A very strong urge to blog...but can't seem to sort out my thoughts to blog properly -_-

Last entry was a month ago...
And a million and one things have happened since then...
So much to update...yet no words seem to describe what I want to say...

Been feeling very lonely these days...
Not physically, cos Panda is as sticky as ever *stick out tongue at MJ*

More emotionally and mentally...
Being caught in the middle of too many conflicts...
Some of these conflicts have existed since the day I come onto this planet..
And some of these conflicts happened because yours truly cannot keep her mouth shut...

Was it only 2 weekends ago?
That long weekend when the 'Royal' gang stayed out late and talked?
It felt like it was eons ago...except for the hurt that stayed..fresh like it had just happened...
What kind of hurt?
Isolation...the knowledge that at the end of it all, I will not be part of the plan.

Was it only 3 weeks ago?
3 weeks ago, at this time, I was packing and getting ready to go to Taiwan.
Now, those days felt like it was too far away...
And I'm already craving for another holiday..
But this time, by myself...without the responsibility to care for anyone but myself...
For once, I long to be selfish and not care...
Yet, my conscience doesn't allow me to do so.

Starting to feel useless again...
Like my existence is really nothing but another mere mortal taking up space and oxygen...
Can't get my thoughts to line up, can't get my emotions under control...
Like a rookie surfer who have paddled too far out and is struggling to come to land...
Too much of a struggle...so much easier to just give up and go under...

Caught in a storm of my own negative thoughts...
Yet knowing it's my own doing just propel me further into this whirlpool...
Deeper and deeper, I feel myself sinking...
Icy cold water drowning out my cries for help...
Feeling myself go numb...and more numb..
Until the day I cannot feel at all...

I am not even making sense to myself anymore...
Day in, day out...
I just want things to end..
Everything.
Like a story that has gone on far too long...
I've flipped endured through so much...
I just want to know the ending....

Yet, amidst all these confusion and pain,
the logical side of me prevails...
It cannot end...
Not yet...
I'm not ready for it to end, even though that would be the easiest way out.

And so, I continue to bump along...
Even though each step consumes so much energy that I should just stay put...
I force myself to go forwards...
Just so I can be nearer to the end...
and therefore, closer to being at peace...once again...

~sinking into the depths of an unknown realm...~