i have no idea why i am blogging now...

it's 1002h and i've been yawning for the last 30mins..

yet as i was about to click on the turn-off button...
somehow..
an urge just came to log in and blog..
about nothing in particular..

haven't been too happy lately...
not that bad things happened...
just..unhappy...
feeling like things are not going the way i hope they will be...
and that too many of these things are actually kind of within my control...
yet somehow, i lost the ability to control them....

whirling about in a mess that i did not remember i left...
i cannot explain this feeling...
mj doesn't understand it...neither do i...
and unfortunately, my bad mood is not making things easy for him...
apologies doesn't seem to do it...
in fact...
it's starting to feel like there's nothing i can do to make life easier for him...
and easier for myself...

i dunno how people do it...
how people can just be happy and really mean it...
maybe i find too many faults with my life...with myself..
and perhaps, being a perfectionist means that i trade-in 'being happy'
because...life will never be perfect...and that means i'll never be happy, right?

sometimes..
it feels so tempting to just give up..
just give everything up and let life slowly roll back to what it used to be...

yet,
deep inside i know that even if i do give everything up..
life will not go back to the way it was...
and there are just...too much to give up for...

~blue blue gretel~