i am thankful to
the people who invented non-alcoholic mouth rinse..
the people who invented antiseptic oral gel..
the people who invented steroidal emollient dental paste..
the people who found out that oatmeal is edible..
the people who condensed soup into a can..
the people who made 旺仔小馒头 or equivalent...
the people who discovered how to make porridge...
the people who made milk into yogurt

i am grateful to
MJ
who had to put up with my whining...
who held my hand when i was squirming in pain when applying above medications
who ate soft-moist diet with me (refer above)
MUMMY
who taught me how to cook porridge many years ago...
who cooked separate soft-moist diet for me...
who kind of mentally boosted me by laughing at my predicament -_-

i am going to
continue soft moist diet PRN cos it still hurts when i chew
eat many many many food once i am 100% recovered
e.g.
KFC!!! mac's! BK!
pizza!
curry puff!
some form of western food using knife and fork :P
sushi! sashimi! tempura!
baked pasta!

just to name a few...

the 'hole' in my mouth is scarily deep...but now, it's finally starting to fill up with some flesh...

i hope i will never ever have to go through such ordeal...
it's just too painful to lose the ability to eat..
when i am someone who lives to eat

~recovering :D~

anyone who knows me well enough knows that food is my life...
eating is the only thing that keeps me going..

and now, i am reduced to eating almost nothing..
why?
because of a giant ulcer in my mouth..
it's so big, it hurts just to open my mouth to put anything in it..
and let's not go into how much it hurts when food gets in and touches the ulcer..

each meal is like a torture...
each day is a torture itself..

now the pain is radiating into my ear..sometimes up into my eye socket...
and so, i decided that it's time to seek medical 'help'...
which came in the form of Dr T Ng...
who prescribed antibiotics and panadol only...
who wanted to give me bonjela (which is easily available in Watson's lor)
who just calmly tell me 'eat with the other side lah. try to eat lah'

b***** h***

if it's that easy, why did i even go and see you lor!

once again confirm my fear that "cream of the crop" is just a stupid line that those papayas use to make themselves look more yaya and atas...

ggggrrr...

anger is not doing any ggood to my ulcer...
throbbing pain!!

now i just wish that the ulcer will heal..
so that i can once again enjoy food and not dread every single meal...

~pain-ing~

你要我告诉你发生了什么事，
可是我真的不知道。

也许最气的，不是你做了什么，
也不是你没做什么，
而是自己不知道自己要什么，
自己气了也不知道要怎么样消气。

越想要不气，越觉得没有理由生气，可是气就是不消。
你叫我不要气了，那你告诉我，我要怎样才不气？

你也不知道吧？

你也不知道，
当我在气头上，你叫我不要气，只会让我更无助，无奈。
与其说在生你的气，其实我在气自己吧。

你问我，为什么哭？发生了什么事让我会哭？
我真的不知道。
只觉得难过，所以就哭。
为什么难过？
我不知道。
如果我知道，我就不会难过了，对吗？
也许我不怎么聪明，但至少我明白，难过的理由找到了，才可以让自己不难过。
可是，我真的不知道。
所以我没有办法让自己不难过。

而因为这样，造成了你也不快乐。
看见你不快乐，我只有很无助地在心里说对不起。
我不知道要做什么让我们俩不再难过下去，
也很害怕这样的日子，将没完没了。

有一天，当你厌倦了这样难过的日子，或许你就会发现，
可以给你幸福的人，不是我。
但至少那个时候，我会庆幸我们其中一个，不会再难过了。

对不起。
我不知道要怎样解决这个问题。
因为我根本不知道问题出在哪里！

我说过，有些事，就是想破了脑袋，也没有解决的方法。
或许，我就是那 “有些事”， 没有解决的法门。

现在，只能一再地对你说：“对不起，我爱你”

i have no idea why i am blogging now...

it's 1002h and i've been yawning for the last 30mins..

yet as i was about to click on the turn-off button...
somehow..
an urge just came to log in and blog..
about nothing in particular..

haven't been too happy lately...
not that bad things happened...
just..unhappy...
feeling like things are not going the way i hope they will be...
and that too many of these things are actually kind of within my control...
yet somehow, i lost the ability to control them....

whirling about in a mess that i did not remember i left...
i cannot explain this feeling...
mj doesn't understand it...neither do i...
and unfortunately, my bad mood is not making things easy for him...
apologies doesn't seem to do it...
in fact...
it's starting to feel like there's nothing i can do to make life easier for him...
and easier for myself...

i dunno how people do it...
how people can just be happy and really mean it...
maybe i find too many faults with my life...with myself..
and perhaps, being a perfectionist means that i trade-in 'being happy'
because...life will never be perfect...and that means i'll never be happy, right?

sometimes..
it feels so tempting to just give up..
just give everything up and let life slowly roll back to what it used to be...

yet,
deep inside i know that even if i do give everything up..
life will not go back to the way it was...
and there are just...too much to give up for...

~blue blue gretel~