Recently, been feeling very unhappy.
No longer just 'not happy', but truly UN-happy.

Alot of things have happened...
Many of which I find myself unable to ventilate to anyone without breaking down into tears...
And many of which I find myself attributing it to being oversensitive...

Have received many forms of feedback from the few whom I have ventilated to...
One said that it's 'expected'
One said that 'it'll be settled'
One said that the problem is myself
One pat me on the back and remained silent...
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Doc's appointment on 16 Dec 2010...
I am to be excused from lifting, weightbearng, BCLS and limit lifting to 5kg
In a way, it was what I expected the doc to say...
A ligamentous injury that has been repaired do take time to gain back its strength, especially in a joint that relies on passive stability which is already compromised...
Yet deep inside, while I did feel a small sigh of relief that I am making progress...
A little twinge tells me that maybe,  my career as a practising PT is drawing to an end...
A few seniors try to guide me and counsel me, thinking out of the box and think of other things I can do as a PT...they make known the fact that the 'dream' I had when I first started work is no longer possible...
It is a sense of loss which I am not sure anyone can understand..
and perhaps cos of my stubborn nature, I refuse to acknowledge that I will no longer be able to 'do good' in a hands-on manner...
I've grieved over this loss for months...and I've accepted part of it...
Yet, this other part...of being 'forced' to do something which is not my first choice, it really really hurts.
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Noone said planning for a wedding is easy...
In fact, I've heard of couples who break-up because the planning process throws light onto certain issues which would not have arised if they are not engaged...
Perhaps, like what one of my friends said, I am too idealistic.
I had a 'vision' of what my wedding can be like...
And I thought that I can live with the compromises I've made since my 'vision' is indeed, just a dream.

But too much is too much...
To them, perhaps it's what they wanted and even what they needed...
To me, it's just unnecessary to put up a show which no one will remember in the end...
Never been one to 'look on the bright side', I find myself trapped in the dark realms of anger and guilt.
Everyday, I tell myself to try and let go a little bit more of the anger...
and everyday, I find myself welling up with tears
(and gastric juices that is causing the worst gastritis attack I've had)

Indeed, a marriage isn't just about the bride and groom..
It's supposed to be the union of two families...
And such a union brings about the need for compromise from every involved party...
But how much of a compromise is too much?
Obviously they feel I can give in more, and I feel that I've reached my limit...

And what good examples of 'family union' do I have as a guide?
I've seen friends and relatives who get married, yet the families remain starkly apart...
It skews either to the male side, or to the female side...
Being on one side previously, naive thoughts tell me that more can be done to bring them closer...
Being on both sides now, I find myself drawing more and more lines which I tell myself I cannot cross...
Until now, I am trapped within a web of morals that noone can see, and everyone just wants a part of me.
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L.O.V.E.
It's supposed to solve problems, heal broken hearts.
Yet, is it not the same L.O.V.E. that create more problems and break more hearts?

F.A.I.T.H.
It's supposed to bridge gaps and bring about closer bonds.
Yet, the same F.A.I.T.H. often leads to disappointment, and more often than not, disillusionment.

~hurt, disappointed and very disillusioned~

老妈说：忍一时，风平浪静。

或许因为我的容忍度，还是没有到达最高境界，
所以忍啊忍的，这两天脾气就一发不可收拾了。
因为忍啊忍，本来受到控制的胃病，也一发不可收拾了。

痛、胀、不舒服。
胃口又离我而去了。
而那口气，一直哽在喉咙，不上不下。
我快要窒息了！

老妈说：脾气要改啦，不要让自己以后的日子难过。

委屈，说不清楚的委屈，让我现在已经很难过了。
以后，我还敢想以后吗？
想要静一静，真的那么难吗？

老妈说：决定了，就不要再去想。不用给自己那么多压力。

谁会去讨莫名其妙的压力来烦自己？
也许执著是我的致命伤，可是如果我能做到不要想就不想，那么我是不是就成佛了？
给我时间考虑，给我空间思考，给我机会不执著，好吗？

老妈说的，我都听得懂。
可是我无法一味地退让。
忍耐，是有限度的。
我的身体已经负荷不了一再地忍让，
是不是我一定要完全倒下，你们才可以放过我？

~无奈、无助，可是不能无所谓~