in the bid to help speed up my comp..
which has slowed so much, my brother cannot stand it -_-
i asked my brother to help me format plus reinstall winXP
and now..
my comp takes 1 hour to boot..
yes... 1 HOUR
60 minutes...
for a whole 60 minutes, the screen remains blank and all i see is the HDD light flashing with a 'te te te' sound...
that's the bad news...
good news is that once winXP starts, it is faster
*shrugs shoulders*

so i guess now i have to make sure i turn on my comp really early...
or...
start saving up for a new comp...

it's called fatigue..
in my case, maybe bordering on 'chronic' fatigue..
cos i sleep at 10+pm, wakes up at 6am and feels like i haven't slept at all..
then i sleep my way to work..
ends up with a head+neck ache...
feels like crap the whole day..
works too slow and can't meet stats..
sleep my way home..
and then, i crash at 10+pm again...

i dunno if i am actually that tired..
or just plain lazy
but i do know that..
i miss the gals in melb so very much...
cos right now..
i really wish they are here..
and we can meet up for starbucks or kbox...
haven't had a girls' night out for so long..
the past few weeks had been work home work home work home...
and home isn't exactly what i want to come back to after a day's work...
for reasons which can't be disclosed on cyberspace...

i miss ruby...din get to meet her before she went back to melb :(
i miss yivern...no one to listen to what i have to say now...
i miss wing...din get to meet her when she was back in sg...
i miss germ...especially her yummy quiche and banana cake...
i miss alicia...some fashion advice from her can really help me now...
i miss esther...and her fantalicious penguin-pancake...
if only 4 nov come tomorrow...

i need hug hug!

不想长大

为什么就是找不到 不谢的玫瑰花
为什么遇见的王子 都不够王子啊
我并不期盼他会有 玻璃鞋和白马
我惊讶的是 情话竟然 会变成谎话

为什么幸福的青鸟 要飞得那么高
为什么苹果和拥抱 都可能是毒药
我从没想过有了他 还孤单的可怕
我突然想起从前陪我那个洋娃娃

我不想 我不想 不想长大
长大后 世界就 没童话
我不想 我不想 不想长大
我宁愿 永远都 笨又傻
我不想 我不想 不想长大
长大后 我就会 失去他
我深爱的他 深爱我的他 已经变得不像他
(怎么会 爱上别个她)

为什么水晶球里面 看不出他在变
为什么结局没欢笑 而是泪流满面
我愿意在他回来前 继续安静沉睡
但他已去到 别座城堡 吻另一双嘴

为什么对流星许愿 却从来没实现
为什么英勇的骑士 会比龙还危险
我当然知道这世界 不会完美无暇
我只求爱情能够不要那么样复杂

让我们回去从前好不好 天真愚蠢快乐美好

i think i've posted up the lyrics of this song before...
but somehow, after meeting up with edwin, wp and eugene last night..
the lyrics of the songs just keep ringing in my head...
especially the bit "我不想我不想不想长大， 我宁愿永远都笨又傻。"
ignorance is bliss...
innoncence is gold...

on a lighter note...
it's so much easier when someone ask me 'so is your brother hansel?' when i was just starting primary school..
cos i can just happily (and initially, rather proudly) say 'no, my brother is hansen'
but now..
instead of asking 'is your brother hansel?'...people ask 'is there a hansel in your life?'
-_-
ex-se-cu-sei-moi..
Hansel and Gretel are siblings...
these people need to go and revise their fairy tales, thank you very much...

on a more serious note..
growing up is painful...
i'm sure alot of people out there feels the same way sometime or another..
when you wish that just pouting and 'man-ja-ing' will get you what you want... life was about playgrounds and cartoons..

last night, as we all talked about our plans for the future..
even though we laughed and joked..
for me, beneath all the fun and laughter...
i do wonder what my own plans are...
everything is messed up...
planning becomes waste of time cos every single plan becomes thwarted by another turn of events....
it's like sailing a ship inthe midst of a storm...
the only plan is to keep yourself afloat..
ride the storm till it's over..
before you can get your bearings and start navigating again...

i dun deny that i feel very lost...
and i dun deny that at the moment, i feel very helpless...
almost to the brink of hopelessness...
each day goes past...
another day starts...
each day is a stuggle to stay afloat...
each day is the end of a struggle...

if i drown, will someone miss me?
if i drown, will someone save me?
if i drown, and i halt my growing process...
will i be happier?

but,
my life is still good...
not as good as i want it to be..
but i count my blessings...
and so, i will not drown...
because even if no one will miss me...
i will miss everyone...

i need ice cream...

i feel like blogging something very personal...
but somehow, it seems too personal to be blogged...
i feel like i am going to drown from not talking about it...
but somehow, it seems too complex to be talked about...
i feel like if i dun say it, i'll slowly get used to it...
but somehow, it seems to get more and more intense each day...

at moments like this...
i really miss having a boyfriend..
someone who will listen to my personal thoughts...
who will save me from being drowned in my own negativity...
who will help release some of the pressure building up inside...

everyday...
i crave for that invisible someone...
even though i know..
that someone...
will remain invisible..
and so...
i continue to hide...
continue to sink..
and continue to wish for the one day..
when everything will just come to an end..
forever..
and ever

it begins with the first sigh...
morphing into endless naps...
and then...
the final leap into the pit again...

it's been 8 years...
or it would be 8 years this october...
yet the shadow remains shrouding over this family...
or maybe...just shrouding over me?

again and again...
i witnessed it...
and again and again...
i feel that anger simmering and boiling within me...
for 4 years, i escaped the worst of the storm...
and in my still-naive mind, i thought...
it's over

only to be back
and to be caught right in the middle of it again...
watching the family being torn apart by the stupidity of one person...
as if we haven't suffered enough..
as if the pain we went through wasn't enough...
as if his sole aim is to make sure for as long as he is here, we will suffer along with him...

the bright side?
perhaps it brought the rest of the family closer together...
as we all stand on the same side to fight this demon threatening to ruin our lives...
perhaps it made me mature faster than i thought i can...
perhaps...it would put me off marriage and i can finally live with the fact that i am doomed to be single?

day in, day out...
trying to escape from the million claws trying to drag me down into the same pit...
drawing my strength and courage from my work...
numbing myself with endless trashy novels and sappy love songs...
drowning out the hypnotic silence with sheer will...

will i reach a breaking point...?
perhaps...

in the meantime...
the rest of the world continues to move...
and i move along...
keeping that ember of hope alive...
for after the rain, comes the sunshine...
and after the storm,
a stronger me may be born...

bintan...
what do u think of when people tell u 'i'm going to bintan for holiday'?
sun..
bikini...
beach...
sea-sports...
tanning under the hot tropical climate, with a glass of icy-cold juice...

what did i get?
rain..
more rain..
even more rain..
numerous mosquito bites (while the rest of my family had none)...
and yes...even more rain...

oh wait wait..it did stop raining..on the day i was leaving that island...
-_-

and so, i am back home..
still pale..
still pasty..
with numerous red itchy spots on my legs...
and somehow, feeling tired despite doing almost nothing but play mahjong for the last 5 days...

next time i go to bintan, i'll make sure to check when is the rainy season..
and next time, i'll make sure i invest in those anti-mosquitoes patches..

but now..
all i can think of is that i am starting work on monday...
and that if those mozzie bites dun stop itching, i'm gonna scratch till i see blood

sudden craving for ice cream...
haagen daz cookiencream...

mmmmmm.....