suddenly have a overwhelming need to scream at somebody...
not just anybody...
somebody

vaguely remembered a friend told me that a person doesn't grow up except in adversities
therefore a person with a rather smooth sailing life just wouldn't get it
until the sky opens up and dumps a whole load of crap on the unsuspecting soul
then after dealing with the 'why me? why now?' and getting through the mess...
and eventually coming out alive and becoming more mature --> growing up

i'm sure we all had those moments of crap raining into our lives...
some have more..some have less..
some is like a frontal rain...light but long-lasting
some is like a thunderstorm...lightning flashes, thunder claps, torrential rain and then calmness resumes
so, in some points of our lives, we grow up.
or at least, i hope i did grow up...

which is why i am fighting this need to scream at somebody to GROW UP!
i mean, a screaming lunatic doesn't exactly portray the 'grown-up' image right?
so, it's more like a silent scream...
with alot of audible sighing
and head shaking..

i feel like a pressure cooker that is over-pressurized...
wonder who's gonna be the unluckly victim when i depressurized...

~in the red zone~

when others seem too 'busy' to even care how you feel,
it's time to stop feeling..
be it anger, frustration, betrayal, irritation etc etc etc...
or even positive feelings like happiness, relief, joy etc etc etc...
because others do not care...
there isn't a point in feeling such emotions anymore...

to them, what you feel is the least important thing on their list...
you can be raving mad or giddy with happiness,
they don't have the time nor energy to calm you down or share your joy...

the trouble with trust..is that it's too elusive..
i always believe that first step to gaining my trust, is to make good of your words...
if you have gone back on your words once or twice, that's human nature..
but when it becomes a habit, don't ever count on me trusting you.

i've lost faith in many of my 'best' friends...
because in times of need, they were always 'too busy'

like i am always so free...

the more crap you put up with, the more you're going to get.

This is one Murphy's law I should engrave in my head...
because I am sick of being the one taking all the crap, just because i've prioritised things in life differently...

maybe i cannot stop caring...
but i can learn to stop feeling left out and unwanted
and stop placing my hopes that one day...
one fine day...
they will turn around and realise i've been waiting for them to notice my needs.

~disillusioned with friends...again~

你们都要保护自己，是不是？
在不惜别人的痛与恨，只要自己自在地翱翔在你们的天空里，就行了吗？

我自认不是一个拿得起、放得下的人。
你们呢？
真的做到了吗？
如果做到了，那为何还是希望一些人在身边，一些人滚到远远的？

你们都要走，要离开，要不顾一切，要不带走一片云彩，是不是？
你们有没有想过，
以为没有带走云彩，却把别人的天空撕烂了？
你们不顾一切，转身就走，
可想过你身后所留下的，也许是一颗颗滴着血的心？

我恨我自己，为了你们而难过、失望。
搞到自己胃痛、心痛，你们还是一样。
我恨我自己，为什么要去在乎？

我更恨我自己，在这么义愤填膺、怒发冲冠的时刻，还在为你们的行为找借口。

对，我不恨你们。
也许很无奈，很委屈，很气愤，很不爽，很想对着你们大骂...甚至会很讨厌...
但对你们，我没有恨，只有一股怨气。

所以，我恨我自己。
以为我知道，
到最后，我还是那个傻傻被骗、被耍、被遗留的。

我的天空，你们都想要占一个空间。
我的世界，你们都想要有一席之地。
你们要的，我给了。
结果，在一个满目疮痍的天地里，我看着你们离去的背影。

我很笨，我不会保护自己。
我很蠢，学不会潇洒离去。
我很傻，总不会保留感情。

就算我真的转身离去，你们也只会耸一耸肩，继续着自己的生活。
可是，我却办不到。

我讨厌这样的自己。