好久没有开怀大笑了。

今天，我终于做到无忧无虑地笑。

明天，也许不会。

但至少，我知道，其实我还做得到。

如果可以，让我永远记得今天。

当有一天因为衰老而忘记了很多很多，我希望我还记得这一天。

有这样的回忆，就算不能开怀大笑，也能逗自己微微笑。

那样，记忆衰退的日子，会比较容易过吧。

谢谢妳们，让我几个钟头是没有烦恼的。

仿佛回到了当初刚踏入社会的我，没有顾虑，只有当下的喜怒哀乐。

现在，带着快乐的心情，享受着暂时的好心情。

我想，今晚我应该可以睡得好，也梦得好。

其实，今天是很开心的一天，因为医生给了我好消息。
他说我星期一可以回去上班了。
虽然只是做文工(administrative duties),但我还是满安慰的。

可是，在医院的某个走廊，我看到了一个熟悉的身影。

他，曾经在我最烦恼时，给我很多鼓励，也成了我当时的支柱。
他，曾经在我被病人气得要崩溃时，逗我笑，让我期待每天的那一个钟头。
他，曾经为了保护病人和我，自己差一点旧伤复发。
他，曾经是我最知心的朋友之一。

现在，却连打招呼都没有。
虽然我告诉自己要随缘，缘尽了，就要放手...
可是，我一直无法释怀的，是为什么当我主动联络他，他却依旧拒人于千里之外？

音讯全无，我也就罢了。
可是，常常在别人的Facebook status 上，看到他的留言。

被遗弃了吗？
被否决了吗？

不知道，只觉得从见到他的身影后，心就一直隐隐作痛。
只因为失去了一个很好的朋友，因为莫名其妙地，就没有了。

今晚，在Facebook看到高中同学的婚宴照片里，那些好熟悉的脸孔。
心里一直不断的问自己，为什么我不在？
那段日子，我都没有在任何人的心里，留下一丝的痕迹。

仔细想想，我的朋友，有谁？
都是现在的同事，和几位大学时代的‘哥们’。

突然之间，好孤单。
忽然之间，好彷徨。

别人轻而易举就在我的生命里，刻下了无法磨灭的烙印。
而我，却是别人生命中的一朵小白云，来无影，去无踪。

突然间，好想一个人。
一个人去一个没有别人的地方。
一个人到一个没有期待的国度。
一个人，我和我自己。

不是因为要逃避，而是想让自己学会面对。
在一个人的时候，没有别人的情况，缺点越突出，我才有能力去面对。
否则，在别人的‘熏陶’下，缺点被隐盖着，我反而裹足不前。

如果手没有受伤，我应该会自己一个人去旅行。
离开，让我心情可以真的平静下来，让我真的可以痛快地哭，尽情地笑。
可是，现在我不行。
至少，熊猫不会让我走。
父母也会担心。
也许我可以很自私，可是，为何要让关心我的人难过?
而在这样的情形下‘失踪’，我想我也静不下来吧。
毕竟，担心别人好像是我的致命伤。
不管自己多累、多痛、多难熬，还是硬把别人的问题扛到自己身上。

或许因为我掩饰得很好，脆弱好像不属于我的一部分。
没有人真的可以明白另一个人，也没有人可以体会到别人的感受。
也许‘深有同感’，但还是不一样的。
更何况连我自己都不明白自己，如何去要求别人了解我呢？

有时候，想要像个小女生撒娇、任性、放纵。
却顾虑太多而办不到。
有时候，想要放手让别人自己顾自己。
却担心太多而越帮越忙。
有时候，想要忽视所有的对与错。
却计较太多而更注意。

活在矛盾中，心情很难平平淡淡地。
不要想的时候，偏偏有人问长问短。
要想的时候，又偏偏有别的问题要解决。

一个人，说得多么简单。
现在，当我一个人坐在电脑前，思绪却是在为别人而无法平复。
那些可以‘一个人生活’的人，好像很幸福哦。
而那些可以不需要‘一个人’的人，好像更幸福。

像我这种，想一个人却办不到，想不要一个人也办不到的，也许是人类最失败的‘种族’了。

the scary thing about having close friends is how much they resemble each other...
and how i much i resemble them...
and from the resemblance, i see the weaknesses in myself, the strengths in myself...
i see the the truth, the whole truth...and nothing but the truth...

the ugly truth...

the worst thing about truths is, we don't like them.
we try to work our way around it...some eventually accept it, others continue to run from it.

i discovered alot of truth about myself in one night...
and it was alot to assimilate...
probably because i really don't like most of what i discovered...

but life so far has taught me that if i work my way around it, it'll haunt me forever.
so i just have to face it head-on.

it'll hurt, but it'll pass.

paradigms have shifted.
while i hold on strongly to what i believe in, perhaps alot of my views are too extreme and biased.

if i can, i want to learn to not care.
if i don't care, i won't get emotional about it.
if i don't need to care, i don't need to feel.

but of course, learning not to care is impossible.
because i'm a homo sapien

and so, rather than learning not to care...
i'll have to deal with the ugly truth that when i care, i am going to get hurt.
and when i get hurt, i am going to retaliate.
and when i retaliate, i hurt someone else.
and because i care, when i hurt someone else, i'll hurt even more.

*ouch*

once upon a time, i live in my shell and isolated myself,
because back then, i thought this would be the way around the ugly truth...
i don't want to get hurt, therefore i hide.

now, i face it with reluctance and shame
i cannot undo what i have done.
i can only stop doing it.

if i can't stop caring, i can only stop retaliating.
and how am i going to achieve that?

perhaps when i was that shy Nobody living in her shell, i was running away from caring for others.
but now, i hope to protect myself and others from my poisonous tongue and mind.
i will care from inside here, but my retaliation will be lost in the echoes of my own little world.

~construction in progress~

one thing i have not learnt...is to keep my mouth shut.
actually, more like when to keep my mouth shut.

i dun think i've ever fought with a gal-friend so badly before...
perhaps, i see alot of myself in her
or rather, i see alot of my-previous-self in her...
and therefore i thought i can try to make things better.

i'm wrong.
who on earth did i think i am? what gave me the right to dump my own beliefs and experience on someone else?
she's right. i never experienced what she did, and therefore i have no place to tell her what i think she should do.
if i could, i'll stop talking when the conversation was about simpler things like shopping...

but 'if' never happens, so i cannot take back all the words i'd said
and now, i feel like i've hit rock bottom, with 100 feet of crap above that rock, for upsetting her
especially when she already has so much on her plate, i dunno why i went on and on and on...

将心比心，如果我有一个像我这样的所谓朋友，我也会很气吧。
也许，我根本不会更我这样的人做朋友。
嚣张、自以为是，烂透了!

the 'sorry' sms i sent is far from enough...she'll probably get angrier cos if i'm gonna say sorry, why did i even say anything in the first place?!
i know i've crossed the line and breached the boundary that was silently set between friends about what to say and what not to say...
knowing all these...being aware of what a b***h i was...i dun think i can ever forgive myself...

she may never read this, it'll probably not make her feel better if she does read it, i still have to say it.

I AM SO SORRY! SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY!!!

To whoever is up there judging me:
may i be cursed with frequent sore throats and loss of voice so that i can bring less harm and viciousness into this already very cruel reality.

~gretel=pure evil~

growing up...
ah..the pain and disillusionment that comes after the excitement and anticipation
but we all go through it...in fact, most of us are still going through it...

i've always wondered what makes a person grow up...
personally, i felt i grew up the most during my JC and overseas studies.

the 2 years in JC opened the doors to so many possibilities denied during sec school..
even things as simple as piercing my ears (yes, i got them pierced at 16 years old) and growing long hair...
then first time putting on contacts, wearing braces blah blah blah
and there were family factors too...to sum up, i had to do help out with a fair bit of house-stuff while trying to score As, not flunk GP, get S papers and not flunk them, and finally to get a scholarship...
i grew up alot...probably accumulated all that was supposed to be done so in sec school years in the 2 years of JC life...
the 2 years in Hwa Chong were possibly my happiest days after PSLE...

then 4 years in melbourne, albeit frequently 'interrupted' with vacations in sunny Singapura, accelerated the growing process...of course, LDR played a major role in shaping who i have become...
first need to learn to take care of myself, my apartment, my studies...
then gradually learning to take care of others...then learning that others can take care of themselves
learning to live with a housemate...
learning to plan road trips (ok, not plan..more like not be a hindrance on road trips)..
learning to have fun...first time clubbing, first time ski-ing, first time watching footy
learning to get over heartbreak...
learning to pour my heart out to my parents (esp my mum)
learning to cope with expectations...disappointments
i learnt alot...grew alot...all these i brought back with me and into my first 'official' job

of course, i've grown a fair bit since starting work...

i've learnt that sometimes my best is just not enough (but hey, that's my best so no regrets) and sometimes, what i think is not enough is more than sufficient (pleasant surprise!)

i am still learning how to apply empathy in a clinical setting...and then hopefully to my personal life

i've figured out that every job holds its pros and cons, risks and benefits...and i've learnt to accept the cons and focus on the pros; reap the benefits and try to avoid the risks...

and so many more lessons i've learnt...mostly in the (very very) hard way...

but today, i wonder if people go through the same kind of growth?
of course not...cos we have different lives and therefore different kinds of experience
so....
how do we know if it's time to 'prod prod' and say 'grow up!'
when is the right time to sit and listen to woes, when is the right time to snap your fingers and tell them 'wake up! grow up! this is life!'

unfortunately, my patience seem to be rather lacking these days..
sometimes, i just want to snap at somebody when that person is not making sense/being childish/refusing to grow up...

but right now...
as i sit here and reflect on my own journey...
i wonder...
am i even qualified to say "GROW UP"?
have i grown up enough to be 'speaking words of wisdom', especially to my peers...?

something for me to ponder about...
for the next 2 weeks of HL...

~right wrist is not sore...or so i try to convince myself~

星期天，是很多人的休息日。
忙忙碌碌的日子，到了这一天，大家或许都是同样的念头：
“我要尽量休息、放松，因为明天要开工了！”
很用力地想休息的我们，结果都因为太努力休息而更疲倦。
结果，星期天过了，星期一来了。
忙碌的日子，继续着。

人生，何尝不是这样？
当我们越用力想要捉住某个感觉、时间、对方，往往都两败俱伤。
最后，只留下了失望和幻灭。

很多人问过我，为什么我要这么消极、悲观。
因为我这短短的20+年里，我看到了太多的空欢喜，尝到了太多的失望。
曾经懵懂的我，也想要紧紧握住现在的幸福，不迟疑、不放手、不后悔。
后来才发现，当我用力地想抓住现在的一切，我已经没有能力面对以后，没有办法对付从前。

好像有人告诉过我，当双手都握紧拳头，手心里只有空气。
伸手时，似乎就是要和别人对抗，不停地挥舞着拳头。
试着慢慢放松，摊开手，才能触摸到未来。

我还在学习放松自己，不要太用力地享受。
有时候，老毛病又来了，就很烦躁。
YQ 常说：既来之，则安之。
妈常说：随遇而安。
大熊猫常说：relax, it's ok.

他们，都是sanguine。
所以不明白melancholic的我为何总要皱着眉头，烦东烦西。
奇怪的是，当我想要relax时，他们（尤其是大熊猫）却常问我：what's the plan?
也许，他们已经习惯我是个管家婆。
当我不管时，他们反而不习惯了。

放了好长的假。
看着其他人都因为工作累得人仰马翻，
就有一点觉得我这次受伤，也许是塞翁失马。
好好的休息后，才发现自己其实真的好累了。
至少这段假期后，身体的状况好多了。
我终于在这段假期做到了彻底放松，不再用力。

希望这样的‘功夫’，我能学以致用。
以后放假出国游玩时，也能够玩得尽兴，而不是用力地玩。
接下来的每一个星期天，就‘随遇而安’地放松、休息吧。

sometimes, all i want is to share something funny that had happened...
it could be 'haha' funny
or 'what the' funny
or 'i can't believe it' funny

but i guess, my sense of humour is not mainstream...
so whatever i find funny, other people may not think so...

sometimes, i prefer to give others the benefit of doubt...
not because i am nice or naive,
just because i am trying to learn to trust.
also learning to look at the positive traits of human nature...
that other people are capable of sharing and caring without ulterior motives.

perhaps, i am being naive...
maybe, i just want to pretend that THAT is the case...
what i do know is...
by focusing on the 'motives', i negate the the positive traits..
which isn't fair to the person...
innocent until proven guilty.

and sometimes, i just don't want to waste the effort in trying to prove innocence or guilt.
time will tell...
innocence will not be tainted by wild guesses.
guilt will not be obscured by perfect lies.

at least, this is what i thought...

i guess i can take offense at a lot of things other people say or do.
in fact, i do take things at a very personal level.
and because i do that, it has caused me hurt and anger, frustration and sadness more often than i dare to admit
which is why i am trying to learn to trust myself and others...
learning to believe that some actions and words are out of pure goodwill...
learning to take some things at face value...
learning to say 'thank you', instead of 'why? Why? WHY?'
learning to say 'sorry', instead of 'but...But...BUT'

at least, this is what i thought i am trying to do...

or is it that i am actually holing myself up in a little bubble called denial?

my guess?

time will tell...
just that i may not be around to see the answer...to listen to 'i told u so'..or to say 'i told u so'

~crying kaki to the rescue~