my self-esteem has hit a record low. reflecting on my past is not bringing back any happy memories...just painful incidents which prove what a failure i have become.
some people have boring childhoods and then party like crazy when they are adolescents. some people have happening childhoods and adolescent years...some people have fun-filled childhood and almost non-existent adolescent years.
i belong to category three. my childhood was filled with days of catching, zero-points, monkey bars and tree climbing. i was one of the star dancers for my primary school's chinese dance troupe. i was confident. i was proud of my dancing skills and that i am in the EM1 stream.
then,i left primary school and as i enter my secondary school years,my self-confidence left me.i went into NCC and i thot i was good...until i din get any marksmanship for any of my shooting tests. sure,my grades remained above average...but cos of that,i got isolated from the rest of my peers. i was officially classified as "NERD".
after being isolated for 4 years in RV,i got into HCJC.my dream JC..and i was determined to shed the NERD image and have FUN. i was successful for 3 months. i felt good...i felt like i belonged...until i joined chinese dance...that was when i realised that my dancing skills have left me when my confidence took off from me. and if it was possible,any bit of self esteem left in me packed up and left too. once again,i was back to my NERD image. everyone thot i just run back home to study after school everyday. they thot my kind of fun was to read a textbook. they thot i was boring. and somewhere along the way,i gave up trying to prove that i know how to have fun too. that i wanna join them when they catch a movie or play pool.
then,i came to melbourne. whole new country...whole new batch of people...and once again,i tried to shed that NERD image. but the dream of being treated as a NORMAL person went down the drain when i was officially announced to be on the dean's list. once again,i was classfied as "boring and geeky". and i guess after so many years of being in that classification,i got immuned to it...and i just left it.
but right now,i feel so useless. sure enough,i get good grades in school..but is that all i am capable of? sadly,the reality seem to be pointing to a big fat "YES". i am totally uncoordinated, i can't dance..i can't sing...i can't draw...i am not good at any sports (good being defined as "able to get into a school team")...i am not pretty...i am NOTHING!
so,i get good grades..which probably would get me a good job...but is that what life is about? i dun think so. when other people had been out and about, getting medals in sports or having fun clubbing, i was stuck at home (not reading textbooks)..wondering why am i always left out of the fun? just because i am apparently clever means i cannot have the same kind of fun? am i that BORING?
i dun need to be an all rounder...because only special people get to be all rounders. i just wish i am good at something else besides studying.if i get to be good at something else, i dun mind my grades being average.
in fact,i just wanna be an average girl. not a 'smart-ass who doesn't know how to have fun' or 'nerd who goes home to read textbooks' or 'ugly gal who dunno how to dress up'...i wanna be like any other girl in society. i dun wanna stand out above the rest and get isolated...i wanna do the stuff that any other girls do too...i wanna blend into the crowd...i dun wanna be classified into the NERD category...it's cold and lonely being in that category.
is there gonna be chance that i can crawl my way out of that group? perhaps...and if i dun,i'm just gonna grow old and die with NERD engraved on my tombstone.
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