coming back to an empty apartment should have been disappointing. can still remember last year after clinics each day, trudging back to that teeny but cosy apartment 3N10. each day is concluded with a lonely dinner and too much alone time.
but today, when i opened the door and saw that germ's nike shoes were missing on the shoe rack, i was overwhelmed by a sense of relief. pls don't be mistaken. i like spending time with germ. when she is home, coming back is equally nice. but a different kind of nice. with her around, it's like "ah, got someone to talk to who isn't gonna ask me about discharge planning".
recently though, i don't feel the need to talk. probably cos the moment i open my mouth,i start whinging and whining, so much so that i think i should stop irritating people and keep my mouth shut as much as possible. and somehow, i dunno what to say to germ anymore. i seem to just tuck every single thought and feeling i have deep to the back of mind, cos..i guess whatever i am feeling isn't really all that important in the scheme of things.
quite a few people have been asking me if i am ok. most of the time, i dunno what to answer. because honestly, i dunno if i am ok. one second,i could be laughing and suan-ing people...the next, i just lapse into a silence. so whenever someone says to me,"how are you?", by reflex, i say "ok lor". which makes me feel like a big fat liar at times cos i really am NOT ok. but, i can't possibly answer,"I am terrible. i feel like crap. do you know how much i want to cry but i can't?" that would just scare the crap out of the person...or the person would just assume i am crazy and walk away...or go into a whole "counselling" session of "how to be happy when you're not"
seems like i am in a very confused state. kind of like i've lost sight of what i want or need or something..i dunno. more often than not, 'i dunno' is like the only answer i can give to most questions.
"what time do you want to eat dinner?"...i dunno
"where do you want to go?"...i dunno
"how are you?"...i dunno
"are you ok?"...i dunno
thing is, if i really dunno, that's ok. but i do know...yet,i have trouble verbalising what i really want. (it's like i have expressive dysphasia and cannot verbalise my thoughts...)
perhaps putting down in black and white is easier than saying it...so, what do i want?
(not in order of preference)
- eat durian gelati this weekend
- go out for dinner with someone this thursday to celebrate the end of clinic block 3
- play badminton
- spend quality 1-1 time with my housemate
- buy a pair of jeans and/or a new belt
- go on a trip during my june break
- lose more weight without looking anorexic (ie lose the fats and keep the muscles)
- get asked out on a date (the full package...flowers, dinner, movie etc...)
- go dancing and actually be good at it...
- resume going to bodystep
- watch crown fire
- sleep well every night
- stop overeating
- have a free makeover and closet overhaul
- have non-frizzy and dry hair so everyday is a good hair day
now i can see for myself what i want, i realise why i always end up saying 'i dunno'. cos too many of the things i want invite too many questions and jokes.
ok ok, let me conclude this blog with a song that has me melting into a puddle everytime i hear it...
《好想好想》
好想好想和你在一起 和你一起数天上的星星
收集春天的细雨
好想 好想 好想 好想 好想好想和你在一起
踏遍万水千山 走遍海角天涯 让每一个日子都串连成我们最美丽 最美丽的回忆
好想好想和你在一起 听你诉说古老的故事
细数你眼中的情意
好想好想和你在一起 并肩看天边的落日
并肩听林间的鸟语
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