suddenly, i thought of my old blog name...
'disillusioned'
cos that is how i feel..
how i felt...
(and i hope not)
wat i will be feeling for some time...

back to the days when everyone is still pia-ing for o levels and a levels...
and searching for a something to study in uni..
i was already pretty sure wat i wanna do..
even though, up till now, i have no idea why i wanted to be what i am today...
somehow, i like the hospital environment to work in...
and i like the idea that my work allows me to move around in the building..
not at my desk all day...nor running around the whole island...

and i guess..
the fact that i get to help people to regain function, improve mobility...
that makes me tell the interviewers at my PSC scholarship interview
"so, why don't u go into research and find a cure for, say stroke?"
"it'll take years to find a cure (if there's any). i'd want to be the one helping those waiting for the cure, instead of the one finding the cure"
or...i think i said something like that..
which i believe is the line that makes them gimme the scholarship..

getting the scholarship...was a dream come true..
it was exactly how i wanted it to happen..
go to hwa chong, do s papers, get scholarship, study physio, come back and help the community...

but i guess..
the 5 months of TA-ing at AH...
did not open my eyes enough to the reality that i am living in today..

5.5 yrs ago..
i thought my dream came true..

yet the reality today..
just become a recurring nightmare...
okie, maybe not nightmare..
just a recurring bad dream..

not everyone wants to be helped..
and many of them want to be left alone..
they don't see the point of getting up and about...
when they are feeling ill and weak
and seriously pissed that this 'little girl' is trying to drag them out of bed...

i coaxed...i advised...sometimes, i had to resort to scare tactics...
"if u stay in bed longer, u're gonna get pressure areas/chest infection/lose your strength...then cannot go home!"
"just a little bit..walk a bit then let u come back to bed ok?"
"it's good for you to be up and let your wound get use to the movement, so it's easier for you to regain your mobility"
in various languages...
hokkien, mandarin, malay, english...broken cantonese...

most of the time..
it works..
but the few times it doesn't...
i get shouted at, screamed at...in various languages and vulgarities...
i get punched, kicked, pinched, slapped...at various parts of my body...

and after 1 year 6 months and 1 day of being a physio...
i really really really wonder...
is this wat i wanna do..
for the next 10 years of my life?

another dream of mine..
has sort of gone down the drain...
think my luck ran out after i got the scholarship..
or maybe my good karma ran out...

like a ship lost in storm..
tossed, and almost sunken...
each day is becoming a struggle...
each night is a fight to keep the tears away...
each morning brings a new bout of despair and distress...

wanna go back to the days when i was just a little girl..
when my ideal life is study, work, get married and live happily ever after...

the little girl in me...
is wondering where have all her toys gone to...
where are the hugs she used to get..
where are the times when she can come out and play..

suddenly have the urge to buy myself a big big stuff toy...
and the urge to just bawl my eyes out...

i wanna tell myself..
that it's ok...
that i dun really care...

but it's not ok..
and i really do care..
that i dun like who i have become..
and i dunno how to find my way back inside my heart...