I am in a spiteful mood
The kind of mood which will cause me to feel ashamed later on
But for now, I don't care.
Perhaps, nobody is at fault.
Everyone can justify for why they did it,
And for some time, I've learnt to accept their reason as it is
No questions asked.
Today...
Or rather, this week...
For some reason I cannot pin-point
I am not accepting things as they are.
Some will say that I am forgotten because I don't make an effort to be remembered
Some will say that I am forgotten because people do forget.
I admit, I forget things too.
I forget to bring my handphone every now and then
I forget to hand in assignments every now and then
But, I do not forget people.
If I said I forgot somebody, I'm lying.
Yes, I'm a liar too.
Because to me, every person who enters my life deserves to be remembered.
So in that sense, I guess I am not significant enough to be remembered
And in that sense, I refuse to be pacified with any reasons thrown my way for not remembering me
In a very dark moment, I kind of wish I don't have to be remembered
Just leave and everyone can be happy with not having to remember one more person
Being left out is a common occurence in my life
You are going to argue that this probably means there is something wrong with me
That's why I am so forgettable.
Perhaps, it is true.
I am not someone who is the life of party nor the brain of the group
I am horribly difficult to get along with
And terribly hard to communicate
I have a bad temper and cries easily.
So, forget about me.
And if you do forget, please do so consistently.
Please do not occasionally remember, then sometimes forget.
That makes me feel more unwanted,
Like I have done something wrong and that is why I am being forgotten.
If you never remember me, then I know I don't have to expect anything.
I can do everything, without feeling that I am lacking and therefore, I have been forgotten.
The hurt runs deeper than you realized.
But I do not blame you.
I know it is my fault that I am forgotten.
Just don't expect me to laugh it off and join in the fun when you remember to ask me.
Because I can't.
And now, because I don't want to.
~poisoned by spite~
ok, I am officially sick and tired of the following questions
1) What happened to your wrist?
2) How's your wrist?
3) So...what are you doing now?
ok, so I am ungrateful and evil. People ask because they care, and I should be grateful that people care.
In fact, I am very thankful for the heaps of care and concern piled onto me when this whole thing started.
There is also a very fine line between caring and suffocating. And right now, I am crumbling beneath the care and concern. I am very sorry to anyone who is hurt/has been hurt by my usually-very-abrupt outbursts of annoyance.
Eventually, I will get over it and as one of my favourite sayings goes, 'what doesn't kill me makes me stronger'.
But before I become stronger, I am very weak...emotionally and mentally squishy-like-tofu kind of weak.
So, once and for all, I am going to blog about my injury and please, DON'T ever ask me those three questions...
1) What happened to your wrist?
Honestly, I don't know what I did to it. It was not fall-down-ouch-ouch-kena-injured kind of scenario. The only few things I can think of that could have contributed to the injury is
a) A patient who was difficult to facilitate to walk...and I was seeing her 5-6x per week, walking up to 45minutes each time and for almost 2 months. i.e. repetitive strain
b) Spring cleaning, which involved scrubbing pots and washing walls etc etc i.e. repetitive strain again
c) Fall recovery from wheelchair. Was learning how to do advanced wheelchair skills, including wheelie (balancing on the 2 large wheels) and recovering from a 'fall' when the wheelchair tips over backward. No, I did not fall. It was a simulated fall...what did happened was that my right forearm was supinated and wrist was in a hyperextended position, and I had most of my body weight on it while pushing up from the floor (to tip the wheelchair back to upright with me sitting in it).
I can't describe it very well. If I can find a video, I'll put it up
So what kind of injury did I get? Well, I've had a few diagnoses so far
1) ECU (extensor carpi ulnaris) tendon strain. This tendon is found on the little finger side of the wrist, near a bone (ulnar styloid) that protudes out at the wrist.
2) TFCC (triangular fibrocartilage complex) tear. This was found on the MRI done in July 2009.
What is TFCC? Please refer to http://www.eorthopod.com/content/triangular-fibrocartilage-complex-tfcc-injuries
3) SL (scapholunate) and LT (lunotriquetral) instability. Found this during my wrist arthroscopy (put camera into wrist and take a look around) in Aug 2009.
if you are not medically trained, you must be scratching your head now.
Ok, basic wrist anatomy. There are a few bones which is found in the wrist area. To be exact, the wrist joint is made up of your 2 forearm bones (radius and ulna) and 8 small bones knows as carpi. Their names are Scaphoid, Lunate, Triquetrum, Pisiform, Trapezium, Trapezoid, Capitate and Hamate. First four are found nearer to your forearm bone, the other 4 are further away.
Still confused? Refer to http://www.eorthopod.com/content/wrist-anatomy
Anyway, so I have SL and LT instability. Which means my wrist is quite unstable..which means I have to be extra careful with using my right hand so that I don't overload the other joints/ligaments and tear more stuff...
4) Most recent diagnosis is that I also have a tear in my ulnotriquetral ligament (ligament that joints ulna bone to triquetrum). For more info, refer to http://www.mayoclinic.org/ulnar-wrist-pain/
To sum up, I have a really wonkly right wrist that may not be able to hold up much load. Which basically means my PT career is in jeopardy...which is why I am so upset and don't really want to talk about it.
Got the idea now?
2) How's your wrist?
Ok, I've got a wonky wrist. How wonky?
Well, it's not wonky to the point that I cannot use it. I get pain when I go to the end of the range, and my range is what therapists call 'functional' i.e. can get by with day-to-day activities.
Thing is, if you think about it, I can go roller blading and I just came back from a 3/4 completed Ophir climb (did not complete not cos I cannot make it, but cos of a VVVVVVVIP who was enjoying the view up on the summit and has hung a Do Not Disturb sign).
So, it seems like it's really not that bad...if I am a tai-tai or admin personel. I mean, with my wrist, I can play mahjong, type, eat, cook, wash dishes etc etc etc...
But, I am not a tai-tai, nor do I want to be in admin forever and ever more. So I desperately need my wrist to be strong and pain-free so I can go back to lugging patients to walk, climb stairs...or even to get our of bed.
How's my wrist? That is one question that is bound to bring either tears or a very pissed-off remark from me. So, I suggest that questions like that do not come my way for now. Thank you.
But, some people are truly concerned and wish they know more so they can help in one way or another. Alright. To sum up: I can move my hand like anyone of you out there, except I get pain and I cannot carry heavy loads (<5kg). Point is, I still have pain and I am nowhere nearer to lugging anything more than a pack of rice.
3) So...what are you doing now?
This question is sooooooo hard to answer, and sooooooooo easy to get onto my nerves. Sigh...
Ok, so I cannot see patients. What do I do? I do admin stuff. What stuff?
I really don't know what to say. Ok, maybe something like 'providing administrative support for projects and initiatives'. I think that's the best way to sum it up.
If you really want to probe further (which I suggest you don't cos I'll snap at you *gggrrrrr*), I help to draft out documents, brainstorm on ideas for projects and initiatives, research for information, collate information that has been researched or collected etc...
By this point, if you still probe further, I will just glare at you and walk away. So I am not going to explain further than this. Either you get it, or you don't *shrug*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alrightey, I have given my answers to THAT 3 questions. So please please PLEASE!!! don't ask me again...
If I improve or regress, I will update my blog and you can read all about it.
If there are no news, there is no improvement.
So please please PLEASE!! Try to control your curiosity and not ask me ok?
And I really appreciate all the care and concern shown to me. I really am very grateful...
It's just that it's been getting a little too much, and what I need now is some space to breathe, to grieve and to come to terms with the possibility of losing my career as a PT.
~ppppffffffffffft~
1) What happened to your wrist?
2) How's your wrist?
3) So...what are you doing now?
ok, so I am ungrateful and evil. People ask because they care, and I should be grateful that people care.
In fact, I am very thankful for the heaps of care and concern piled onto me when this whole thing started.
There is also a very fine line between caring and suffocating. And right now, I am crumbling beneath the care and concern. I am very sorry to anyone who is hurt/has been hurt by my usually-very-abrupt outbursts of annoyance.
Eventually, I will get over it and as one of my favourite sayings goes, 'what doesn't kill me makes me stronger'.
But before I become stronger, I am very weak...emotionally and mentally squishy-like-tofu kind of weak.
So, once and for all, I am going to blog about my injury and please, DON'T ever ask me those three questions...
1) What happened to your wrist?
Honestly, I don't know what I did to it. It was not fall-down-ouch-ouch-kena-injured kind of scenario. The only few things I can think of that could have contributed to the injury is
a) A patient who was difficult to facilitate to walk...and I was seeing her 5-6x per week, walking up to 45minutes each time and for almost 2 months. i.e. repetitive strain
b) Spring cleaning, which involved scrubbing pots and washing walls etc etc i.e. repetitive strain again
c) Fall recovery from wheelchair. Was learning how to do advanced wheelchair skills, including wheelie (balancing on the 2 large wheels) and recovering from a 'fall' when the wheelchair tips over backward. No, I did not fall. It was a simulated fall...what did happened was that my right forearm was supinated and wrist was in a hyperextended position, and I had most of my body weight on it while pushing up from the floor (to tip the wheelchair back to upright with me sitting in it).
I can't describe it very well. If I can find a video, I'll put it up
So what kind of injury did I get? Well, I've had a few diagnoses so far
1) ECU (extensor carpi ulnaris) tendon strain. This tendon is found on the little finger side of the wrist, near a bone (ulnar styloid) that protudes out at the wrist.
2) TFCC (triangular fibrocartilage complex) tear. This was found on the MRI done in July 2009.
What is TFCC? Please refer to http://www.eorthopod.com/content/triangular-fibrocartilage-complex-tfcc-injuries
3) SL (scapholunate) and LT (lunotriquetral) instability. Found this during my wrist arthroscopy (put camera into wrist and take a look around) in Aug 2009.
if you are not medically trained, you must be scratching your head now.
Ok, basic wrist anatomy. There are a few bones which is found in the wrist area. To be exact, the wrist joint is made up of your 2 forearm bones (radius and ulna) and 8 small bones knows as carpi. Their names are Scaphoid, Lunate, Triquetrum, Pisiform, Trapezium, Trapezoid, Capitate and Hamate. First four are found nearer to your forearm bone, the other 4 are further away.
Still confused? Refer to http://www.eorthopod.com/content/wrist-anatomy
Anyway, so I have SL and LT instability. Which means my wrist is quite unstable..which means I have to be extra careful with using my right hand so that I don't overload the other joints/ligaments and tear more stuff...
4) Most recent diagnosis is that I also have a tear in my ulnotriquetral ligament (ligament that joints ulna bone to triquetrum). For more info, refer to http://www.mayoclinic.org/ulnar-wrist-pain/
To sum up, I have a really wonkly right wrist that may not be able to hold up much load. Which basically means my PT career is in jeopardy...which is why I am so upset and don't really want to talk about it.
Got the idea now?
2) How's your wrist?
Ok, I've got a wonky wrist. How wonky?
Well, it's not wonky to the point that I cannot use it. I get pain when I go to the end of the range, and my range is what therapists call 'functional' i.e. can get by with day-to-day activities.
Thing is, if you think about it, I can go roller blading and I just came back from a 3/4 completed Ophir climb (did not complete not cos I cannot make it, but cos of a VVVVVVVIP who was enjoying the view up on the summit and has hung a Do Not Disturb sign).
So, it seems like it's really not that bad...if I am a tai-tai or admin personel. I mean, with my wrist, I can play mahjong, type, eat, cook, wash dishes etc etc etc...
But, I am not a tai-tai, nor do I want to be in admin forever and ever more. So I desperately need my wrist to be strong and pain-free so I can go back to lugging patients to walk, climb stairs...or even to get our of bed.
How's my wrist? That is one question that is bound to bring either tears or a very pissed-off remark from me. So, I suggest that questions like that do not come my way for now. Thank you.
But, some people are truly concerned and wish they know more so they can help in one way or another. Alright. To sum up: I can move my hand like anyone of you out there, except I get pain and I cannot carry heavy loads (<5kg). Point is, I still have pain and I am nowhere nearer to lugging anything more than a pack of rice.
3) So...what are you doing now?
This question is sooooooo hard to answer, and sooooooooo easy to get onto my nerves. Sigh...
Ok, so I cannot see patients. What do I do? I do admin stuff. What stuff?
I really don't know what to say. Ok, maybe something like 'providing administrative support for projects and initiatives'. I think that's the best way to sum it up.
If you really want to probe further (which I suggest you don't cos I'll snap at you *gggrrrrr*), I help to draft out documents, brainstorm on ideas for projects and initiatives, research for information, collate information that has been researched or collected etc...
By this point, if you still probe further, I will just glare at you and walk away. So I am not going to explain further than this. Either you get it, or you don't *shrug*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alrightey, I have given my answers to THAT 3 questions. So please please PLEASE!!! don't ask me again...
If I improve or regress, I will update my blog and you can read all about it.
If there are no news, there is no improvement.
So please please PLEASE!! Try to control your curiosity and not ask me ok?
And I really appreciate all the care and concern shown to me. I really am very grateful...
It's just that it's been getting a little too much, and what I need now is some space to breathe, to grieve and to come to terms with the possibility of losing my career as a PT.
~ppppffffffffffft~
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