bright sunlight fought it's way throught the gaps of my blinds,fighting to light up every corner they can reach in my teeny apartment. i opened my eyes,squint at a ray of sunlight that has found its way onto my face and pulled my quilt over my head. it's sunday morning...and part of me wants to cheer that one week is finally over!!
but there's that other part of me who can still vivid remember the taste of roti prata and laksa,the 29 inch tv at home...and the feel of han wei's arms wrapped around me when i was feeling low and blue. and this part of me wants to stay under my nice warm quilt forever.
although the week that passed has been rather easy to pass compared to the other times i flew back to melbourne,the heart-wrenching pain i get everytime i think of home is not getting any better at all.
many heartfelt thanks to germaine who spent almost every moment of her free time with me...keeping me company and keeping me sane. without her,i'll probably be a hopeless wreck now,crying and sobbing and probably not even able to type this entry. so on the whole,it is considered a rather good week...if i were to allow myself that little bit of optimism.
germaine jokingly said that she has successfully replaced han wei...which i do not agree because,well,no one can replace him :P though i must say that i am starting to depend on germaine in a similar way i turn to han wei for comfort. maybe because we both knew the efforts we put into maintaining long-distance relationships. and we can empathise with each other when something goes wrong.
just in the not too far away past,han wei broke the news that the scholarship interview he went was for an overseas scholarship,and not a local one.when i heard the news,i felt a million emotions zipped throught my head. happiness, cos his dream of studying overseas might come true.sadness,because we might be separated for another 4 more years. panic,cos i dunno what to do or what to tell him. fear,because i am worried the additional 4 years might tear us apart...
in the past 2.5 years,i've managed to pull through with the thought of returning back to sg when i graduate and then it would be the end of a long distance relationship. again,i thot i had my life under control...suddenly,this control is being taken from me. i no longer have a say. i no longer have a choice. i can only face what is going to be thrown straight at me.and i dun like losing control...because i know when i lose control,depression would start to set in.and after fighting so hard to keep the hands of depression away from me...seeing these efforts go to waste is the last thing i want to happen.
sighz.all i can do is to wait.
waiting for someone to call me to take over my apartment.waiting to move in with germaine.waiting for germaine to come to my place tonight.waiting for the scholarship people to give hanwei and reply.
i dun like the fact that the fate of our relationship lies in the hands of some people i dun even know.it makes the loss of control even more agonising.
lao gong ah,wo hao xiang ni ah!!!
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