6 years have passed...

6 years ago...on this day, I stepped into the PT office for the first time. At that time, being the most junior in the department means being taken care of...being looked after...until the next most junior person joins the department (which was just 1 week later)...

Ah, to look back on that day...the day when my hopes were high and dreams were wild...back then, I never once thought I would start the countdown to today...because I thought this was where I wanted to be (except for the fact that I won't get to specialize in paediatrics)

And then...the disillusionment sets in...

As I start to have to do things which I don't like to do but have to do, as my dreams start to drift further and further away until I start downgrading them so that at least, I still have a dream...as a hopeful junior transforms into a cynical senior...everything changed...I can't remember when it exactly started...just that somewhere along the way, on 11 Jan, I started to count down to today...

And when my wrist injury started, just when I was finding a new niche in NeuroRehab...just when some of those hopes and dreams returned...it was like a second crash back to the harshness of life: unfair. Too unfair!

I've been on light duty since June 2009...that's 2.5 years! I endured a full year of admin duty...from trying to like it to trying to not hate it...I start to despise myself, and I start to doubt my own ability as a PT...by the end of that 1 year, I hated myself. Although things did pick up slowly, as I start to find back some of my PT identity, I have changed so much that I can't appreciate the person I've become.

My light duty status becomes a heavy burden on me, a burden which I wish I can get rid of...yet there is just too much factors, too much 'red tape'...I can't resume full clinical duty, no matter if I am on light duty or not...then...why, why am I still a PT?

Today, I finish serving my 6 years bond.
Today, I regained freedom...
Today, I should be happy and glad that I am now sort-of a free agent...
I am no longer bound to any place which I do not care to stay...

Yet, all I feel...is a sense of loss...
and also the feeling of being lost...

Where do I go?
Stay?
Leave?

What do I do?
Ask for resumption of full duty?
Continue with light duty?

Who do I turn to for help?
...
...
...
No one...

So much uncertainty..
So little empathy..

~finally free...yet still completely trapped~