define "lying" please, somebody?
cos i think i've been lied to far too often these days, so much so that i am wondering if i have a different definition for telling a lie.
ok, maybe not alot of ppl have been telling me lies, but recently,i've had alot of "something's-come-up-last-min-sorry-i-cannot-make-it" crap. wat's with the sudden emergencies/can't-get-out-of situations?!
or maybe cos it's me...?
argh, dunno lah. feeling damn lousy. wat should have been a good sat is totally ruined. i am Pissed Off. and no amount of gelati or chips is going to make me feel better.
oh,must give special mention to dearest Dreamy who treated me to gelati yesterday (for no apparent reason...she must like me alot.haha) THANK YOU!!!!!!
i hate feeling so angry and upset. everytime i get mad, i feel like crying. and i've finally managed to stop crying for the past 3 nights. i dun want to start again. crying makes my eyes swell and throb, and not to mention the SOB and hiccups that follow. ARGH!! damn this tears flowing down my cheeks...*hic**sob*
craving for a comforting shoulder...sometimes, when i am this upset, i wish i am a kid and can just bawl my eyes out without feeling guilty. most of the times, i just wish i am never born so i can stop suffering and bringing misery to the other human beings.
i miss bodystep.
actually, i miss bodystep by Di, the hyper-energetic instructress who makes me wanna jump as high as i can. and i have no idea why she is no longer at the melb uni sports centre. *sob*
but, i do need exercise. and since badminton is nowhere in sight (sadness...), i hit the pathetic gym at university place. pathetic because it only has an ancient stationary bike, 6-7 pieces of gym equipment and a non-functional spa.
suddenly missing the CS gym - treadmills, modern stationary bikes, mats, dozen pieces of gym equipment.
still, gotta make do with watever i have now. so, 30 mins on the bike (with jay chou singing to me from my earphones...), 2x20reps on almost every single upper limb gym equipment (with jay chou still singing to me
) then back to my room for crunches and push-ups. i can foresee aching muscles from head to toe tomorrow. 
the hot shower after my "workout" helps abit though. now feeling lethargic and looking forward to dinner with HZGG
...the small amounts of endorphins released is circulating through my fuzzy brain, making me smile at my laptop screen. geez, i must look like an idiot now.
ahhh, i miss exercising. now with theory block, i should try and exercise more regularly. better keep burning more fats before i lose my current figure to excessive winter binge-ing. *yawn* and hopefully, exercising would mean i get better sleep at night. been having weird creepy dreams lately...freaking me out. then i'd wake up feeling like i've not slept in about a million years. *yawn*
aiyez! germaine is back...i guess no HZGG then. awww....
actually, i miss bodystep by Di, the hyper-energetic instructress who makes me wanna jump as high as i can. and i have no idea why she is no longer at the melb uni sports centre. *sob*
but, i do need exercise. and since badminton is nowhere in sight (sadness...), i hit the pathetic gym at university place. pathetic because it only has an ancient stationary bike, 6-7 pieces of gym equipment and a non-functional spa.
suddenly missing the CS gym - treadmills, modern stationary bikes, mats, dozen pieces of gym equipment.still, gotta make do with watever i have now. so, 30 mins on the bike (with jay chou singing to me from my earphones...), 2x20reps on almost every single upper limb gym equipment (with jay chou still singing to me
) then back to my room for crunches and push-ups. i can foresee aching muscles from head to toe tomorrow. the hot shower after my "workout" helps abit though. now feeling lethargic and looking forward to dinner with HZGG
...the small amounts of endorphins released is circulating through my fuzzy brain, making me smile at my laptop screen. geez, i must look like an idiot now.ahhh, i miss exercising. now with theory block, i should try and exercise more regularly. better keep burning more fats before i lose my current figure to excessive winter binge-ing. *yawn* and hopefully, exercising would mean i get better sleep at night. been having weird creepy dreams lately...freaking me out. then i'd wake up feeling like i've not slept in about a million years. *yawn*
aiyez! germaine is back...i guess no HZGG then. awww....
i had a wonderful night. even though my last day at Austin did not end the way i hoped it would, even though i was upset and tearing on my way home from Austin, the day ended well.
came back, showered and changed before meeting gin down at her place. i was wearing my new Supre blue top, and it was tight. the kind which i would not dare to wear a year ago cos of all the flabs. now, well,i still have flabs, but less obvious. so wearing that top makes me feel slim...wuahahaha!
then, went to meet XD at Europa, before heading off to Lygon for dinner. Lygon Street would always be my fav street in Melbourne, probably cos i spent 3 years in CS and that street just have to many happy memories associated with my stay at CS. Went to Papa Gino's for pizza/pasta, and it was yummilicious. Gin was all excited about her alcohol-planning fiasco for her bday celebration, and telling us about her bday wish list. Meanwhile, XD was educating us abt the importance of good earphones. me? i just sat there and listened, glad to be having these 2 wonderful ppl for company.
after dinner, three of us head down to the new KokoBlack at Lygon. OMG, they have the cutest chocolate chicken there！！
hmm..pic abit small, cannot see the chicken..but it's really very very very cute!!and i really wish i can have one just for display (not gonna eat it cos i am no choc lover and it's TOO pretty to eat). and the choc bunnies are so adorable too! sighz.
anywayz, gin just had KokoBlack this afternoon, and i was too full from dinner to eat dessert (FYI, i am not a dessert person too...), so only XD ordered something called "cream brulee" (dunno how to spell..sorry...). while waiting for his dessert to come, the three of us took photos. i am having a good hair day, and since good hair days come about once every few months for me, i wanted to make full use of the opportunity to have more pics of me not looking like Lion King.
sadly, i din look nice in the photos. i can't even look good on a good hair day, i must look like crap on a bad hair day...
anyway, we sat there for over an hour, just chatting. and i feel at ease with them, and really really comforted by their presence. although i wasn't in the best of moods, i enjoyed myself thoroughly. and i really look forward to the next time we go out again.
to Gin and XD, thank you so much for a relaxed and enjoyable evening. and Thank you for being there with me. i had fun, and i hope both of u had fun too :)
so, end of clinic block 3. theory block gonna start next monday. 5 weeks of uni, assignments and stress. and of course, physio ball and gin's bday. and hopefully, somewhere along the way, badminton and durian gelati.
came back, showered and changed before meeting gin down at her place. i was wearing my new Supre blue top, and it was tight. the kind which i would not dare to wear a year ago cos of all the flabs. now, well,i still have flabs, but less obvious. so wearing that top makes me feel slim...wuahahaha!
then, went to meet XD at Europa, before heading off to Lygon for dinner. Lygon Street would always be my fav street in Melbourne, probably cos i spent 3 years in CS and that street just have to many happy memories associated with my stay at CS. Went to Papa Gino's for pizza/pasta, and it was yummilicious. Gin was all excited about her alcohol-planning fiasco for her bday celebration, and telling us about her bday wish list. Meanwhile, XD was educating us abt the importance of good earphones. me? i just sat there and listened, glad to be having these 2 wonderful ppl for company.
after dinner, three of us head down to the new KokoBlack at Lygon. OMG, they have the cutest chocolate chicken there！！
hmm..pic abit small, cannot see the chicken..but it's really very very very cute!!and i really wish i can have one just for display (not gonna eat it cos i am no choc lover and it's TOO pretty to eat). and the choc bunnies are so adorable too! sighz.
anywayz, gin just had KokoBlack this afternoon, and i was too full from dinner to eat dessert (FYI, i am not a dessert person too...), so only XD ordered something called "cream brulee" (dunno how to spell..sorry...). while waiting for his dessert to come, the three of us took photos. i am having a good hair day, and since good hair days come about once every few months for me, i wanted to make full use of the opportunity to have more pics of me not looking like Lion King.
sadly, i din look nice in the photos. i can't even look good on a good hair day, i must look like crap on a bad hair day...
anyway, we sat there for over an hour, just chatting. and i feel at ease with them, and really really comforted by their presence. although i wasn't in the best of moods, i enjoyed myself thoroughly. and i really look forward to the next time we go out again.
to Gin and XD, thank you so much for a relaxed and enjoyable evening. and Thank you for being there with me. i had fun, and i hope both of u had fun too :)
so, end of clinic block 3. theory block gonna start next monday. 5 weeks of uni, assignments and stress. and of course, physio ball and gin's bday. and hopefully, somewhere along the way, badminton and durian gelati.
i am blogging like there is no tomorrow huh? everyday, at least one entry. did that little break of mine actually caused a sudden spurt of inspiration?!? ahh well, whatever. since case prez is just about the last thing i want to touch right now, might as well blog.
coming back to an empty apartment should have been disappointing. can still remember last year after clinics each day, trudging back to that teeny but cosy apartment 3N10. each day is concluded with a lonely dinner and too much alone time.
but today, when i opened the door and saw that germ's nike shoes were missing on the shoe rack, i was overwhelmed by a sense of relief. pls don't be mistaken. i like spending time with germ. when she is home, coming back is equally nice. but a different kind of nice. with her around, it's like "ah, got someone to talk to who isn't gonna ask me about discharge planning".
recently though, i don't feel the need to talk. probably cos the moment i open my mouth,i start whinging and whining, so much so that i think i should stop irritating people and keep my mouth shut as much as possible. and somehow, i dunno what to say to germ anymore. i seem to just tuck every single thought and feeling i have deep to the back of mind, cos..i guess whatever i am feeling isn't really all that important in the scheme of things.
quite a few people have been asking me if i am ok. most of the time, i dunno what to answer. because honestly, i dunno if i am ok. one second,i could be laughing and suan-ing people...the next, i just lapse into a silence. so whenever someone says to me,"how are you?", by reflex, i say "ok lor". which makes me feel like a big fat liar at times cos i really am NOT ok. but, i can't possibly answer,"I am terrible. i feel like crap. do you know how much i want to cry but i can't?" that would just scare the crap out of the person...or the person would just assume i am crazy and walk away...or go into a whole "counselling" session of "how to be happy when you're not"
seems like i am in a very confused state. kind of like i've lost sight of what i want or need or something..i dunno. more often than not, 'i dunno' is like the only answer i can give to most questions.
"what time do you want to eat dinner?"...i dunno
"where do you want to go?"...i dunno
"how are you?"...i dunno
"are you ok?"...i dunno
thing is, if i really dunno, that's ok. but i do know...yet,i have trouble verbalising what i really want. (it's like i have expressive dysphasia and cannot verbalise my thoughts...)
perhaps putting down in black and white is easier than saying it...so, what do i want?
(not in order of preference)
now i can see for myself what i want, i realise why i always end up saying 'i dunno'. cos too many of the things i want invite too many questions and jokes.
ok ok, let me conclude this blog with a song that has me melting into a puddle everytime i hear it...
《好想好想》
好想好想和你在一起 和你一起数天上的星星
收集春天的细雨
好想 好想 好想 好想 好想好想和你在一起
踏遍万水千山 走遍海角天涯 让每一个日子都串连成我们最美丽 最美丽的回忆
好想好想和你在一起 听你诉说古老的故事
细数你眼中的情意
好想好想和你在一起 并肩看天边的落日
并肩听林间的鸟语
coming back to an empty apartment should have been disappointing. can still remember last year after clinics each day, trudging back to that teeny but cosy apartment 3N10. each day is concluded with a lonely dinner and too much alone time.
but today, when i opened the door and saw that germ's nike shoes were missing on the shoe rack, i was overwhelmed by a sense of relief. pls don't be mistaken. i like spending time with germ. when she is home, coming back is equally nice. but a different kind of nice. with her around, it's like "ah, got someone to talk to who isn't gonna ask me about discharge planning".
recently though, i don't feel the need to talk. probably cos the moment i open my mouth,i start whinging and whining, so much so that i think i should stop irritating people and keep my mouth shut as much as possible. and somehow, i dunno what to say to germ anymore. i seem to just tuck every single thought and feeling i have deep to the back of mind, cos..i guess whatever i am feeling isn't really all that important in the scheme of things.
quite a few people have been asking me if i am ok. most of the time, i dunno what to answer. because honestly, i dunno if i am ok. one second,i could be laughing and suan-ing people...the next, i just lapse into a silence. so whenever someone says to me,"how are you?", by reflex, i say "ok lor". which makes me feel like a big fat liar at times cos i really am NOT ok. but, i can't possibly answer,"I am terrible. i feel like crap. do you know how much i want to cry but i can't?" that would just scare the crap out of the person...or the person would just assume i am crazy and walk away...or go into a whole "counselling" session of "how to be happy when you're not"
seems like i am in a very confused state. kind of like i've lost sight of what i want or need or something..i dunno. more often than not, 'i dunno' is like the only answer i can give to most questions.
"what time do you want to eat dinner?"...i dunno
"where do you want to go?"...i dunno
"how are you?"...i dunno
"are you ok?"...i dunno
thing is, if i really dunno, that's ok. but i do know...yet,i have trouble verbalising what i really want. (it's like i have expressive dysphasia and cannot verbalise my thoughts...)
perhaps putting down in black and white is easier than saying it...so, what do i want?
(not in order of preference)
- eat durian gelati this weekend
- go out for dinner with someone this thursday to celebrate the end of clinic block 3
- play badminton
- spend quality 1-1 time with my housemate
- buy a pair of jeans and/or a new belt
- go on a trip during my june break
- lose more weight without looking anorexic (ie lose the fats and keep the muscles)
- get asked out on a date (the full package...flowers, dinner, movie etc...)
- go dancing and actually be good at it...
- resume going to bodystep
- watch crown fire
- sleep well every night
- stop overeating
- have a free makeover and closet overhaul
- have non-frizzy and dry hair so everyday is a good hair day
now i can see for myself what i want, i realise why i always end up saying 'i dunno'. cos too many of the things i want invite too many questions and jokes.
ok ok, let me conclude this blog with a song that has me melting into a puddle everytime i hear it...
《好想好想》
好想好想和你在一起 和你一起数天上的星星
收集春天的细雨
好想 好想 好想 好想 好想好想和你在一起
踏遍万水千山 走遍海角天涯 让每一个日子都串连成我们最美丽 最美丽的回忆
好想好想和你在一起 听你诉说古老的故事
细数你眼中的情意
好想好想和你在一起 并肩看天边的落日
并肩听林间的鸟语
monday morning...and i am here typing a blog? yep, no clinics today cos it's ANZAC day. although i've been here for almost 4 yrs, i still have no idea wat this day is about. something to do with war veterans...i think. *shrug shoulder
this morning was chaotic. in the middle of a very enjoyable chat with Dreamy, my MSN signed out and i couldn't connect to hotmail. so i did wat i usually do - i turned off the modem.
and then, my screen showed an error message...and went blank
*panic panic panic!!!! did my comp crash?? few seconds later, the familiar TOSHIBA showed on my screen again. okie, good...comp restarting...ehh,why taking so long to load XP?!?!? argh!!
after what seems like an eternity, Windows XP finally appears. *phew* then my familiar HZGG wallpaper appears...then MSN opened...but did not sign in. WAT THE?!?!
checked my internet connection. not connected?! ok ok, deep breath in, uninstalled modem and reinstall then should be ok yah? went about the usual routine to remove software...run installation for modem......
"Windows have problem installing the modem. Installation unsuccessful." WTH..
at this point, i could hear germ talking to someone on her phone in her room (think she got woken up by her mobile...) i was frantic in my room, wondering what is happening to my beloved comp. shut down windows...boot up again...tried installing again. failed again......*sob sob* shut down my comp and let it rest. maybe it's just too pissed off at me?
then germ came and gave me the final blow for the morning: first years joining us for lunch at boxhill. wtf...how did this lunch turn into an inter-year sg students gathering?!?! i thot it was going to be a small group outing... i could feel all the vulgarities right at the tip of my tongue. now, i am not a girl who spouts the F-word. to be fustrated to that point, u can imagine i am just about to pull my hair and teeth out.
ok ok, back to my comp. iwas really at my wits ends. almost going to give a 911 call to my brother (who would kill me if i really did...). germ went out to get some stuff from safeway, so big breath in and boot up comp. retry installation....and yep, failed again! i held my head in my hands and can feel my BP rising to fatal levels...
at the edge of sanity, at the brink of breakdown...then,i remembered something on XP: system restore! oh yah, restore to a point before this whole fiasco started..maybe it would work. with trembling fingers, click on Start..click on Programs...click on accessories..click on System Tools...click on System Restore...chose restore point to 8.13pm 24/04/2005. Comp rebooted. crossed fingers..crossed toes..crossed arms..crossed legs...
re-plugged USB cable from modem to my comp
"New Hardware Detected"
went through whole process of installation...like the 6th or 7th time.
........."NetGear modem successfully installed. your new hardware is now ready to use"
moment of truth...double click MSN...click sign in...
when that circling couple finally stopped circling and the little icon in my system tray turns green, i felt like i've just climbed to the top of mount everest.
*YAYYYYYY!!!YIPPPEEEE!!! my internet is back!!
*muakz muakz to my dearez TOSHIBA laptop
moral of the story?
basic troubleshooting skills for comp problems = basic survival skills in 21st century
this morning was chaotic. in the middle of a very enjoyable chat with Dreamy, my MSN signed out and i couldn't connect to hotmail. so i did wat i usually do - i turned off the modem.
and then, my screen showed an error message...and went blank
*panic panic panic!!!! did my comp crash?? few seconds later, the familiar TOSHIBA showed on my screen again. okie, good...comp restarting...ehh,why taking so long to load XP?!?!? argh!!
after what seems like an eternity, Windows XP finally appears. *phew* then my familiar HZGG wallpaper appears...then MSN opened...but did not sign in. WAT THE?!?!
checked my internet connection. not connected?! ok ok, deep breath in, uninstalled modem and reinstall then should be ok yah? went about the usual routine to remove software...run installation for modem......
"Windows have problem installing the modem. Installation unsuccessful." WTH..
at this point, i could hear germ talking to someone on her phone in her room (think she got woken up by her mobile...) i was frantic in my room, wondering what is happening to my beloved comp. shut down windows...boot up again...tried installing again. failed again......*sob sob* shut down my comp and let it rest. maybe it's just too pissed off at me?
then germ came and gave me the final blow for the morning: first years joining us for lunch at boxhill. wtf...how did this lunch turn into an inter-year sg students gathering?!?! i thot it was going to be a small group outing... i could feel all the vulgarities right at the tip of my tongue. now, i am not a girl who spouts the F-word. to be fustrated to that point, u can imagine i am just about to pull my hair and teeth out.
ok ok, back to my comp. iwas really at my wits ends. almost going to give a 911 call to my brother (who would kill me if i really did...). germ went out to get some stuff from safeway, so big breath in and boot up comp. retry installation....and yep, failed again! i held my head in my hands and can feel my BP rising to fatal levels...
at the edge of sanity, at the brink of breakdown...then,i remembered something on XP: system restore! oh yah, restore to a point before this whole fiasco started..maybe it would work. with trembling fingers, click on Start..click on Programs...click on accessories..click on System Tools...click on System Restore...chose restore point to 8.13pm 24/04/2005. Comp rebooted. crossed fingers..crossed toes..crossed arms..crossed legs...
re-plugged USB cable from modem to my comp
"New Hardware Detected"
went through whole process of installation...like the 6th or 7th time.
........."NetGear modem successfully installed. your new hardware is now ready to use"
moment of truth...double click MSN...click sign in...
when that circling couple finally stopped circling and the little icon in my system tray turns green, i felt like i've just climbed to the top of mount everest.
*YAYYYYYY!!!YIPPPEEEE!!! my internet is back!!
*muakz muakz to my dearez TOSHIBA laptop
moral of the story?
basic troubleshooting skills for comp problems = basic survival skills in 21st century
wat do you do when you get bored with doing case prez?
i digged out my webcam/digicam, and started taking photos of myself!
decided to take a pic of me with short hair. first....
...then decided to try taking one with hair clip...
...and then with my glasses. geez...i sure look nerdy
...then tried another pose. didn't work too well huh...
and how about a different expression? ok ok, i dun look cool at all...i think jay chou would pull off such looks much nicer..haha
then, i got sick of taking pics of myself cos none of them seem to look good. so, i turned my target ot my beloved soft toys....
bday present from peiling in first year (the blue thing is a bell-thingie that supposed to hang on handphones...) isn't the bear cute?...well, cuter than me
moomba (yes yes...that's his name) easter present from germ and ken. they gave him to me at moomba, hence the name Moomba
finally, The Dog - golden retriever from Mac's happy meal. the card is from germ and reads "Happiness is a friend like you" *sniffle* thanks germ!
OMG, i think i am going insane from being alone in the apartment. then again, it's really fun to just take a digicam and start taking pics. although i am quite concerned that i am turning into a 自恋狂.
okiedokie, need to snap out of my narcissism and stop looking at my own photos. hmm, wish i have a good digicam, then i can take really nice pics instead of these grainy ones. but, better than no digicam at all.
so, can someone tell me does long or short hair suits me more? haha...oh man, i am driving my readers nuts heh?
i digged out my webcam/digicam, and started taking photos of myself!
decided to take a pic of me with short hair. first....
...then decided to try taking one with hair clip...
...and then with my glasses. geez...i sure look nerdy
...then tried another pose. didn't work too well huh...
and how about a different expression? ok ok, i dun look cool at all...i think jay chou would pull off such looks much nicer..haha
then, i got sick of taking pics of myself cos none of them seem to look good. so, i turned my target ot my beloved soft toys....
bday present from peiling in first year (the blue thing is a bell-thingie that supposed to hang on handphones...) isn't the bear cute?...well, cuter than me
moomba (yes yes...that's his name) easter present from germ and ken. they gave him to me at moomba, hence the name Moomba
finally, The Dog - golden retriever from Mac's happy meal. the card is from germ and reads "Happiness is a friend like you" *sniffle* thanks germ!
OMG, i think i am going insane from being alone in the apartment. then again, it's really fun to just take a digicam and start taking pics. although i am quite concerned that i am turning into a 自恋狂.
okiedokie, need to snap out of my narcissism and stop looking at my own photos. hmm, wish i have a good digicam, then i can take really nice pics instead of these grainy ones. but, better than no digicam at all.
so, can someone tell me does long or short hair suits me more? haha...oh man, i am driving my readers nuts heh?
2nd post in one NIGHT. looks like all the finger-itching for the past 11 days is getting all the ease tonight.
wat's so special about tonight that makes me wanna blog blog blog?
hmm,actually...nothing.the third years have just finished their exams, so they are all in the WOO HOO LET'S PARTY mood.
whereas poor old Miss Ni is stuck with case prez and the looming loneliness of the coming week.
loneliness...ahh..that familiar got-kick-in-the-stomach-gastro-oesophageal reflux sensation is back.
i wonder which is worse: to whinge about being alone...or to whinge about not getting dates? hmmm....anyhow, the thing that keeps me going for now is lunch at Boxhill on monday! yesh yesh yesh, my fav baked rice at New Age Cafe!! *drool drool drool
right now, at this very moment, i am hiding in my room, trying to drown myself in songs semi-blasting from my lousy speakers. in the living room, germ and ken are in their own little world in the living room, which i have no intention of barging into. so basically, i am "trapped" in my room unless i steel myself for the lovey-dovey
atmosphere in the living room.
i dunno how others handle it. i mean, i guess i am still quite new to being single and thus unable to handle such situations. now i really understand why people tend to rebound into relationships after they break up. it's hard to live with that big gaping hole in your life, isn't it? especially when at gatherings and couples just seem to pop up left right and center. yeowch! it's like rubbing salt into a wound...
i think germ is fustrated with all the talk of being light bulbs and lamp posts. sorry germ, but the fact is still that while u and ken dun mind, the light-bulb-to-be may mind. i mean, how much more awkward can it get? it's like...wrong...obselete...extra...
wat's so special about tonight that makes me wanna blog blog blog?
hmm,actually...nothing.the third years have just finished their exams, so they are all in the WOO HOO LET'S PARTY mood.
whereas poor old Miss Ni is stuck with case prez and the looming loneliness of the coming week.loneliness...ahh..that familiar got-kick-in-the-stomach-gastro-oesophageal reflux sensation is back.
i wonder which is worse: to whinge about being alone...or to whinge about not getting dates? hmmm....anyhow, the thing that keeps me going for now is lunch at Boxhill on monday! yesh yesh yesh, my fav baked rice at New Age Cafe!! *drool drool drool
right now, at this very moment, i am hiding in my room, trying to drown myself in songs semi-blasting from my lousy speakers. in the living room, germ and ken are in their own little world in the living room, which i have no intention of barging into. so basically, i am "trapped" in my room unless i steel myself for the lovey-dovey
atmosphere in the living room.i dunno how others handle it. i mean, i guess i am still quite new to being single and thus unable to handle such situations. now i really understand why people tend to rebound into relationships after they break up. it's hard to live with that big gaping hole in your life, isn't it? especially when at gatherings and couples just seem to pop up left right and center. yeowch! it's like rubbing salt into a wound...
i think germ is fustrated with all the talk of being light bulbs and lamp posts. sorry germ, but the fact is still that while u and ken dun mind, the light-bulb-to-be may mind. i mean, how much more awkward can it get? it's like...wrong...obselete...extra...
sigh sigh sigh. see, blogging is bringing out the very bad side of Gretel. all the whining and sighing...arghz!! i want to graduate and head back to singapore.
i want my mummy...and my bolster.
i'm back
ok, now my little break seems like a big scam huh? probably got people thinking,"aiyer, where got so fast then ok one? take break only to gain attention huh?"
ehh, lemme think. i am pleasently surprised by the number of people asking me why i have stopped blogging. i'll be lying if i said i am not happy that i have faithful readers out there.
i can hear some people chanting L.O.S.E.R. now.
but i mean,if i didn't stop writing, how would i know who would miss me when i am gone yah?
anywayz,since i've stopped writing in my blog, i've been tempted time and again to write. from freaky dreams to funny dialouges, heart-wrenching moments in clinics to OMGyummyhotchocolate at kokoblack. and i've kept saying "NO" to myself, cos i'm not out of my deep pit of self-pity+depression yet.
then,yesterday, dreamy said to me,"you don't have to care what other people think when they read your blog. it's YOUR blog, you write what you want to write."
hmmm....i guess my lifelong problem is this obsession with gaining acceptance from my peers. like,i want to write funny & happy things so people reading it would think "wah,gretel so funny! i wanna be her friend!"
i hear the LOSER chants again
so,when i realised i can't seem to get my head around to writing something happy/funny/inspiring, i thought i should stop writing before all my friends decide i am a gone-case maniac and "dun want to friend me anymore".
LOSER LOSER LOSER...yes yes,i admit. that's me...i am a big fat L.O.S.E.R.
and,sadly, this big fat LOSER is back! to spoon out more depression and moan and groan about the loneliness and unfairness of her teeny sad world.
i guess it's too much to ask for a welcoming round of applause huh...
anyhow,i'm gonna start blogging again. and this time round, i am going to listen to dreamy's advice. It's MY blog, and i'll..ermm...write watever i want to!
to end of this blog, gonna put up the lyrics of a song...
一个人生活
叶子在窗外轻轻摇动，人行道没有行人走过。
镜子里的我很不像我，自从你离开了我变得很冷漠。
你的影子在每一个角落，好像是在提醒着我，
少了你的陪伴，我现在有多寂寞。
我想我可以习惯一个人生活，我想我可以假装不曾爱过
冰凉的夜里让眼泪温热我。
我想我可以习惯一个人生活，在记忆里面擦去你的承诺
爱你怎么会是这个结果？
我想我可以习惯一个人生活，我想我可以假装不曾爱过
感觉如果要走谁能说No
我想我可以习惯一个人生活，在记忆里面擦去你的承诺
爱情是个梦而我睡过头。
ok, now my little break seems like a big scam huh? probably got people thinking,"aiyer, where got so fast then ok one? take break only to gain attention huh?"
ehh, lemme think. i am pleasently surprised by the number of people asking me why i have stopped blogging. i'll be lying if i said i am not happy that i have faithful readers out there.
i can hear some people chanting L.O.S.E.R. now.
but i mean,if i didn't stop writing, how would i know who would miss me when i am gone yah?
anywayz,since i've stopped writing in my blog, i've been tempted time and again to write. from freaky dreams to funny dialouges, heart-wrenching moments in clinics to OMGyummyhotchocolate at kokoblack. and i've kept saying "NO" to myself, cos i'm not out of my deep pit of self-pity+depression yet.
then,yesterday, dreamy said to me,"you don't have to care what other people think when they read your blog. it's YOUR blog, you write what you want to write."
hmmm....i guess my lifelong problem is this obsession with gaining acceptance from my peers. like,i want to write funny & happy things so people reading it would think "wah,gretel so funny! i wanna be her friend!"
i hear the LOSER chants again
so,when i realised i can't seem to get my head around to writing something happy/funny/inspiring, i thought i should stop writing before all my friends decide i am a gone-case maniac and "dun want to friend me anymore".
LOSER LOSER LOSER...yes yes,i admit. that's me...i am a big fat L.O.S.E.R.
and,sadly, this big fat LOSER is back! to spoon out more depression and moan and groan about the loneliness and unfairness of her teeny sad world.
i guess it's too much to ask for a welcoming round of applause huh...
anyhow,i'm gonna start blogging again. and this time round, i am going to listen to dreamy's advice. It's MY blog, and i'll..ermm...write watever i want to!
to end of this blog, gonna put up the lyrics of a song...
一个人生活
叶子在窗外轻轻摇动，人行道没有行人走过。
镜子里的我很不像我，自从你离开了我变得很冷漠。
你的影子在每一个角落，好像是在提醒着我，
少了你的陪伴，我现在有多寂寞。
我想我可以习惯一个人生活，我想我可以假装不曾爱过
冰凉的夜里让眼泪温热我。
我想我可以习惯一个人生活，在记忆里面擦去你的承诺
爱你怎么会是这个结果？
我想我可以习惯一个人生活，我想我可以假装不曾爱过
感觉如果要走谁能说No
我想我可以习惯一个人生活，在记忆里面擦去你的承诺
爱情是个梦而我睡过头。
AWOL (AWay On Leave....)
ok ppl..
here's the news.
i'm gonna stop blogging here for the time being. why?
i've been reading through my previous entries, and they went from humourous/happy to reflective to pure depression (might as well call it Depressed instead of Disillusioned...)
here's the news.
i'm gonna stop blogging here for the time being. why?
i've been reading through my previous entries, and they went from humourous/happy to reflective to pure depression (might as well call it Depressed instead of Disillusioned...)
my blog has become the antithesis for "chicken soup for the soul".
i think, i need to take a break, take some time for me to collect the pieces in my life......
so, i'm off to my little break. (maybe read some "chicken soup" to instill some joy back into my blog)
i'll be back when i've regained the ability to not blog about sad stuff all the time.
PS:i'll still come back to feed Ah Kow. so, feel free to leave msges, or if u want to volunteer to take care of Ah Kow for me, i'll be very grateful :D
looking for the hero in me
there's a hero
if you look inside you heart
you don't have to be afraid of what you are
there's an answer if you reach into your soul
and the sorrow that you know would disappear
and then the hero comes along
with the strength to carry on
and you'll cast your fears aside
and you know you can survive
so when you feel like hope is gone
look inside and be strong
and you'll finally see the truth - that a hero lies in you
it's a long road when you face the world alone
noone reaches out a hand for you to hold
you can find love if you search within yourself
and the emptiness you felt would disappear
Lord knows, dreams are hard to follow
but don't let anyone tear them away
Hold on, there would be tomorrow
in time you'll find the way
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
searching for the hero in me. looking for the courage to move on.
clinging on, hanging on.
one tomorrow after another, one disappointment after another.
holding on, pushing on.
one hope dashed after another, one more wound after another.
life goes on, time doesn't stop.
i'll keep fighting, i'll keep trying.
maybe one day, i'll find my way out of this mess
and embrace the sun rays once again.
if you look inside you heart
you don't have to be afraid of what you are
there's an answer if you reach into your soul
and the sorrow that you know would disappear
and then the hero comes along
with the strength to carry on
and you'll cast your fears aside
and you know you can survive
so when you feel like hope is gone
look inside and be strong
and you'll finally see the truth - that a hero lies in you
it's a long road when you face the world alone
noone reaches out a hand for you to hold
you can find love if you search within yourself
and the emptiness you felt would disappear
Lord knows, dreams are hard to follow
but don't let anyone tear them away
Hold on, there would be tomorrow
in time you'll find the way
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
searching for the hero in me. looking for the courage to move on.
clinging on, hanging on.
one tomorrow after another, one disappointment after another.
holding on, pushing on.
one hope dashed after another, one more wound after another.
life goes on, time doesn't stop.
i'll keep fighting, i'll keep trying.
maybe one day, i'll find my way out of this mess
and embrace the sun rays once again.
friends like to play devil's advocate.
because there is a perverse sense of satisfaction seeing ur fren squirm, or just having a good laugh at ur fren's weird expressions, or to watch ur fren go all confused and then producing the magic solution (hence making urself feel like some miracle worker?)
i've had a few tries being one myself. and sometimes, it helps the situation.
sometimes, it just make things so much worse, u hate urself for doing it.
now, i am perhaps the "victim" of too many advocates of the devil. it's like seeing myself in the worst possible light. the evil side, the dark side, the inhumane side, the vulnerable side, the insecure side. throw in some fear and self consciousness, and what's left is a girl too confused, too lost...no one to turn to...not even those whom she has trusted before.
nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. wounds lay in the open, raw and exposed. too many of them, too much pain.
so please, have mercy on me. and quit rubbing salt onto them.
because there is a perverse sense of satisfaction seeing ur fren squirm, or just having a good laugh at ur fren's weird expressions, or to watch ur fren go all confused and then producing the magic solution (hence making urself feel like some miracle worker?)
i've had a few tries being one myself. and sometimes, it helps the situation.
sometimes, it just make things so much worse, u hate urself for doing it.
now, i am perhaps the "victim" of too many advocates of the devil. it's like seeing myself in the worst possible light. the evil side, the dark side, the inhumane side, the vulnerable side, the insecure side. throw in some fear and self consciousness, and what's left is a girl too confused, too lost...no one to turn to...not even those whom she has trusted before.
nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. wounds lay in the open, raw and exposed. too many of them, too much pain.
so please, have mercy on me. and quit rubbing salt onto them.
rain...falling in my heart
there is something comforting abt being indoors while it is pouring with rain outside.
soothing sounds of rain pelting against the windows...
watching the raindrops slide down the glass...
and seeing the distorted image on the other side of the window...
knowing that i am dry, warm and safe...
as if i am in a cocoon, sheltered from the threats of reality...
for perfection, add in a steaming hot drink, a good book or DVD, and i'll be more than happy to lie on my comfy bed to read, or lounge on my bouncy air mattress and watch TV.
weather's been hot hot hot for the past few days. i've never crave for rain in melbourne. but right now, i feel cooler, and more calm with myself. guess the hot weather contributed to my crankiness...or maybe that's just an excuse for me to act like an b****
or maybe, it's just that finally, the weather matches my mood. being around happy people only makes me feel more inadequate, and the sunny weather only further emphasise the point that i am the odd-unhappy-one-out. now the sky is gloomy, and rain is falling...
*gretel sings: listen to the rhythm of the falling rain, telling me just what a fool i've been.....
but,good things never last. the sky is clearing...and the sun would shine once again. my sadness would once again be as glaring as the sun rays and my loneliness once again a contrast to the companionship others have seeked and found.
still, i shouldn't be selfish. everyone wants warm sunny weather, except me. so let the sun shine, and let the rain clouds stay in Gretel-land.
soothing sounds of rain pelting against the windows...
watching the raindrops slide down the glass...
and seeing the distorted image on the other side of the window...
knowing that i am dry, warm and safe...
as if i am in a cocoon, sheltered from the threats of reality...
for perfection, add in a steaming hot drink, a good book or DVD, and i'll be more than happy to lie on my comfy bed to read, or lounge on my bouncy air mattress and watch TV.
weather's been hot hot hot for the past few days. i've never crave for rain in melbourne. but right now, i feel cooler, and more calm with myself. guess the hot weather contributed to my crankiness...or maybe that's just an excuse for me to act like an b****
or maybe, it's just that finally, the weather matches my mood. being around happy people only makes me feel more inadequate, and the sunny weather only further emphasise the point that i am the odd-unhappy-one-out. now the sky is gloomy, and rain is falling...
*gretel sings: listen to the rhythm of the falling rain, telling me just what a fool i've been.....
but,good things never last. the sky is clearing...and the sun would shine once again. my sadness would once again be as glaring as the sun rays and my loneliness once again a contrast to the companionship others have seeked and found.
still, i shouldn't be selfish. everyone wants warm sunny weather, except me. so let the sun shine, and let the rain clouds stay in Gretel-land.
for germaine
a special entry for the very special girl in my life - my dearez housmate.
girl, do you know i am so so happy for u?
but i guess i haven't been appearing so on the outside,
with my depressed moods and endless ramblings about being lonely and having no self esteem.
girl, do you know i love seeing u having a smile all day?
even though u are stressed and sleep-deprived,
i feel good coming home and seeing u greet me with a smile.
a smile that comes from true happiness bubbling up from your heart.
girl, do you know i am so scared of losing you?
although i dun have the right to feel that way, there is a new sense of insecurity shrouding me.
our "quality" time has been compromised, and i miss those times when it was just the two of us,
pigging out in front of the tv, and sobbing over soppy dramas.
girl, do you know how much laughter i've shared with you?
and do you know that you've made my most terrible times so much more bearable?
because you were there to hold my hands and let me cry,
because you were always willing to give me a much needed hug.
all in all, girl...
i wanna tell u although i am still in pain, still hurting from whatever that has happened,
i am truly sincerely very happy for you.
so pardon my cranky moodswings,
and please give me time...
i can't promise i'll be completely normal again...
but i'll try and not be such a pain in the neck. thank you.
so, immerse yourself in you newfound happiness.
and dun feel bad for "leaving me in the lurch"
because you didn't, and you dun have the responsiblity of "saving" me
let me bear my pain, and not let it affect you.
cos girl, the last thing i wanna do,
is to be the one who take that smile away from you.
girl, do you know i am so so happy for u?
but i guess i haven't been appearing so on the outside,
with my depressed moods and endless ramblings about being lonely and having no self esteem.
girl, do you know i love seeing u having a smile all day?
even though u are stressed and sleep-deprived,
i feel good coming home and seeing u greet me with a smile.
a smile that comes from true happiness bubbling up from your heart.
girl, do you know i am so scared of losing you?
although i dun have the right to feel that way, there is a new sense of insecurity shrouding me.
our "quality" time has been compromised, and i miss those times when it was just the two of us,
pigging out in front of the tv, and sobbing over soppy dramas.
girl, do you know how much laughter i've shared with you?
and do you know that you've made my most terrible times so much more bearable?
because you were there to hold my hands and let me cry,
because you were always willing to give me a much needed hug.
all in all, girl...
i wanna tell u although i am still in pain, still hurting from whatever that has happened,
i am truly sincerely very happy for you.
so pardon my cranky moodswings,
and please give me time...
i can't promise i'll be completely normal again...
but i'll try and not be such a pain in the neck. thank you.
so, immerse yourself in you newfound happiness.
and dun feel bad for "leaving me in the lurch"
because you didn't, and you dun have the responsiblity of "saving" me
let me bear my pain, and not let it affect you.
cos girl, the last thing i wanna do,
is to be the one who take that smile away from you.
Right Kind of Wrong
Know all about about your reputation
And how it's bound to be a heartbreak situation
But I can't help it if I'm helpless
Everytime that I'm where you are
You walk in and my strength walks out the door
Say my name and I can't fight it anymore
Oh I know, I should go
But I need your touch just too damn much
Loving you isn't really something I should do
Shouldn't wanna spend my time with you
That I should try to be strong
But baby you're the right kind of wrong
Yeah baby you're the right kind of wrong
Might be a mistake
A mistake I'm making
But what you're giving I am happy to be taking
Cause no one's ever made me feel
The way I feel when I'm in your arms
They say you're something I should do without
They don't know what goes on
When the lights go out
There's no way to explain
All the pleasure is worth all the pain
I should try to run but I just can't seem to
Cause everything I run you're the on I run to
Can't do without, what you do to me
I don't care if I'm in too deep
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
suddenly love this song. always liked it anyway, but today, when i heard it, i just fell in love with it. though i'd say the lyrics are abit too...ahem...explicit for me. haha.
*Gretel sings: yeah baby u're the right kind of wrong.
And how it's bound to be a heartbreak situation
But I can't help it if I'm helpless
Everytime that I'm where you are
You walk in and my strength walks out the door
Say my name and I can't fight it anymore
Oh I know, I should go
But I need your touch just too damn much
Loving you isn't really something I should do
Shouldn't wanna spend my time with you
That I should try to be strong
But baby you're the right kind of wrong
Yeah baby you're the right kind of wrong
Might be a mistake
A mistake I'm making
But what you're giving I am happy to be taking
Cause no one's ever made me feel
The way I feel when I'm in your arms
They say you're something I should do without
They don't know what goes on
When the lights go out
There's no way to explain
All the pleasure is worth all the pain
I should try to run but I just can't seem to
Cause everything I run you're the on I run to
Can't do without, what you do to me
I don't care if I'm in too deep
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
suddenly love this song. always liked it anyway, but today, when i heard it, i just fell in love with it. though i'd say the lyrics are abit too...ahem...explicit for me. haha.
*Gretel sings: yeah baby u're the right kind of wrong.
check out my bro's blog!
my brother has jumped into the craze of blogging *applause
i guessed he would do it, cos when i was in Singapore, he wld ask me all these questions about blogging. considering he knows some HTML and his "england" is so much more "powderful", i think his blog wld be much much MUCH more interesting than mine. less depressive, more informative, loads of guyish language (a.k.a. vulgarities..haha)
anyway, ppl, do go check it out, kiez? http://snowparang.blogdrive.com or click Hansen under the "others" section.
and yes yes,his name is hanseN. i know i know, doesn't make sense cos since i am Gretel he should be Hansel. but hey, i din get to choose my name, and he din get to choose his. besides, that's not even his English name. that's just his statutory name. so, DON'T ask me why i am called Gretel. it's a stupid joke by my father's friend...which my father decided to take it seriously.
so, i'm done with explaining that my brother is not Hansel. and i am sick of the "so where's Hansel?" joke. not funny anymore, understooded?
okie dokie, germ just made yummy Quiche for dinner. *drool
makan time!
i guessed he would do it, cos when i was in Singapore, he wld ask me all these questions about blogging. considering he knows some HTML and his "england" is so much more "powderful", i think his blog wld be much much MUCH more interesting than mine. less depressive, more informative, loads of guyish language (a.k.a. vulgarities..haha)
anyway, ppl, do go check it out, kiez? http://snowparang.blogdrive.com or click Hansen under the "others" section.
and yes yes,his name is hanseN. i know i know, doesn't make sense cos since i am Gretel he should be Hansel. but hey, i din get to choose my name, and he din get to choose his. besides, that's not even his English name. that's just his statutory name. so, DON'T ask me why i am called Gretel. it's a stupid joke by my father's friend...which my father decided to take it seriously.
so, i'm done with explaining that my brother is not Hansel. and i am sick of the "so where's Hansel?" joke. not funny anymore, understooded?
okie dokie, germ just made yummy Quiche for dinner. *drool
makan time!
pain...
it started as a teeny weeny bit of pain
right deep inside where i can push it to the back of my mind and ignore it.
and then, it developed into this nagging ache.
constantly there, always biting.
still, i can occupy my mind with something else, and push it out of my consciousness.
now, nothing i do helps. it's there, a sharp twinge whenever i forget about it.
as if it's trying to remind me of its presence.
driving me insane, completely thrown off balance.
never knew i would feel like this.
i thought i would be ok with it all, cos i knew it was going to happen.
i was mentally prepared, i braced myself for it to come.
so why am i so badly affected? why??
please let the pain go away.
it's getting too much to bear.
and i dun wanna feel it anymore
i can't run away, i can't hide. i can only face it, and it's just getting too hard.
too hard...
right deep inside where i can push it to the back of my mind and ignore it.
and then, it developed into this nagging ache.
constantly there, always biting.
still, i can occupy my mind with something else, and push it out of my consciousness.
now, nothing i do helps. it's there, a sharp twinge whenever i forget about it.
as if it's trying to remind me of its presence.
driving me insane, completely thrown off balance.
never knew i would feel like this.
i thought i would be ok with it all, cos i knew it was going to happen.
i was mentally prepared, i braced myself for it to come.
so why am i so badly affected? why??
please let the pain go away.
it's getting too much to bear.
and i dun wanna feel it anymore
i can't run away, i can't hide. i can only face it, and it's just getting too hard.
too hard...
yes...no...i dunno
people are weird creatures. they can tell u one thing, and then change their minds before u can say "huh?" and tell u another thing. they can give u an advice to do XYZ, and then turn around and say that doing XYZ is a bad idea...
i am confused. is it human nature to contradict yourself? cos i've seen so many examples of such incidents happening. it's as if saying what you truly feel or think is no longer the way to go. we calculate how other people might react to what we are going to say and modify what we verbalise.
why?
cos we can't take the truth most of the time? cos what a person really feel or think can cause too much harm and chaos? cos we are trying to protect the people we love?
of course, i prefer to not hear the whole story sometimes. but, when i am being given contradicting advice by the same person, i dunno what to do with myself. neither is right, either is wrong. wat the?!
i am a pathetic individual. i rely on being liked to survive. i depend on others' approval to feel happy. hence, when i get negative feedback, it eats me alive. and i'll try my best to change. which makes me basically the most P.A.T.H.E.T.I.C. person on planet earth. so many people have told me to not care what others think...that if i think i'm right, then stick to it and stand up for myself.
but i'm scared. i once stood up for what i thought was right, only to be ostracised and remain as an outcast through my secondary school years. i lived in my own corner, unable to share the joy of others, and deprived of the chance to share my own happiness. do i want to live through that again? Nooooo...
so, i morphed into this needy, clingy, self-doubting person...i need approval, i cling to people who allow me into their lives...and i doubt everything that i did.
am i a failure in life?
yes? no?
i really....don't know
i am confused. is it human nature to contradict yourself? cos i've seen so many examples of such incidents happening. it's as if saying what you truly feel or think is no longer the way to go. we calculate how other people might react to what we are going to say and modify what we verbalise.
why?
cos we can't take the truth most of the time? cos what a person really feel or think can cause too much harm and chaos? cos we are trying to protect the people we love?
of course, i prefer to not hear the whole story sometimes. but, when i am being given contradicting advice by the same person, i dunno what to do with myself. neither is right, either is wrong. wat the?!
i am a pathetic individual. i rely on being liked to survive. i depend on others' approval to feel happy. hence, when i get negative feedback, it eats me alive. and i'll try my best to change. which makes me basically the most P.A.T.H.E.T.I.C. person on planet earth. so many people have told me to not care what others think...that if i think i'm right, then stick to it and stand up for myself.
but i'm scared. i once stood up for what i thought was right, only to be ostracised and remain as an outcast through my secondary school years. i lived in my own corner, unable to share the joy of others, and deprived of the chance to share my own happiness. do i want to live through that again? Nooooo...
so, i morphed into this needy, clingy, self-doubting person...i need approval, i cling to people who allow me into their lives...and i doubt everything that i did.
am i a failure in life?
yes? no?
i really....don't know
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