Recently, been feeling very unhappy.
No longer just 'not happy', but truly UN-happy.

Alot of things have happened...
Many of which I find myself unable to ventilate to anyone without breaking down into tears...
And many of which I find myself attributing it to being oversensitive...

Have received many forms of feedback from the few whom I have ventilated to...
One said that it's 'expected'
One said that 'it'll be settled'
One said that the problem is myself
One pat me on the back and remained silent...
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Doc's appointment on 16 Dec 2010...
I am to be excused from lifting, weightbearng, BCLS and limit lifting to 5kg
In a way, it was what I expected the doc to say...
A ligamentous injury that has been repaired do take time to gain back its strength, especially in a joint that relies on passive stability which is already compromised...
Yet deep inside, while I did feel a small sigh of relief that I am making progress...
A little twinge tells me that maybe,  my career as a practising PT is drawing to an end...
A few seniors try to guide me and counsel me, thinking out of the box and think of other things I can do as a PT...they make known the fact that the 'dream' I had when I first started work is no longer possible...
It is a sense of loss which I am not sure anyone can understand..
and perhaps cos of my stubborn nature, I refuse to acknowledge that I will no longer be able to 'do good' in a hands-on manner...
I've grieved over this loss for months...and I've accepted part of it...
Yet, this other part...of being 'forced' to do something which is not my first choice, it really really hurts.
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Noone said planning for a wedding is easy...
In fact, I've heard of couples who break-up because the planning process throws light onto certain issues which would not have arised if they are not engaged...
Perhaps, like what one of my friends said, I am too idealistic.
I had a 'vision' of what my wedding can be like...
And I thought that I can live with the compromises I've made since my 'vision' is indeed, just a dream.

But too much is too much...
To them, perhaps it's what they wanted and even what they needed...
To me, it's just unnecessary to put up a show which no one will remember in the end...
Never been one to 'look on the bright side', I find myself trapped in the dark realms of anger and guilt.
Everyday, I tell myself to try and let go a little bit more of the anger...
and everyday, I find myself welling up with tears
(and gastric juices that is causing the worst gastritis attack I've had)

Indeed, a marriage isn't just about the bride and groom..
It's supposed to be the union of two families...
And such a union brings about the need for compromise from every involved party...
But how much of a compromise is too much?
Obviously they feel I can give in more, and I feel that I've reached my limit...

And what good examples of 'family union' do I have as a guide?
I've seen friends and relatives who get married, yet the families remain starkly apart...
It skews either to the male side, or to the female side...
Being on one side previously, naive thoughts tell me that more can be done to bring them closer...
Being on both sides now, I find myself drawing more and more lines which I tell myself I cannot cross...
Until now, I am trapped within a web of morals that noone can see, and everyone just wants a part of me.
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L.O.V.E.
It's supposed to solve problems, heal broken hearts.
Yet, is it not the same L.O.V.E. that create more problems and break more hearts?

F.A.I.T.H.
It's supposed to bridge gaps and bring about closer bonds.
Yet, the same F.A.I.T.H. often leads to disappointment, and more often than not, disillusionment.

~hurt, disappointed and very disillusioned~