just had a tiff with han wei.details of which shall remain a secret. dunno whether we would pull through this one.very worried...ironic that yesterday was our 40th month anniversary...yet one day later,we quarelled and now,who knows how many months would be left of han wei and shiyin?
i am fighting with every ounce of my energy to not call him. dun think it would help if i start sobbing over the phone...my brain is just screaming with regret for calling him earlier and kicking a big fuss out of nothing...for making him angry and for making a beautiful saturday into emotional hell.
i can vaguely remember once upon a time when i used to think i am pretty and attractive and talented and that people would fall in love with me right,left and center. possibly due to years of having relatives who "kindly" lied that i am getting prettier.
i wonder where did all those confidence have gone to.and i wonder whether i would ever get it back. cos my self esteem could really do with some sort of a boost to help with my sagging mood.
emailed han wei to apologise...dunno if he would forgive me.
if he doesn't,i can only blame myself.
then again,that's probably what i do most of the time.blaming myself for everything and anything.easier than to find someone else whom i can blame without feeling guilty. if i blame someone else,i'll still feel guilty anyway. so might as well blame myself..
global warming? my fault. world hunger? my fault. increase prevalence of obesity? my fault. hamsters died at home? my fault. hot weather in sg? my fault. cold weather in melb? my fault.
so to everyone out there,if anything bad happens to u,blame it on me. that would make ur life easier...and make my life harder..
but i think i am pretty much swamped with too much troubles to really care that i have another one..so just blame it on me.
because if i can save someone from dropping into emotional hell,at least on some level,i can feel a little happier.
in the meantime,can only wait for han wei to cool down and hopefully forgive me.
complaining abt the weather...again.
it is now 4.34pm on my watch.supposedly,my day should have just ended..but the tute today ended 1 hour early,so here i am,sitting in the library...abt to pour my fustrations into my blog.
weather here is *^%#%$@#&()(*&* sucky!!yesterday morning,melbourne hit a low of 2.5 degree celsius..and the suburb i was in for my clinic had a low of 1 degree celsius.Giovanni(the guy who gives me a lift from Darebin to Repat campus) had a layer of ICE on his windscreen. There were ICE on the grass...talk abt cold...but,i'd rather it be cold and dry and windless like yesterday than for it to be cold and wet and windy,like today.
low temperature is making my body burn off food at an alarming rate...my stomach is rumbling right now although lunch was so filling. i have stop my bingeing on chips for 2 weeks now.still going quite well on my plan to lose my winter fat...hopefully by the time i arrive back in singapore,i would at least be toned. aiming to be thin is no longer realistic.now can only aim to be unflabby...sighz
was watching the OC with germaine last nite.OC=Orange County,a place in California. Every actor/actress in the show is tanned,toned and good looking.Guys have bulging biceps and pecs...girls have nice slim legs and huge boobs.it's like a perfect world or something...i am insanely envious of the girls' nice slim legs...my legs could be mistaken as pig trotters. yucks.
and,there was a cute actor in the show.he's more boyish than cute...and well,boyish guys appeals to me.hehe..and to germaine as well since she couldn't stop swooning over him whenever he appears on the tv screen. :P
there was this other guy who germaine says remind her of Ken,Barbie's boyfriend (barbie=barbie doll).to me,he looks like a brainless hunk...all muscles,no brain. he totally represents those hunky football team captains who dates the head cheerleader.he was like oozing snobbishness...his face seems to be saying "i am so cute,u are going to fall in love with me." well,to me...he's as attractive as bird poo.
little luxuries like watching tv with someone...i never used to appreciate it.now,i look forward to having germaine over so much. in fact,i dun even switch on the tv if she's not at my place.
oh my...getting homesick already.i miss the 29" TV at home...and i miss my queen size bed...and i miss my hamsters...
missing home...missing mummy...missing daddy....missing han wei...
and today's my father's bday...wish i am back home celebrating with him.but i'm not.yet another thing for me to whine abt...
on the brighter side,at least the day is getting longer...as in sun rise earlier and sun sets later.*smile* feels much better for me when i am waiting for the bus with some light in the sky.
then again,gloomy weather dominates majority of my life.so does gloomy mood.moving out of college square is most likely impossible this year.might end up moving next year...weipeng may not be able to stay with germaine and me next year.long long story which i would elaborate some other time because typing on this faulty keyboard requires too much effort.why?cos the space bar is super insensitive and i have to tap it really hard.annoying me like crazy. *grumble grumble*
i am sneezy,sleepy and grumpy rolled into one.3 dwarves combined...that equals to big fat Gretel.
so,another gloomy day...another gloomy entry...what's new in my life,eh?
weather here is *^%#%$@#&()(*&* sucky!!yesterday morning,melbourne hit a low of 2.5 degree celsius..and the suburb i was in for my clinic had a low of 1 degree celsius.Giovanni(the guy who gives me a lift from Darebin to Repat campus) had a layer of ICE on his windscreen. There were ICE on the grass...talk abt cold...but,i'd rather it be cold and dry and windless like yesterday than for it to be cold and wet and windy,like today.
low temperature is making my body burn off food at an alarming rate...my stomach is rumbling right now although lunch was so filling. i have stop my bingeing on chips for 2 weeks now.still going quite well on my plan to lose my winter fat...hopefully by the time i arrive back in singapore,i would at least be toned. aiming to be thin is no longer realistic.now can only aim to be unflabby...sighz
was watching the OC with germaine last nite.OC=Orange County,a place in California. Every actor/actress in the show is tanned,toned and good looking.Guys have bulging biceps and pecs...girls have nice slim legs and huge boobs.it's like a perfect world or something...i am insanely envious of the girls' nice slim legs...my legs could be mistaken as pig trotters. yucks.
and,there was a cute actor in the show.he's more boyish than cute...and well,boyish guys appeals to me.hehe..and to germaine as well since she couldn't stop swooning over him whenever he appears on the tv screen. :P
there was this other guy who germaine says remind her of Ken,Barbie's boyfriend (barbie=barbie doll).to me,he looks like a brainless hunk...all muscles,no brain. he totally represents those hunky football team captains who dates the head cheerleader.he was like oozing snobbishness...his face seems to be saying "i am so cute,u are going to fall in love with me." well,to me...he's as attractive as bird poo.
little luxuries like watching tv with someone...i never used to appreciate it.now,i look forward to having germaine over so much. in fact,i dun even switch on the tv if she's not at my place.
oh my...getting homesick already.i miss the 29" TV at home...and i miss my queen size bed...and i miss my hamsters...
missing home...missing mummy...missing daddy....missing han wei...
and today's my father's bday...wish i am back home celebrating with him.but i'm not.yet another thing for me to whine abt...
on the brighter side,at least the day is getting longer...as in sun rise earlier and sun sets later.*smile* feels much better for me when i am waiting for the bus with some light in the sky.
then again,gloomy weather dominates majority of my life.so does gloomy mood.moving out of college square is most likely impossible this year.might end up moving next year...weipeng may not be able to stay with germaine and me next year.long long story which i would elaborate some other time because typing on this faulty keyboard requires too much effort.why?cos the space bar is super insensitive and i have to tap it really hard.annoying me like crazy. *grumble grumble*
i am sneezy,sleepy and grumpy rolled into one.3 dwarves combined...that equals to big fat Gretel.
so,another gloomy day...another gloomy entry...what's new in my life,eh?
my desktop wall paper...
so upset on thursday nite,couldn't get work done. so i compiled a few of my fav pics into a "collage" as my desktop wallpaper...
could life be any suckier?
i think i should change the name of my blog to "Depressed" instead. cos almost every blog i've posted is abt how sucky my life is...and i dun think there's any way i can see any change in my life in the near future..
on thursday at clinic, my patient fell. considering that he has a stroke and cannot support himself well, a fall is not totally unexpected...but, he fell because me and my partner (Julie) simlutaneously took our eyes off him for like 2 seconds while he was sitting on the edge of the bed..the next thing we know,he was on the floor. in a spilt second, i see myself staying back in melbourne during november to redo my clinics..unable to to celebrate my bday in sg..and in that spilt second,i feel like the lousiest person on earth...and right now,i still feel lousy.
in addition, everyone who came to view my apartment all rejected. seems like i am stuck here for the rest of the semester. sighz...and with all the assignments coming up...i feel like i'm in a hot air balloon that has been punctured by a flock of birds..and i am dropping all the way down, without parachute...and about to land on a busy freeway with cars zooming in both directions.
in other words, die die liaoz lor..
only good news this week? well, han wei is officially on leave and going to start school in abt 1 week's time..so he's in a good mood now...which helps to elevate my mood a little. at least he's happy...which takes a small load off me...
went for bodypump on friday with germaine and esther...an exercise class designed to test the endurance and perserverance of superhumans. by the time we are lifting the barbell to train the shoulder muscles, my pectorals and lats are screaming in agony, my quads are quivering and my calves are shaking from fatigue. the next day, i woke up with horrendous aches in my quads and pecs..and today, they are still aching...in fact, they were aching more than yesterday. nothing surrpising cos my DOMS always peak at around 2-3 days after exercising.
all in the effort to tone up so i can look nice and slim when i go back sg...in the effort to boost whatever self esteem i have left after my patient fell...in the effort to try and become stronger so that if a patient ever falls on me again *touchwood*, i have enough strength to hold him/her up...or at least if he/she falls onto me,i won't get crushed to death.....
really wonder what's gonna come up for me in the weeks to come....more crap? some good things?
i am not holding my breath for the good things...all i can do is to try and brace myself for all the s*** that is gonna be thrown my way.
was talking to germaine on MSN and she told me that i have to focus more on the positive things in life..like staying over at her place,she coming to stay over,han wei calling me,han wei being happy etc...
not that i dun appreciate little good things happening in my life.i am glad that my life is not totally falling apart...
it's just that,right now,i am trying to so hard to keep my life together...getting so tired of trying to make some sense out events going on in my life...
and last but not least,exhausted from trying to resume some sort of balance in my life.
on thursday at clinic, my patient fell. considering that he has a stroke and cannot support himself well, a fall is not totally unexpected...but, he fell because me and my partner (Julie) simlutaneously took our eyes off him for like 2 seconds while he was sitting on the edge of the bed..the next thing we know,he was on the floor. in a spilt second, i see myself staying back in melbourne during november to redo my clinics..unable to to celebrate my bday in sg..and in that spilt second,i feel like the lousiest person on earth...and right now,i still feel lousy.
in addition, everyone who came to view my apartment all rejected. seems like i am stuck here for the rest of the semester. sighz...and with all the assignments coming up...i feel like i'm in a hot air balloon that has been punctured by a flock of birds..and i am dropping all the way down, without parachute...and about to land on a busy freeway with cars zooming in both directions.
in other words, die die liaoz lor..
only good news this week? well, han wei is officially on leave and going to start school in abt 1 week's time..so he's in a good mood now...which helps to elevate my mood a little. at least he's happy...which takes a small load off me...
went for bodypump on friday with germaine and esther...an exercise class designed to test the endurance and perserverance of superhumans. by the time we are lifting the barbell to train the shoulder muscles, my pectorals and lats are screaming in agony, my quads are quivering and my calves are shaking from fatigue. the next day, i woke up with horrendous aches in my quads and pecs..and today, they are still aching...in fact, they were aching more than yesterday. nothing surrpising cos my DOMS always peak at around 2-3 days after exercising.
all in the effort to tone up so i can look nice and slim when i go back sg...in the effort to boost whatever self esteem i have left after my patient fell...in the effort to try and become stronger so that if a patient ever falls on me again *touchwood*, i have enough strength to hold him/her up...or at least if he/she falls onto me,i won't get crushed to death.....
really wonder what's gonna come up for me in the weeks to come....more crap? some good things?
i am not holding my breath for the good things...all i can do is to try and brace myself for all the s*** that is gonna be thrown my way.
was talking to germaine on MSN and she told me that i have to focus more on the positive things in life..like staying over at her place,she coming to stay over,han wei calling me,han wei being happy etc...
not that i dun appreciate little good things happening in my life.i am glad that my life is not totally falling apart...
it's just that,right now,i am trying to so hard to keep my life together...getting so tired of trying to make some sense out events going on in my life...
and last but not least,exhausted from trying to resume some sort of balance in my life.
winter fat...winter flab
i did myself proud today. i went to the gym!! and did my full body workout...consisting of 25 mins on a machine that simulates running/stair climbing...40 crunches,10 side crunches to each side, 24 pushups...35 lat pull downs, 45 leg presses...and stretching...
a little thot niggle at the back of my mind- if i ache all over tomorrow,how on earth am i going to transfer patients?? well...at least i feel good now. whatever tat comes tomorrow...i'll worry abt it tomorrow...
melbourne's winter is supposedly MILD...well,i cannot imagine how pple survive in places where winter is not mild...though the snow does pitch cold winters up a notch...something tat i do not get to "enjoy" here in melbourne. in the land down under...winter consist of cold winds,cold air and basically cold everything. the kind of weather which makes u want to stay under ur quilt forever...the kind of weather that makes waking up in the morning a torturous event. so although the temperature is like12-14 degrees celsius max...which on comparison to places with a max of -20 degrees celsius makes me cringe with embarrassment for grumbling..it's still BLOODY DAMN COLD!!! considering i am a tropical girl accustomed to a min of 26 degrees celsius...i think it's valid that i am complaining and grumbling...
and to top it all off...winter is making me fat. ok,i must admit i have had a few binges in the past 2 weeks...usually as a therapy for my depressed mood...more often just cos i am do hungry most of the time. but i am putting on fat and flab faster than u can say "huh?" maybe it's time i use the sauna in college square to bluff my body into believing it's summer and start losing all the insulation it is trying to put on...
i cannot imagine han wei's face if he sees me now...and how hard he would laugh when he pinches the three layers i have on my tummy. oh god...when i see myself in the mirror,i feel like a big fat slob. sighz...ironically,my friend commented today i look slimmer than before..haha...must be due to the thick jacket i was wearing,making me look small and vulnerable...
when actually hidden beneath those layers is a fat and flabby me. SIGHZ!!!!!
couple of people came to look at my apartment today...one of them look quite interested.so hopefully *cross fingers and toes* he would want it..then i can move over the weekend...then i'll have germaine's company!! sighz..that's just if things work out...and recently,that doesn't seem to be the way things are going...argh...
han wei still in bad mood...kinda affected me a little...very teary these days...little bit of wrong i burst out crying like a burst water pipe. geez..i am getting far too emotional.
okie,gotta cook dinner. more food...argh..thank god i am drinking no fat milk (as in less than 0.2% fat means no fat...that's what the label says). and i am motivated to exercise. and hopefully,the motivation doesn't fizzes out in like a week...
missing han wei so much now. when i need him most,he can't be by my side. another irony in my life?
as delta goodrem is singing on my comp right now,"all i know is i'm lost without you, i'm not gonna lie. all i know is i can't be strong without you, i need you by my side".
lao gong,hao xiang ni!! *sob*
a little thot niggle at the back of my mind- if i ache all over tomorrow,how on earth am i going to transfer patients?? well...at least i feel good now. whatever tat comes tomorrow...i'll worry abt it tomorrow...
melbourne's winter is supposedly MILD...well,i cannot imagine how pple survive in places where winter is not mild...though the snow does pitch cold winters up a notch...something tat i do not get to "enjoy" here in melbourne. in the land down under...winter consist of cold winds,cold air and basically cold everything. the kind of weather which makes u want to stay under ur quilt forever...the kind of weather that makes waking up in the morning a torturous event. so although the temperature is like12-14 degrees celsius max...which on comparison to places with a max of -20 degrees celsius makes me cringe with embarrassment for grumbling..it's still BLOODY DAMN COLD!!! considering i am a tropical girl accustomed to a min of 26 degrees celsius...i think it's valid that i am complaining and grumbling...
and to top it all off...winter is making me fat. ok,i must admit i have had a few binges in the past 2 weeks...usually as a therapy for my depressed mood...more often just cos i am do hungry most of the time. but i am putting on fat and flab faster than u can say "huh?" maybe it's time i use the sauna in college square to bluff my body into believing it's summer and start losing all the insulation it is trying to put on...
i cannot imagine han wei's face if he sees me now...and how hard he would laugh when he pinches the three layers i have on my tummy. oh god...when i see myself in the mirror,i feel like a big fat slob. sighz...ironically,my friend commented today i look slimmer than before..haha...must be due to the thick jacket i was wearing,making me look small and vulnerable...
when actually hidden beneath those layers is a fat and flabby me. SIGHZ!!!!!
couple of people came to look at my apartment today...one of them look quite interested.so hopefully *cross fingers and toes* he would want it..then i can move over the weekend...then i'll have germaine's company!! sighz..that's just if things work out...and recently,that doesn't seem to be the way things are going...argh...
han wei still in bad mood...kinda affected me a little...very teary these days...little bit of wrong i burst out crying like a burst water pipe. geez..i am getting far too emotional.
okie,gotta cook dinner. more food...argh..thank god i am drinking no fat milk (as in less than 0.2% fat means no fat...that's what the label says). and i am motivated to exercise. and hopefully,the motivation doesn't fizzes out in like a week...
missing han wei so much now. when i need him most,he can't be by my side. another irony in my life?
as delta goodrem is singing on my comp right now,"all i know is i'm lost without you, i'm not gonna lie. all i know is i can't be strong without you, i need you by my side".
lao gong,hao xiang ni!! *sob*
if i have the power to manipulate time...
If i have the ability to choose to go forward or backwards in time, which would i choose?
go forward,then i can be home where i belong?
go backward, then i can undo the mistakes i've committed?
stay where i am, because that's how life is supposed to be...isn't it?
when did life get so compliated? when i was still a little girl,i always thot life is just study..go to sec school..go to JC..go to Uni..work..get married...have kids of my own and then grow old..then die.
but along the way,things start to go haywire. my mum got sick..then my dad got sick...then i came over here..then i got sick...then everything start to become off-balanced. how did that happen?
sometimes,i wish i am still a little infant.vulnerable and totally dependant on my parents..not having to worry about cooking dinner or completing assignments. not having to go through the pains of growing up...not having to endure the agony of trying to find my self-identity.
then there are those times when i feel so glad i am growing up.i get to do things i couldn't do.i get to say what i want and what i dun want. i get to choose...
but with the independance comes the responsibilities. and these are responsibilities i cannot run or hide from.
i crashed the 2nd years physio anatomy lecture today.sitting in the LT,listening to Jenny Hayes talk about the skull...i start to feel really nostalgic. i miss being a uni student so much. just sitting in the LT,let the lecturer drone on and on abt stuff that i probably won't care until exams come along...not having to be on my feet all day..or on the alert all day...suddenly i wish i am back in 2nd year. though as esther pointed out,that means i would graduate one year later..meaning i have to spend more time here...nope,i dun want that. but what do i really want?
i am glad i dun have the ability to manipulate time.because i would be so torn between going forwards or backwards in time to escape from the presnt. i am happy that i dun have to make a choice. it is times like this that i really appreciate the fact that in life,u dun get to choose very often.
right now...i have no choice too...only thing to do is to go back to my apartment..back to the loneliness..back to the isolation :<
but there's always going to be 24 hours a day...and each hour would always be 60 mins...each min would always be 60 seconds...so no matter how much i grumble and cry...each day would pass...
and that day would come when i would graduate (hopefully...), fly home and once again try and find that balance in my life...which i've lost so completely right now.
balancing precariously on the brink of breaking down, i hope i dun fall off the edge and drop into a bottomless pit. home sick and lovesick...that's gonna be helluva balancing act.
but i'll try...and if i die trying,at least i know i would die without regrets...
go forward,then i can be home where i belong?
go backward, then i can undo the mistakes i've committed?
stay where i am, because that's how life is supposed to be...isn't it?
when did life get so compliated? when i was still a little girl,i always thot life is just study..go to sec school..go to JC..go to Uni..work..get married...have kids of my own and then grow old..then die.
but along the way,things start to go haywire. my mum got sick..then my dad got sick...then i came over here..then i got sick...then everything start to become off-balanced. how did that happen?
sometimes,i wish i am still a little infant.vulnerable and totally dependant on my parents..not having to worry about cooking dinner or completing assignments. not having to go through the pains of growing up...not having to endure the agony of trying to find my self-identity.
then there are those times when i feel so glad i am growing up.i get to do things i couldn't do.i get to say what i want and what i dun want. i get to choose...
but with the independance comes the responsibilities. and these are responsibilities i cannot run or hide from.
i crashed the 2nd years physio anatomy lecture today.sitting in the LT,listening to Jenny Hayes talk about the skull...i start to feel really nostalgic. i miss being a uni student so much. just sitting in the LT,let the lecturer drone on and on abt stuff that i probably won't care until exams come along...not having to be on my feet all day..or on the alert all day...suddenly i wish i am back in 2nd year. though as esther pointed out,that means i would graduate one year later..meaning i have to spend more time here...nope,i dun want that. but what do i really want?
i am glad i dun have the ability to manipulate time.because i would be so torn between going forwards or backwards in time to escape from the presnt. i am happy that i dun have to make a choice. it is times like this that i really appreciate the fact that in life,u dun get to choose very often.
right now...i have no choice too...only thing to do is to go back to my apartment..back to the loneliness..back to the isolation :<
but there's always going to be 24 hours a day...and each hour would always be 60 mins...each min would always be 60 seconds...so no matter how much i grumble and cry...each day would pass...
and that day would come when i would graduate (hopefully...), fly home and once again try and find that balance in my life...which i've lost so completely right now.
balancing precariously on the brink of breaking down, i hope i dun fall off the edge and drop into a bottomless pit. home sick and lovesick...that's gonna be helluva balancing act.
but i'll try...and if i die trying,at least i know i would die without regrets...
Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness a.k.a. DOMS
u know the ache in ur muscles u get when u haven't exercise for awhile and then for some reason decided to TRY and get fit, or when u decided whatever exercise u are doing is not enough and did more than usual? yup, in physio terms, that is known as DOMS, caused by microtears in the muscles due to the unaccustomed activity the muscles went through.
and right now,i have DOMS in my neck,shoulder,triceps,biceps,pecs,gluts,hamstrings and calves. *groan* why? cos yesterday,germaine and i decided to TRY and get fit...lose some of those winter fat we've accumulated...so we went to the college square gym...i went on this running thingie and treadmill, germaine went on the stationary bike and arc-trainer thingie...then we did crunches and push-ups...then we proceed to use the weights equipments....all in the effort to shed some pounds,get washboard tummy and get rid of the flabs in areas in the body that would potentially be visible when we go back sg.
it sounds really sick to say this,but i actually feel good with the aches in my muscles. kinda like i feel slightly fitter...slightly healthier...slightly elevated self esteem and self image. and of course, the endorphins (aka "happy hormones") released in my bloodstream after exercising make me feel happier,less stressed and less depressed.
when the physio students massage each other and start to knead tight muscles, u can hear the "patients" going "Ouch!!! oh..that feels good!" so if a non-physio student walks by the prac room and hear that,we aren't gonna be presenting a good image would w? but well,there is in fact "good pain", because u know that even though it's painful, u feel that ur muscles are relaxing and so, it actually feels good. well, basically, if u are not a physio student, u probably think we are all psychos.
but, we are NOT.
right now, i am staying in one position so as not to aggravate the pain all over my body. this morning,when i rolled around in my bed, i could almost hear all my muscles spouting vulgarities at me for moving and hurting them.
no pain, no gain? i think it should be changed to no DOMS, no gain. cos pain during exercise is a NO NO!! but DOMS after exercise is accpetable...and expectable. *groan*
okie dokie,time to cook lunch. oh,btw,i've started to drink low-fat milk!! yeah,milk-hating Gretel has decided that no matter how yucky milk taste,it's better to get more calcium now so that i won't break my hips after someone knock me on the MRT when i am an old lady.
so i drink milk now. i'm a milk drinker. i feel like an idiot now. cos what's so great abt drinking milk?
it's great because no longer can other milk-drinkers scorn at me for not daring to drink milk. HAHAHAHAHA!!!
okie,hunger must be making my brain wacky.i am behaving rather eccentrically.
LUNCH TIME!! *drool* tata!!
and right now,i have DOMS in my neck,shoulder,triceps,biceps,pecs,gluts,hamstrings and calves. *groan* why? cos yesterday,germaine and i decided to TRY and get fit...lose some of those winter fat we've accumulated...so we went to the college square gym...i went on this running thingie and treadmill, germaine went on the stationary bike and arc-trainer thingie...then we did crunches and push-ups...then we proceed to use the weights equipments....all in the effort to shed some pounds,get washboard tummy and get rid of the flabs in areas in the body that would potentially be visible when we go back sg.
it sounds really sick to say this,but i actually feel good with the aches in my muscles. kinda like i feel slightly fitter...slightly healthier...slightly elevated self esteem and self image. and of course, the endorphins (aka "happy hormones") released in my bloodstream after exercising make me feel happier,less stressed and less depressed.
when the physio students massage each other and start to knead tight muscles, u can hear the "patients" going "Ouch!!! oh..that feels good!" so if a non-physio student walks by the prac room and hear that,we aren't gonna be presenting a good image would w? but well,there is in fact "good pain", because u know that even though it's painful, u feel that ur muscles are relaxing and so, it actually feels good. well, basically, if u are not a physio student, u probably think we are all psychos.
but, we are NOT.
right now, i am staying in one position so as not to aggravate the pain all over my body. this morning,when i rolled around in my bed, i could almost hear all my muscles spouting vulgarities at me for moving and hurting them.
no pain, no gain? i think it should be changed to no DOMS, no gain. cos pain during exercise is a NO NO!! but DOMS after exercise is accpetable...and expectable. *groan*
okie dokie,time to cook lunch. oh,btw,i've started to drink low-fat milk!! yeah,milk-hating Gretel has decided that no matter how yucky milk taste,it's better to get more calcium now so that i won't break my hips after someone knock me on the MRT when i am an old lady.
so i drink milk now. i'm a milk drinker. i feel like an idiot now. cos what's so great abt drinking milk?
it's great because no longer can other milk-drinkers scorn at me for not daring to drink milk. HAHAHAHAHA!!!
okie,hunger must be making my brain wacky.i am behaving rather eccentrically.
LUNCH TIME!! *drool* tata!!
geez,it's bloody cold here...
the end of my first week of neuro placement at repat. all the rumours abt the nasty supervisors have not come true...YET...i guess they are just trying to make things easy for us...let us ease into the placement...then when we are all feeling comfortable and happy,they jump in with their harsh comments and ruin it all. just thinking abt that makes me wanna hide in my quilt and never come out...
saw 2 patients this week. one with parkinsons disease and one with stroke. the parkinsons patient is really nice...and it's a pleasure to treat him. the other patient...well,he's probably one of the more complex patients i've seen...because 1) english is not his first language 2) his stroke affected his ability to articulate his words properly 3) he is depressed and doesn't like to talk. so basically,i'll be there, talking with a big smile on my face "How are you today, Mr X?" and his reply would be a blank stare, then mumbling something intelligible or italian (i can't tell the difference...) and my supervisor is telling me i have to persevere, cannot give up..must keep trying.
well,when u are so tired that u dun feel like talking, try being forced to talk to someone who doesn't understand most of the things u say,and u can't understand most of the things he say.
it's not exactly the kinda social situation i wanna be in. but i dun have a choice...so as my supervisor says,"Gretel, PERSEVERE!!" argh...
well, 2 weeks since i'm gone from sunny sg. weather here getting from bad to worse. tomorrow's gonna be a top of 12 degreees celsius. *shiver* right now,i am cold...kinda tired, a little hungry and generally just looking forward to tucking myself under my quilt and read my book..then it's sleep sleep sleep.
went to theresa's place today for lunch (theresa is a 2nd year physio student). she stays with her aunt, who made yummy popiah, curry chicken,tom yum fish and green bean soup. i was so full from lunch,couldn't eat anything for dinner. though i am getting a little bit hungry....then watched tomb raider-cradle of life with a few of the 2nd years (including dearez germaine). quite a relaxing afternoon actually...so nice to be with a group of people,enjoying good food and just chatting and laughing. though i did feel kinda out of place cos i am the only 3rd year. but overall,i had fun.
the not fun part was when we had to walk to the tram stops to take tram back. and it was RAINING!! so combine cold winds with rain. hence the title of this entry....on top of it, rain in melbourne always make me miss han wei even more.cos he loves rain in melbourne...say it's really pretty and romantic. well,if he was here, it would probably be romantic.but cos he's not, it was the complete opposite to romantic. it was pure TORTURE. argh!!
tomorrow got driving!! yeah,i've start taking driving lessons again. hopefully,by the end of this year,i'll get my P's..then can convert to sg license..then i can drive in sg!! yesh!! only problem..i dun have a car to drive...hmmmmmmmm....
ohh...my brother bringing home his new gf for dinner.called my mum just now and i could hear her grinning from ear-to-ear. finally he got himself a gf...thot he would end up marrying his guitar or motorbike :P can't wait to meet his new gf too. sighz..wish i am back home now...eating mummy's yummy food and watching TCS 8 drama serial.
"this is home,surely...as my senses tell me. this is where i won't be alone,for this is where i know i'm home..."
this year's NDP song...my fav NDP song too. i've missed 3 years of NDP liaoz...gonna miss it again next year :< after i graduate,i am definitely going to watch the fireworks for NDP 2006.
can't wait for the day i don my graduation gown and get to go back home...for good.
in the meantime,it's 136 days to going home for summer vacation. i'm counting down again....counting down to keep myself sane.
saw 2 patients this week. one with parkinsons disease and one with stroke. the parkinsons patient is really nice...and it's a pleasure to treat him. the other patient...well,he's probably one of the more complex patients i've seen...because 1) english is not his first language 2) his stroke affected his ability to articulate his words properly 3) he is depressed and doesn't like to talk. so basically,i'll be there, talking with a big smile on my face "How are you today, Mr X?" and his reply would be a blank stare, then mumbling something intelligible or italian (i can't tell the difference...) and my supervisor is telling me i have to persevere, cannot give up..must keep trying.
well,when u are so tired that u dun feel like talking, try being forced to talk to someone who doesn't understand most of the things u say,and u can't understand most of the things he say.
it's not exactly the kinda social situation i wanna be in. but i dun have a choice...so as my supervisor says,"Gretel, PERSEVERE!!" argh...
well, 2 weeks since i'm gone from sunny sg. weather here getting from bad to worse. tomorrow's gonna be a top of 12 degreees celsius. *shiver* right now,i am cold...kinda tired, a little hungry and generally just looking forward to tucking myself under my quilt and read my book..then it's sleep sleep sleep.
went to theresa's place today for lunch (theresa is a 2nd year physio student). she stays with her aunt, who made yummy popiah, curry chicken,tom yum fish and green bean soup. i was so full from lunch,couldn't eat anything for dinner. though i am getting a little bit hungry....then watched tomb raider-cradle of life with a few of the 2nd years (including dearez germaine). quite a relaxing afternoon actually...so nice to be with a group of people,enjoying good food and just chatting and laughing. though i did feel kinda out of place cos i am the only 3rd year. but overall,i had fun.
the not fun part was when we had to walk to the tram stops to take tram back. and it was RAINING!! so combine cold winds with rain. hence the title of this entry....on top of it, rain in melbourne always make me miss han wei even more.cos he loves rain in melbourne...say it's really pretty and romantic. well,if he was here, it would probably be romantic.but cos he's not, it was the complete opposite to romantic. it was pure TORTURE. argh!!
tomorrow got driving!! yeah,i've start taking driving lessons again. hopefully,by the end of this year,i'll get my P's..then can convert to sg license..then i can drive in sg!! yesh!! only problem..i dun have a car to drive...hmmmmmmmm....
ohh...my brother bringing home his new gf for dinner.called my mum just now and i could hear her grinning from ear-to-ear. finally he got himself a gf...thot he would end up marrying his guitar or motorbike :P can't wait to meet his new gf too. sighz..wish i am back home now...eating mummy's yummy food and watching TCS 8 drama serial.
"this is home,surely...as my senses tell me. this is where i won't be alone,for this is where i know i'm home..."
this year's NDP song...my fav NDP song too. i've missed 3 years of NDP liaoz...gonna miss it again next year :< after i graduate,i am definitely going to watch the fireworks for NDP 2006.
can't wait for the day i don my graduation gown and get to go back home...for good.
in the meantime,it's 136 days to going home for summer vacation. i'm counting down again....counting down to keep myself sane.
depression sets in...
u know how sometimes when u wake up in the morning and feel lousier than when someone stuff an entire chicken up ur ass...and u realise that for that day,u are going to feel lousy?yup,that's how i am feeling now.
CRAP
one word to sum up my emotions. i am completely stressed out over moving out,assignments,clinics etc etc etc....sometimes,i think i would just collapse under the pressure and never get up...
and sometimes,i wish i never get up.those times when i wish i am dead so that i dun have to face all the problems in my life.
and during those times,i scare myself more than anyone else.when the knife in my kitchen look so tempting to use it on myself than to use it on the chicken fillet sitting on my chopping board. at the bringe of losing my control over myself...at the edge of going insane.
i wish there's an easy way out.an easy way to solve all the problems i have now...all the problems i would face in the future...to somehow make time go faster so that i can be back in sg sooner...back in the land where i feel belonged,back into the loving arms of han wei,back to my home with my queen size bed and my mummy's yummy food.
i feel like a meltdown of my brain is in the process.like i am going to just burst into flames and die or something. i feel choked up with tears all the time.the kind of feeling u get when u want to cry but trying not to.
i am scaring myself...i am so afraid i'd lose self control and do something i dun wanna do to myself.
somebody,pls help me.
CRAP
one word to sum up my emotions. i am completely stressed out over moving out,assignments,clinics etc etc etc....sometimes,i think i would just collapse under the pressure and never get up...
and sometimes,i wish i never get up.those times when i wish i am dead so that i dun have to face all the problems in my life.
and during those times,i scare myself more than anyone else.when the knife in my kitchen look so tempting to use it on myself than to use it on the chicken fillet sitting on my chopping board. at the bringe of losing my control over myself...at the edge of going insane.
i wish there's an easy way out.an easy way to solve all the problems i have now...all the problems i would face in the future...to somehow make time go faster so that i can be back in sg sooner...back in the land where i feel belonged,back into the loving arms of han wei,back to my home with my queen size bed and my mummy's yummy food.
i feel like a meltdown of my brain is in the process.like i am going to just burst into flames and die or something. i feel choked up with tears all the time.the kind of feeling u get when u want to cry but trying not to.
i am scaring myself...i am so afraid i'd lose self control and do something i dun wanna do to myself.
somebody,pls help me.
it's been 1 week since i'm back.
bright sunlight fought it's way throught the gaps of my blinds,fighting to light up every corner they can reach in my teeny apartment. i opened my eyes,squint at a ray of sunlight that has found its way onto my face and pulled my quilt over my head. it's sunday morning...and part of me wants to cheer that one week is finally over!!
but there's that other part of me who can still vivid remember the taste of roti prata and laksa,the 29 inch tv at home...and the feel of han wei's arms wrapped around me when i was feeling low and blue. and this part of me wants to stay under my nice warm quilt forever.
although the week that passed has been rather easy to pass compared to the other times i flew back to melbourne,the heart-wrenching pain i get everytime i think of home is not getting any better at all.
many heartfelt thanks to germaine who spent almost every moment of her free time with me...keeping me company and keeping me sane. without her,i'll probably be a hopeless wreck now,crying and sobbing and probably not even able to type this entry. so on the whole,it is considered a rather good week...if i were to allow myself that little bit of optimism.
germaine jokingly said that she has successfully replaced han wei...which i do not agree because,well,no one can replace him :P though i must say that i am starting to depend on germaine in a similar way i turn to han wei for comfort. maybe because we both knew the efforts we put into maintaining long-distance relationships. and we can empathise with each other when something goes wrong.
just in the not too far away past,han wei broke the news that the scholarship interview he went was for an overseas scholarship,and not a local one.when i heard the news,i felt a million emotions zipped throught my head. happiness, cos his dream of studying overseas might come true.sadness,because we might be separated for another 4 more years. panic,cos i dunno what to do or what to tell him. fear,because i am worried the additional 4 years might tear us apart...
in the past 2.5 years,i've managed to pull through with the thought of returning back to sg when i graduate and then it would be the end of a long distance relationship. again,i thot i had my life under control...suddenly,this control is being taken from me. i no longer have a say. i no longer have a choice. i can only face what is going to be thrown straight at me.and i dun like losing control...because i know when i lose control,depression would start to set in.and after fighting so hard to keep the hands of depression away from me...seeing these efforts go to waste is the last thing i want to happen.
sighz.all i can do is to wait.
waiting for someone to call me to take over my apartment.waiting to move in with germaine.waiting for germaine to come to my place tonight.waiting for the scholarship people to give hanwei and reply.
i dun like the fact that the fate of our relationship lies in the hands of some people i dun even know.it makes the loss of control even more agonising.
lao gong ah,wo hao xiang ni ah!!!
but there's that other part of me who can still vivid remember the taste of roti prata and laksa,the 29 inch tv at home...and the feel of han wei's arms wrapped around me when i was feeling low and blue. and this part of me wants to stay under my nice warm quilt forever.
although the week that passed has been rather easy to pass compared to the other times i flew back to melbourne,the heart-wrenching pain i get everytime i think of home is not getting any better at all.
many heartfelt thanks to germaine who spent almost every moment of her free time with me...keeping me company and keeping me sane. without her,i'll probably be a hopeless wreck now,crying and sobbing and probably not even able to type this entry. so on the whole,it is considered a rather good week...if i were to allow myself that little bit of optimism.
germaine jokingly said that she has successfully replaced han wei...which i do not agree because,well,no one can replace him :P though i must say that i am starting to depend on germaine in a similar way i turn to han wei for comfort. maybe because we both knew the efforts we put into maintaining long-distance relationships. and we can empathise with each other when something goes wrong.
just in the not too far away past,han wei broke the news that the scholarship interview he went was for an overseas scholarship,and not a local one.when i heard the news,i felt a million emotions zipped throught my head. happiness, cos his dream of studying overseas might come true.sadness,because we might be separated for another 4 more years. panic,cos i dunno what to do or what to tell him. fear,because i am worried the additional 4 years might tear us apart...
in the past 2.5 years,i've managed to pull through with the thought of returning back to sg when i graduate and then it would be the end of a long distance relationship. again,i thot i had my life under control...suddenly,this control is being taken from me. i no longer have a say. i no longer have a choice. i can only face what is going to be thrown straight at me.and i dun like losing control...because i know when i lose control,depression would start to set in.and after fighting so hard to keep the hands of depression away from me...seeing these efforts go to waste is the last thing i want to happen.
sighz.all i can do is to wait.
waiting for someone to call me to take over my apartment.waiting to move in with germaine.waiting for germaine to come to my place tonight.waiting for the scholarship people to give hanwei and reply.
i dun like the fact that the fate of our relationship lies in the hands of some people i dun even know.it makes the loss of control even more agonising.
lao gong ah,wo hao xiang ni ah!!!
army daze and little mermaid
right now at germaine's place,once again using her teeny weeny laptop to type this entry. currently in a very awkward posture and very not used to her very small keyboard.keep typing in the wrong words. so fustrating.
germaine is trying to decide when to bring me to bridge road,this shopping area in melbourne...or alternatively go exercise. honestly,i think we should exercise to try and lose some winter fat..but winter fat is impt to us...so damn cold here..argh...
watched army daze just now with germie...kinda nice to hear the characters speak in the familiar tongue of singlish...going to watch little mermaid next.germie's housemate came back just now..unlike me,she seems so happy to be back.guess having a housemate waiting for u to come back does make a whole lot of difference...
when am i going to have a housemate too?? sighz
okie,better stop before i develop permanent deformities from typing in such an awkward position.
tata~~!!
germaine is trying to decide when to bring me to bridge road,this shopping area in melbourne...or alternatively go exercise. honestly,i think we should exercise to try and lose some winter fat..but winter fat is impt to us...so damn cold here..argh...
watched army daze just now with germie...kinda nice to hear the characters speak in the familiar tongue of singlish...going to watch little mermaid next.germie's housemate came back just now..unlike me,she seems so happy to be back.guess having a housemate waiting for u to come back does make a whole lot of difference...
when am i going to have a housemate too?? sighz
okie,better stop before i develop permanent deformities from typing in such an awkward position.
tata~~!!
the day i am late for a lecture...
i am not a person who likes to be late,any of my friends would gladly support that point.and of course,being late for lecture is definitely a NO NO for me...but today,i am actually late for a lecture...but instead of feeling upset or disappointed with myself,i feel really good. because i did a good deed today..or at least i thot it is a good deed.
before i go into the details of how i did my good deed for the day,i must mention a sight i saw this morning that nearly caused the peanut butter sandwich i squeezed down for breakfast to perform an anti gravity stunt. what did i see??
well,i was standing at the corner of grattan and lygon street,waiting to cross the traffic lights,when i saw 2 people on the other side of the road kissing. Not that i am against kissing in public, but i have to bring to everyone's attention that both of them are GUYS!! and not young guys,but like middle aged men!!ok,i am not against homosexuals. if one day my friend tells me he/she is a gay/lesbian,i would not run away nor would i ostracise him/her. but,these 2 men are not related to me whatsoever, and seeing 2 middle aged men locked in a passionate kiss at 8.45am in the morning?now that's a sight which i would gladly not see. EWWWWWW!!!!!
so,my good deed for the day? well,i was walking down grattan st towards physio school when in the middle of crossing a road,2 young asian girls stopped me and pointed to a map of melbourne, asking me to direct them to somewhere.while i was trying to figure out where they are trying to go to,one of the girls told the other girl in mandarin to take something out of her bag and show it to me. in an effort to help them,i replied in mandarin,"ni men yao qu na li? (aka where are you going to?)" they were so surprised i can speak mandarin that i've never seen 2 pairs of eyes widen so much in a split second before. anyway, turns out they want to go to the melbourne language center on lygon st . i pointed out the directions to them,but well,they din really know which way to go.so,i walked them to the place they wanted to go,even though that means retracing my way back to lygon st and would make me late for lecture. when i eventually directed them into the center,they were so happy and their big smiles just make the extra walking and me being late for lecture totally worth it. hehe..
well,i did rush my way back to the physio school,running and walking at leg breaking speed in an attempt to minimise how late i am going to be.by the time i sat down in the lecture theatre chair,i was panting and puffing and red in the face and sweating (yesh,i am actually sweating...)
so,in one morning,i've seen a gay couple kiss in real life,prevented 2 chinese gals from losing their way in melbourne and did more exercise than i had in the past 2 months.
feeling accomplished? yeah,pretty much. in a better mood? yeah,sort of.
muscle aches tomorrow? yeah,probably. :P
ah well,the week is ending, and all i can do now is to look forward to staying over at germaine's place tonight and not think abt clinic next week...or the assignments coming up.
tata!
before i go into the details of how i did my good deed for the day,i must mention a sight i saw this morning that nearly caused the peanut butter sandwich i squeezed down for breakfast to perform an anti gravity stunt. what did i see??
well,i was standing at the corner of grattan and lygon street,waiting to cross the traffic lights,when i saw 2 people on the other side of the road kissing. Not that i am against kissing in public, but i have to bring to everyone's attention that both of them are GUYS!! and not young guys,but like middle aged men!!ok,i am not against homosexuals. if one day my friend tells me he/she is a gay/lesbian,i would not run away nor would i ostracise him/her. but,these 2 men are not related to me whatsoever, and seeing 2 middle aged men locked in a passionate kiss at 8.45am in the morning?now that's a sight which i would gladly not see. EWWWWWW!!!!!
so,my good deed for the day? well,i was walking down grattan st towards physio school when in the middle of crossing a road,2 young asian girls stopped me and pointed to a map of melbourne, asking me to direct them to somewhere.while i was trying to figure out where they are trying to go to,one of the girls told the other girl in mandarin to take something out of her bag and show it to me. in an effort to help them,i replied in mandarin,"ni men yao qu na li? (aka where are you going to?)" they were so surprised i can speak mandarin that i've never seen 2 pairs of eyes widen so much in a split second before. anyway, turns out they want to go to the melbourne language center on lygon st . i pointed out the directions to them,but well,they din really know which way to go.so,i walked them to the place they wanted to go,even though that means retracing my way back to lygon st and would make me late for lecture. when i eventually directed them into the center,they were so happy and their big smiles just make the extra walking and me being late for lecture totally worth it. hehe..
well,i did rush my way back to the physio school,running and walking at leg breaking speed in an attempt to minimise how late i am going to be.by the time i sat down in the lecture theatre chair,i was panting and puffing and red in the face and sweating (yesh,i am actually sweating...)
so,in one morning,i've seen a gay couple kiss in real life,prevented 2 chinese gals from losing their way in melbourne and did more exercise than i had in the past 2 months.
feeling accomplished? yeah,pretty much. in a better mood? yeah,sort of.
muscle aches tomorrow? yeah,probably. :P
ah well,the week is ending, and all i can do now is to look forward to staying over at germaine's place tonight and not think abt clinic next week...or the assignments coming up.
tata!
bad news galore
if i thot life was crappy for me yesterday,it sure is doubly crappy today.yesterday, the guy who wanted my apt backed out,so i cannot move in with germaine this week. today, the proposal for a group assignment i have to do is rejected and my group has to redo it. and last but least,the news of yet another long and tiring group assignment coming up. oh,on top of everything else,i've got clinic coming up,so how on earth am i going to squeeze all these group assignments into all the worries of not being able to move out and stress of facing nasty supervisors for 6 weeks??
geez,i feel like crap...
or as Rachel puts it in one the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. episode "...i thoughy i hit rock bottom.but today it's like rock bottom, fifty feet of crap...then me." only for me,it feels more like thousand feet of crap,500 feet of junk,250 feet of garbage...then me.
and the fact that i have to spend every day and night alone for an unknown period of time just adds another million ton boulder onto my already breaking shoulder.
i never felt the need to scream and hide in a corner to cry so much.i wish i can disappear and escape from all these stuff.somebody,HELP!!!!!
i can already feel the fingers of depression slowly grabbing my ankles and one day,it would pull me down into that endless whirlpool of fear and anxiety,tears and sadness until eventually,somehow..i manage to crawl my way out...exhausted and battered,carrying all the scars from being thrown around in that horrible whirlpool.
germaine says i am pessimistic...well,i really dun see the point of being optimistic and getting my hopes up,only to end up with my hopes thrown onto my face like some rotten eggs and only i am left to clear up the mess.
keep my hopes low..at least when the worst happen,i am just stepping in the mess rather than having it all over my face...
and if by some miracle,the best does occur,i'll feel happy and glad that the worst din happen.
but miracles dun happen...not to me anyway.
so...bad news,bad weather,bad hair day. how much more crap is going to be thrown on top of me? :<
geez,i feel like crap...
or as Rachel puts it in one the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. episode "...i thoughy i hit rock bottom.but today it's like rock bottom, fifty feet of crap...then me." only for me,it feels more like thousand feet of crap,500 feet of junk,250 feet of garbage...then me.
and the fact that i have to spend every day and night alone for an unknown period of time just adds another million ton boulder onto my already breaking shoulder.
i never felt the need to scream and hide in a corner to cry so much.i wish i can disappear and escape from all these stuff.somebody,HELP!!!!!
i can already feel the fingers of depression slowly grabbing my ankles and one day,it would pull me down into that endless whirlpool of fear and anxiety,tears and sadness until eventually,somehow..i manage to crawl my way out...exhausted and battered,carrying all the scars from being thrown around in that horrible whirlpool.
germaine says i am pessimistic...well,i really dun see the point of being optimistic and getting my hopes up,only to end up with my hopes thrown onto my face like some rotten eggs and only i am left to clear up the mess.
keep my hopes low..at least when the worst happen,i am just stepping in the mess rather than having it all over my face...
and if by some miracle,the best does occur,i'll feel happy and glad that the worst din happen.
but miracles dun happen...not to me anyway.
so...bad news,bad weather,bad hair day. how much more crap is going to be thrown on top of me? :<
feeling down and under in the land down under
can't belive i am back here.can't believe i am wearing 3 layers of clothes and still freezing my ass off.can't believe i am typing this entry in the phsio school comp lab.
can't believe i am stil alive. *scream*
this week is "STRESSED!!!" week. reasons for stressing?
1)2 assignments due on friday and monday..
2)1 group assignment due on friday that my group has not even start on *pulling hair*
3)clinic starting next week
4)trying to rent out my CS apt
5)moving into germ's place over the weekend
on top of the fact that i am homesick,lovesick and generally already not feeling too good about the stupid weather melbourne has.
i seriously thot i was going to pass out from the cold and loneliness last night.and perhaps never waking up again.
but surprise surprise,i jolt to a horrible awakening when my alarm went off at 7.30am. i shut the alarm and then duck my head under my quilt again. 5 more mins please!!
i seem to only want 5 more mins in bed when i am back here.can't blame me yeah?it's so damn cold that leaving the comfort of my warm quilt is like getting kick in the nuts for guys and going through labour for gals....or something to that effect.
i am speaking nonsense...brain probably not working as efficiently due to slower rate of enzyme activity because of the low temperature...ahh,i still remember something from my a levels bio. *applause*
well,i've survived the first 2 days back in Oz land.146 days to going home.i am counting down...oh,i must mention a big THANK YOU to germaine for spending the night at my apt on my first night to keep me company.saved me from crying my eyes out that night...although i am ashamed to say that i did cry last night. but hey,my mind starts wandering when i am all alone in an empty apt...and generally,my mind tends towards thinking "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE!!!!!" so,out come the tears and my hands reach for the phone and calling han wei for some comfort.sweet guy he is,he tried his best to calm me down and talk me out of my gloom.i can't thank my lucky stars enough that i met him and we are now together. wish i can give him a hug now to tell him how much he means to me...
okie,better cut it out before it gets to mushy
well well,at least germaine is planning to stay over tonight again.YAYYY!!right now,i am trying my best not to think abt tomorrow night,when i am all alone again.
so,146 days to going home...2 more months of cold before spring kicks in and brings some warmth back into my life...6 more days to the start of neuro clinic at repat...3 more days to moving into germ's place...6.25 hours to having germaine at my place...45 mins to the next musc lecture...
counting down to the events in my life gives me a weird sense of stability. kinda makes me feel that with each passing second,i am one second nearer to the day i say goodbye to melbourne and one teeny weeny bit happier...pathetic yeah?
now this is what i call being disillusioned...*sighz*
can't believe i am stil alive. *scream*
this week is "STRESSED!!!" week. reasons for stressing?
1)2 assignments due on friday and monday..
2)1 group assignment due on friday that my group has not even start on *pulling hair*
3)clinic starting next week
4)trying to rent out my CS apt
5)moving into germ's place over the weekend
on top of the fact that i am homesick,lovesick and generally already not feeling too good about the stupid weather melbourne has.
i seriously thot i was going to pass out from the cold and loneliness last night.and perhaps never waking up again.
but surprise surprise,i jolt to a horrible awakening when my alarm went off at 7.30am. i shut the alarm and then duck my head under my quilt again. 5 more mins please!!
i seem to only want 5 more mins in bed when i am back here.can't blame me yeah?it's so damn cold that leaving the comfort of my warm quilt is like getting kick in the nuts for guys and going through labour for gals....or something to that effect.
i am speaking nonsense...brain probably not working as efficiently due to slower rate of enzyme activity because of the low temperature...ahh,i still remember something from my a levels bio. *applause*
well,i've survived the first 2 days back in Oz land.146 days to going home.i am counting down...oh,i must mention a big THANK YOU to germaine for spending the night at my apt on my first night to keep me company.saved me from crying my eyes out that night...although i am ashamed to say that i did cry last night. but hey,my mind starts wandering when i am all alone in an empty apt...and generally,my mind tends towards thinking "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE!!!!!" so,out come the tears and my hands reach for the phone and calling han wei for some comfort.sweet guy he is,he tried his best to calm me down and talk me out of my gloom.i can't thank my lucky stars enough that i met him and we are now together. wish i can give him a hug now to tell him how much he means to me...
okie,better cut it out before it gets to mushy
well well,at least germaine is planning to stay over tonight again.YAYYY!!right now,i am trying my best not to think abt tomorrow night,when i am all alone again.
so,146 days to going home...2 more months of cold before spring kicks in and brings some warmth back into my life...6 more days to the start of neuro clinic at repat...3 more days to moving into germ's place...6.25 hours to having germaine at my place...45 mins to the next musc lecture...
counting down to the events in my life gives me a weird sense of stability. kinda makes me feel that with each passing second,i am one second nearer to the day i say goodbye to melbourne and one teeny weeny bit happier...pathetic yeah?
now this is what i call being disillusioned...*sighz*
in search of an answer
cannot believe tomorrow is the day. i feel so surreal right now.listening to the drilling sounds coming from the upgrading works in the neighbouring block,i feel like my soul have floated out of me and i am just feeling....empty.
last night was a long night.had a tiff with han wei,and came to realise how different the two of us are.the way we view things,the way we handle things,the way we live our lives. perhaps it is this complete opposite approaches to life that brought us together...and may have the power to tear us apart.
now that the tiff is over,and we are both fine,when i reflect on what i've said to him last night,i am shocked at how much i have matured over the past few years.indeed,the past few years haven't been that smooth-sailing at all...and i guess in adversity,i've learnt so much that i din know.
life itself is a process that everyone has no control of.we dun get to choose when we get born,we dun get to choose when we die.we dun get to choose our parents...and for some reason or another,it seems predestined that each of us take a particular path instead of the other. more often than not,the path we took is a result of the choices we made...and sadly for some,the path leads them to all the wrong places...but eventually,we all arrive at the same destination-death.
even though we do get choices (like choosing which school to go to,what course to take etc...),almost every time we need to make a decision,the choices are limited.i might want to choose to study in singapore,but there's no undergrad physio course here.someone might want to choose to go overseas,but have no money to do so.we have limited choices...and the eventual decisions we make from these few choices shape our lives,our personality.
i am no risk-taker,that i know very well.i am not one to play around with the time to wake up for class because i dun want to be late. i am not one to fool around with school rules because i dun wanna get demerit point.since young,i follow almost every single rule faithfully...and that seems to give me a false sense of control over my life.as the years go by,the control slipped from me.i hate getting disruptions in my plans.and yet for the past few years,my plans had been continually twarted by various reasons. with the loss of control in my life,i feel so lost,so helpless...
right now,i am searching for an answer.an answer to the question that i've asked for so long...what is my purpose in being here?
i have no idea...and i have no clues how to go about finding out.
last night was a long night.had a tiff with han wei,and came to realise how different the two of us are.the way we view things,the way we handle things,the way we live our lives. perhaps it is this complete opposite approaches to life that brought us together...and may have the power to tear us apart.
now that the tiff is over,and we are both fine,when i reflect on what i've said to him last night,i am shocked at how much i have matured over the past few years.indeed,the past few years haven't been that smooth-sailing at all...and i guess in adversity,i've learnt so much that i din know.
life itself is a process that everyone has no control of.we dun get to choose when we get born,we dun get to choose when we die.we dun get to choose our parents...and for some reason or another,it seems predestined that each of us take a particular path instead of the other. more often than not,the path we took is a result of the choices we made...and sadly for some,the path leads them to all the wrong places...but eventually,we all arrive at the same destination-death.
even though we do get choices (like choosing which school to go to,what course to take etc...),almost every time we need to make a decision,the choices are limited.i might want to choose to study in singapore,but there's no undergrad physio course here.someone might want to choose to go overseas,but have no money to do so.we have limited choices...and the eventual decisions we make from these few choices shape our lives,our personality.
i am no risk-taker,that i know very well.i am not one to play around with the time to wake up for class because i dun want to be late. i am not one to fool around with school rules because i dun wanna get demerit point.since young,i follow almost every single rule faithfully...and that seems to give me a false sense of control over my life.as the years go by,the control slipped from me.i hate getting disruptions in my plans.and yet for the past few years,my plans had been continually twarted by various reasons. with the loss of control in my life,i feel so lost,so helpless...
right now,i am searching for an answer.an answer to the question that i've asked for so long...what is my purpose in being here?
i have no idea...and i have no clues how to go about finding out.
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