this morning...*grin* and something else also lah...
whole day has this silly smile plastered on my face..
and been chirpy and bouncing around despite the spinning sensation i get each time i move...
gosh..
wat is wrong with me!?
lack of sleep is supposed to make one wanna just collapse right?
my body is screwed up...
well, at least now i can feel my eyelids slowly being dragged down by gravity...
hopefully i'll be back to normal tomorrow...
back to grumpy, sulky me...
pretty sure that's gonna happen cos...
i can't believe monday is almost here again!
in front of my laptop..
chatting on msn...
totally oblivious to the fact that my head is spinning
because i only had 4.25 hours of sleep...
even dinner was finished here..in front of the comp...
apart from lunch and shower...
i think i din leave this seat since 11am this morning...
gosh..
it's saturday and i am home chatting on msn!?
narh...
not gonna complain about it..
cos i kinda chose to stay home...
lazy me can't be bothered to pick up the phone and ask ppl to come out...
meeting friends on msn is fun too...
been quite some time since i chatted so much on msn...
mm..2nd post in one day...
usually i post more than once if i am either BORED!!! or overwhelmed by something...
today...
i think it's both...
bored cos i am home...
overwhelmed by the sense of relief that my parents seem to have forgotten the fact that i arrived home at 5am this morning...*grin* and something else also lah...
whole day has this silly smile plastered on my face..
and been chirpy and bouncing around despite the spinning sensation i get each time i move...
gosh..
wat is wrong with me!?
lack of sleep is supposed to make one wanna just collapse right?
my body is screwed up...
well, at least now i can feel my eyelids slowly being dragged down by gravity...
hopefully i'll be back to normal tomorrow...
back to grumpy, sulky me...
pretty sure that's gonna happen cos...
i can't believe monday is almost here again!
it's been a long while since i stayed out till wee hours of the morning...
excluding the few clubbing trials i had in melbourne...
the last time was probably nearly 5 years ago...
me and peileng..
sitting on Andersen Bridge...
playing 2 person tai-di...
waiting for the first mrt train to go home...
and breakfast at jurong east...
memories like this...they stay forever...
memories like this...never fails to make me smile...
last night/this morning, was the second time i stayed out so late/early...
and somehow, the location didn't change much...
sitting by the river...
Fullerton Hotel in this lit-up glory...
gentle breeze and somehow, never-ending topics to chat about
it was peaceful...
experiences like this...i want it to happen again...
experiences like this...always make me smile...
i forget how beautiful singapore is at night...
many would beg to differ...
singapore doesn't offer much in terms of architecture and nature sceneries...
but, i guess i am just a simple girl...
delighting herself in simple pleasures of the uninspiring nightline of this little island...
i'm digressing...
heart-to-heart talk has never been easy for me...
for those who knows me well...
i dun talk well...believe or not...
i may be noisy and irritating as h***
spouting nonsense and laughing like some crazy hyena...
but when it comes to serious stuff...
the lock comes on...and the words stay within the confines of my cranial vault...
i've learnt to hide behind the computor screen...
when :'( is so much easier...
than trying to keep my voice under control
while my lungs scream for air cos of uncontrollable, hysterical crying...
when :) is a far better hiding place...
than trying to squeeze a smile onto my face
so, MSN has become the way i communicate...
perhaps that's why...
i've forgotten how to talk properly...
alot of times, words come out all jumbled in my head...
takes me ages to try and figure out how to put them all together to make sense...
and let's not forget how easily embarrassed i am...
when talking about simple stuff causes extensive vasodilatation in my face...
one year ago (well..364 days ago)
i made a decision to change something in my life...
364 days later...
no regrets...only a deepening sense of uncertainty...
recalling a scene from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.
Rachel needed closure cos Ross has a girlfriend...
so she wanted to get over him...
for me...
i need closure because i think..
it's really time i close that chapter of my life...
instead of letting it stay open...
and i keep wondering what the ending will be like...
cos...the ending is already written...
yet i am still sitting here, with my pen poised over the paper...
trying to fill in the missing bits between 364 days ago and the ending...
tired...really sick and tired...
reaching a point when alot of things in my life...
is fast becoming a 'why'...
instead of a 'how'...
i start to question too many things...
including myself...
last night, sitting at the bus stop waiting for that midnight 174 that never arrived...
i was 'forced' to say - i need to give myself some credit
out loud...4 times i think...
embarrassed? yes...
more than that...
i feel inadequate...
because...i thot only moronic fools need to say such stuff that is only common sense...
and then i realised...i am a moronic fool...
my 'common sense' has become uncommon...
and somewhere between then and now...
i forgot how to just be myself...
lost...doesn't begin to describe how i feel...
it's like i am starting on a journey i dun want to go on...
to rediscover myself
no map...no compass...
only relying on my instincts...
and hopefully, some guidance along the way...
excluding the few clubbing trials i had in melbourne...
the last time was probably nearly 5 years ago...
me and peileng..
sitting on Andersen Bridge...
playing 2 person tai-di...
waiting for the first mrt train to go home...
and breakfast at jurong east...
memories like this...they stay forever...
memories like this...never fails to make me smile...
last night/this morning, was the second time i stayed out so late/early...
and somehow, the location didn't change much...
sitting by the river...
Fullerton Hotel in this lit-up glory...
gentle breeze and somehow, never-ending topics to chat about
it was peaceful...
experiences like this...i want it to happen again...
experiences like this...always make me smile...
i forget how beautiful singapore is at night...
many would beg to differ...
singapore doesn't offer much in terms of architecture and nature sceneries...
but, i guess i am just a simple girl...
delighting herself in simple pleasures of the uninspiring nightline of this little island...
i'm digressing...
heart-to-heart talk has never been easy for me...
for those who knows me well...
i dun talk well...believe or not...
i may be noisy and irritating as h***
spouting nonsense and laughing like some crazy hyena...
but when it comes to serious stuff...
the lock comes on...and the words stay within the confines of my cranial vault...
i've learnt to hide behind the computor screen...
when :'( is so much easier...
than trying to keep my voice under control
while my lungs scream for air cos of uncontrollable, hysterical crying...
when :) is a far better hiding place...
than trying to squeeze a smile onto my face
so, MSN has become the way i communicate...
perhaps that's why...
i've forgotten how to talk properly...
alot of times, words come out all jumbled in my head...
takes me ages to try and figure out how to put them all together to make sense...
and let's not forget how easily embarrassed i am...
when talking about simple stuff causes extensive vasodilatation in my face...
one year ago (well..364 days ago)
i made a decision to change something in my life...
364 days later...
no regrets...only a deepening sense of uncertainty...
recalling a scene from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.
Rachel needed closure cos Ross has a girlfriend...
so she wanted to get over him...
for me...
i need closure because i think..
it's really time i close that chapter of my life...
instead of letting it stay open...
and i keep wondering what the ending will be like...
cos...the ending is already written...
yet i am still sitting here, with my pen poised over the paper...
trying to fill in the missing bits between 364 days ago and the ending...
tired...really sick and tired...
reaching a point when alot of things in my life...
is fast becoming a 'why'...
instead of a 'how'...
i start to question too many things...
including myself...
last night, sitting at the bus stop waiting for that midnight 174 that never arrived...
i was 'forced' to say - i need to give myself some credit
out loud...4 times i think...
embarrassed? yes...
more than that...
i feel inadequate...
because...i thot only moronic fools need to say such stuff that is only common sense...
and then i realised...i am a moronic fool...
my 'common sense' has become uncommon...
and somewhere between then and now...
i forgot how to just be myself...
lost...doesn't begin to describe how i feel...
it's like i am starting on a journey i dun want to go on...
to rediscover myself
no map...no compass...
only relying on my instincts...
and hopefully, some guidance along the way...
最近迷上了台湾的爱情小说。
不是那种哭哭啼啼的琼瑶小说，
而是那种幽默风趣的。
读着读着，感觉自己有时候在读自己的心声。
“从朋友到情人的距离，只有一条线。
反向回来，却成了一条河。
我想要跨越那零点一厘米的距离；
却又害怕自己，回不了岸。” - 黄黄 《微笑情缘》
简单的一句话，说出了许多人对感情的裹足不前。
友谊，常常成为爱情结束后的牺牲品。
爱情，也有时因为友谊无法发展下去。
要让两者并存，很难。
做到了，却是多么地难能可贵啊！
自己多少次，也徘徊在这样的矛盾中。
每一次都无意地伤害了他人，
自己也落下了无数的泪滴。
这个世界，没有一个爱的方程式。
不是简简单单的1+1=2。
很多时候，一个女生加一个男生，
得到的答案，却是错综复杂的感情。
感情中的对与错，又是另外一个题目。
好像两个人恋爱，
就是在一题一题地解答。
回报，就是一生的相守，刻苦铭心的故事。
现在的自己，像是浮在急流里的落叶。
5 年前跨越了那一厘米的距离，
如今，漂流在非友非恋人的地带。
前不见古人，后不见来着。
在急流中跌跌撞撞，就是一直靠不到岸。
快要溺毙了。
好累了。
现在，只想有个好心人，会把我这片落叶捡起，
让我上岸后，好好地休息。
让我可以再次面对自己的从前，
鼓起勇气来面对自己的将来。
你，是那一位好心人吗？
你的肩膀，可以让我靠一靠吗？
你，是否愿意暖和我已冰冷的双手？
你的关怀，会成为帮我找回河岸的救生圈吗？
无止尽的等待。
在黑暗中摸索着一个让我归岸的方向。
你，在哪里？
不是那种哭哭啼啼的琼瑶小说，
而是那种幽默风趣的。
读着读着，感觉自己有时候在读自己的心声。
“从朋友到情人的距离，只有一条线。
反向回来，却成了一条河。
我想要跨越那零点一厘米的距离；
却又害怕自己，回不了岸。” - 黄黄 《微笑情缘》
简单的一句话，说出了许多人对感情的裹足不前。
友谊，常常成为爱情结束后的牺牲品。
爱情，也有时因为友谊无法发展下去。
要让两者并存，很难。
做到了，却是多么地难能可贵啊！
自己多少次，也徘徊在这样的矛盾中。
每一次都无意地伤害了他人，
自己也落下了无数的泪滴。
这个世界，没有一个爱的方程式。
不是简简单单的1+1=2。
很多时候，一个女生加一个男生，
得到的答案，却是错综复杂的感情。
感情中的对与错，又是另外一个题目。
好像两个人恋爱，
就是在一题一题地解答。
回报，就是一生的相守，刻苦铭心的故事。
现在的自己，像是浮在急流里的落叶。
5 年前跨越了那一厘米的距离，
如今，漂流在非友非恋人的地带。
前不见古人，后不见来着。
在急流中跌跌撞撞，就是一直靠不到岸。
快要溺毙了。
好累了。
现在，只想有个好心人，会把我这片落叶捡起，
让我上岸后，好好地休息。
让我可以再次面对自己的从前，
鼓起勇气来面对自己的将来。
你，是那一位好心人吗？
你的肩膀，可以让我靠一靠吗？
你，是否愿意暖和我已冰冷的双手？
你的关怀，会成为帮我找回河岸的救生圈吗？
无止尽的等待。
在黑暗中摸索着一个让我归岸的方向。
你，在哪里？
it's getting late...
so i shall not blog too much...
dealing with my own incompetency has never been easy...
vivid memories of my clinical days remain...
when supervisors shoot questions and all i can think of is 'i dunno'
but today...
it's my patient who gave me problems...
and as i was standing there...
fuming mad and still trying to calm the patient down...
he shoved me...pushing me away...
that's rejection in the most physical form...
if not for my TA there to help...
i think i would have either a) burst out crying or b) shoved the patient back onto the bed and walked away...
yet, as i watched my TA calmly talked to my patient in fluent teochew...
a sense of failure overwhelms me...
followed by a deeper sense of incompetency...
and eventually, boiling down to a question i have asked myself since i started work
is this what i see myself doing for the next n years?
while i used to be able to tell myself that i'll get better with time...
the honest part of me knows that...
i will never ever get used to patients like that...
u can reject me verbally...
and i can stand there and try to talk sense into you until one of us give in...
but the moment u physically pushes/shoves me away...or verbally abuse me
something inside just snaps...
because, this is NOT what i signed a bond for...
i have better things to do than stand there and try to help u...
while u are shoving me away...
because to be honest, i really dun need to cajole u...
and i really dun have the patience...
which brings me to the question i've been dwelling on for the whole day...
am i cut out to be a physio after all??
i am struggling to grasp this reality...
i understand patient can refuse treatment...
but i dun understand why i have to demean myself to a lowly level...
using all kinds of tricks to get patients to engage in therapy...
at this very moment...
i really 'dun give a tiny rat's ass'
brooding...fuming...
more important of all...
that sense of failure permeates my very being...
as my bed time approaches...
i wonder...
will tomorrow be yet another day...
i have to face my own failure once again?
suddenly, i'm so tired...
suddenly...i just wish i can sit by the river or the beach...
and just chill out...
and not-quite-suddenly, i long for the quiet presence of somebody...
just to be there...
to listen...to comfort...and to make the sun shine in my world again...
so i shall not blog too much...
dealing with my own incompetency has never been easy...
vivid memories of my clinical days remain...
when supervisors shoot questions and all i can think of is 'i dunno'
but today...
it's my patient who gave me problems...
and as i was standing there...
fuming mad and still trying to calm the patient down...
he shoved me...pushing me away...
that's rejection in the most physical form...
if not for my TA there to help...
i think i would have either a) burst out crying or b) shoved the patient back onto the bed and walked away...
yet, as i watched my TA calmly talked to my patient in fluent teochew...
a sense of failure overwhelms me...
followed by a deeper sense of incompetency...
and eventually, boiling down to a question i have asked myself since i started work
is this what i see myself doing for the next n years?
while i used to be able to tell myself that i'll get better with time...
the honest part of me knows that...
i will never ever get used to patients like that...
u can reject me verbally...
and i can stand there and try to talk sense into you until one of us give in...
but the moment u physically pushes/shoves me away...or verbally abuse me
something inside just snaps...
because, this is NOT what i signed a bond for...
i have better things to do than stand there and try to help u...
while u are shoving me away...
because to be honest, i really dun need to cajole u...
and i really dun have the patience...
which brings me to the question i've been dwelling on for the whole day...
am i cut out to be a physio after all??
i am struggling to grasp this reality...
i understand patient can refuse treatment...
but i dun understand why i have to demean myself to a lowly level...
using all kinds of tricks to get patients to engage in therapy...
at this very moment...
i really 'dun give a tiny rat's ass'
brooding...fuming...
more important of all...
that sense of failure permeates my very being...
as my bed time approaches...
i wonder...
will tomorrow be yet another day...
i have to face my own failure once again?
suddenly, i'm so tired...
suddenly...i just wish i can sit by the river or the beach...
and just chill out...
and not-quite-suddenly, i long for the quiet presence of somebody...
just to be there...
to listen...to comfort...and to make the sun shine in my world again...
monday blues...
i usually dun get them...
at least, i dun get the 'blues'...
what i usually get is more like monday sian-ity
the 'sian ah!!!!' feeling u get when ur precious sleep gets interrupted by the alarm clock
but today...
today was just blue..blue...blue...
nope, nothing happened..
at least, nothing extraordinary happened..
the usual monday rush to get workplans filled in...
the usual monday pages to see new patients...
the usual percussion+vibrations+ambulation with patients...
the usual coaxing patients to get out of bed...
so, nothing special happened that made me upset...
the blue feeling just came...and stuck with me till now...
a sinking feeling within...
like seeing my mood dip lower and lower..
until i thought it hit rock bottom...
then as i sat on the mrt and reading my chinese book...
the mood sank lower and lower...
i guess it's just a bottomless pit...
well..something did cheer me up...
50cent Mac's vanilla cone!
inspired by M's remark that gelati can help elevate the mood...
i head down to mac's and got myself a sinful vanilla cone
(thus negating the amt of exercise i did over the weekend)
and as i consumed the cool, white, creamy cone while i walk home...
i felt my mood being buoyed significantly...
and a funny sms from M managed to knock me out of my blue blue mood..
well, at least for an hour or so...
after dinner, as i sat down in front of my comp...
and staring at the list of online friends on MSN,
the mood decided to head for a dip again...
and thus, my 'inspiration' to blog...
suddenly wish for a shoulder to lean on...
and no need to speak or explain..
just for that sense of support...
just to let me know that when things go wrong
there is still someone there...
and...a hug will be nice...
longing...missing for that invisible someone...
for now...i seek comfort in my bolster...
and wait for the clouds to float away
so the sun can shine once again...
i usually dun get them...
at least, i dun get the 'blues'...
what i usually get is more like monday sian-ity
the 'sian ah!!!!' feeling u get when ur precious sleep gets interrupted by the alarm clock
but today...
today was just blue..blue...blue...
nope, nothing happened..
at least, nothing extraordinary happened..
the usual monday rush to get workplans filled in...
the usual monday pages to see new patients...
the usual percussion+vibrations+ambulation with patients...
the usual coaxing patients to get out of bed...
so, nothing special happened that made me upset...
the blue feeling just came...and stuck with me till now...
a sinking feeling within...
like seeing my mood dip lower and lower..
until i thought it hit rock bottom...
then as i sat on the mrt and reading my chinese book...
the mood sank lower and lower...
i guess it's just a bottomless pit...
well..something did cheer me up...
50cent Mac's vanilla cone!
inspired by M's remark that gelati can help elevate the mood...
i head down to mac's and got myself a sinful vanilla cone
(thus negating the amt of exercise i did over the weekend)
and as i consumed the cool, white, creamy cone while i walk home...
i felt my mood being buoyed significantly...
and a funny sms from M managed to knock me out of my blue blue mood..
well, at least for an hour or so...
after dinner, as i sat down in front of my comp...
and staring at the list of online friends on MSN,
the mood decided to head for a dip again...
and thus, my 'inspiration' to blog...
suddenly wish for a shoulder to lean on...
and no need to speak or explain..
just for that sense of support...
just to let me know that when things go wrong
there is still someone there...
and...a hug will be nice...
longing...missing for that invisible someone...
for now...i seek comfort in my bolster...
and wait for the clouds to float away
so the sun can shine once again...
ahh...what a weekend...
started with dinner and gai-gai with carolina in orchard on friday night...
turkish food was yummy...dessert was a bit disappointing...
peach melba crepe wasn't as good as i though..
i miss the savoury crepe i had in paris!
but i had fun...
sometimes feel abit weird that i am so close to my 'boss'
have so much fun with her...
even friday night out was impromptu...
just there in the ward...and we were talking..
then suddenly just decide we'll go out..
first time i had to call home to tell my mum i am not coming home for dinner...
another social achievement for gretel...
*applause*
then, saturday morning went swimming...got tanned!!
managed to swim 2 laps in front crawl...
died-ed after that though..gretel=hopeless swimmer...
then come back..and lunch was bread with campbell's cream of mushroom soup...
so yummy!!
though most pple will think that's very common food..
but somehow, it brings back alot of memories...
so, after lunch...
meet up with CS gang (with missing members: wp, eugene and andrew)
went to cafe iguana for what jf claimed has the best magerita he has tasted
so, we sat down, ordered a jug of mango magerita
and it was really YUMMY!
(though edwin said it tasted just like mango juice)
the meet-up was supposed to celebrate jf's bday (which is today! happy bday jf!)
and jf wanted to try the mar bars shooter at the cafe
so, edwin and i decided to drink with him lor...
jf got his mars bars shooter, edwin got a choc mint shooter...and i ordered a tequila popper
so, i popped and i shot...and the two guys??
they happily sip at their shooters and even try each other's lor!!
wth...
and after that, the alcohol finally got to me lah..
i felt like i was on a boat...rocking and swaying...
and talking unnecessarily loud..and i think i was giggling too...
but, we need to have dinner...
so we walked to chinatown to have porridge...well, they walked, i was sort of floating/stumbling
(dun ask me why we drank before dinner...it was my lousy idea which i still dun understand myself)
luckily, i managed to recover after dinner...
after dinner, jf had to go back to camp...
so edwin, pl and i decided to go to west mall to catch a movie (rumour has it)
then had supper after movie (hor fun taste so much better when it's near to midnight!)
came home..showered and concussed...
and today...
i decided i should exercise more to burn off those calories from the alcohol..
so, went cycling with daddy...
original plan was to cycle to ghim moh and makan..then come back...
after breakfast..daddy then suggested we cycle to esplande..
yes, esplanade..as in singapore river...opposite merlion that esplande!
oh well..since daddy has confidence in me, i thot i should give it a try lor..
and i did it!
we cycled to esplanade, borrowed dvds, then cycle to redhill to buy lunch
and then cycled home..
now my arms are red..probably sunburnt...
my butt hurts...and my quads feel like they've been overstrained..
and of course, i am tired lah...can concuss right now...
but, the endorphins are still swimming in my blood..
so, i am up and blogging...
now, it is pouring with rain in bukit batok...
lucky dad and i managed to make it back before the rain started...
mm...JC singing, rain drops falling....
lazy sunday evening...
maybe..if family is keen...
can play some mahjong later!
in the meantime...
i'll enjoy my music....
and try to stay awake...
started with dinner and gai-gai with carolina in orchard on friday night...
turkish food was yummy...dessert was a bit disappointing...
peach melba crepe wasn't as good as i though..
i miss the savoury crepe i had in paris!
but i had fun...
sometimes feel abit weird that i am so close to my 'boss'
have so much fun with her...
even friday night out was impromptu...
just there in the ward...and we were talking..
then suddenly just decide we'll go out..
first time i had to call home to tell my mum i am not coming home for dinner...
another social achievement for gretel...
*applause*
then, saturday morning went swimming...got tanned!!
managed to swim 2 laps in front crawl...
died-ed after that though..gretel=hopeless swimmer...
then come back..and lunch was bread with campbell's cream of mushroom soup...
so yummy!!
though most pple will think that's very common food..
but somehow, it brings back alot of memories...
so, after lunch...
meet up with CS gang (with missing members: wp, eugene and andrew)
went to cafe iguana for what jf claimed has the best magerita he has tasted
so, we sat down, ordered a jug of mango magerita
and it was really YUMMY!
(though edwin said it tasted just like mango juice)
the meet-up was supposed to celebrate jf's bday (which is today! happy bday jf!)
and jf wanted to try the mar bars shooter at the cafe
so, edwin and i decided to drink with him lor...
jf got his mars bars shooter, edwin got a choc mint shooter...and i ordered a tequila popper
so, i popped and i shot...and the two guys??
they happily sip at their shooters and even try each other's lor!!
wth...
and after that, the alcohol finally got to me lah..
i felt like i was on a boat...rocking and swaying...
and talking unnecessarily loud..and i think i was giggling too...
but, we need to have dinner...
so we walked to chinatown to have porridge...well, they walked, i was sort of floating/stumbling
(dun ask me why we drank before dinner...it was my lousy idea which i still dun understand myself)
luckily, i managed to recover after dinner...
after dinner, jf had to go back to camp...
so edwin, pl and i decided to go to west mall to catch a movie (rumour has it)
then had supper after movie (hor fun taste so much better when it's near to midnight!)
came home..showered and concussed...
and today...
i decided i should exercise more to burn off those calories from the alcohol..
so, went cycling with daddy...
original plan was to cycle to ghim moh and makan..then come back...
after breakfast..daddy then suggested we cycle to esplande..
yes, esplanade..as in singapore river...opposite merlion that esplande!
oh well..since daddy has confidence in me, i thot i should give it a try lor..
and i did it!
we cycled to esplanade, borrowed dvds, then cycle to redhill to buy lunch
and then cycled home..
now my arms are red..probably sunburnt...
my butt hurts...and my quads feel like they've been overstrained..
and of course, i am tired lah...can concuss right now...
but, the endorphins are still swimming in my blood..
so, i am up and blogging...
now, it is pouring with rain in bukit batok...
lucky dad and i managed to make it back before the rain started...
mm...JC singing, rain drops falling....
lazy sunday evening...
maybe..if family is keen...
can play some mahjong later!
in the meantime...
i'll enjoy my music....
and try to stay awake...
i always think my uncles and aunties are trying to bluff their way out of physio
when they say their 'tao gong gong' and 'kar bor lart' (giddy and weak in the legs)
until today...
when i was done treating one of my patients..
and was about to write my notes...
i was hit by a sudden sensation of 'tao gong gong' and 'kar bor lart'...
as i sit down and try and ignore the 'gong gong' feeling...
i knew that i need sugar...
so, after writing my notes, i bought a cup of hot milo..
and slowly sip it...
and i did feel better after that..
so, i went on to see my patients...
but, as i entered the physio office when i'm done for the day...
sitting in front of the comp and doing billing...
the same sensation hit me again...
only this time, i feel like i am going to faint...
like i did 5 years ago in AH...
so, after my billing is done...i munched on a choc bun
while carolina asked me if i want a lift home...
considering i am at the brink of fainting...
taking the mrt alone isn't a good idea..
dunno if the people on the mrt knows what to do if i faint...so i guess, faint in carolina's car is safer lah
though i must say i am shocked that the cake din help at all...usually choc works well
cos through the ride home, i was feeling woozy...and instead of 'kar bor lart'...
i feel more like 'kar neng neng' (wobbly legs)
so when i got out of her car..
and walk up the slope to my block...
i can fully empathise with how one of my patients was feeling today...
when she was standing there and her legs start trembling...
but, i made it home..safe and sound...
first thing i asked was 'is dinner ready?'
and my mum retorted 'blood sugar low again?'
to which i replied 'yah lor'
so instead of the usual justbrushaside response i get from mummy...
she is now worried that i am seriously anaemic...
and not hypoglycaemic..
and i agree with her...
cos i am not diabetic mah..where got anyhow then hypo one??
so she is thinking of bringing me to see chinese sinseh...
i dun mind lah..maybe it'll work..
and she asking me to eat iron tablets
*eewwgghh* my poo is gonna look black...
oh well...at least now i feel almost back to normal after dinner...
received a call while i was in carolina's car...
so nice when someone cares enough to call and check that i'm fine...
*sniffle*
suddenly feel so pampered by the attention
from the phone call..from mummy's change in attitude...
suddenly also feel very useless...
so young then already 'tao gong gong' and 'kar neng neng'
hopeless lah...
mmm...still so sleepy today...
had a weird dream last night..
which i was crying and crying..
and when i woke up, my eyes feel like golf balls
so i went to work today wearing glasses instead of contacts..
and everyone was like 'eh? why u wear glasses??'
one of my colleague thought i look studious...
i personally thought i look nerdy...
oh well...nerdy or not...
not as if my patients are gonna care...
and no cute docs anyway...haha...
so nerdy then nerdy lor...
but wear glasses to work...quite troublesome...
putting on the N95 mask need to take out glasses first...
and when i wear surgical mask, my glasses will fog up...sigh
but...when my eyes are like golf balls...
it's impossible to get my contacts in comfortably...
so...fogging and nerdiness will be something i have to endure with lah...
wah..blogged so much crap again...
when i am tired..i just get crappier and crappier...
i think my brain suffered damage from the lack of glucose and oxygen just now...
okie..i am babbling..
time to slack off...tv time!
when they say their 'tao gong gong' and 'kar bor lart' (giddy and weak in the legs)
until today...
when i was done treating one of my patients..
and was about to write my notes...
i was hit by a sudden sensation of 'tao gong gong' and 'kar bor lart'...
as i sit down and try and ignore the 'gong gong' feeling...
i knew that i need sugar...
so, after writing my notes, i bought a cup of hot milo..
and slowly sip it...
and i did feel better after that..
so, i went on to see my patients...
but, as i entered the physio office when i'm done for the day...
sitting in front of the comp and doing billing...
the same sensation hit me again...
only this time, i feel like i am going to faint...
like i did 5 years ago in AH...
so, after my billing is done...i munched on a choc bun
while carolina asked me if i want a lift home...
considering i am at the brink of fainting...
taking the mrt alone isn't a good idea..
dunno if the people on the mrt knows what to do if i faint...so i guess, faint in carolina's car is safer lah
though i must say i am shocked that the cake din help at all...usually choc works well
cos through the ride home, i was feeling woozy...and instead of 'kar bor lart'...
i feel more like 'kar neng neng' (wobbly legs)
so when i got out of her car..
and walk up the slope to my block...
i can fully empathise with how one of my patients was feeling today...
when she was standing there and her legs start trembling...
but, i made it home..safe and sound...
first thing i asked was 'is dinner ready?'
and my mum retorted 'blood sugar low again?'
to which i replied 'yah lor'
so instead of the usual justbrushaside response i get from mummy...
she is now worried that i am seriously anaemic...
and not hypoglycaemic..
and i agree with her...
cos i am not diabetic mah..where got anyhow then hypo one??
so she is thinking of bringing me to see chinese sinseh...
i dun mind lah..maybe it'll work..
and she asking me to eat iron tablets
*eewwgghh* my poo is gonna look black...
oh well...at least now i feel almost back to normal after dinner...
received a call while i was in carolina's car...
so nice when someone cares enough to call and check that i'm fine...
*sniffle*
suddenly feel so pampered by the attention
from the phone call..from mummy's change in attitude...
suddenly also feel very useless...
so young then already 'tao gong gong' and 'kar neng neng'
hopeless lah...
mmm...still so sleepy today...
had a weird dream last night..
which i was crying and crying..
and when i woke up, my eyes feel like golf balls
so i went to work today wearing glasses instead of contacts..
and everyone was like 'eh? why u wear glasses??'
one of my colleague thought i look studious...
i personally thought i look nerdy...
oh well...nerdy or not...
not as if my patients are gonna care...
and no cute docs anyway...haha...
so nerdy then nerdy lor...
but wear glasses to work...quite troublesome...
putting on the N95 mask need to take out glasses first...
and when i wear surgical mask, my glasses will fog up...sigh
but...when my eyes are like golf balls...
it's impossible to get my contacts in comfortably...
so...fogging and nerdiness will be something i have to endure with lah...
wah..blogged so much crap again...
when i am tired..i just get crappier and crappier...
i think my brain suffered damage from the lack of glucose and oxygen just now...
okie..i am babbling..
time to slack off...tv time!
it's mid week...
i am sitting at my table...
thinking i should either
a) lie on my bed and try to read
b) go and sleep
c) nua in front of tv (and fall asleep)
d) all of the above
instead...somehow...i end up sitting here typing this entry which i actually have no inspiration to blog at all...
i have no idea why i am this knackered...
it's as if i've reached the end of the week and tomorrow is saturday...
but nnnooooo...tomorrow is thurs!
gotta go to work!!
*ARGH!!*
sat is going to be another busy day...
swimming in morning...movie in the afternoon...and dinner in town at night...
and my father has suggested yum char on sunday morning...
i can see my weekend mornings being burnt away right before my eyes...
worse still when i am one of those few freaks who cannot take a nap in the afternoon...
dun get me wrong...
when i am really tired or really full from lunch (or in a boring lecture/talk)
falling asleep mid afternoon is no problemo!
but...i have this problem whereby i sleep 15min in the afternoon...
and i can't sleep for hours at night
(and warm milk doesn't work cos i dun drink milk...muahaha)
so...i've sort of trained myself not to nap so i can sleep at night...
and strange thing is i am not even sleep deprived!
well...at least in terms of sleeping hours, i am getting about 7 hours each night
quality of sleep...hmmm...maybe that's where the problem lies?
but...i do concuss...most of the time...
like *yawn* *lie on bed* *head hit pillow* *close eyes* *fall asleep*
perhaps the past few days...
i've had too much on my mind...?
sort of been lying on my bed and while my body is going to sleep
my brain continues to process alot of info...
sigh...
so as my eyes are drooping to an almost closed state right now...
i am wondering if i sleep at 8.42pm and wake up at 5.55am...
will i feel more awake??
i always have this theory that human beings are not meant to wake up before the sun...
so for the same number of sleeping hours...
waking up before sunrise means more exhaustion...
as proven by my experiment in melbourne...
i once slept at 10 and woke at 6 for clinics..and i feel like absolute crap...
then when it was theory block, i slept at 12 and woke at 8..
and i felt totally refreshed...
see...human beings are not meant to be woken up by the *di di di di* alarm...
we are meant to be woken up by the sun rays...
the nature way of telling us to get up and do work...
somehow i type until i getting more awake...haha...
mm...for an entry that wasn't supposed to be in at first...
i sure talk alot!
well..with so much stuff going through my head...
and so limited stuff that can be published on my blog...
i just end up typing all the stuff that i can publish to clear some space for the not-publishable
*YAWN!*
wah..eyes so dry...
maybe i should wear glasses to work tomorrow...
mm..hair still wet....cannot sleep...
i guess it's back to my usual night time entertainment...hongkie drama!
i am sitting at my table...
thinking i should either
a) lie on my bed and try to read
b) go and sleep
c) nua in front of tv (and fall asleep)
d) all of the above
instead...somehow...i end up sitting here typing this entry which i actually have no inspiration to blog at all...
i have no idea why i am this knackered...
it's as if i've reached the end of the week and tomorrow is saturday...
but nnnooooo...tomorrow is thurs!
gotta go to work!!
*ARGH!!*
sat is going to be another busy day...
swimming in morning...movie in the afternoon...and dinner in town at night...
and my father has suggested yum char on sunday morning...
i can see my weekend mornings being burnt away right before my eyes...
worse still when i am one of those few freaks who cannot take a nap in the afternoon...
dun get me wrong...
when i am really tired or really full from lunch (or in a boring lecture/talk)
falling asleep mid afternoon is no problemo!
but...i have this problem whereby i sleep 15min in the afternoon...
and i can't sleep for hours at night
(and warm milk doesn't work cos i dun drink milk...muahaha)
so...i've sort of trained myself not to nap so i can sleep at night...
and strange thing is i am not even sleep deprived!
well...at least in terms of sleeping hours, i am getting about 7 hours each night
quality of sleep...hmmm...maybe that's where the problem lies?
but...i do concuss...most of the time...
like *yawn* *lie on bed* *head hit pillow* *close eyes* *fall asleep*
perhaps the past few days...
i've had too much on my mind...?
sort of been lying on my bed and while my body is going to sleep
my brain continues to process alot of info...
sigh...
so as my eyes are drooping to an almost closed state right now...
i am wondering if i sleep at 8.42pm and wake up at 5.55am...
will i feel more awake??
i always have this theory that human beings are not meant to wake up before the sun...
so for the same number of sleeping hours...
waking up before sunrise means more exhaustion...
as proven by my experiment in melbourne...
i once slept at 10 and woke at 6 for clinics..and i feel like absolute crap...
then when it was theory block, i slept at 12 and woke at 8..
and i felt totally refreshed...
see...human beings are not meant to be woken up by the *di di di di* alarm...
we are meant to be woken up by the sun rays...
the nature way of telling us to get up and do work...
somehow i type until i getting more awake...haha...
mm...for an entry that wasn't supposed to be in at first...
i sure talk alot!
well..with so much stuff going through my head...
and so limited stuff that can be published on my blog...
i just end up typing all the stuff that i can publish to clear some space for the not-publishable
*YAWN!*
wah..eyes so dry...
maybe i should wear glasses to work tomorrow...
mm..hair still wet....cannot sleep...
i guess it's back to my usual night time entertainment...hongkie drama!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)