apologies and thanks for dreamy..
who stayed up last night to talk to me...
or rather..listen to me rant away on msn...
it was one of those days...
when all the feelings kept within are being brought out into the open...
hurt
anger
jealousy
helplessness
hopelessness
loneliness
just to name a few...
and she brought up a very important point..
my self-esteem is derived from attention...
when people pay me attention..
i feel like someone cares...and so, i feel appreciated..
thus..i feel happy...
but when there's a lack of attention..
or a sudden decrease in attention from someone who used to care...
my self-esteem decreases exponentially...
so when a weekend goes by where i was alone...
that was fine..
when 2 consecutive weekends were spent in front of the comp waiting for ppl to talk to...
the brave front i tried to put up just crumbled...
into the flowing tears i shed last night...
as dreamy pointed out the fact (once again)...
'to love someone else, u first have to love yourself'

in a way,
i really despise myself for being such a 'sucker' for attention...
i try to give myself all kinds of excuses for this behaviour...
but, it boils down to the fact that...
i really can't see how i can love myself...or even like myself to begin with...
i dunno when it happened...
or how it happened...
somehow along the way as i was growing up...
it became ingrained into my head...
i was 'unlovable'...
complimentary words were hardly used on me..
and i still have an autograph book for my NCC platoon-mates..
where 2 of my platoon mates penned down their dislike for me...
i wasn't sure what i did wrong back then...
looking back, those days were not my happy days...
and somehow...those were apparently the important days of one's life..
teenage years...obtaining self identity...self respect...self confidence...
perhaps back in those days...
i never did obtain any of those...
and so i end up where i am today...
incompetent at handling situations where i find myself alone and needing some form of company...

i'm glad i cried last night..
not full-blown-sob-my-eyes-out cry...
more of the tear-sliding-down-my-cheeks kind...
as i was typing away on my laptop...
at least today..
when i woke up with slightly swollen eyes and a sore throat..
i felt better...
sleepy, slightly sick but more in control of my own emotions...

though i know...
unless i find a way to convince myself that i deserve more credit than i am giving myself...
(by chanting 'i need to give myself some credit'?)
the cycle will repeat...
one day...
i will once again face with my own inability...
and once again lost...
for now...
i just wish to try and keep myself sane...
with the little pleasures i can afford...
showering myself with as much attention as i can give to myself..

gonna start salsa lessons next monday...
yes, salsa...
totally opposite to the kind of dance i used to do...
but...i have to start somewhere i guess...
besides...maybe dancing with a partner can help me to overcome..*ahem* something lah...
and maybe...
when i feel confident enough...
i might do jazz dance...
and once again be able to express myself through body movements...
and feel the joy of being able to move in one with the music...

maybe...one day...perhaps...
one can only hope...yeah?