Migraine
A migraine is a very painful type of headache. People who get migraines often describe the pain as pulsing or throbbing in one area of the head. During migraines, people are very sensitive to light and sound. They may also become nauseated and vomit.

[source:http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/migraine.html]

I've always suspected that I am a victim of migraine...but I've never gone and do anything about it.
Okay, maybe I've popped more panadols than those migraine-free people...

Actually, I've seen a doctor for severe headaches previously (when I was in uni)
but the diagnosis was 'severe tension headaches' because the pain was located over my whole head...

This time round, the pain was localised to the front of my head, radiating to behind my eye.
Yes, behind the eye, also known as retro-orbital pain.
And that pain intensifies the moment I look at something bright (like the computer screen, or looking out of the windows)
It also intensifies when I hear loud sounds (e.g. Dad blasting Teresa Teng from the speakers)
Something like a hammer pounding from behind the eye and inside the head...
VERY uncomfortable!
Which is why I gave in and saw a doc on Friday

Doc gave me a drug called Caffox which contains caffeine.
My close friends will know that I am hypersensitive to caffeine...
I'll tremble, feel nauseated and giddy and well, VERY uncomfortable!
(which is why I stay away from coffee even though I love the smell of it...)
So looks like I am stuck with feeling VERY uncomfortable either way...

Anyway, I've weaned myself off the caffeine drug for 2 days (Sun and Mon), but allowed myself to take Anarax to relax my muscles when I sleep
Last night, silly me thought that my migraine is under control
so I skipped my Anarax..

Only to wake up with gentle throbbing behind my right eye,
and gentle pounding over my right forehead...
Reluctant to be reliant on drugs, I endured the gradually-increasing-pounding...
Until lunchtime..
I caved and popped one caffeinated tablet, took a nap...

What can I say...
The tablet worked.
My head is now pounding-free...though my right eye still feels weird...
And I am also now filled with the dread that I am going to be drug-dependent..
Am I destined to be popping pills for the rest of my life (for migraine and dyspepsia)?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My mum has a totally different take on my migraine...
The day I came home from seeing the doc and I informed her of my diagnosis,
She gave me a 'See-I-Told-You' look and proudly stated,"叫你不要晚上洗头，你不听啦！"
I can't help but roll my eyes when I heard that...
C'mon! It's not like I wash my hair at midnight!
And I always blow-dry my hair before I sleep...
Sighs...
But, just to put her mind at ease, I checked with her last evening before I wash my hair...
Having got her approval to wash my hair, I did so and went to bed with clean, completely air-dried hair...

Now, I wonder what is she going to blame on for my migraine attack today...

Probably the fact that I am staring at the computer all day at work...
Which is the only thing I can do now that I am on super light duty (lifting limited to 2kg)...

So, either I take a super long MC (which is going to happen soon after 29 June)...
Or I visit the doc again to get more caffeinated tabs...

I don't really have a choice, do I?

~Aging = mal-functioning, one body system at a time~

A very strong urge to blog...but can't seem to sort out my thoughts to blog properly -_-

Last entry was a month ago...
And a million and one things have happened since then...
So much to update...yet no words seem to describe what I want to say...

Been feeling very lonely these days...
Not physically, cos Panda is as sticky as ever *stick out tongue at MJ*

More emotionally and mentally...
Being caught in the middle of too many conflicts...
Some of these conflicts have existed since the day I come onto this planet..
And some of these conflicts happened because yours truly cannot keep her mouth shut...

Was it only 2 weekends ago?
That long weekend when the 'Royal' gang stayed out late and talked?
It felt like it was eons ago...except for the hurt that stayed..fresh like it had just happened...
What kind of hurt?
Isolation...the knowledge that at the end of it all, I will not be part of the plan.

Was it only 3 weeks ago?
3 weeks ago, at this time, I was packing and getting ready to go to Taiwan.
Now, those days felt like it was too far away...
And I'm already craving for another holiday..
But this time, by myself...without the responsibility to care for anyone but myself...
For once, I long to be selfish and not care...
Yet, my conscience doesn't allow me to do so.

Starting to feel useless again...
Like my existence is really nothing but another mere mortal taking up space and oxygen...
Can't get my thoughts to line up, can't get my emotions under control...
Like a rookie surfer who have paddled too far out and is struggling to come to land...
Too much of a struggle...so much easier to just give up and go under...

Caught in a storm of my own negative thoughts...
Yet knowing it's my own doing just propel me further into this whirlpool...
Deeper and deeper, I feel myself sinking...
Icy cold water drowning out my cries for help...
Feeling myself go numb...and more numb..
Until the day I cannot feel at all...

I am not even making sense to myself anymore...
Day in, day out...
I just want things to end..
Everything.
Like a story that has gone on far too long...
I've flipped endured through so much...
I just want to know the ending....

Yet, amidst all these confusion and pain,
the logical side of me prevails...
It cannot end...
Not yet...
I'm not ready for it to end, even though that would be the easiest way out.

And so, I continue to bump along...
Even though each step consumes so much energy that I should just stay put...
I force myself to go forwards...
Just so I can be nearer to the end...
and therefore, closer to being at peace...once again...

~sinking into the depths of an unknown realm...~