again and again...
a recurring nightmare...
happening in reality...
living in a time loop...
unable to escape...
at the end of it...
fearing the start of the beginning...
in the midst of it...
hoping for the end to come...
yet it's walking in a circle...
trying to find the start of the circle...
but one point leads to another...
in a downward spiral...
to another realm, another time...
back to 9 years ago...
the days of being isolated...
the days of facing it all by myself...
in a corner...
crying, sobbing, picking up the pieces...
walking out, clearing the mess...
reading notes, trying to study for my O's, my A's...
it felt so long ago...
yet the pain is still so fresh...

if i walk away, will the pain disappear?
if i stay, is there going to be an end?

dun wanna be in a corner anymore...
no more strength to dry my own tears...
dun wanna cry myself to sleep..
no more strength to face the day...

it hurts too much to say it out...
it stings too much to keep it in...
at a lost...
nowhere to run, to hide...
just want it be over...
for good..
forever...

“如果相遇感到相知，那么有一种习惯叫陪伴。

如果陪伴感到珍惜，那么有一种甜蜜叫存在。

如果存在感到压力，那么有一种善良叫离开。

如果离开感到轻松，那么有一种勇敢叫放弃。”



人，放弃后留下的是伤痕。

伤痕好了，就没有痛了。

所以，我轻松了。

感情，放弃后留下的是回忆。

回忆，却不离不弃。 成为了我的过去的一部分。

在多的勇气，我想我也挣脱不了。

要开始一段感情，要多少的力量？

要放弃一段感情，要多少的勇气？

我当时有力量开始，却没有勇气去结束。

一拖再拖，拖垮了自己，浪费了时间。

遗留下来的残局，是用多少的泪水才清理干净？



当我离开的那一天，我是想要被挽留吗？

是不是因为挽留来得太晚，所以我选择了放弃？

又或许，我是真的没有力量再维持下去，所以我离开了？



那一天，是两年三个月又十天前。

这一天，好多的问号还是没有解答。

陪我走下去的，是过去的回忆。

记忆中的甜蜜，是我继续寻找另一段感情的动力。

回忆中的苦楚，是我犹豫开始另一段感情的阻力。

其实我只是在自寻烦恼。

因为不管有再大的动力，缺了缘分，

另一段感情，只是我的一场梦。

suddenly, i thought of my old blog name...
'disillusioned'
cos that is how i feel..
how i felt...
(and i hope not)
wat i will be feeling for some time...

back to the days when everyone is still pia-ing for o levels and a levels...
and searching for a something to study in uni..
i was already pretty sure wat i wanna do..
even though, up till now, i have no idea why i wanted to be what i am today...
somehow, i like the hospital environment to work in...
and i like the idea that my work allows me to move around in the building..
not at my desk all day...nor running around the whole island...

and i guess..
the fact that i get to help people to regain function, improve mobility...
that makes me tell the interviewers at my PSC scholarship interview
"so, why don't u go into research and find a cure for, say stroke?"
"it'll take years to find a cure (if there's any). i'd want to be the one helping those waiting for the cure, instead of the one finding the cure"
or...i think i said something like that..
which i believe is the line that makes them gimme the scholarship..

getting the scholarship...was a dream come true..
it was exactly how i wanted it to happen..
go to hwa chong, do s papers, get scholarship, study physio, come back and help the community...

but i guess..
the 5 months of TA-ing at AH...
did not open my eyes enough to the reality that i am living in today..

5.5 yrs ago..
i thought my dream came true..

yet the reality today..
just become a recurring nightmare...
okie, maybe not nightmare..
just a recurring bad dream..

not everyone wants to be helped..
and many of them want to be left alone..
they don't see the point of getting up and about...
when they are feeling ill and weak
and seriously pissed that this 'little girl' is trying to drag them out of bed...

i coaxed...i advised...sometimes, i had to resort to scare tactics...
"if u stay in bed longer, u're gonna get pressure areas/chest infection/lose your strength...then cannot go home!"
"just a little bit..walk a bit then let u come back to bed ok?"
"it's good for you to be up and let your wound get use to the movement, so it's easier for you to regain your mobility"
in various languages...
hokkien, mandarin, malay, english...broken cantonese...

most of the time..
it works..
but the few times it doesn't...
i get shouted at, screamed at...in various languages and vulgarities...
i get punched, kicked, pinched, slapped...at various parts of my body...

and after 1 year 6 months and 1 day of being a physio...
i really really really wonder...
is this wat i wanna do..
for the next 10 years of my life?

another dream of mine..
has sort of gone down the drain...
think my luck ran out after i got the scholarship..
or maybe my good karma ran out...

like a ship lost in storm..
tossed, and almost sunken...
each day is becoming a struggle...
each night is a fight to keep the tears away...
each morning brings a new bout of despair and distress...

wanna go back to the days when i was just a little girl..
when my ideal life is study, work, get married and live happily ever after...

the little girl in me...
is wondering where have all her toys gone to...
where are the hugs she used to get..
where are the times when she can come out and play..

suddenly have the urge to buy myself a big big stuff toy...
and the urge to just bawl my eyes out...

i wanna tell myself..
that it's ok...
that i dun really care...

but it's not ok..
and i really do care..
that i dun like who i have become..
and i dunno how to find my way back inside my heart...