sorry germaine!!this is what 5 consecutive days of endless mugging does to my brain.
but i do understand how important the ring is to you. and i hope you'll find it soon. well...try and look on the bright side. if you can't find it, maybe this time round, he can get one that actually fits nicely on your finger...and not one that would fall off while you are washing rice *winkz*
from studying
longing for a 
wish i can have a 
attitude and just 
i am going 
and i really need to 
on the bright side,in 8 days i'll be 
but right now, it's back to 
my body has finally succumbed to the bugs flying about during spring. my nose is drippy, my throat is sore, my head is throbbing...and my forehead is burning.
my bed is calling out to me,"come Gretel...lie on me, fall asleep...come on..."
but my books on my table are a constant reminder that i have only 9 days left to my first exam.
sleep is the last thing i can afford right now. what lies ahead is 9 whole days of chao4 muggging (aka intense studying)...
gathering up whatever energy left in me, i managed to make my way to my laptop..connect to the internet and type this entry.
ok,i need a break....and 2 panadols to keep the fever away. i'll take an hour's break...cook lunch,eat lunch,take panadols...then i'll hit the books.
oh,how i long for a hug from han wei. *cough cough* sniff sniff* moan moan*
a)ignore it.probably nothing serious anyway.
b)send her/him an sms so she/he wouldn't worry.
c)call her/him back as soon as possible.
ok,my answer would be b or c.and next quick question, am i crazy for thinking that's what my bf should have done when he din pick up my call last night?
now now,before you jump to his defence...i am not kicking a big fuss cos he din pick up my call. he was busy. fine, so be it. but is it too much to ask for if i was expecting him to call me back? ok,maybe he thinks it's already pretty late over here and he din wanna wake me up from dreamland...but how about an sms which i can read in the morning??
and somehow,he managed to find secret option
(d)wait for bf/gf to call/sms again then reply.
so i sms-ed him in the morning, saying that he din answer my call and i am abit worried.
about an hour later, i got his reply "...i am fine. don't be so paranoid. i was very busy last night."
OUCH so i guess in this day and age, being concerned for the person i love is equivalent to being paranoid.i must be too old and out-dated to keep up with all these new definitions.
and to think the reason i called him last night was to tell him that i've changed my flight to an earlier date.the supposedly good news has resulted in my broken heart and very bruised ego.
i am still in shock..and in pain...and angry...and fustrated. i just wanna crawl into a hole and hide,so i'll never have to face any guys ever again.
if men are from mars and women are from venus...i think i am from pluto...cos i dun understand either men or women.
right now,i cannot remember why i was happy...or why i even wanted to move out in the first place.
and this is exactly why i am not an optimist.i hate the feeling of being happy and on the top of the world...only to be struck down and drop to the deepest level of hell in the next moment.
i hate being disappointed like that. and i hate that moving out is becoming such a nuisance. suddenly,staying alone seems a million times more appealing.
now i fully understand the song by The Beatles...
Yesterday,all my troubles seem so far away.
Now it seems that they are here to stay
Oh,i believe in yesterday.
lesson learnt:NEVER GET MY HOPES UP.NEVER BE OPTIMISTIC.
so to all the optimist out there,i really admire your ability to actually face all the disappointments thrown into ur face and still believe something good would happen.
the little silver lining on the gigantic grey cloud:i am flying home on 5 Nov!! yippee!! 2 more weeks and i can temporarily say goodbye to this sucky place.
and hopefully things would have been all sorted out by then. sighz
HOME SWEET HOME
going to change my flight tomorrow if i pass my placement.hopefully since i am planning to fly in the middle of everyone else's exams,there would be a seat for me homeward bound on 5 Nov. *fingers and toes crossed*
today's a great day.accoms for me and germaine finally has some form of confirmation.weather is sunny and warm.i enjoyed gelati with germaine.
i love eating gelati with someone.and because i've resisted the temptation for so long, the cold creamy snack just taste extrememly satisfying...and makes me feel wonderful
only thing that spoils the day is the pimple outbreak on my face...probably from deprived sleep and high stress of the past few days, worrying about accoms.
but other than my very ugly face (well,doesn't make my difference cos i am not pretty to start with),i am glad that tomorrow's the end of my third school year.
and i am one day closer to stepping onto Singapore soil
i am actually smiling, and it's the kind of smile which comes from the heart.
now that's a rare finding these days.
and then, there are people like me who spend too much quality time with myself...but strangely enough, the tinge of loneliness over this weekend seem to be more bearable. well,probably because the day to board that flight back home is starting to seem reachable.
but i've kinda enjoyed spending time with myself these few days. going to town myself, going to bodypump and bodystep myself and cooking meals just for myself. it's all just about me. i dun have to worry about meeting anyone, about whether the food taste horrible cos i am the only one eating it, about wasting other people's time while i contemplate whether to buy a spag top or not.
it's been kinda fun. but,i do miss having company at times. especially at night when i am having dinner alone and wish someone is here to talk to me. or when i am watching TV and wish someone is there to laugh with me.
well,hard to believe that this day would come when i can actually say i enjoy being by myself. after 3 years of complaining of homesickness and lovesickness, of grumbling and groaning and moaning about being all by myself, i've actually reached a stage of being able to appreciate the good side of being by myself.
either i'm growing up...or i am desensitised to the sense of loneliness.
or maybe,i am just in denial. whatever. time to hit the books again :<
today, it hit me that i only one more week in cardio, 2 more weeks from exams.
and over the past couple of days,i started to pack my stuff, in preparation to cut down the amount of time i'll be spending post exams to pack and clean the apt.
and it feels really good to start seeing stuff being put away..cupboards becoming emptier. but a sense of nostalgia starts to surround me too. when i start taking some stuff down from my pin board, and as it starts to look 'naked' without all the usual junk i put on it, i feel something tug at my heart
that's when i know that although everyone else thinks CS sucks (actually,i think so too :D) this would always be a special place to me. 10 yrs down the road, if CS is still here and if i do return to melb for some reason, when i see this place that had me scrimping and saving for the past 3 years and had me hopping mad at their lousy administration and phonelines, i know that i would smile and be only reminded of the happiest times i had here in melb.
and if things go well,when i board that plane to go back home in 3 weeks time,i'd be dreading the day when i return to melbourne to vacate this apt. my 2nd fav apt (my fav is 7S11,which i shared with peiling) out of the 'dunno how many' apts i've lived in here. best thing abt this apt is the fantastic view. which i dun think i am going to get next year. apts with good views in the city is simply way out of my budget.
but germaine's company would make up for the view (hopefully :P) and the one thing i look forward to most is the fact that next year is my LAST year here!
but,still got one week of clinic, swot vac and then exams. if i can get a flight home on 5 nov, it's 22 days to home sweet home. ahh..i can almost taste the roti prata and char kuay teow...almost feel han wei's hug...almost hear my mum's incessant nagging...can almost see changi airport control tower.
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can't wait to get home!!
If not for my friends who are doctors-to-be,i would seriously want to personally strangle every single *&*$#(*)(*(#$@#@$^&^%&(&$ docs and docs-to-be
who do they think they are huh? just come in one huge group for ward round in the middle of my physio assessment and treatment and expect to just walk away?
excuse me, i think seeing the patients is on a first come first served basis.
and also,i am a PHYSIO STUDENT. i may not know alot,but i do know that i deserve a certain amount of respect like saying "thank you" when i help you sit a patient out of bed...or saying "sorry" when you bump into me (probably cos their eyes are on top of their head and they can't see where they are going), and how about asking me who i am rather than assuming i am the auntie who serve patients tea and cookies?
of course,there are nice docs out there..but so far, every single doc i've met just pisses the hell out of me. (pardon my language...)
so to all docs-to-be out there,pls spare a thought for the other healthcare staff kiez?? we all studied hard and although we do follow doc orders, sometimes,it is just not appropriate to think that cos you are a MD means you are the king of the world.
1st thot that jump into my head:yayy!!han wei calling me!!
so you can imagine how disoriented i am when a female voice answered and said,"Gretel! come down now can?" i was like HUH?!? NOW?!? i am in my sleeping clothes for goodness sake!!
took me about 10 secs to realise it was Esther,not my other half, calling me. Disappointment tasted bitter in my freshly brushed mouth. but still,i was surprised to know she wants me to go down. i mean,isn't it abit too early to spring a surprise bday thingie for me? (yesh yesh,i very thick-skinned *blush*)
then she explained the 2nd year are throwing a surprise bday thingie for Fangnian(a.k.a. Tony...the tiger) at Wing Ki's place. ahh..making abit of sense in my already fuzzy mind. so i changed into my "going out" clothes at neck-breaking speed, got whisked off by Esther to pick up Gin,Alicia and Wing Ki (dun ask me why wing ki is at esther's place instead of at her own place where the party should be..) and then before i can say "huh?", i arrived at wing ki's place and surrounded by these girls which make me feel about a century old.
they were HYPERACTIVE...got into a frenzy of massaging and trying to find where quadratus lumborum is while waiting for the bday boy to arrive.
and Fangnian was late...by 45 mins! spoil all the fun and surprise...grrr
so we sang bday song,eat cake and watch fangnian get drunk on vodka. He is super funny when he is drunk. i laughed till my jaws were aching.
finally,i arrived back at my apt at 3.15am.my brain is protesting by giving me a huge throbbing headache. i slipped back into my sleeping clothes,under my quilt and wait for sleep to come.
but strangely enough,sleep did not come as soon as i thot.i lay there,fresh memories of the fun everyone had at wing ki's place flashing before my eyes. and then,for no reason,i started crying.
yeah,i laughed. yeah,i kinda had fun. and yeah,i guess i should be happy to be part of a gathering. but there's a part of me that really aches...aching from missing the fun i used to have with the CS gang. throwing surprise bday bashes...playing Hearts till sun rise.
those were the days, and those days would never return. they would just be happy memories i hold dear in my heart. memories that would cause me pain at times,but can still put a smile on my face.
as i lay there,tears streaming down and wetting my pillow,hugging Odie tight and letting the sobs wreck my body...i silently say to my CS kakis in europe now...
I miss you. pls come back soon.
why is this the word of the day?
because i am doing my case presentation on a patient with multiple sclerosis,which is a neuromuscular disease that can affect respiratory muscles and thus impair coughing to remove sputum. and my supervisor introduced this machine called cough in-exsufflator.
and i have no idea what insufflation means, due to my very limited vocabulary. so i went to Google to find out and got the following definition...
insufflation (noun):(medical)blowing air or medicated powder into the lungs (or into some other body cavity)
ahh..so basically it's a fancy word for blowing. cheyyy!
but i am very curious to the final bit in brackets "into some other body cavity". Ewwww!! why would one blow air/powder into another body cavity?!?!my appetite for dinner is officially gone.
anyway,i decided to find out how exsufflation is defined..and got the following...
exsufflation:strongly forced expiration of air from the lungs.
yeah,matches up with the machine used on my patient. one moment it blows air into my patient's mouth...and then the next,it sucks air out to help with coughing. traumatic eh?? *wince*
hope someone else learn 2 new words today too. :> and i hope everyone else is now thankful that most of us can cough effectively. after seeing so many patients with coughing difficulty,i really appreciate that my abs and diaphragm are working fine.
the moment i finished reading the sms,my heart jumped out of my mouth,landed on the floor and hopped its way back to college square.
i freaked out.absolutely freaked out.so i ran to the nearest public phone in the hospital and called him...but his phone was off!!! so i had no choice but to take the bus back to CS, all the while my mind is processing all the possible bad things that can happen which he would label as urgent.
got back to college square,but my heart refuse to return into my chest.so i numbly went through showering and cooking dinner. all the while,my heart was pumping harder than when i ran on the treadmill or during bodystep.
then i realised the only thing i can do is to leave him an sms.fortunately,he called almost instantly i sent the sms. and thankfully,his urgent matter was to confirm my dates of departure and arrival for my flight next year. PHEW!
my heart finally hopped back into my chest.and i seriously dunno whether to be relieved or angry or whatever. what i know is,i love him that much to freak out over a simple sms.*blush blush*
and it's not the first time i freak out.there were times when i call him like millions of times and he doesn't pick up..and i'll be wondering what is happening. or times when i leave him messages and he doesn't reply, and i just get all nervous and worried.
yeah,i am probably too much of a drama-queen. but he is so important to me,just the thought of something bad may had happen is enough to send adrenaline rushing through my blood and raise my heart rate to almost lethal levels.
so i guess that's love. when someone means so much that every little thing about that person creates gigantic ripples in your life.
and although the 2+ hours were hard to get by today,i am grinning like an idiot to myself now after knowing that he is fine and well.
han wei,i miss you and as the S.H.E. songs goes,
"love you, love you, yes i love you, ni ting jian le ma.
zhe shi wo di yi qian bian, di yi wan bian xin li de hui da."
i really think too much.my brain is too active...i can't stop thinking.there doesn't seem to be a time which my brain is not working.
if i am studying,that's quite alright.i need my brain to work.
but when i really want to relax,like just before i go to sleep,the millions and zillions of thoughts flying at lightning speed through my head is causing me precious sleep. i am sleep deprived cos my brain works too much :"<
everything in moderation. that's a principle i try to follow these days. when it comes to food,exercise,studying,fun etc,i can moderate it well. but when it comes to stopping my hyperactive brain from working,i am at a loss.
and besides the sleep deprivation,i've been getting regular headaches that last almost the whole day.i feel tired and lousy all the time.it's as if the 'stop' button in my head is malfunctioning.
suddenly remember the final scene from the movie "Speed",when the train in the subway cannot stop cos the controls are damaged. then in the end keanu reeves and sandra bullock crashed the train out of the subway and onto the pavement before the train came to a stop.
is that what's gonna happen to my brain?if i really can't stop thinking,does that mean one day,i would just crash to a stop?
han wei always tell me i think too much.germaine says the same. and i know i think too much. but neither of them can tell me how to stop thinking too much.i wish i know.i will myself to stop thinking,only to end up thinking more...in the end,i seek shelter in my lecture notes.
might as well put my crazy brain to more constructive usage instead of wondering what's han wei doing..or why germaine never ask me to meet her and JS...or whether i'd been happier if i had gone on the dandenong trip...or how to stop myself from feeling down and left out...or am i lousy friend...or does anyone actually remember i exists...blah blah blah
but there's only so much lecture notes i can read.get sick of studying too.
my eyes are dry and tired.i need to sleep. and yet i know,the moment i snuggle below my quilt,my brain would kick in to make me feel fully awake again.
i need a brain transplant. i'd rather i am stupid and has poor memory than to have this crazy overactive brain that is killing me alive by depriving me of rest and sleep.
what's the point of having a good memory and remembering so many tiny details? i can't even enjoy the most simple luxury any human being can afford:a good night's sleep.
