Treasure those whom you love,
as if you'll lose them tomorrow.
Don't hold back in fear of losing them one day,
in the end you might lose it all.
Trust your instincts;listen to your heart,
sometimes the mind makes the wrong decisions.
Let the tears flow and let the laughter ring,
for emotions is what makes us human beings.
Hug someone for a second longer,
cos that's one more second with that person.
Think twice before letting someone go...that person might never return to your side
Ponder before walking away...you might never have the chance to walk back again
of letters and tsunamis
just finished typing a recommendation letter for han wei so that he can apply to go on a student exchange programme next year to....MELBOURNE!!!!
naturally,i am all-out 100% undeniably supportive of him. one whole semester with him...getting to see him everyday...not having to spend so much money on phone cards and not getting fustrated with waiting for his phone calls. yesyesyes...i am very looking forward to it.
but pessimistic person i am, i dun wanna get my hopes too high up. as han wei keeps reminding me, him applying not equal to him getting a place. so i am just trying to tie my madly excitedly hopping hopes down...
ok, back to the letter. basically he needs 2 letter - one from a lecturer/tutor and one from 'someone who knows the applicant on a social/community level'. i have no idea at what level i know him lah. so i thought i'll just type whatever good things i can think of about him lor. and since i am so enthusiastic about him going, i can just about pour every single good thing about him onto pen and paper...
which proves to be a huge mistake cos all the good things i know about him not exactly traits that they are looking for. i mean, i cannot say in the letter that 'he is a romantic and sensitive guy'...so i have to crack my head for more neutral descriptions. i had to revert back to "Ms Ni" mode, as if i am recommending him from a teacher's point of view. but i realised i only taught him for like 4 months and have nothing much to say.
arghz...imagine the fustrations. eventually,i settled for a teacher-friend perspective. wah,i say him until he is like a model student/Singaporean/friend. quite proud of myself actually...to put myself out of my usual "han wei is my boyfriend" mode and write about him from a different point of view. *applause*
ok, now talk about something different. guess by now most of you would have heard about the earthquake in the Indian Ocean yesterday, causing tsunamis that crashed into sri lanka, maldives, phuket, malaysia and indonesia yesterday. well, apparently the shakes could be felt in Singapore..i din feel it, but yesterday morning, about the time of the quake, the birds here went berserk and started screeching at the top of their seemingly-teeny lungs (and according to my mum, my hamsters were frantically trying to bury themselves under the wood shavings...) i was still in dreamland, so i was quite irritated by the racket. but now that i think about it, i think human beings very lousy leh. the birds can feel the quake, yet we won't even know about it until the news report. tsk tsk...
yet another natural disaster that killed so many...sighz. the past couple of years have seen many disasters of all kinds befalling upon the human species. is the end already in sight? would "the day after tomorrow' actually come true?!? things seems to be going downhill in all aspects of life...the future looks bleak and gloomy...arghz...i can feel my morale being dragged down...down...down
naturally,i am all-out 100% undeniably supportive of him. one whole semester with him...getting to see him everyday...not having to spend so much money on phone cards and not getting fustrated with waiting for his phone calls. yesyesyes...i am very looking forward to it.
but pessimistic person i am, i dun wanna get my hopes too high up. as han wei keeps reminding me, him applying not equal to him getting a place. so i am just trying to tie my madly excitedly hopping hopes down...
ok, back to the letter. basically he needs 2 letter - one from a lecturer/tutor and one from 'someone who knows the applicant on a social/community level'. i have no idea at what level i know him lah. so i thought i'll just type whatever good things i can think of about him lor. and since i am so enthusiastic about him going, i can just about pour every single good thing about him onto pen and paper...
which proves to be a huge mistake cos all the good things i know about him not exactly traits that they are looking for. i mean, i cannot say in the letter that 'he is a romantic and sensitive guy'...so i have to crack my head for more neutral descriptions. i had to revert back to "Ms Ni" mode, as if i am recommending him from a teacher's point of view. but i realised i only taught him for like 4 months and have nothing much to say.
arghz...imagine the fustrations. eventually,i settled for a teacher-friend perspective. wah,i say him until he is like a model student/Singaporean/friend. quite proud of myself actually...to put myself out of my usual "han wei is my boyfriend" mode and write about him from a different point of view. *applause*
ok, now talk about something different. guess by now most of you would have heard about the earthquake in the Indian Ocean yesterday, causing tsunamis that crashed into sri lanka, maldives, phuket, malaysia and indonesia yesterday. well, apparently the shakes could be felt in Singapore..i din feel it, but yesterday morning, about the time of the quake, the birds here went berserk and started screeching at the top of their seemingly-teeny lungs (and according to my mum, my hamsters were frantically trying to bury themselves under the wood shavings...) i was still in dreamland, so i was quite irritated by the racket. but now that i think about it, i think human beings very lousy leh. the birds can feel the quake, yet we won't even know about it until the news report. tsk tsk...
yet another natural disaster that killed so many...sighz. the past couple of years have seen many disasters of all kinds befalling upon the human species. is the end already in sight? would "the day after tomorrow' actually come true?!? things seems to be going downhill in all aspects of life...the future looks bleak and gloomy...arghz...i can feel my morale being dragged down...down...down
exhausted
my attachment/elective at NUH started on monday..and i am doing paediatrics physiotherapy for the next 4 weeks.
i am SOOOOOOOOO exhausted.
not cos of the frequent playing i have to do with the kids..not cos of the hours i spent rolling around on the mats with kids who cannot walk...
but because everyday when i come home, i am greeted by the sight on my house in total mess and chaos. so i cannot just sit back and relax. i have to help my mummy sweep and mop and wipe. by the time i have dinner, it's about 9pm...and then, before i know it, my eyelids droop and i had to go to bed.
just the effort of typing this blog is giving a terrible headache. i am not complaining about my attachment (yet...) my physio is a great person...and the patients we see are really interesting. though their conditions really do break my heart at times. young, innoncent children stricken with diseases that leave them unable to do the simple things that most kids can. and some of them are born 'normal' and uncomplicated...but their simple lives crushed by an infection or a fall..or by reasons unknown. especially when the patient is a little baby...small and fragile,but with a will to live so strong...fighting to stay alive, struggling to take each breath or move each limb.
and let's not forget the caregivers who give their time and almost their lives to care for these brave kids. parents who continue to carry their child on/off wheelchairs, who stayed by their child's bedside to give them the morale to go on fighting...maids who are in charge of the child's stretching routine, who knows more about the child's progress than the parents.
i'm only halfway through this week...but the effort to keep my eyes open and tear-free is getting harder and harder.
Merry Christmas to everyone...and please keep in mind these brave soldiers, fighting in endless battles to keep themselves moving and alive.
i am SOOOOOOOOO exhausted.
not cos of the frequent playing i have to do with the kids..not cos of the hours i spent rolling around on the mats with kids who cannot walk...
but because everyday when i come home, i am greeted by the sight on my house in total mess and chaos. so i cannot just sit back and relax. i have to help my mummy sweep and mop and wipe. by the time i have dinner, it's about 9pm...and then, before i know it, my eyelids droop and i had to go to bed.
just the effort of typing this blog is giving a terrible headache. i am not complaining about my attachment (yet...) my physio is a great person...and the patients we see are really interesting. though their conditions really do break my heart at times. young, innoncent children stricken with diseases that leave them unable to do the simple things that most kids can. and some of them are born 'normal' and uncomplicated...but their simple lives crushed by an infection or a fall..or by reasons unknown. especially when the patient is a little baby...small and fragile,but with a will to live so strong...fighting to stay alive, struggling to take each breath or move each limb.
and let's not forget the caregivers who give their time and almost their lives to care for these brave kids. parents who continue to carry their child on/off wheelchairs, who stayed by their child's bedside to give them the morale to go on fighting...maids who are in charge of the child's stretching routine, who knows more about the child's progress than the parents.
i'm only halfway through this week...but the effort to keep my eyes open and tear-free is getting harder and harder.
Merry Christmas to everyone...and please keep in mind these brave soldiers, fighting in endless battles to keep themselves moving and alive.
Gretel the intruder
I've taken up a new hobby - randomly picking blogs to read. these 'victims' are usually friends of friends. at first it was pretty fun...reading in awe of the powerful command of english my fellow singaporeans possess. now, slowly but surely, a sense of shame is beginning to infiltrate my brain.
am i intruding on peoples' privacy?
well, i am not so sure actually. for myself, i am totally ok with friends of my friends reading my blog. i mean, my blog is like boring anyway. but some of the blogs that I've barged into actually talks about pretty personal stuff. and i usually read the first 5 sentences, realised that i shouldn't be reading it and then quickly leave the blog.
then again, some of the blogs are really AMAZING. not just cos of the 'blow-my-mind' English, but also cos of the talents these people have. from writing poems to photography, i think the sense of shame really stem from the fact that I am horribly, terribly, perfectly UNTALENTED whatsoever. *sigh*
I've recently added another fellow blogger (alwyn), who is a friend of Germaine and takes stunning photos. ok, i must admit i am no expert at admiring photos...but i really think they are really good. so i really recommend people who reads my blog to go take a look at Alwyn's blog.
now i know why few people read my blog..cos there's so many other great ones out there...people where got time to read mine, yeah? here,i really must say a big thank you to all those who had been reading my depressing and boring blog.
but i do have to remind myself (and/or everyone else...) that my blog is my outlet for fustrations and anger...for feelings and emotions that i cannot verbally express (cos i would turn as red as ketchup)...for sharing my sort-of innermost thoughts.
so as boring as it may seem...as depressing as it may look...Disillusioned is like a keyhole for my friends to have a look at who i really am...how i really feel..what i really think. Have a little peep through this keyhole...and if you can,please give me some feedback/advice/complaints.
okie dokie, i've confessed i am a blog intruder. and now,i am going back to doing what i've been doing for the past hour or so...intruding more blogs. WUAH HA HA HA HA HA!!
am i intruding on peoples' privacy?
well, i am not so sure actually. for myself, i am totally ok with friends of my friends reading my blog. i mean, my blog is like boring anyway. but some of the blogs that I've barged into actually talks about pretty personal stuff. and i usually read the first 5 sentences, realised that i shouldn't be reading it and then quickly leave the blog.
then again, some of the blogs are really AMAZING. not just cos of the 'blow-my-mind' English, but also cos of the talents these people have. from writing poems to photography, i think the sense of shame really stem from the fact that I am horribly, terribly, perfectly UNTALENTED whatsoever. *sigh*
I've recently added another fellow blogger (alwyn), who is a friend of Germaine and takes stunning photos. ok, i must admit i am no expert at admiring photos...but i really think they are really good. so i really recommend people who reads my blog to go take a look at Alwyn's blog.
now i know why few people read my blog..cos there's so many other great ones out there...people where got time to read mine, yeah? here,i really must say a big thank you to all those who had been reading my depressing and boring blog.
but i do have to remind myself (and/or everyone else...) that my blog is my outlet for fustrations and anger...for feelings and emotions that i cannot verbally express (cos i would turn as red as ketchup)...for sharing my sort-of innermost thoughts.
so as boring as it may seem...as depressing as it may look...Disillusioned is like a keyhole for my friends to have a look at who i really am...how i really feel..what i really think. Have a little peep through this keyhole...and if you can,please give me some feedback/advice/complaints.
okie dokie, i've confessed i am a blog intruder. and now,i am going back to doing what i've been doing for the past hour or so...intruding more blogs. WUAH HA HA HA HA HA!!
visit to an army camp...
just sent han wei back to camp, and he managed to get a civilian pass for me to "visit" his bunk. it was like a trip back to my NCC days. dusty and rusty cupboards, grey and dust-laden floors, used-to-be white bedsheets and window panes coated with thick thick layers of dust.
eeeww!!
of course, i wasn't supposed to be there in the first place...but my gastrointestinal tract decided to cramp up and force s*** further down south. so no choice,gotta go use the ladies toilet (which was littered with all kinds of junk...)
on the way to the toilet, we passed by an opened bunk door, and han wei said,"that's jinshu's room. dunno why never close the door..." and then we passed by the males toilet. now, the rest of han wei's battalion was supposed to be away on some exercise...so i was pretty shocked to see someone coming out of the guy's toilet.
it was JS.
as i've only seen him once in my life before (at han wei's commissioning ball in april this year), i didn't know it was him until han wei said,"eh, hello!"and i had a better look of who was "hiding" in the toilet... well, js was pretty stunned to see me too, cos i wasn't supposed to be there. i would have loved to stick around to chat, but s*** was threatening to force its way out of my body, so i had to go. by the time i came out, js was walking down the stairs..so all i had managed to say to him was "oh,hello" and "bye bye!"
藉口 Jie Kou Excuse
eeeww!!
of course, i wasn't supposed to be there in the first place...but my gastrointestinal tract decided to cramp up and force s*** further down south. so no choice,gotta go use the ladies toilet (which was littered with all kinds of junk...)
on the way to the toilet, we passed by an opened bunk door, and han wei said,"that's jinshu's room. dunno why never close the door..." and then we passed by the males toilet. now, the rest of han wei's battalion was supposed to be away on some exercise...so i was pretty shocked to see someone coming out of the guy's toilet.
it was JS.
as i've only seen him once in my life before (at han wei's commissioning ball in april this year), i didn't know it was him until han wei said,"eh, hello!"and i had a better look of who was "hiding" in the toilet... well, js was pretty stunned to see me too, cos i wasn't supposed to be there. i would have loved to stick around to chat, but s*** was threatening to force its way out of my body, so i had to go. by the time i came out, js was walking down the stairs..so all i had managed to say to him was "oh,hello" and "bye bye!"
maybe cos i knew what had happened..or i was just too sensitive...or maybe cos it was really there...there seem to be this tinge of sadness shrouding JS...as i drove my way home, a song by jay chow begins to play on the radio...and it struck a certain chord in my heart...
藉口 Jie Kou Excuse
翻著我們的照片 想念若隱若現
fan zhe wo men de zhao pian / xiang nian ruo yin ruo xian
Flipping through our photographs, thoughts of [you] are visible yet invisible
去年的冬天 我們笑得很甜
qu nian de dong tian / wo men xiao de hen tian
Last year's winter, we laughed very sweetly
看著妳哭泣的臉, 對著我說再見
kan zhe ni ku qi de lian / dui zhe wo shuo zai jian
Watching your tearstained face, telling me goodbye
來不及聽見 妳已走得很遠
lai bu ji ting jian / ni yi zou de hen yuan
[I] have yet to hear it when you've already walked so far
也許妳已經放棄我 也許已經很難回頭
ye xu ni yi jing fang qi wo / ye su yi jing hen nan hui tou
Perhaps you have already given up on me, perhaps it is already very difficult to turn back
我知道是自己錯過 請再給我一個理由說妳不愛我
wo zhi dao shi zi ji cuo guo / qing zai gei wo yi ge li you shuo ni bu ai wo
I know it's all my fault, please give me another reason, say you don't love me
就算是我不懂 能不能原諒我
jiu suan shi wo bu dong / neng bu neng yuan liang wo
Even if I don't understand, can [you] forgive me?
請不要把分手當作妳的請求
qing bu yao ba fen shou dang zuo ni de qing qiu
Please don't use parting (breakup) as your request
我知道堅持要走 是妳受傷的藉口
wo zhi dao jian chi yao zou / shi ni shou shang de jie kou
I know wanting to go is your wound's excuse
請妳回頭 我會陪妳一直走到最後
qing ni hui tou / wo hui pei ni yi zhi zou dao zui hou
[Can] you please turn back, I will accompany you until the very end
就算沒有結果 我也能夠承受
jiu suan mei you jie guo / wo ye neng go cheng shou
Even if there is no conclusion, I can still endure
我知道妳的痛 是我給的承諾
wo zhi dao ni de tong / shi wo gei de cheng nuo
I know your pain is the promise I gave
妳說給過我縱容 沉默是因為包容
ni shuo gei guo wo zong rong / chen mo shi yin wei bao rong
You said [you] gave me tolerance, and silence was because of acceptance
如果要走 請妳記得我 如果難過 請妳忘了我
ru guo yao zou / qing ni ji de wo / ru guo nan guo / qing ni wang le wo
If [you] want to go, please remember me, if [you] feel sad, please forget me
sleepy mumblings...
i think i am a freak. i like packing my room. i can spend hours doing it and i totally enjoy it. han wei thinks i am weird...probably cos he thinks packing is an absolute waste of time...
but have you had that experience of going through all these stuff you've accumulated for years and haven't touch them since? and then as you read through old letters..old cards...as you once again hold that photo of people whom you've not talked to for ages...and as you hug that old teddy bear that had been forced into darkness cos your mum keeps telling you that it is gathering dust on the shelf, you take a trip down memory lane. brought back into that past and reliving those moments.
moments of joy...moments of sadness...moments of regret...moments of satisfaction...
but, despite my love for packing, my inate laziness and tendency to procrastinate means i don't even attempt to pack until a need arises. like if my cupboard overflows with stuff...or when my flat is undergoing renovation works...as it is at present
the past few days had been full of excitement. owing to the fact that han wei's parents are away, his father has granted me permission to drive his car. as such, han wei and i had been negotiating along the __Es of Singapore (PIE, AYE, CTE,SLE,TPE,BKE,KJE), had attempted to find that stall in Geylang that sells yummy dou4 jiang1, had sweared at taxi drivers for their irresponsible driving behaviour,had braved through a tropical thunderstorm where visibility dropped down to about 50m etc etc etc
BUT, there was also lots of fustrations. caught in a traffic jam in Orchard, trying to do a parallel park and failing miserably, trying to do reverse parking AND failing miserably etc etc etc...
all in all, i am really grateful to han wei's dad for having that confidence in me to let me drive his car. *sniffle* so touched *sniffle* at least now i am more confident in my driving skills. unfortunately, i cannot say the same for my parking skills. sadness.
i am always filled with joy when i start the engine and drive off...and always filled with dread and apprehension AND nervousness when i reach my destination cos i need to do parking. ARGHZ!!
would there be a day when i can actually feel confident about my parking skills?!?!?!
but have you had that experience of going through all these stuff you've accumulated for years and haven't touch them since? and then as you read through old letters..old cards...as you once again hold that photo of people whom you've not talked to for ages...and as you hug that old teddy bear that had been forced into darkness cos your mum keeps telling you that it is gathering dust on the shelf, you take a trip down memory lane. brought back into that past and reliving those moments.
moments of joy...moments of sadness...moments of regret...moments of satisfaction...
but, despite my love for packing, my inate laziness and tendency to procrastinate means i don't even attempt to pack until a need arises. like if my cupboard overflows with stuff...or when my flat is undergoing renovation works...as it is at present
the past few days had been full of excitement. owing to the fact that han wei's parents are away, his father has granted me permission to drive his car. as such, han wei and i had been negotiating along the __Es of Singapore (PIE, AYE, CTE,SLE,TPE,BKE,KJE), had attempted to find that stall in Geylang that sells yummy dou4 jiang1, had sweared at taxi drivers for their irresponsible driving behaviour,had braved through a tropical thunderstorm where visibility dropped down to about 50m etc etc etc
BUT, there was also lots of fustrations. caught in a traffic jam in Orchard, trying to do a parallel park and failing miserably, trying to do reverse parking AND failing miserably etc etc etc...
all in all, i am really grateful to han wei's dad for having that confidence in me to let me drive his car. *sniffle* so touched *sniffle* at least now i am more confident in my driving skills. unfortunately, i cannot say the same for my parking skills. sadness.
i am always filled with joy when i start the engine and drive off...and always filled with dread and apprehension AND nervousness when i reach my destination cos i need to do parking. ARGHZ!!
would there be a day when i can actually feel confident about my parking skills?!?!?!
babblings of a restless mind
halfway through the 5 day 'brain-washing' seminar, i'm proud to announce that my brain is still relatively 'un-washed' by the process.
unfortunately, this seminar has opened my eyes to all the potential challenges Singapore may face in the future...and the future right now looks bleak..and gloomy...
declining population...the public unaware what in the world a physio does...government trying to rule my sex life after i get married...living in fear of suspicious and unattended bags/packages...parents and government both breathing down my neck to PROCREATE PROCREATE!!
it's typical singaporean mentality consuming me right now: BLAME THE GOVERNMENT!!
but i do know that all the Singapore government is trying to do is all for the good of this nation. everyone holds a different view...but perhaps we have to take a step back and give the government some credit for all the efforts put into making Singapore a safe place to be.
It always saddens me when my friends in Melbourne says they don't wanna return to Singapore cos Melbourne/Overseas is better...more opportunities...less stress...better lifestyle... i guess my upbringing has always emphasise on family and home being always hand-in-hand...home is where my family is..and home is where i belong...therefore, i belong to where my family is.
i know Singapore is not the best place in the world...there are many limitations living on this "tiny red dot", not just in terms of land area...but social life gets affected cos besides watching movie or having dinner, there's nothing much else to do.
but due to my lack of guts, if i were to choose between a safe country (both internal and external security) and a fun country (which has high crime rates or is an even more prominent target for terrorists), i think safety and stability would be the way to go.
that's just me lah. many young singaporeans would probably think differently...
guess i am not young anymore huh? *sighz*
unfortunately, this seminar has opened my eyes to all the potential challenges Singapore may face in the future...and the future right now looks bleak..and gloomy...
declining population...the public unaware what in the world a physio does...government trying to rule my sex life after i get married...living in fear of suspicious and unattended bags/packages...parents and government both breathing down my neck to PROCREATE PROCREATE!!
it's typical singaporean mentality consuming me right now: BLAME THE GOVERNMENT!!
but i do know that all the Singapore government is trying to do is all for the good of this nation. everyone holds a different view...but perhaps we have to take a step back and give the government some credit for all the efforts put into making Singapore a safe place to be.
It always saddens me when my friends in Melbourne says they don't wanna return to Singapore cos Melbourne/Overseas is better...more opportunities...less stress...better lifestyle... i guess my upbringing has always emphasise on family and home being always hand-in-hand...home is where my family is..and home is where i belong...therefore, i belong to where my family is.
i know Singapore is not the best place in the world...there are many limitations living on this "tiny red dot", not just in terms of land area...but social life gets affected cos besides watching movie or having dinner, there's nothing much else to do.
but due to my lack of guts, if i were to choose between a safe country (both internal and external security) and a fun country (which has high crime rates or is an even more prominent target for terrorists), i think safety and stability would be the way to go.
that's just me lah. many young singaporeans would probably think differently...
guess i am not young anymore huh? *sighz*
especially for han wei
just read a friend's blog. just found out another long distance relationship has failed the test of time and distance. yet another typical ending, even though i do have to say i am not surprised.
physically separated, emotionally isolated...keeping a relationship alive through endless hours of phone conversation...not being able to touch the other person...unable to decipher the hidden feelings over the long distances...repetitive reunion and separation...living through that pain time and again.
i know it too well
makes me wonder if my long distance relationship is gonna brave through all the ups and downs...whether han wei and i would emerge as the rare few couples who stuck together, for better and worse and successfully overcome the barriers of distance and time. too often i've seen long dist relationships fail...too often i've worried whether i would become one of the statistics...and too often i've nearly caused the death of my relationship.
so far,i've been lucky. han wei and i had our fights...had our squabbles...had our fair share of cold wars...but all had ended in us making up. to say i am glad is a major understatement. over the past 3 years 8 months 5 days, i've oscillated between utter bliss to complete disappointment, total happiness to overwhelming sadness, toe-curling sweetness to mind-numbing loneliness. deep in my heart, there's always this sense of guilt...like a slow-acting, long-lasting drug.
guilty for leaving him here...guilty for going overseas...guilty for tying him down...guilty for all the tears he's shed for me...guilty for the loneliness he endures...guilt guilt guilt
similar to the gal in this relationship that has ended so recently. perhaps for her, the end of the relationship seems the only fair thing to do...so that guy can go ahead and move on...and so she can move on too. she said it's unfair to him...unfair that he devotes himself only to her, denying himself the chance to go for someone better.
i can't help but wonder: isn't that how a serious relationship should be?
to be hopelessly devoted. to be head-over-heels in love with that special someone. to want to spend the rest of your life with him/her. to realise that many other potential candidates would step into your life, but knowing that he/she is the only one for you. to know that no-one can ever come close to being better, because he/she has that special factor which makes u want to be by his/her side now and forever.
perhaps i am being unrealistic. but that's the way i feel about han wei. to say i've never been tempted by another guy is like saying i am a saint (which i obviously am not). being separated so far apart, it's hard not to sway when another guy treats me so well. but i've never gave in to the temptations, and many friends have asked me why. and i always give the same answer...
"because he's the only one who can make me cry and then make me laugh..."
physically separated, emotionally isolated...keeping a relationship alive through endless hours of phone conversation...not being able to touch the other person...unable to decipher the hidden feelings over the long distances...repetitive reunion and separation...living through that pain time and again.
i know it too well
makes me wonder if my long distance relationship is gonna brave through all the ups and downs...whether han wei and i would emerge as the rare few couples who stuck together, for better and worse and successfully overcome the barriers of distance and time. too often i've seen long dist relationships fail...too often i've worried whether i would become one of the statistics...and too often i've nearly caused the death of my relationship.
so far,i've been lucky. han wei and i had our fights...had our squabbles...had our fair share of cold wars...but all had ended in us making up. to say i am glad is a major understatement. over the past 3 years 8 months 5 days, i've oscillated between utter bliss to complete disappointment, total happiness to overwhelming sadness, toe-curling sweetness to mind-numbing loneliness. deep in my heart, there's always this sense of guilt...like a slow-acting, long-lasting drug.
guilty for leaving him here...guilty for going overseas...guilty for tying him down...guilty for all the tears he's shed for me...guilty for the loneliness he endures...guilt guilt guilt
similar to the gal in this relationship that has ended so recently. perhaps for her, the end of the relationship seems the only fair thing to do...so that guy can go ahead and move on...and so she can move on too. she said it's unfair to him...unfair that he devotes himself only to her, denying himself the chance to go for someone better.
i can't help but wonder: isn't that how a serious relationship should be?
to be hopelessly devoted. to be head-over-heels in love with that special someone. to want to spend the rest of your life with him/her. to realise that many other potential candidates would step into your life, but knowing that he/she is the only one for you. to know that no-one can ever come close to being better, because he/she has that special factor which makes u want to be by his/her side now and forever.
perhaps i am being unrealistic. but that's the way i feel about han wei. to say i've never been tempted by another guy is like saying i am a saint (which i obviously am not). being separated so far apart, it's hard not to sway when another guy treats me so well. but i've never gave in to the temptations, and many friends have asked me why. and i always give the same answer...
"because he's the only one who can make me cry and then make me laugh..."
a friend of mine once asked me: how do you know if he is THE ONE?
the thing is...i don't know. because the only constant in life is change...the only definite thing in life is death.
perhaps..he's not. but i wouldn't know until i've given my best, will i? if all things ends well, i can smile and embrace the beautiful future ahead. if not, then at least i can look back and smile in memory of the happy times we had...and knowing that i've given my best shot to make it work.
surrounded by friends whose long distance relationships have all ended up to nothing, i am definitely worried. but i am also very determined to make this relationship of mine work as well as i can. i've fought for it to stay alive for 3+ years...and i'm ready to keep fighting as long as i know han wei is there, by my side, fighting along with me.Gretel in the middle...
everyone else seems to have stopped blogging or stopped reading blogs. most of the blogs i visit seems to have remained unchanged everyday.
as for me...well,blogging is about the only way to vent my fustrations. but even i am getting lazy. or maybe,i am just running out of words to describe the way i feel.
caught in the middle of my father and mother. not knowing what to do. father blames mum for everything, and yet denies that he is not complaining. mother hurt by dad's past irresponsible behaviour, and yet claims that she has forgiven him. add a heck-care brother to the mixture, i can't seem to find any words in my limited vocabulary to adequately describe how i feel.
torn? yeah, quite abit. confused? very much. upset? oh yeah, definitely. fustrated? yes, most probably.
a word to sum it all up? either the word has yet to be invented, or i haven't learn it yet.
looking back at the past 6 years makes me wonder how on earth did my parents stay together for 30+ years...and how on earth did this family stick together after all we've gone through.
superhuman determination or just sheer luck?
communication between my parents have completely broken down. they read between the lines...they jump to conclusions...they lash out at each other..they sulk all day long...and they pour their sides of stories to me.
but what am i supposed to do?
whatever i say, it falls on deaf ears. whatever i do, it's hopeless. stuck in the middle with nowhere to run...nowhere to hide. is this gonna be my life when i return home for good next year?
caught in the turmoils of family conflicts between the two senior members of this home. they are the adults...they are the one who, by right, knows best. they are the ones who, by right, are more able to sit down and talk things through?
so how come they are behaving like two kids, sulking and huffing at each other...? i can almost hear them say to each other,"i don't friend you already" or coming to me and say,"you see, she/he beat me first one!"
i am a 22 years old gal, forced into early parenthood with two children ages 52 years old and 53 years old......
as for me...well,blogging is about the only way to vent my fustrations. but even i am getting lazy. or maybe,i am just running out of words to describe the way i feel.
caught in the middle of my father and mother. not knowing what to do. father blames mum for everything, and yet denies that he is not complaining. mother hurt by dad's past irresponsible behaviour, and yet claims that she has forgiven him. add a heck-care brother to the mixture, i can't seem to find any words in my limited vocabulary to adequately describe how i feel.
torn? yeah, quite abit. confused? very much. upset? oh yeah, definitely. fustrated? yes, most probably.
a word to sum it all up? either the word has yet to be invented, or i haven't learn it yet.
looking back at the past 6 years makes me wonder how on earth did my parents stay together for 30+ years...and how on earth did this family stick together after all we've gone through.
superhuman determination or just sheer luck?
communication between my parents have completely broken down. they read between the lines...they jump to conclusions...they lash out at each other..they sulk all day long...and they pour their sides of stories to me.
but what am i supposed to do?
whatever i say, it falls on deaf ears. whatever i do, it's hopeless. stuck in the middle with nowhere to run...nowhere to hide. is this gonna be my life when i return home for good next year?
caught in the turmoils of family conflicts between the two senior members of this home. they are the adults...they are the one who, by right, knows best. they are the ones who, by right, are more able to sit down and talk things through?
so how come they are behaving like two kids, sulking and huffing at each other...? i can almost hear them say to each other,"i don't friend you already" or coming to me and say,"you see, she/he beat me first one!"
i am a 22 years old gal, forced into early parenthood with two children ages 52 years old and 53 years old......
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