argh...argh...argh!!!
tmr start work liaoz!!
ARGH!!!
and today is an absolutely boring day...
i woke up early (well...not very early lah...abt 7.45am)
to have breakfast with mummy and daddy...
and then, they left at like 9.20am for m'sia
and from the time they left till now...
i've achieved the following

1) checked my email
2) read xiaxue's blog...and i really mean READ cos i spent like 3 hours in front of my laptop scrolling through her entries...
3) talked to 5 friends on MSN
4) had lunch (curry chicken on leftover rice) while watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S. on my laptop
5) typing this entry on my blog

so basically, i've been reduced to my melbourne days..
when i spent hours in front of my comp
waiting for friends to pop in on MSN so i can have someone to talk to
and now talking to wing and alicia who are back in melb...
part of me wish that i AM back in melb...
esp after wing sent me a pic of a puppy/dog currently residing at my previous apt
the doggie is so CUTE!
i guess being 'abandoned' by my parents is making me feel damn sucky lah!!
no one to talk to verbally...
this is exactly like life in melb..
except for the fact that i have work tmr...
instead of clinics...

sighz...damn bored...
i want daddy mummy to be back!!
i need my social support!!
*sniffle*

exercise for the day: mop floor
which earned me a 'so guai' compliment from long-ge...
haha...if only my mum was around to see it..
she'll probably spend 1 hour citing examples of how not 'guai' i am..

well..this is probably the 'exercise for the month' considering that i am exercising at about 10% of what i do in melbourne...
then again...being on my feet all day...can that be considered as exercise?? *smirk*

just realised that my social circle has shrunk..to just my parents and almost no one else..
so much so that the thought of them going to malaysia tmr and leaving me all alone for 2 days in singapore is making me feel quite lonely...
argh..i am so Pathetic
oh well..enough self-pity for now...
besides..not as if i am that sociable to begin with anyway...
spend most of my freetime in melbourne in the apartment by myself anyway...haha
so i guess in a way..i am back to square one...
except that now i have nice queen size bed to nua on...
and a big big bolster to hug...
and dvds to keep me entertained...
oh, and did i mention the pile of new year goodies awaiting??

mm..istana open to public tmr...
and sentosa got some CNY flower exhibition...
want to go leh...anyone interested huh??
it is at times like this...
i wish to be more attractive so that guys will actually ask me to go out...
and not me having to ask if anyone (guys or gals) wanna go
*guaffaw*
tsk tsk...
but considering the only male in my teensyweensy social circle is my dad
(who will be accompanying the only female in my teensyweensy social circle to m'sia tmr)
no such chance liaoz lor

i think i better join some activity or class to get to know more people...
i am worried about my hermit status now...
of course...getting to meet more people isn't exactly my cup of tea either...
but i guess..sometimes just have to force myself out of my comfort zone
(i.e. away from parents and from my comfy bed+sofa)
mmm..dun like to socialise...
am i getting old......??

year of the dog...
it's 'my' year whoa..
and i realise
i've just announced to the whole cyberspace my age...haha
hmm...but apparently this year isn't smooth sailing for ppl like moi...
health, wealth and romance all have bleak outlook...
part of me dun wanna believe in it...
but the other part of me just wanna remember it so that if anything goes wrong..
i can blame it on the universe..
*ostrich strategy*

time for lunch...
i seem to be consuming food every 10 mins...
darn...exercise seems like a compulsory 'to do' on my list liaoz.

end off with this pic i 'stole' from my bro's blog...
our family's early reunion dinner



from left:my bro's gf, my bro, my dad, me and my mum

finally...long long weekend...
plus lotsa new year goodies...
plus ang bao money...
sounds like a good weekend eh??

yeah, i guess...
part of me is just a teensy bit apprehensive...
esp when my cousin just got married in dec...
the pressure is on...me and my brother..
more on my brother actually...
but he is somewhere in thailand...
whereas i have to bear with the 'whenrugoingtofindabf' or the 'urstillyoungdunworry' speeches coming my way...
sigh...
but i dun wanna exchange with my bro..haha
*evil*
because i missed CNY last year...
this year..
it's time to 'revenge' on my loss last year..
ba gua!! egg rolls!! hei bi hiam!! kueh bangkit!! more more more!!

muahahaha!!
i feel so piggy...
ah..the diet always start tomorrow..
so does the exercise regime i am trying to plan...
*smirk*
this weekend..
is makan makan makan...

for the time being though...
i need to catch up on some good sleep...
to get rid of my panda eyes..
and also in preparation for tmr's crowd at chinatown
where my parents and i have decided to go spend new year's eve at...
silly eh??
i guess so...
but sometimes..just gotta experience it once
then u will never ever want to try it again...

i like the way u hold my hand
as we strolled along the beach...feeling the surf break onto the golden sand
i like the way u tuck my hair behind my ear
and the way ur fingers linger on my cheek... for just a moment longer
i like the way u hug me from behind
sheltering me from the wind...reminding me of your strength

puffy clouds and gentle breeze...
the setting sun turning the water into a sea of sparkling jewels
darkness sets in...but i know no fear...
because i know u are there for me...
now...and maybe...forever...

twinkling stars and oh,
that relaxing sound of waves crashing...crashing...crashing...
as we leaned against each other, back to back...
our eyes are closed...
it's just the two of us in our world...
savouring the moment...of being with that someone special...

a flash of light...the stars faded...
music from the waves replaced by persistent ring-ring-ring...
i opened my eyes..disorientated
flashing lights persisted...ringing sounds continues
i look around and gone were the beach...the stars...
and u...were gone as well...

reality sets in...
and so does a deep sense of loneliness...
i long to be with u again...
yet i know...now that i am awake...
i can only find u in my dreams...
and never in reality.

chanced upon this 'sexy name decoder' when i visited germ's blog...
so in my moment of sheer boredom after watching a manual handling video...
i decided to find out what my 'sexy name' is...




hmmm..interesting eh?? goddess whoa! muahahaha!
sheer boredom persisted..so i thought, why not try another name??




bwahaha!! OMG! i am intensely tickled by the 'seductress' bit. i would never ever expect that word to be used on moi...

okie, enough playing around. got more reading to do in preparation for my 'manual handling test' tomorrow. can't believe i still got tests to do leh! wah kaoz!!!
CNY is like 4 days away..and i still haven't gotten a decent set of clothes to go 拜年. jialat...
suddenly wishing for a pair of cutesey shoes...
those kind with a little bow on it...those kinds which wing wears *grinz*
but unfortunately...
i am 'endowed' with large, wide feet...
and chubby ankles...
so dun think those shoes will look too good on moi...

sighz...
gotta find time to go shopping one day after work...
maybe friday?
dunno lah...
only know that i can barely keep my eyes open...
*yawn*

'to love someone else, u have to first love yourself'

i've heard of this so many times...
which so many people have told me 'IT'S TRUE!'
and so, i've come to the conclusion that...
i probably can never love someone else...
because i have trouble loving myself...

that is..if loving myself means being able to look at my reflection in the mirror and feel that i am 'emanating' beauty from within.

*bleah* just typing those words out make me wanna puke my guts out.

and so...
i probably can conclude that in this life...
by the time i learn how to love myself...
i'll be a demented old lady living in a nursing home...
and so...dementia would allow me to forget who i am...
and thus, i can love myself..and probably everyone else...

darn...
i am in my 'lookingatcouplesmakemyheartache' mood...
sighz...love mysef love myself...
how to love myself when all i want is to bury myself in a hole...
crap...
i think i need sleep...
and i think...
i need a paper bag to put over my head when i go out.

weekend!
started off with early reunion dinner with daddy, mummy, brother and bro's gf.
then, work today...
the whole time keeping my fingers crossed that the 3 pagers i am carrying will not ring too often
then, after work..
come home...
decided to fulfil my role as a filial daughter..
so i cleaned both toilets.
till they are sparkling...
(and now my arms and legs are aching...)
i've forgotten how cleaning can give such a good workout...
whole body...and also cardiovascular...
and as saturday draws to an end...
my family decided to bid farewell to my brother with a game of mahjong
(which unluckily i lost most of the sets..sighz...)
why farewell to my bro?
cos he is going off to thailand for a month...
he's gonna miss cny...sadness...
although i dun say it in front of him..
i know i will miss his presence in the house...

sunday tmr...meeting friends for lunch...
then need to get lotsa rest...
for another week of work work work...
weekends are no longer long enough...
sleeping till dawn is a luxury...
the whole reality of my life is warped...
longing for a lazy weekend...
just sit, read and slack...
maybe if i want it enough, i may get it someday...

oh welll...one can only hope...

there's something about working that's making me blog almost everyday...
maybe cos i have alot to complain about...
or maybe because...
this is the only i can actually let my friends know what's happening in my life.

pleasant surprises today...

pager did not ring..woo hoo!! for those who doesn't know, a physio gets paged when there're new patients to see...and new patients HAVE to be seen. they are like the top of the top of all priorities. so pager didn't ring..therefore i dun have to pia around like a mad woman. hehe...

met a JC friend in one of the wards today. haven't talked to or seen him since..ermm..getting my A's results i think. that's like 5 years ago..OMG. anyway, it was one of those 'happen to walk to the same table, see each other and go "EEEHHHH!!!"' situations. haha...quite funny actually, both of us standing there and chatting away. hee...so nice to catch up with old friends...also met a friend from melbourne today...and also 2 friends from melbourne couple of days ago. all these med students...i think the chances of me working alongside one of them is very high. heehee...

*sniff sniff* *stomach rumble rumble*
ooh..mummy cooked fried rice!! yay..makan time...haha!!
argh...2 more days of work...sighz....

blogging for the first time in the physio office...
with my mentor sitting right next to me...

broke down in the physio office yesterday...
so so so MALU...so so so PAISEH..
sighz...
then everyone come and ask me if i am okie..
and today..my mentor took me aside..
sat me down..
and talked to me...
and then...crybaby gretel cry again..
not full-on CRY..just the tearwellupandslidedownthecheeks kind...

but right now...i feel better...
cos today..the patient load was manageable...
sure, i had to stay back abit later to finish the patients..
but at least, i finished them...no need to pass to someone else...
unlike yesterday...
right now, i am chatting with the physios...
talking about marriage, ex boyfriends and 'potential candidates' in the physio departments..
and also about bunnies and hamsters...
life feels better today...
and hopefully, it'll feel better with each day...

at least...
the physio dept is fun...
people joke..people care...people actually listen...
got the boisterous type..the quiet type...the comical type...and the caring type...

and before i forget...
Happy Bday to JC!!!
haha...not as if he will ever read this blog...

meeting germ for dinner later...
feels weird that the 'fourth years' are gonna be gone soon...
and feels weird that i am calling them 'fourth years' now...
feels even weirder that i actually AM a physio...

6 years of trying to meet the stats..
boy does my life look boring or what?
my social life is just gonna disappear into nothingness...
sighz...

hectic hectic hectic...
yet today, i din even hit the quota
but i feel like if i have to stand or walk in the next 5 mins,
my legs will give way...

i dun like feeling so stressed up..
was on the verge of tears this morning...
as i was writing out the list of patients to see...
and on the verge of tears for most of the day...
even right now...
i feel like if i just let go of all control...
i can burst out crying...
that's me...
stress = cry
angry = cry
sad = cry
sick = cry
everything also cry...sighz...

it's a feeling of incompetency...
not the first time i felt it...
during clinics, this kind of feeling hits u very often..
now as a supposedly fully qualified physio..
i still feel so incompetent...
and i am getting all freaked out about all those competency tests...
i dun think i am up to it..
i think i am a lousy physio..and i am a failed physio...
i feel blue..
i want a big big hug...
i need someone to hold me and tell me that i am not useless..

but all i can do...
is to hold back the tears and pretend to be brave and strong
for the sake of my patients...

tears...are for later...
for the time when i lie in bed and worry about tomorrow...
for the time when i hover between reality and dream...
for the time when i am all alone and allowed to show the vulnerable side of me...

一种莫名的思念，
在心里开始萌芽。
思念着一种呵护，思念着一种温馨，
思念着回忆中开始退色的甜蜜。

《倒带》里一句：“从前甜蜜在倒带，只是感觉已经不在”
或许是那莫名的思念里最深刻的感觉。
放弃了的感情，放弃了的过去，
成了一种阴影，无所不在。
可是，我似乎是无法摆脱过去的种种。
觉得自己就是陷在里面，
不断看见过去的一幕幕，
但心里，依然无动于衷。

“笑着哭，最痛。”
自己掩饰了好多好多，但还说不上是强颜欢笑。
好像哭是在示弱，所以一直告诉自己不可以哭。
但那种从心里笑出来的声音，
一去不复还。
空洞的笑声里，藏着内心的泪水。
流着泪的面孔，只留给一个人的时候。

一种莫名的思念，
思念的是一个人？还是一种境界？
一种莫名的悲伤，
为了一个人？还是为了那已结束了的缘份？

走不出的忧虑，赶不走的忧郁。
裹足不前，害怕再受伤害。
我只想要自己心里能够平静，
摆脱这一份莫名的思念。

i think the worse thing that can happen on the ward on a friday..
is at 5pm
someone comes around and tell u that a patient needs caregiver training (CGT)
and oh yeah, the patient is going home tomorrow i.e. saturday...
which means i better b***** h*** stay on and do CGT.
thus...
i reach home at like 7+pm...
and i am tired..
and sticky...
and hungry...
and damn very sleepy!!!!
argh...
weekend is too short..
only 2 days...
worse still..
next sat i gotta work...
KAOZ!

okie..complain finish liaoz...
so..wat's my plan for the first weekend since i started work?
1) go shopping....
2) wash toilet (spring cleaning lor)
3) treat myself to something yummy....takopachi or ice cream sounds yum...
4) watch narnia with shuli-san
5) read my notes...
6) read orientation guide...
7) read a trashy novel
8) sleep in (meaning waking up when the sun is up)

wah..quite a packed weekend wor.
also dunno how many of these i can actually achieve...
mm...mummy watching tv instead of saying 'chi fan le!!'
sighz...
shower time...
and then makan time...
and then..slackinfrontoftvtime
lastly...
OR-OR time!!!

i took 5 hours to see 5 patients today...
i'm worse than a 3rd year physio....
crap.
the singapore system is so different from melbourne...
abbreviations is so limited here...i am writing notes in almost full sentences...
SOOB, Co, sp, p/o, b/s, WBAT, LL etc...
all CANNOT use.
kaoz...
so in the end, instead of writing 'pt returned to SOOB' or 'Amb with W/F, WBAT'
i have to write 'pt returned to sitting out of bed' and 'Amb with W/F, WB as tolerated'
that's precious time wasted...
just because the docs cannot bother to learn a few more abbreviations.
...and the docs at my wards aren't even cute...
if they are eye candies, at least can give them abit of bonus points...
oh well...
i guess i'll just have to get used to it...sighz...
well..at least there are some cuter ones i managed to glance at when i go and buy my lunch
and a not-bad one at the ICU i've been assigned too...
MUAHAHA!!!
but according to my mentor/team leader/snr physio...
who is married to a doc...
she say it's not a good idea to marry a doc...
though she din really elaborate on the reasons...
part of me do agree marrying a doc is not a good idea...
heee...though i must admit marrying a doc is like a childhood dream...
one which the inner child in me is still holding on to...

okie...too late for day dreams...
got reading up to do...
better do something to improve my suctioning skills...
today totally screwed up...sighz....
hopefully tomorrow is a better day...
and hopefully...the weekend will give me the much needed time to flip through my notes...
and catch up on some sleep...(if my mummy will not wake me up early to go and eat breakfast)

mummy cooked yummy winter melon soup
*MMMMMMMmmmmmmm*
rain continues to fall on 'sunny island set in the sea'
as i sit here and wonder what i achieved in my first day as a physio...

almost nothing...

except for the LARGE amt of orientation info received...
the folder is amazingly thick..
with amazingly huge collection of info...
that is amazingly NOT useful for the time being...

tmr going to start seeing patients...
freaking out!!!!
i still have no confidence whatsoever
i just wish things go smoothly for this week...
have to go shopping this weekend...
or else have to raid mummy's wardrobe for working clothes to wear...

boss told me today that i have to work on sat next week...
and somewhere along the way...
i'll have to work on sunday/public hols..
and for the week following that sunday..
i'll be on-call!!!
as in i can get paged in the middle of the night...
and i'll have to make my way down to TTSH
KAOZ!
i thot only docs have to suffer this kind of fate...
one of the reasons why i did NOT want to do medicine...
and yet...
i also need to face the same thing...
*faint*

sighz...oh well...
working life is definitely very different to uni life...
suddenly i miss those melb uni days...
when weekends are weekends...
and weekdays can become weekends too...

huge pile of reading to do...
stress....freak...concuss!!

just met up with wing, long-ge and alicia...
wing and alicia starting to feel stress about 4th year...
and also starting to feel sad about going back to melbourne...
for me...
looking at them as an outsider...
as someone who's been through it before...
i can fully empathise with them...
but i was evil...
i said the one line that i hated hearing for the whole of fourth year...
and of course, i can sense their displeasure when i said it...
(sorrie gals...)
because we all know...
that time doesn't really fly...
everyday is the same 24 hours...
and time only will only 'fly' when u are having fun...
time only flew when u look back at what had happened...
looking ahead...the road is always long and tedious...
yet looking back, u would wonder where did all those ups and downs went?

perhaps because i've gone through it before...
i know how time will feel like it has flown at the end of the year...
when one will wonder where did the 4 years had gone?
just like right now..
i am wondering...
where did all the knowledge i've accumulated in 4 years go to??
maybe they got frozen and dropped out of my head in europe...
i am so NOT looking forward to work tomorrow...
to be totally honest...
i am not confident about being a physiotherapist...
i am worried...very very worried...
that i am going to be a bad physio

sigh...
suddenly...
going back to melbourne...
sounds like a fantastic idea to me...
instead of sitting here and wondering...
if i am going to be a failed physiotherapist...

it's like a head full of cotton wool...
all fuzzy and blurry and tickly...
and it's like being constantly on a boat in a rough sea...
all swaying and tilting and spinning..
yes..
i am JET LAGGED!!
very very jet lagged...
because i couldn't catch more than 2 hours sleep on the planes...

man, danish people...
old danish people in particular
can drink ALOT...on a plane..
and talk ALOT...on a plane...
and walk about ALOT on a plane...
thus disrupting precious sleeping time for people like MOI
arghh...
and i am desperately trying to stay awake so that i can tune my body back to singapore time...
it's 4.38pm...but my body is registering it as 9.38am
and it is also registering that i have deprive it of rest and comfort for at least 12.5hours

daddy called canon repair shop...
repair of camera gonna cost SGD180!!!
and daddy said,"girl, it's a bday present u know?"
oooh...the pressure to get it repaired is already bad enough...
without that line from daddy...
i feel bad...i feel damn bloody hell guilty...
it's my bday present...
and it's one especially for my europe trip..
and i have to go drop it!
ARGH!!!
i feel like hitting myself on the head...
except i dun think a headache would make my jetlaggedness better...

need to tahan for at least 5 more hours...
then it's bed time...
room is in a HUGE mess...
starting work in 2 days time...
OMG...
my life is so disorganised...

part of me wish that i am still on hols...
another part of me just wish that the room would stop spinning and tilting...

i dun like being jet lagged...