My HL is ending...30 Aug 2010 will be my return-to-work date.

And suddenly, I am gripped by a fear to return to work! Because I am very scared that I will not know what to do...and also, it seems like everyone is handling very well without me anyway, so what kind of difference am I going to make by going back to work?

It's the same kind of feeling I had in March this year...
that I am obsolete, redundant, useless...
that I am a burden to my colleagues...to my friends...to my family
that I am just another organism on this planet...taking up space and using up precious oxygen and contributing to global warming with the carbon dioxide I breathe out...

I've fallen into a pattern of not doing anything, feeling guilty about not doing anything, try to find something to do and still not able to find anything to do...
Pretty much limited by the fact that I only have 1 fully functional upper limb
Want to help with household chores? Can't.
Want to go shopping? Can't.
Want to go for a jog/cycling/swimming? Can't.
Want to do some work so I feel less overwhelmed when I go back to work? Nothing that comes to my mind.

So I end up reading far too many trashy novels and watching  康熙来了 episodes which I've missed...
At the same time accumulating enough fats until I cant fit into my jeans, skirts and pants...

My self-esteem dipped to an all time low when I find myself with a wardrobe full of clothes that USED TO fit me...and I can't even console myself that at least then I have reason to go shopping for new clothes because I HATE shopping...

So now I am a redundant organism taking up more space and using up more oxygen with nothing to contribute to society except worsen global warming...

Okay...enough self-pity
My action plan for the 1 week before I go back to work is:

1) Start exercising: jogging, stair climbing etc within the limits of wearing a splint
2) Start dieting: reduce carbo, increase protein and to get as close to eliminating fats as humanly possible
3) Start getting work stuff ready: ironing++, shopping for new shoes and KIV new clothes

Hopefully once I go back to work, I will have enough work to keep my mind occupied so I can stop thinking about my redundancy...

And hopefully the training for half-marathon (Stand-chart run) will help me to regain some self-esteem as I start to shape up and lose the dreaded flabbiness...

And by end of the year (31 Dec 2010), I must:
1) Fit back into my jeans and pants
2) Lose at least 1 inch off each thigh, 2 inches off my waist
3) Maintain my exercise plan after stand-chart run: at least 1x jogging (>3km), 1x stair climb (25 storeys), 1x swimming

And YOU, who is reading this and therefore is either my friend or family, please help me by reminding me about my diet and my exercise plan. Please don't let me slack off, no matter what kind of crappy reasons I give you...Thank you thank you!! =)

today is my last n-u-a day...tomorrow onwards will be the start of my 'return to work program'

wish me luck...

感触良多，已经好一段日子了。
有时候很酸，有时候很淡。
有时候很庆幸，有时候很羡慕。
有时候很负气，有时候很祝福。

刚刚发现的那一瞬间，没有晴天霹雳，只觉得自己的一颗心一直往下掉。
突然整个人空空的，然后慢慢地，酸和苦的滋味在嘴里蔓延开
（有一点像吐完胆汁后，苦苦涩涩的滋味）
可是脑袋一直空白着，心情也跟着跌入了沮丧中。
莫名其妙地就会发火，无缘无故就会流泪。

也不知道何时才可以解开自己的心结。
可能因为心中很不明白当初是败在哪里，
还是因为也许我就是个输不起的人？

嗯，其实不是我输了，而是自己的判断错误。
更明显的，是缘分到此为止，可是我却还没有接受自己不属于那个世界。
不是会员，就享受不到福利一样。

现在，
继续自言自语，自我开解，希望有一天，心结开了。