u can't always get things the way u want it..
u can't always ask for things to be done your way...
u can't always have a smooth sailing day...
and u can't always make the gloom go away

they say that if i smile, my worries will flee
they say that if i dun frown, i will then be happy
they say that give and take some, so no one is left out
they say that it's about how you think, not how it turned out...

and so,
i smiled...
and i tried to chase the gloom away
i didn't frown, even when i dun get what i want...
i gave...and gave...and i didn't ask for anything in return...
and even though the day was far from 'smooth sailing',
i smiled, and tried to stay that way...

but...
as the night comes to an end...
and my tired body wants to rest...
my mind runs on its own..
and the day's events are back...
anger is simmering..
fustration is just beneath the surface...
the frown i held back is etched onto my face..
and my smiling muscles are fatigued, and i've lost that smile i held for the day...

it's not about getting what i want..
but...
dun ask me to do things i dun wanna do..
dun force me out of my comfort zone...
dun tell me 'it's what everyone wants' (because it ISN'T)
dun rationalize that this is the best way it should be done...

i dun ask u to think like i do..
so dun expect me to understand ur view
if u can't put urself in my shoes, then why ask me to be in yours?

it's supposed to be full of fun...
and i was so looking forward to it..
but now...
i'm just dreading it..
because...
it's no longer what i thought it would be..
and as much as i tell myself 'things sometimes don't go the way i want it',
i still feel the anger simmering...the fustration waiting to explode...

~not happy~

不停告诉自己，不要失望。
没有去盼望，哪里来的失望？
不要去想，不要去研究，不要再给自己借口。
“没有，真的真的没有，我没有失望。”

一开始，就是个零。
或许可以说，根本就没有开始。
所以，没有理由不开心。
“没有，真的真的没有，我没有不开心”

是执迷不悔？
还是执迷不悟？
非常非常简单，可是就是走不出。
“没有，真的真的没有，我没有不明白。”

现在，面对自己内心的战争，
旁人帮不了，自己停不了。
等到一方的武器用完了，我的心，就平静了。
“没有，真的真的没有，我没有力气了。”

不要告诉我，明天会更好。
因为我宁愿先应付下一秒，而不要去想明天。
明天的天空，我不知道有没有艳阳高照。
但我的天空，却始终乌云密布。
可是，天黑黑，也是好的。
至少，冷冷的风，让我的心冷静了。
雨滴和泪水，混在一起，我忘记我哭泣了。
所以，
“没有，真的真的没有，我没有事。”

i'm confused...
feeling alot of emotions which i do not understand
i'm so lost...
that i really dunno what to say...to blog...

trying to rationalise things...
only to realise that there is nothing to rationalise...
it was a dead-end..
i knew it..
i know it..
yet, i still keep walking towards it..

now i'm at the end...
yet i can't turn around and trace my way back...
i keep looking for a way around the brick wall ahead...
wondering if i want to try and climb over it..
and perhaps, i'll find that answer i want on the other side...
thinking that if only i've never chosen this path...
i won't be here...
yet, even though logically i should turn around..
somehow, i am stuck..
at the same spot..
doing the same thing...
making the same mistake...
falling into the same trap....

~help~

我不喜欢，流着泪入睡的滋味。
我不喜欢，忍着痛转身的感觉。
我不喜欢，无奈却内疚。
我不喜欢，笑容带着咸咸的泪水。

让我任性，我已无力包容别人。
请你们纵容我，我真的很累，很累。
体力，我可以恢复。
精神，我却已走到了尽头。

退后，让我有路可以走。
不要逼我，前面的黑暗不欢迎我。
我不怕自己走入黑暗，
我只怕走不出来，结果失去了你们。

压力可以是动力，也可以是武器。
我手无寸铁，不要攻击我。
伤痕累累，你们就忍心吗？
难道关怀，不也是动力的来源吗？

不需要嘘寒问暖，那样会虚伪。
刻意的问候，似乎是在试探。
我需要的是空间，
呼吸的空间，休息的空间。

流了泪，释放的情绪只有熊熊看到。
转了身，痛楚的表情没有人知道。
内疚后，无奈变成了无助。

泪干后，是否就代表天晴了？

明天，我会看到怎样的天空？

it's a beautiful sat...
if only my mood can be said the same.

i'm not in a bad mood..
nor an ugly mood...
just...a i-dunno-why-i-am-feeling-so-crap mood

i'm someone bursting with negativity, i would say.
but recently, somehow, i've tried to instill positivity into myself..
and perhaps, tried too hard to influence some of the ppl around me to 'look on the bright side'

now, although my life is really very comfortable, and i probably have nothing to complain about...
there are just some imperfections which i wish can be corrected, make myself more comfortable
one of which is to be positive, so that ppl will like being around me
(or so i'm told by some of my friends...)
and i'm telling u, it's tough to be positive...
perhaps for some, it comes as natural as breathing...
for me, it mind-wrecking hardwork...

which is why, i find myself totally depleted of any form of positivity on this beautiful day.
sun shining, birds singing...
yet all i feel is dread...
i can't describe it better than D.R.E.A.D.
wat am i dreading...?
i wish i know...

so...
rather than forcing myself to be positive and trying to hard to cheer/motivate ppl,
i'd choose to be just ME.
u can call it being negative, i just prefer to call it being natural.
why force a smile when i dun feel like smiling?
why coax a smile from someone who doesn't feel like smiling?
perhaps u can argue that why frown when it uses more muscles than smiling...?

because when u dun feel like smiling, activating those muscles is as difficult as wriggling ur ears (or rolling my tongue which i can't do)

another crappy entry...
it's demoralising to see my entries returning to its depressive state...

then again, if i can't be true to myself on my blog, there's nowhere else for me to do it.

craving for ice cream....
by the beach...

i want holiday...