physically separated, emotionally isolated...keeping a relationship alive through endless hours of phone conversation...not being able to touch the other person...unable to decipher the hidden feelings over the long distances...repetitive reunion and separation...living through that pain time and again.
i know it too well
makes me wonder if my long distance relationship is gonna brave through all the ups and downs...whether han wei and i would emerge as the rare few couples who stuck together, for better and worse and successfully overcome the barriers of distance and time. too often i've seen long dist relationships fail...too often i've worried whether i would become one of the statistics...and too often i've nearly caused the death of my relationship.
so far,i've been lucky. han wei and i had our fights...had our squabbles...had our fair share of cold wars...but all had ended in us making up. to say i am glad is a major understatement. over the past 3 years 8 months 5 days, i've oscillated between utter bliss to complete disappointment, total happiness to overwhelming sadness, toe-curling sweetness to mind-numbing loneliness. deep in my heart, there's always this sense of guilt...like a slow-acting, long-lasting drug.
guilty for leaving him here...guilty for going overseas...guilty for tying him down...guilty for all the tears he's shed for me...guilty for the loneliness he endures...guilt guilt guilt
similar to the gal in this relationship that has ended so recently. perhaps for her, the end of the relationship seems the only fair thing to do...so that guy can go ahead and move on...and so she can move on too. she said it's unfair to him...unfair that he devotes himself only to her, denying himself the chance to go for someone better.
i can't help but wonder: isn't that how a serious relationship should be?
to be hopelessly devoted. to be head-over-heels in love with that special someone. to want to spend the rest of your life with him/her. to realise that many other potential candidates would step into your life, but knowing that he/she is the only one for you. to know that no-one can ever come close to being better, because he/she has that special factor which makes u want to be by his/her side now and forever.
perhaps i am being unrealistic. but that's the way i feel about han wei. to say i've never been tempted by another guy is like saying i am a saint (which i obviously am not). being separated so far apart, it's hard not to sway when another guy treats me so well. but i've never gave in to the temptations, and many friends have asked me why. and i always give the same answer...
"because he's the only one who can make me cry and then make me laugh..."
a friend of mine once asked me: how do you know if he is THE ONE?
the thing is...i don't know. because the only constant in life is change...the only definite thing in life is death.
perhaps..he's not. but i wouldn't know until i've given my best, will i? if all things ends well, i can smile and embrace the beautiful future ahead. if not, then at least i can look back and smile in memory of the happy times we had...and knowing that i've given my best shot to make it work.
surrounded by friends whose long distance relationships have all ended up to nothing, i am definitely worried. but i am also very determined to make this relationship of mine work as well as i can. i've fought for it to stay alive for 3+ years...and i'm ready to keep fighting as long as i know han wei is there, by my side, fighting along with me.
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