today marks the last official day of winter. from tomorrow onwards,i can officially claim that it's SPRING! although all the plants have all realised that spring is not far away because beautiful flowers are blooming everywhere...and green buds have appear on all the botak trees...such a beautiful time of the year :D
but the change of season is bringing even more erratic weather...last week was an entire week of sunshine and nice warm breezes. this week is gonna be rain..rain..rain...argh. but still,it's nice to know that spring is on its way and it won't be long till i can keep my quilt and sleep in shorts and t-shirt.
was listening to the radio this morning and the radio DJs were talking abt a research project at the Australian Institue of Sports. aim of the project is to develop real SUPPORTIVE sports bra for females...and they were saying that when gals buy sports bra,it should be like buying shoes for different sports,need to buy different sports bra for different sports. another way to get females to spend more money...high maintenance huh?
but i think the most interesting part of the project is that the researcher, Dr somebody...gets to observe women running on a treadmill NAKED!now i think that's a dream job for any guy out there. licensed to stare at bare naked bouncing boobs the whole day. oh,and so far,the results show that the boobs bounce up and down and left and right and center when the women are running. i can almost see the guys reading this entry all drooling and eyes wide opened with wonderment right now. :P i really hope the research lab is nicely heated (unlike the freezing prac rooms here in melbourne...)then again,if the ladies are running,dun think they'll get too cold...
something interesting huh? ah well,i guess it is true that every kind of occupation has its merits huh? and who say a researcher's life is BORING? i bet there would be millions of guys out there who wants to switch their job with this lucky Doctor here. and perhaps another millions of guys who would volunteer to be his research assistants?
ah...guys and their perverted minds. guess all the testosterone really does weird things to their head...okie,enough guy bashing in this entry. gotta get back to my group assignment.
can't imagine that i am gonna be talking in front of 100+ people on friday about multicultural health. i can almost visualise all of them falling asleep on me...or all trying to understand my weird Singaporean accent...or trying to catch what the f*** i am talking abt cos i would be talking at full speed due to time constraints and nerves...
just ask the students i used to teach at Hwa Chong.every biology tutorial,i hear at least one of them say "Ms Ni,slow down" or "Ms Ni,can repeat that?" or "wait wait Ms Ni!slow down!" and that was talking in front of abt 27 students..
now it's gonne abt 100 students,lecturers,senior lecturers etc etc etc...all of them are gonna need to brace themselves for Machine Gun Gretel. imagine the massacre :P
new photos
added a new photo link "apartment 3N10". took some photos a few days ago when i was feeling too stressed out and needed to do something else besides the loads of assignments i have to complete. so with nothing better to do, i dig out my lousy "digital" camera and took some pictures of my apartment...and some pictures of the view i see from my apartment. anyway, they are poor quality pics..but for those who haven't seen my apartment at all, kinda like a very late "introduction" to the hole i live in :P
germaine is in full studying mood for her test tomorrow...and i am in full-on HIGH from the happy hormones released into my blood abt 6 hours ago after swimming. still got TONNES of work to do,but i am in a state of denial. shall live in my disillusioned world of peace and happiness for another 10 mins before i start working on my assignments.
i think i overload on Jay Chou last night at germaine's place. we were listening to his songs for like 3 hours. now my head is full of his mumbling voice and R&B music. oh no...i am slowly being converted into a Jay Chou fan. haiz...
argh...my 10 mins is up. gotta head back into reality and face the tedious task of completing my assignments.
why do physio students have to do assignments?!?! so crappy. waste of time..waste of money...waste of paper...waste of ink...it's bad for students' health..and it's bad for the environment. someone should ban students from doing any kind of assignments. make people grow old faster from all the stress. *groan*
germaine is in full studying mood for her test tomorrow...and i am in full-on HIGH from the happy hormones released into my blood abt 6 hours ago after swimming. still got TONNES of work to do,but i am in a state of denial. shall live in my disillusioned world of peace and happiness for another 10 mins before i start working on my assignments.
i think i overload on Jay Chou last night at germaine's place. we were listening to his songs for like 3 hours. now my head is full of his mumbling voice and R&B music. oh no...i am slowly being converted into a Jay Chou fan. haiz...
argh...my 10 mins is up. gotta head back into reality and face the tedious task of completing my assignments.
why do physio students have to do assignments?!?! so crappy. waste of time..waste of money...waste of paper...waste of ink...it's bad for students' health..and it's bad for the environment. someone should ban students from doing any kind of assignments. make people grow old faster from all the stress. *groan*
emotional rollercoaster
these few weeks had been full of UPs and DOWNs. i feel like i am stuck on a malfunctioning roller coaster ride. and considering i am no fan of free falls...and my bad experience on thrill rides, i feel extremely nauseated and disoriented now.
i've done so much self reflections in the past weeks...and the top 10 conclusions i've come up with:
1)i need a makeover.
2)my wardrobe is due for an overhaul
3)stress management is an unknown strategy for me...
4)i give in too easily
5)i get upset too easily,usually cos i gave in...
6)my communication skills are non existent
7)my social skills are non existent
8)i make stupid comments that get on peoples' nerves
9)optimism is missing in my life
10)i haven't had a decent bday celebration since my 1st bday...
spent the night at germaine's place last night...and cos i was so FULL from dinner,i ended up lying on her mattress,warm and cosy beneath her quilt...and started thinking of many many things..lots of incidents...and then the tears came and for the first time since i quarelled with han wei,i cried myself to sleep.
i feel very disoriented right now...i dunno what to do. it seems like there's so many things in my life that needs to be improved...dress sense,wardrobe,social skills,communication skills,stress management skills etc etc etc. but i have no idea how to go about doing it. everyone in my life tells me i need to change...
which makes me really wonder:so was i like a total hopeless freak in the past? is that why i need to change almost every aspect of myself?
i have no idea when somone would fix this rollercoaster so that i can get off and resume my life with less confusion.
i'm lost..and desperately in need for some directions...but sadly,there doesn't seem to be anyone in sight for me to ask....nor any signs or maps i could refer to.
i've done so much self reflections in the past weeks...and the top 10 conclusions i've come up with:
1)i need a makeover.
2)my wardrobe is due for an overhaul
3)stress management is an unknown strategy for me...
4)i give in too easily
5)i get upset too easily,usually cos i gave in...
6)my communication skills are non existent
7)my social skills are non existent
8)i make stupid comments that get on peoples' nerves
9)optimism is missing in my life
10)i haven't had a decent bday celebration since my 1st bday...
spent the night at germaine's place last night...and cos i was so FULL from dinner,i ended up lying on her mattress,warm and cosy beneath her quilt...and started thinking of many many things..lots of incidents...and then the tears came and for the first time since i quarelled with han wei,i cried myself to sleep.
i feel very disoriented right now...i dunno what to do. it seems like there's so many things in my life that needs to be improved...dress sense,wardrobe,social skills,communication skills,stress management skills etc etc etc. but i have no idea how to go about doing it. everyone in my life tells me i need to change...
which makes me really wonder:so was i like a total hopeless freak in the past? is that why i need to change almost every aspect of myself?
i have no idea when somone would fix this rollercoaster so that i can get off and resume my life with less confusion.
i'm lost..and desperately in need for some directions...but sadly,there doesn't seem to be anyone in sight for me to ask....nor any signs or maps i could refer to.
girls night out
went out for dinner with germaine,wingki,esther and huijun...went to this restaurant at st kilda (a suburb near a beach in melbourne)...it's a greek restaurant...but i think we ordered more seafood instead of greek stuff. and esther drove all of us there in her car...and i was in the front passenger seat navigating...although i think i was really redundant as a navigator cos esther seem to know the way already. but,it was fun to be a navigator again...kinda remind me of the times i was in tasmania with the guys *remincsing*
we ordered a set dinner for 2,3 mains and 3 starters/entrees. and the amount of food was unbelieveable. the set dinner comprises of abt 3 starters, so we had abt 6 starters...and the portions were huge. then came the mains...and they arrived in this HUGE GIGANTIC GARGANTUAN plates, one of them abt twice the size of my face. we have BBQ-ed quails (aka "jumbo birds"),seafood in tomato sauce with rice, seafood risotto, seafood platter and meat platter for mains.... wah liew...i am so so SO full now. can't sit up straight...also cannot slump too much...argh...
and i ate so much seafood today-prawns,scallops,mussels,calamari,fish......i am swearing off seafood for the next month or so. *groan* and then we cannot finish the food..so we asked the waiter to pack it up for us.then he say only the meat can pack...the seafood we cannot bring away cos it would go bad. so there we are,stuck with 2 huge plates of seafood....and we tried out best to stuff them down. and cos huijun is not eating seafood for the time being...it was just the 4 of us trying to finish the food. *moan* though we gave our best shot, there were still quite abit of food left on the table. but i think we did a pretty good job lor. *applause*
and i think we really shocked the waiter and the other customers. 5 teeny girls (okie,i am not teeny...but compared to an ang moh,i am quite small yeah?) with so much food...it's quite a sight.
i think i cannot eat breakfast and lunch tomorrow lor. and all the seafood...wah liew,my blood cholesterol must be off the roof now. tomorrow bodypump and bodystep must work extra hard. *yawn* and all the food is making me very sleepy.
though it was a rather expensive dinner,i really enjoyed myself. great fun to be around the 2nd years...even though most of the time i dun really understand what they are saying :P it's nice to be around them and just laugh along.
but right now,i am so BLOATED and having breathing difficulty. argh. i think germaine sums up our present state the best,"can't wait for the next time i feel hungry".
because right now,even smelling any kind of food makes me wanna gag and throw up.
but it was a great night...great fun and great food. i am satisfied :D
we ordered a set dinner for 2,3 mains and 3 starters/entrees. and the amount of food was unbelieveable. the set dinner comprises of abt 3 starters, so we had abt 6 starters...and the portions were huge. then came the mains...and they arrived in this HUGE GIGANTIC GARGANTUAN plates, one of them abt twice the size of my face. we have BBQ-ed quails (aka "jumbo birds"),seafood in tomato sauce with rice, seafood risotto, seafood platter and meat platter for mains.... wah liew...i am so so SO full now. can't sit up straight...also cannot slump too much...argh...
and i ate so much seafood today-prawns,scallops,mussels,calamari,fish......i am swearing off seafood for the next month or so. *groan* and then we cannot finish the food..so we asked the waiter to pack it up for us.then he say only the meat can pack...the seafood we cannot bring away cos it would go bad. so there we are,stuck with 2 huge plates of seafood....and we tried out best to stuff them down. and cos huijun is not eating seafood for the time being...it was just the 4 of us trying to finish the food. *moan* though we gave our best shot, there were still quite abit of food left on the table. but i think we did a pretty good job lor. *applause*
and i think we really shocked the waiter and the other customers. 5 teeny girls (okie,i am not teeny...but compared to an ang moh,i am quite small yeah?) with so much food...it's quite a sight.
i think i cannot eat breakfast and lunch tomorrow lor. and all the seafood...wah liew,my blood cholesterol must be off the roof now. tomorrow bodypump and bodystep must work extra hard. *yawn* and all the food is making me very sleepy.
though it was a rather expensive dinner,i really enjoyed myself. great fun to be around the 2nd years...even though most of the time i dun really understand what they are saying :P it's nice to be around them and just laugh along.
but right now,i am so BLOATED and having breathing difficulty. argh. i think germaine sums up our present state the best,"can't wait for the next time i feel hungry".
because right now,even smelling any kind of food makes me wanna gag and throw up.
but it was a great night...great fun and great food. i am satisfied :D
botak tree enjoying sunset...
got this picture off the Internet. It's taken from the website http://www.petewong.net/images_photo_gallery/sunset_62.jpg. need to acknowledge..in case got copyright. anyway,i really like the picture,that's why i put it as the main pic for my blog. it's taken on Hyderabad Road, Singapore. never heard of this road before...
other people may find the picture ugly or only ok...but it caught my eye the moment i saw it. i feel that the beauty of it lies in how the silouhette of the botak tree has broken up the sunset view, but instead of disrupting the beauty of the sunset, it enhances it. dunno if anyone else feel the same way as i do...but,hey..it's my blog and i'll put whatever picture i want to.
sometimes,beautiful things need the contrast of something plain to make it look even better. i guess that's kinda my role on this planet. be that something plain so that pretty people can look even prettier. :P
other people may find the picture ugly or only ok...but it caught my eye the moment i saw it. i feel that the beauty of it lies in how the silouhette of the botak tree has broken up the sunset view, but instead of disrupting the beauty of the sunset, it enhances it. dunno if anyone else feel the same way as i do...but,hey..it's my blog and i'll put whatever picture i want to.
sometimes,beautiful things need the contrast of something plain to make it look even better. i guess that's kinda my role on this planet. be that something plain so that pretty people can look even prettier. :P
addicted to endorphins (aka happy hormones)
I think i am getting addicted to exercising. every monday,i look forward to friday cos there's bodypump and body step...every sunday morning i look forward to swimming on sunday afternoon. the highs i get from exercising is making me feel so much better about myself. seems like the happy hormones are working really well on me.
i think i've lost abit of the winter flab i've been complaining about. still got flabs in my tummy though,but i think i'll never get rid of those completely unless i go for a tummy tuck. and my hips are still kinda yucky. but at least my legs below my hips look kinda toned...my arms are quite toned up. my biceps are almost twice its size before i started bodypump...and i can see my deltoids popping out whenever i am putting on my swimsuit. kinda worried that i'll end up being too beefed up and look a big chunk of meat or something. *grimace*
and bodystep is great fun...all the jumping are working my calves really hard..can actually see them pop out when i do heel raises now *applause* hopefully one day,i'll have nice calves like germaine's. her legs look great lor. dunno what she is complaining about. sighz. and i've actually said i am gonna get a mini skirt. also dunno whether i'll lose enough flab in my legs to actually wear a mini skirt without inducing gagging response from the public...
can't wait for bodypump and bodystep. was so stressed yesterday i went out for a long brisk walk (which lauren insist is power walking...)by myself...now kinda aching in my buttocks and my right calf is killing me. also dunno why is it one side aching only...but the happy hormones from the walk did not last till today. feeling lousy right now. all the assignments...all the work...and almost flunking one of my past assignment is turning me into a cranky old lady. grrrrrr....
argh...when are my hols coming?! i need a weekend where i can just slack and do nothing...just sit around and read...or just go out and window shop...I NEED A BREAK!
i think i've lost abit of the winter flab i've been complaining about. still got flabs in my tummy though,but i think i'll never get rid of those completely unless i go for a tummy tuck. and my hips are still kinda yucky. but at least my legs below my hips look kinda toned...my arms are quite toned up. my biceps are almost twice its size before i started bodypump...and i can see my deltoids popping out whenever i am putting on my swimsuit. kinda worried that i'll end up being too beefed up and look a big chunk of meat or something. *grimace*
and bodystep is great fun...all the jumping are working my calves really hard..can actually see them pop out when i do heel raises now *applause* hopefully one day,i'll have nice calves like germaine's. her legs look great lor. dunno what she is complaining about. sighz. and i've actually said i am gonna get a mini skirt. also dunno whether i'll lose enough flab in my legs to actually wear a mini skirt without inducing gagging response from the public...
can't wait for bodypump and bodystep. was so stressed yesterday i went out for a long brisk walk (which lauren insist is power walking...)by myself...now kinda aching in my buttocks and my right calf is killing me. also dunno why is it one side aching only...but the happy hormones from the walk did not last till today. feeling lousy right now. all the assignments...all the work...and almost flunking one of my past assignment is turning me into a cranky old lady. grrrrrr....
argh...when are my hols coming?! i need a weekend where i can just slack and do nothing...just sit around and read...or just go out and window shop...I NEED A BREAK!
My first clubbing experience
yesh,Gretel went to a club on Friday night. *gasp* oh my,what in the world is Gretel doing in a club? well,cos it was esther's bday and the second years gals were all asking me to go. dun wanna turn them down cos i often dun get invited to have fun ...so i summon all the courage i have and decided to give clubbing a go...
THE BEGINNING
well,started off pretty BORING at first. we were all sitting around in the club (Amber Lounge) and sort of waiting for more people to go onto the dance floor. it was apparently Asian Night..so kinda waiting for the ang mohs to get out and for the asians to arrive. anyway, i was almost falling asleep on the couch (which had a very strong dirty sock smell for some reason...)cos i had been up since 6.30am on friday morning.but eventually,we got up and went on the dance floor...
THE DRESSING
I was feeling self conscious cos, well,i wasn't dressed to go clubbing (din expect to get invited..and din expect them to insist me to go)....so there i was, in my 3/4 sleeve length top, surrounded by germaine in her halter top, wingki in her toga top, esther in her tube top,alicia in her sleeveless top and huijun in a top that barely covers her midriff. How much more "toot" can i look yeah? anyway,luckily i was wearing a tank top beneath my other top...and as i get hotter from the "dancing" i've been doing,i took of my other top and felt a little less "outstanding" in my tank top and jeans. phew.
THE DANCING
oh boy.any dancing cells i had (if i had any) are probably all dormant for too long.i can't dance. that's the fact. and well, the music was the hip-hop kind u get at clubs,and i am no hip-hop fan...so i had no idea what the songs are...and it was kinda hard to catch the rhythm. and germaine wasn't impressed with the movements i was doing, cos she shouted into my ear "what is that?" ah well, considering it was my first time at a club,gotta gimme some time yeah? then again,i was probably looking like an idiot cos i am surrounded by expert clubbers like wing ki,huijun and alicia..can't blame germaine for pointing out the fact that i am not dancing well. but, it got better as i start to "warm up" and catch the gist of the kind of dance clubbers do...so i think i improved gradually...hehe. hopefully i did improve...that's up to the 2nd year gals to judge...
THE MUSIC
Does the music have to be that loud? i mean, the bass was so strong that i could feel my jeans vibrating if i just stand and not dance. and i could feel the air moving over my arms every time a "BOOM" comes out from the speakers. oh geez...initially i was fine...but after abt 3 hours, my ear drums were begging for mercy...and i slipped into the toilet for about 5 mins to relieve the ache in my ears and head. short-lived relief though...the moment i step out of the toilet, the "BOOM BOOM" found its way into my external acoustic meatus and hammered onto my tympanic membrane (aka ear drum)...and the ache in my ears and head came back with twice the magnitude..so maybe hiding in the toilet wasn't such a good idea after all...
THE ENDING
so,we danced from like 11pm to 2.30am...knees almost constantly bent...hips moving, abs working....towards the end,my knees were in PAIN, my abs were ACHING and my back was in absolute AGONY. can't take it anymore..i sat down on the gigantic speakers which double-up as a platform for good dancers...age must be catching up with me..cos the 2nd years were still going strong, dancing and moving as if the night has just started...either that or as a first-timer, my body is just not accustomed to the amount of activity i've forced onto them. ARGH.
so,that's my first clubbing experience!am i gonna go clubbing again? YESH!well,provided i get invited after my embarrassing dance movements....but well, i've concluded that clubbing is good fun if u dun do it too often. once a month or even less would probably be the limit for me. too much of it and u'll probably end up getting osteoarthritis in ur knees and hips,getting deaf or getting lung problems from the 2nd hand cigarette smoke.
wonder how my 2nd clubbing experience would be...hmmm...in the meantime..gotta get a nice top and brush up on my dancing skills..and,strengthen up my back,hips and knees to protect them from joint damage.
THE BEGINNING
well,started off pretty BORING at first. we were all sitting around in the club (Amber Lounge) and sort of waiting for more people to go onto the dance floor. it was apparently Asian Night..so kinda waiting for the ang mohs to get out and for the asians to arrive. anyway, i was almost falling asleep on the couch (which had a very strong dirty sock smell for some reason...)cos i had been up since 6.30am on friday morning.but eventually,we got up and went on the dance floor...
THE DRESSING
I was feeling self conscious cos, well,i wasn't dressed to go clubbing (din expect to get invited..and din expect them to insist me to go)....so there i was, in my 3/4 sleeve length top, surrounded by germaine in her halter top, wingki in her toga top, esther in her tube top,alicia in her sleeveless top and huijun in a top that barely covers her midriff. How much more "toot" can i look yeah? anyway,luckily i was wearing a tank top beneath my other top...and as i get hotter from the "dancing" i've been doing,i took of my other top and felt a little less "outstanding" in my tank top and jeans. phew.
THE DANCING
oh boy.any dancing cells i had (if i had any) are probably all dormant for too long.i can't dance. that's the fact. and well, the music was the hip-hop kind u get at clubs,and i am no hip-hop fan...so i had no idea what the songs are...and it was kinda hard to catch the rhythm. and germaine wasn't impressed with the movements i was doing, cos she shouted into my ear "what is that?" ah well, considering it was my first time at a club,gotta gimme some time yeah? then again,i was probably looking like an idiot cos i am surrounded by expert clubbers like wing ki,huijun and alicia..can't blame germaine for pointing out the fact that i am not dancing well. but, it got better as i start to "warm up" and catch the gist of the kind of dance clubbers do...so i think i improved gradually...hehe. hopefully i did improve...that's up to the 2nd year gals to judge...
THE MUSIC
Does the music have to be that loud? i mean, the bass was so strong that i could feel my jeans vibrating if i just stand and not dance. and i could feel the air moving over my arms every time a "BOOM" comes out from the speakers. oh geez...initially i was fine...but after abt 3 hours, my ear drums were begging for mercy...and i slipped into the toilet for about 5 mins to relieve the ache in my ears and head. short-lived relief though...the moment i step out of the toilet, the "BOOM BOOM" found its way into my external acoustic meatus and hammered onto my tympanic membrane (aka ear drum)...and the ache in my ears and head came back with twice the magnitude..so maybe hiding in the toilet wasn't such a good idea after all...
THE ENDING
so,we danced from like 11pm to 2.30am...knees almost constantly bent...hips moving, abs working....towards the end,my knees were in PAIN, my abs were ACHING and my back was in absolute AGONY. can't take it anymore..i sat down on the gigantic speakers which double-up as a platform for good dancers...age must be catching up with me..cos the 2nd years were still going strong, dancing and moving as if the night has just started...either that or as a first-timer, my body is just not accustomed to the amount of activity i've forced onto them. ARGH.
so,that's my first clubbing experience!am i gonna go clubbing again? YESH!well,provided i get invited after my embarrassing dance movements....but well, i've concluded that clubbing is good fun if u dun do it too often. once a month or even less would probably be the limit for me. too much of it and u'll probably end up getting osteoarthritis in ur knees and hips,getting deaf or getting lung problems from the 2nd hand cigarette smoke.
wonder how my 2nd clubbing experience would be...hmmm...in the meantime..gotta get a nice top and brush up on my dancing skills..and,strengthen up my back,hips and knees to protect them from joint damage.
have you ever...
Have you ever been all alone
with just your computor and chatting online with your beloved
or just talking to a few friends over the Internet
and yet you feel so surrounded by people,
so happy and so treasured?
Have you ever been at a gathering
and physically surrounded by people who are talking to you
but your heart feels so cold and lonely
as if you are all alone in the world?
Have you ever been with your gang of friends
sitting and listening to the conversations
yet you feel like you are being left out of the fun
that you are isolated from the group
and that tears are welling up in your eyes?
Have you ever walk by yourself
and saw something funny or interesting that makes you smile
then you turn around to share it with somebody
only to find strangers walking past you
and that smile on your face just vanished?
Have you ever walked with a friend
but both of you are not talking
and yet you feel so comfortable walking in silence
just enjoying the company of being with someone
and knowing that when you wanna talk,
someone would be there?
Have you ever called that special someone
and talk for hours
then a silence falls over both of you
but you don't wanna put down the phone
just wanting to hold on to it
and knowing that when you have something to say
your special someone is there to listen?
Have you ever had a friend who promised to call
but he/she never did
and you waited by the telephone
waiting for it to ring
only to retire to your bed at night
filled with disappointment and anger?
Have you ever been by yourself
and feel like your world is coming to an end
but when you wanna turn to someone for comfort
all you find is emptiness?
with just your computor and chatting online with your beloved
or just talking to a few friends over the Internet
and yet you feel so surrounded by people,
so happy and so treasured?
Have you ever been at a gathering
and physically surrounded by people who are talking to you
but your heart feels so cold and lonely
as if you are all alone in the world?
Have you ever been with your gang of friends
sitting and listening to the conversations
yet you feel like you are being left out of the fun
that you are isolated from the group
and that tears are welling up in your eyes?
Have you ever walk by yourself
and saw something funny or interesting that makes you smile
then you turn around to share it with somebody
only to find strangers walking past you
and that smile on your face just vanished?
Have you ever walked with a friend
but both of you are not talking
and yet you feel so comfortable walking in silence
just enjoying the company of being with someone
and knowing that when you wanna talk,
someone would be there?
Have you ever called that special someone
and talk for hours
then a silence falls over both of you
but you don't wanna put down the phone
just wanting to hold on to it
and knowing that when you have something to say
your special someone is there to listen?
Have you ever had a friend who promised to call
but he/she never did
and you waited by the telephone
waiting for it to ring
only to retire to your bed at night
filled with disappointment and anger?
Have you ever been by yourself
and feel like your world is coming to an end
but when you wanna turn to someone for comfort
all you find is emptiness?
the opposite of an all-rounder is...me
my self-esteem has hit a record low. reflecting on my past is not bringing back any happy memories...just painful incidents which prove what a failure i have become.
some people have boring childhoods and then party like crazy when they are adolescents. some people have happening childhoods and adolescent years...some people have fun-filled childhood and almost non-existent adolescent years.
i belong to category three. my childhood was filled with days of catching, zero-points, monkey bars and tree climbing. i was one of the star dancers for my primary school's chinese dance troupe. i was confident. i was proud of my dancing skills and that i am in the EM1 stream.
then,i left primary school and as i enter my secondary school years,my self-confidence left me.i went into NCC and i thot i was good...until i din get any marksmanship for any of my shooting tests. sure,my grades remained above average...but cos of that,i got isolated from the rest of my peers. i was officially classified as "NERD".
after being isolated for 4 years in RV,i got into HCJC.my dream JC..and i was determined to shed the NERD image and have FUN. i was successful for 3 months. i felt good...i felt like i belonged...until i joined chinese dance...that was when i realised that my dancing skills have left me when my confidence took off from me. and if it was possible,any bit of self esteem left in me packed up and left too. once again,i was back to my NERD image. everyone thot i just run back home to study after school everyday. they thot my kind of fun was to read a textbook. they thot i was boring. and somewhere along the way,i gave up trying to prove that i know how to have fun too. that i wanna join them when they catch a movie or play pool.
then,i came to melbourne. whole new country...whole new batch of people...and once again,i tried to shed that NERD image. but the dream of being treated as a NORMAL person went down the drain when i was officially announced to be on the dean's list. once again,i was classfied as "boring and geeky". and i guess after so many years of being in that classification,i got immuned to it...and i just left it.
but right now,i feel so useless. sure enough,i get good grades in school..but is that all i am capable of? sadly,the reality seem to be pointing to a big fat "YES". i am totally uncoordinated, i can't dance..i can't sing...i can't draw...i am not good at any sports (good being defined as "able to get into a school team")...i am not pretty...i am NOTHING!
so,i get good grades..which probably would get me a good job...but is that what life is about? i dun think so. when other people had been out and about, getting medals in sports or having fun clubbing, i was stuck at home (not reading textbooks)..wondering why am i always left out of the fun? just because i am apparently clever means i cannot have the same kind of fun? am i that BORING?
i dun need to be an all rounder...because only special people get to be all rounders. i just wish i am good at something else besides studying.if i get to be good at something else, i dun mind my grades being average.
in fact,i just wanna be an average girl. not a 'smart-ass who doesn't know how to have fun' or 'nerd who goes home to read textbooks' or 'ugly gal who dunno how to dress up'...i wanna be like any other girl in society. i dun wanna stand out above the rest and get isolated...i wanna do the stuff that any other girls do too...i wanna blend into the crowd...i dun wanna be classified into the NERD category...it's cold and lonely being in that category.
is there gonna be chance that i can crawl my way out of that group? perhaps...and if i dun,i'm just gonna grow old and die with NERD engraved on my tombstone.
some people have boring childhoods and then party like crazy when they are adolescents. some people have happening childhoods and adolescent years...some people have fun-filled childhood and almost non-existent adolescent years.
i belong to category three. my childhood was filled with days of catching, zero-points, monkey bars and tree climbing. i was one of the star dancers for my primary school's chinese dance troupe. i was confident. i was proud of my dancing skills and that i am in the EM1 stream.
then,i left primary school and as i enter my secondary school years,my self-confidence left me.i went into NCC and i thot i was good...until i din get any marksmanship for any of my shooting tests. sure,my grades remained above average...but cos of that,i got isolated from the rest of my peers. i was officially classified as "NERD".
after being isolated for 4 years in RV,i got into HCJC.my dream JC..and i was determined to shed the NERD image and have FUN. i was successful for 3 months. i felt good...i felt like i belonged...until i joined chinese dance...that was when i realised that my dancing skills have left me when my confidence took off from me. and if it was possible,any bit of self esteem left in me packed up and left too. once again,i was back to my NERD image. everyone thot i just run back home to study after school everyday. they thot my kind of fun was to read a textbook. they thot i was boring. and somewhere along the way,i gave up trying to prove that i know how to have fun too. that i wanna join them when they catch a movie or play pool.
then,i came to melbourne. whole new country...whole new batch of people...and once again,i tried to shed that NERD image. but the dream of being treated as a NORMAL person went down the drain when i was officially announced to be on the dean's list. once again,i was classfied as "boring and geeky". and i guess after so many years of being in that classification,i got immuned to it...and i just left it.
but right now,i feel so useless. sure enough,i get good grades in school..but is that all i am capable of? sadly,the reality seem to be pointing to a big fat "YES". i am totally uncoordinated, i can't dance..i can't sing...i can't draw...i am not good at any sports (good being defined as "able to get into a school team")...i am not pretty...i am NOTHING!
so,i get good grades..which probably would get me a good job...but is that what life is about? i dun think so. when other people had been out and about, getting medals in sports or having fun clubbing, i was stuck at home (not reading textbooks)..wondering why am i always left out of the fun? just because i am apparently clever means i cannot have the same kind of fun? am i that BORING?
i dun need to be an all rounder...because only special people get to be all rounders. i just wish i am good at something else besides studying.if i get to be good at something else, i dun mind my grades being average.
in fact,i just wanna be an average girl. not a 'smart-ass who doesn't know how to have fun' or 'nerd who goes home to read textbooks' or 'ugly gal who dunno how to dress up'...i wanna be like any other girl in society. i dun wanna stand out above the rest and get isolated...i wanna do the stuff that any other girls do too...i wanna blend into the crowd...i dun wanna be classified into the NERD category...it's cold and lonely being in that category.
is there gonna be chance that i can crawl my way out of that group? perhaps...and if i dun,i'm just gonna grow old and die with NERD engraved on my tombstone.
birthdays...truly special or purely commercial?
every month,when the 22nd comes along...i sing myself a little bday song.even though it's not my bday 11 out of 12 months in a year. feels like every 22nd is a little bit special...all the little bits of special accumulates to novemeber...when 22nd november finally comes,it's like Gretel's day to me.
and there are others who are the complete opposite...people who feel that bdays are just like any other days. just like people who feel that valentine's day is just a day that businessmen came up with to earn money...there are those who feel that bdays are not as special as they are made out to be..that bdays are commercialised...
and therefore..bdays doesn't require special attention?!?!
well,i do agree that people have commercialised bdays.but bdays are not just abt presents and having dinner.celebrating bdays is abt being treated specially because it's ur special day. it can be as elaborate as going for dinner in a fancy restaurant, as happening as going clubbing with a group of people, as quiet as being at home eating mee sua cooked by ur mummy...or as simple as having ur bf/gf sing happy birthday to u...or a hug from someone who remembered...or sms from people who remembered and who cared...
or at least that's what i think...
if i dun get those kinda big bday celebrations, can't i just have a teeny weeny one? really teeny one..with a teeny cake..and a teeny candle...and some teeny presents?
because while other people dun think bday celebrations are necessary...that bdays are not special...i still think my bday is MY special day. and on MY speciall day. dun i deserve to be treated with a little more attention?
because although this day comes every year...who knows whether i'll live to celebrate my bday every year? as the saying goes,"life is unpredictable"...and being able to go through 365 days is quite an achievement...so although i got to my 21st last year,doesn't mean i'll get to my 22nd this year..or my 23rd next year...so on and so forth...
so when each year of my life has ended...and when another year of my life is beginning,isn't that at least a teeny weeny bit special?
well,everyone has different views.and on bdays of people i care and love,i thank my lucky stars that they are born on their bdays and that they are in my life. and on my bday,i thank my lucky stars that i lived to see another bday of mine.
and there are others who are the complete opposite...people who feel that bdays are just like any other days. just like people who feel that valentine's day is just a day that businessmen came up with to earn money...there are those who feel that bdays are not as special as they are made out to be..that bdays are commercialised...
and therefore..bdays doesn't require special attention?!?!
well,i do agree that people have commercialised bdays.but bdays are not just abt presents and having dinner.celebrating bdays is abt being treated specially because it's ur special day. it can be as elaborate as going for dinner in a fancy restaurant, as happening as going clubbing with a group of people, as quiet as being at home eating mee sua cooked by ur mummy...or as simple as having ur bf/gf sing happy birthday to u...or a hug from someone who remembered...or sms from people who remembered and who cared...
or at least that's what i think...
if i dun get those kinda big bday celebrations, can't i just have a teeny weeny one? really teeny one..with a teeny cake..and a teeny candle...and some teeny presents?
because while other people dun think bday celebrations are necessary...that bdays are not special...i still think my bday is MY special day. and on MY speciall day. dun i deserve to be treated with a little more attention?
because although this day comes every year...who knows whether i'll live to celebrate my bday every year? as the saying goes,"life is unpredictable"...and being able to go through 365 days is quite an achievement...so although i got to my 21st last year,doesn't mean i'll get to my 22nd this year..or my 23rd next year...so on and so forth...
so when each year of my life has ended...and when another year of my life is beginning,isn't that at least a teeny weeny bit special?
well,everyone has different views.and on bdays of people i care and love,i thank my lucky stars that they are born on their bdays and that they are in my life. and on my bday,i thank my lucky stars that i lived to see another bday of mine.
happy birthday Singapore!
Singapore is 39 years old today!if only i am back home...then can watch the parade on tv...or go to Kallang and watch the fireworks with my special someone.
every year,when this day comes around,i feel a strong sense of sadness and an even stronger sense of homesickness.on this day,i avoid listening to kit chan's 'Home' at all cost...cos that song brings tears to my eyes...especially when she starts singing "this is home,truly...where i know i must be,where my dreams wait for me,where the river always flow.this is home,surely...as my senses tell me.this is where i won't be alone...for this is where i know i'm home"
just typing the lyrics out forms a huge lump in my throat. sighz...
i've missed 3 years of NDP...gonna miss another year.even though i know most singaporeans just view this day as another public holiday...but i think for singaporeans overseas who haven't forgotten that today is Singapore's special day...this day is special to us too.because on this day,we are reminded of the fact that we are in a foreign country...in a country where we would not find the warmth and comfort of being with our loved ones...in a country where we would always be classified as "visitors"...and that the one place where we would truly belong is back home...back in Singapore.
or at least,that's the way i feel whenever 9 August comes along...
here's wishing Singapore a very Happy Birthday. and to anyone who's reading my blog,hope u remembered that today is our nation's special day :>
every year,when this day comes around,i feel a strong sense of sadness and an even stronger sense of homesickness.on this day,i avoid listening to kit chan's 'Home' at all cost...cos that song brings tears to my eyes...especially when she starts singing "this is home,truly...where i know i must be,where my dreams wait for me,where the river always flow.this is home,surely...as my senses tell me.this is where i won't be alone...for this is where i know i'm home"
just typing the lyrics out forms a huge lump in my throat. sighz...
i've missed 3 years of NDP...gonna miss another year.even though i know most singaporeans just view this day as another public holiday...but i think for singaporeans overseas who haven't forgotten that today is Singapore's special day...this day is special to us too.because on this day,we are reminded of the fact that we are in a foreign country...in a country where we would not find the warmth and comfort of being with our loved ones...in a country where we would always be classified as "visitors"...and that the one place where we would truly belong is back home...back in Singapore.
or at least,that's the way i feel whenever 9 August comes along...
here's wishing Singapore a very Happy Birthday. and to anyone who's reading my blog,hope u remembered that today is our nation's special day :>
uncoordinated Gretel
went for bodystep on friday with germaine. it was right after bodypump, so both of us are pretty drained of energy and kinda shaking from the fatigue in our muscles. btw,bodystep is like step aerobics...so there's a step and basically we make use of the step to get a full body workout.
it was really fun. jumping around,onto and across the step...the music was good...the instructor was fun and energetic...really enjoyed myself...
except for the fact that i am so highly uncoordinated.all the jumps and steps should continue into each other so that the whole routine becomes sort of like a dance. guess my dancing days are truly over cos most of the time,i have no idea which leg to step..which leg to kick..which leg to tap...and add in the arm movements,i must be looking like a complete idiot. more often than not,i end up stopping and watching this other girl who is absolutely catching what the instructor is doing...then hopelessly try to coordinate my arms and legs.maybe there's something wrong in my cerebellum (part of the brain right at the back of ur head) which is responsible for coordination...maybe i damaged it when i fainted and fell on the back of my head in 2001. or maybe it's just that i am old already. reaction time is longer...reflexes are slower...sighz...age is catching up with me eh?
but,i am determined to keep doing bodystep.a great cardiovascular workout..can feel myself panting and my heart rate shooting up.it was great fun. much better than jogging outside and ending up with pain in my ears and low blood sugar level. :<
now i have excruciating soreness in both my calves from the jumping up,down,left right and center. but the pain feels good...means that i really work the muscles. besides the pain in my calves..also sore in my hip adductors (the muscles on the inside part of the thigh)...and my pecs and deltoids are aching from bodypump. :"<
on the bright side,i did tone up and lost a bit of flab. my jeans are getting looser...my clinic pants doesn't fit as well as before...hopefully,i would continue to tone up and stay toned when i go back to sg in november.
going swimming with germaine later.did 36 laps last sunday...today gonna try and do 40 laps...though 1 lap is only 25m :P been working on my front crawl.hopefully by the time i go back to sg,i can swim front crawl continuously for 50m. *cross fingers*
endorphins ('happy hormones') from the workout on friday still swimming around in my blood.in quite a good mood now...better get some work done while i am in a good mood :|
it was really fun. jumping around,onto and across the step...the music was good...the instructor was fun and energetic...really enjoyed myself...
except for the fact that i am so highly uncoordinated.all the jumps and steps should continue into each other so that the whole routine becomes sort of like a dance. guess my dancing days are truly over cos most of the time,i have no idea which leg to step..which leg to kick..which leg to tap...and add in the arm movements,i must be looking like a complete idiot. more often than not,i end up stopping and watching this other girl who is absolutely catching what the instructor is doing...then hopelessly try to coordinate my arms and legs.maybe there's something wrong in my cerebellum (part of the brain right at the back of ur head) which is responsible for coordination...maybe i damaged it when i fainted and fell on the back of my head in 2001. or maybe it's just that i am old already. reaction time is longer...reflexes are slower...sighz...age is catching up with me eh?
but,i am determined to keep doing bodystep.a great cardiovascular workout..can feel myself panting and my heart rate shooting up.it was great fun. much better than jogging outside and ending up with pain in my ears and low blood sugar level. :<
now i have excruciating soreness in both my calves from the jumping up,down,left right and center. but the pain feels good...means that i really work the muscles. besides the pain in my calves..also sore in my hip adductors (the muscles on the inside part of the thigh)...and my pecs and deltoids are aching from bodypump. :"<
on the bright side,i did tone up and lost a bit of flab. my jeans are getting looser...my clinic pants doesn't fit as well as before...hopefully,i would continue to tone up and stay toned when i go back to sg in november.
going swimming with germaine later.did 36 laps last sunday...today gonna try and do 40 laps...though 1 lap is only 25m :P been working on my front crawl.hopefully by the time i go back to sg,i can swim front crawl continuously for 50m. *cross fingers*
endorphins ('happy hormones') from the workout on friday still swimming around in my blood.in quite a good mood now...better get some work done while i am in a good mood :|
sleep-deprived Gretel
i have been deprived of good sleep for 4 consecutive nights.
1st night cos of my fight with han wei...
2nd night cos i feel so guilty starting the fight...
3rd night cos i was confused abt the whole situation...
and 4th night cos i was hoping and waiting for han wei to call...
and now,my eyes are burning...my head is aching...my neck is sore...and i am just DEAD TIRED.
the fact that i have to get up at 6.30am tomorrow morning and has one whole day of clinic to endure isn't helping.
right now,all i want is to crawl into bed,close my eyes and hopefully get at least a couple of hours of good sleep.
good sleep being defined as not waking up and feel like i've never slept at all...as not having millions of thoughts running through my head...as not having to think if i've lost han wei..not wondering if han wei would call...
another little luxury that i've taken granted for until i've lost it.seems like it's really human nature to only appreciate the things that u've lost. sometimes i really wonder if i fall really sick and nearly die...would that make people around me appreciate me more? it's as if everyone needs a wake-up call before they realise that someone/something is important...
though i know the chance of me falling really sick is like one in a zillion...i have trouble just catching a flu bug from the dozens of people sneezing and coughing around me...how am i gonna fall really sick?
okie,i am starting to sound abit psycho here.
went for a run outside yesterday..thot it would be good idea cos the weather was pretty nice...it was pretty ok..until both of my ears start to develop sharp pain on the inside...it's like having 2 knives being continuously driven into my ear. the pain merge in the centre of my eyes and shoot right up into my cerebral hemispheres. after enduring the pain for like 3 mins,i gave up and slowed down to a stroll...but the pain remained..and then to my worst horror, my blood sugar level dropped and i felt faint and weak.
so there i was, walking along royal parade with sharp shooting pain in my ears and head and wobbly legs that could hardly support me...i thot i was gonna pass out from the pain or just faint from not having enough glucose going to my brain...and when both the pain and the dizziness peaked, i thot i was gonna die.
alot of thoughts went through my head...like are the passerbys gonna help me by calling ambulance? would my parents fly over to see me? if i am in danger of losing my life,would han wei fly over to see me? would anyone visit me at the hospital??
i know i was paranoid..but i really felt like i was gonna just collapse. but the pain did ease..and my body finally realised there's not enough glucose going to my brain and started utilising some energy stores..so i felt slightly better and managed to stroll my way back to my apt.
i guess being sleep-deprived has thrown my body's homeostasis process all off track.maybe it is time to see a doc or something regarding my sudden dropping in blood sugar levels...
okie,gotta get some work done and crawl into my bed in 2.5 hours time. *yawn*
oh,please let me get some good sleep tonight. i can pass off as a china panda now.
and the bags under my eyes are big enough to hold those 10kg packs of potatoes they sell at vic market. *yawn*
1st night cos of my fight with han wei...
2nd night cos i feel so guilty starting the fight...
3rd night cos i was confused abt the whole situation...
and 4th night cos i was hoping and waiting for han wei to call...
and now,my eyes are burning...my head is aching...my neck is sore...and i am just DEAD TIRED.
the fact that i have to get up at 6.30am tomorrow morning and has one whole day of clinic to endure isn't helping.
right now,all i want is to crawl into bed,close my eyes and hopefully get at least a couple of hours of good sleep.
good sleep being defined as not waking up and feel like i've never slept at all...as not having millions of thoughts running through my head...as not having to think if i've lost han wei..not wondering if han wei would call...
another little luxury that i've taken granted for until i've lost it.seems like it's really human nature to only appreciate the things that u've lost. sometimes i really wonder if i fall really sick and nearly die...would that make people around me appreciate me more? it's as if everyone needs a wake-up call before they realise that someone/something is important...
though i know the chance of me falling really sick is like one in a zillion...i have trouble just catching a flu bug from the dozens of people sneezing and coughing around me...how am i gonna fall really sick?
okie,i am starting to sound abit psycho here.
went for a run outside yesterday..thot it would be good idea cos the weather was pretty nice...it was pretty ok..until both of my ears start to develop sharp pain on the inside...it's like having 2 knives being continuously driven into my ear. the pain merge in the centre of my eyes and shoot right up into my cerebral hemispheres. after enduring the pain for like 3 mins,i gave up and slowed down to a stroll...but the pain remained..and then to my worst horror, my blood sugar level dropped and i felt faint and weak.
so there i was, walking along royal parade with sharp shooting pain in my ears and head and wobbly legs that could hardly support me...i thot i was gonna pass out from the pain or just faint from not having enough glucose going to my brain...and when both the pain and the dizziness peaked, i thot i was gonna die.
alot of thoughts went through my head...like are the passerbys gonna help me by calling ambulance? would my parents fly over to see me? if i am in danger of losing my life,would han wei fly over to see me? would anyone visit me at the hospital??
i know i was paranoid..but i really felt like i was gonna just collapse. but the pain did ease..and my body finally realised there's not enough glucose going to my brain and started utilising some energy stores..so i felt slightly better and managed to stroll my way back to my apt.
i guess being sleep-deprived has thrown my body's homeostasis process all off track.maybe it is time to see a doc or something regarding my sudden dropping in blood sugar levels...
okie,gotta get some work done and crawl into my bed in 2.5 hours time. *yawn*
oh,please let me get some good sleep tonight. i can pass off as a china panda now.
and the bags under my eyes are big enough to hold those 10kg packs of potatoes they sell at vic market. *yawn*
for those who took time to read my blog
cute little monkeys to bring a smile to those who reads my blog. thank you.
to love or be loved?
i vaguely remember a line from a movie/tv show i watched quite a number of years ago. goes something like that:
"when u love someone,u give all u have...and u dun expect the person to repay you. and hopefully,that person loves you just as much...and that person would give you all he has..and he won't expect you to repay him. that is why it is a blessing to be loved...and a challenge to love."
so basically,it's better to be loved than to love? at least i think that's what the above line is trying to say...
well...i start to wonder...what if u love someone who doesn't love you back? like when i had a major crush on that guy some years ago...and yet he was totally oblivious to my presence...or what if you love someone...and that someone loves u back...but doesn't love you enough? or what if u love someone but that someone not only dun love you..but hates u? how bad is that gonna be?
i reflect upon all the things i've done that i can remember..and i really wonder to myself how many times had i hurt someone who loved me because i was oblivious to that person's presence, because i din love that person enough..or even worse,hated a person who loved me?
not talking abt just BGR...i mean love in general. like between me and my mum, i feel that i dun love her enough when i was younger...trying to compensate for it now. or between me and my brother...when i am sometimes oblivious to his presence until i needed help from him.or between me and a friend in sec school...she's nice but becos i can't stand her due to an incident,i nearly hated her...
suddenly i feel like i came in number one on the top 10 list for the lousiest human beings on this planet.
i always thought i am an average girl. below average looks, below average figure, slightly above average grades,more or less average personality...in my life,i try to make as many people in my life happy as possible,cos i derive happiness from the people around me. after reflecting, perhaps i am just a pain in the ass most of the time.
or rather,i am a pain in many peoples' asses. with my constant nagging and whining, who wouldn't hate me?
so maybe i fall into category three in many peoples' life? when i love them but they dun love me...and even hate me?
so if u take a chance and love someone,u might end up
a)be loved in return
b)the person not knowing u love him/her
c)be loved in return but at a lesser magnitude
d)be hated by the person u love
one in 4 chance for a perfectly happy ending...lousy odds eh?
but we continue to love people with all our hearts and souls, hoping to have them love us as much in return. why?
because when we are loved in return,the blissful feeling we get erases all the pain we endured from the other three possible endings...??
now that's the question i'll bring with me to sleep tonight...
"when u love someone,u give all u have...and u dun expect the person to repay you. and hopefully,that person loves you just as much...and that person would give you all he has..and he won't expect you to repay him. that is why it is a blessing to be loved...and a challenge to love."
so basically,it's better to be loved than to love? at least i think that's what the above line is trying to say...
well...i start to wonder...what if u love someone who doesn't love you back? like when i had a major crush on that guy some years ago...and yet he was totally oblivious to my presence...or what if you love someone...and that someone loves u back...but doesn't love you enough? or what if u love someone but that someone not only dun love you..but hates u? how bad is that gonna be?
i reflect upon all the things i've done that i can remember..and i really wonder to myself how many times had i hurt someone who loved me because i was oblivious to that person's presence, because i din love that person enough..or even worse,hated a person who loved me?
not talking abt just BGR...i mean love in general. like between me and my mum, i feel that i dun love her enough when i was younger...trying to compensate for it now. or between me and my brother...when i am sometimes oblivious to his presence until i needed help from him.or between me and a friend in sec school...she's nice but becos i can't stand her due to an incident,i nearly hated her...
suddenly i feel like i came in number one on the top 10 list for the lousiest human beings on this planet.
i always thought i am an average girl. below average looks, below average figure, slightly above average grades,more or less average personality...in my life,i try to make as many people in my life happy as possible,cos i derive happiness from the people around me. after reflecting, perhaps i am just a pain in the ass most of the time.
or rather,i am a pain in many peoples' asses. with my constant nagging and whining, who wouldn't hate me?
so maybe i fall into category three in many peoples' life? when i love them but they dun love me...and even hate me?
so if u take a chance and love someone,u might end up
a)be loved in return
b)the person not knowing u love him/her
c)be loved in return but at a lesser magnitude
d)be hated by the person u love
one in 4 chance for a perfectly happy ending...lousy odds eh?
but we continue to love people with all our hearts and souls, hoping to have them love us as much in return. why?
because when we are loved in return,the blissful feeling we get erases all the pain we endured from the other three possible endings...??
now that's the question i'll bring with me to sleep tonight...
emotional hell x100000000
the weather in melbourne has suddenly turn from cold and gloomy to warm and sunny...at total contrast to how i am feeling right now.irony again?
i am consumed in a battle between right and wrong,regret and anger.
i no longer know what is right and what is wrong.no longer clear who's at fault.
i regret throwing a tantrum.i regret making a gigantic mess out of a tiny incident.
i am angry at myself for being so idiotic.for being so moronic.for being such a baby.
one part of me is screaming "call him!!make things right again!!" and the other part is yelling "dun call him!! u'll only make things worse!!"
and from the 2 phone calls i made to him after our fight yesterday,i have to agree with the latter part of me. all i do on the phone is to become clingy and sobbing and basically a pathetic mess. giving him the idea that i would kill myself if he leaves me...or something to that effect when i told him i nearly lost control yesterday after our fight. although what i meant by lost control was to book an air ticket and fly back to sg,there's a part of me that knows he would never believe me..even if i told him so.
i am perching on the edge of breaking down again. when just a couple of days ago,i finally took a couple of steps away from that edge,here i am,balancing precariously on the brink of falling over the cliff of distress.
when i woke up this morning,i saw the bright blue sky and a song started playing in my head...
"why does the sun go on shining? why does the sea wash to shore? dun they know it's the end of the world,cos u dun love me anymore.
why do the birds go on singing? why do the stars glow above? dun they know it's the end of the world. it ended when i lost ur love.
i wake up in the morning and i wonder, why everything is the same as it was.
i can't understand.no,i can't understand how life goes on the way it does.
why does my heart go on beating?why do these eyes of mine cry? dun they know it's the end of the world.it ended when u said goodbye."
right now,i dun even know if i've lost him.i dun know what he's thinking..if he's still mad at me..if we are still together.i'm left hanging in the middle of nowhere, pondering and wondering what is going on.
maybe one day,when the melbourne skies become gloomy again,i would start to realise what i have to do to make things right. or maybe one day,i would be able to ignore the huge gaping wound in my heart and try to lead a normal life. maybe one day,i would be able to look at myself in the mirror and not burst out crying.
my mum told me it's not the end of the world.if the worst does happen,i would be in pain...there would be tears and sorrow...but i would emerge from the agony and sadness eventually.
perhaps it's not the end of THE world...but it certainly feel like it's the end of MY world.
so while the rest of melbourne is enjoying the sunshine in their world,i am caught in a raging thunderstorm in my world.
i am consumed in a battle between right and wrong,regret and anger.
i no longer know what is right and what is wrong.no longer clear who's at fault.
i regret throwing a tantrum.i regret making a gigantic mess out of a tiny incident.
i am angry at myself for being so idiotic.for being so moronic.for being such a baby.
one part of me is screaming "call him!!make things right again!!" and the other part is yelling "dun call him!! u'll only make things worse!!"
and from the 2 phone calls i made to him after our fight yesterday,i have to agree with the latter part of me. all i do on the phone is to become clingy and sobbing and basically a pathetic mess. giving him the idea that i would kill myself if he leaves me...or something to that effect when i told him i nearly lost control yesterday after our fight. although what i meant by lost control was to book an air ticket and fly back to sg,there's a part of me that knows he would never believe me..even if i told him so.
i am perching on the edge of breaking down again. when just a couple of days ago,i finally took a couple of steps away from that edge,here i am,balancing precariously on the brink of falling over the cliff of distress.
when i woke up this morning,i saw the bright blue sky and a song started playing in my head...
"why does the sun go on shining? why does the sea wash to shore? dun they know it's the end of the world,cos u dun love me anymore.
why do the birds go on singing? why do the stars glow above? dun they know it's the end of the world. it ended when i lost ur love.
i wake up in the morning and i wonder, why everything is the same as it was.
i can't understand.no,i can't understand how life goes on the way it does.
why does my heart go on beating?why do these eyes of mine cry? dun they know it's the end of the world.it ended when u said goodbye."
right now,i dun even know if i've lost him.i dun know what he's thinking..if he's still mad at me..if we are still together.i'm left hanging in the middle of nowhere, pondering and wondering what is going on.
maybe one day,when the melbourne skies become gloomy again,i would start to realise what i have to do to make things right. or maybe one day,i would be able to ignore the huge gaping wound in my heart and try to lead a normal life. maybe one day,i would be able to look at myself in the mirror and not burst out crying.
my mum told me it's not the end of the world.if the worst does happen,i would be in pain...there would be tears and sorrow...but i would emerge from the agony and sadness eventually.
perhaps it's not the end of THE world...but it certainly feel like it's the end of MY world.
so while the rest of melbourne is enjoying the sunshine in their world,i am caught in a raging thunderstorm in my world.
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