不是累，是虚脱。
不是不想要，是不敢要。
不是不爱，是不知道怎么爱。

好像我已经无法再妥协。
好像你已经无法给的再多。
好像在和自己打战，
最后输的、痛的，还是自己。

到底缺了什么？
到底还要什么？
追究到底，我们要的，是不是差异太大？
扪心自问，我们给的，是不是都不对的？

我以为我知道，可是其实我不懂。
我不明白，也已经到了不想去明白的地步。

太多的问号。
太少的句号。
也许，画下句号，会很痛。
但是，扛着问号，会很累，已经太累了。

还是，
..., 无言的结局?
..., 一切尽在不言中?
..., 待续？

~...~

blogger has changed the new post page?
or something is wrong?
whatever...

lost the mood to blog le...
shall rant another time....

~crappy mood~

testing...?

"it's the final blow. it either makes u become a better person or u remain the same.
if u remain the same, then i lose nothing.
if u become a better person, then good for u"

"but if i become a better person, u may not be the one who benefits"

"it's ok, at least i've made u into a better person"

~sometimes, we hurt the one we love most, because we want them to become a better person~

i'm glad that he has become a better person..
that he has grown..
that he discovered he is so much more than what he thought he was..

although with a tinge of envy, i wish them all the best...

perhaps i am no longer part of his growth..
just a speck of distant memory...
and perhaps, i am being presumptous...

and perhaps, i am just trying to make myself feel better...
*shrug*

it doesn't matter...

i experienced the pain of letting go...but it was worth it...
seeing the smiles...
even though it hurt, knowing that he is happy, i am glad.

~keep smiling, ok?~

连续剧，用周围的一切，加盐加醋，夸张然后包装完美地呈现给观众。

我们，不知不觉都被这又咸又酸，放大后后的完美人生给迷倒了。

我们，有些沉迷太深，执迷不悔，无法自拔。
一心要寻找那个完美的男女主角，浪漫的爱情故事，百分百甜蜜的大结局。

我们都忘了，连续剧有剧本。
编好的台词，摆好的灯光，无误的音响，无限的道具，适合的场景。
阵法都摆好了，演员要做什么，说什么，都ok了。

我们都忘了，连续剧是由剪接的。
这里拍一点，那里拍一点，一剪一接，就是一出无暇的戏码。
就算不可能的，都可以用电脑特效帮个忙，变成理所当然的。

我们都忘了，连续剧可以NG的。
说错了词，走错了位置，一声‘卡’后，重来。
直到没有错误为止，重来后，还可以加以修改，再重来。

但是，人生没有这些特权。
因为没有台词，所以我们无法预知对方要说什么。
因此，误会会发生。
因为没有剪接，所以我们无法分两头跑。
因此，再完美的策划，还是会有瑕疵。
因为没有NG，所以我们无法删掉的所作所为。
因此，有遗憾，有后悔。

或许，要求高是为了保护自己，让自己有最好的，那不是罪吧？
可是，最好的，是什么？
如果最好的根本不存在，那么要从哪里妥协？
如果不能妥协，是否一个人过，才能保护自己呢？
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

多少次，我以只要爱一个人，就要学着包容一切。
委屈了自己，那是伟大的。
曾经，我以为只要逆来顺受，就可以得到疼爱。
再痛再难受，那是爱的代价。

有一天，突然之间，我觉得我无法再包容了。
委屈，不是伟大，是愚蠢了。
有一天，我不想再忍耐了。
爱，不应该让我痛不欲生。

当我选择放手的那一天，我不否认，心里是希望被挽留的。
以为因为爱，我松手时，会被握得更紧。
愚蠢的我，当时只想听到被挽留的话，但却选择了极端的方式来引出一句‘不要走’。

结果，没有。
原来那些委屈与痛楚，只是我傻傻地在忍受。
原来，我是可有可无的。
原来，我没有被挽留的资格，因为我其实不怎么重要。

没有了那些委屈，痛也慢慢退去。
我不敢期待被挽留，因为由始至终，我是可有可无的。

我只知道，我不要那样的痛楚。
保护自己，不要让爱冲昏了头。
爱一点点就好了。
这样，结束时，痛也只是一点点。

如今，爱得多深，我不知道。
只觉得自己没有资格去爱，没有资格被爱。
一种两头被拉扯的感觉。

放下过去，怎么做得到？
要怎样，让我遗忘那不被重视，不被挽留的孤单？
*****************************************
在你心里，我有多重要？
你说，我是可有不可无，那么为什么我却感觉不到？

如果被爱是幸福的，那么是不是我要的太多，所以不幸福？
还是，在你内心里，我从来就没有到达被挽留的位置？

it has reached a point when i am sick of it..
sick of trying to find something to compromise...
sick of waiting for promises to be kept...
sick of feeling guilty
sick of feeling let down
sick of it..

SICK OF IT!

keep trying..keep trying...
dun give up without a fight..
yet is this even a battle worth fighting...?
so what if we win in the end?
it's not the end...

perhaps i am being too naive..
i am asking for things which are beyond anyone's capabilities..
but, is it really that difficult?
or i'm not important enough?

'he's just not that into you'

i keep this haunting thought tucked neatly in the back of my head...
locked and buried...
but now, it's back and the feeling is stronger than ever...

maybe, i'll never find someone who is 'that into' me
someone who will live up to my expectations, with minimal compromises from my part

now the question is...
if this person doesn't exist..
do i settle for someone else....
or do i settle for being with myself?

in the past..
fear keeps me from even contemplating a life being all alone...
i visualise old age and dying alone..and i got freaked out..

but now..
i realise...
noone can be always there for u..
except urself..

repeated disappointments have killed the trust i once had for others..
when i gave my heart out, it was trampled and badly scarred...
it took too long to recover before i thought i'll give it one more try...

but the scars are too deep...
and somewhere along the way,
i've frozen my heart...and protected it with all i have so i would not hurt again...

i thought i did a good job...
until that same pain is now stabbing me..
again and again...

i dun want to say i'm tired...
because others are probably more tired than me...

i'm weak..
and at this very moement,
giving up seems like such a convenient option...
so tempting...

so why is it that when i think of giving up, the pain doesn't lessen...but intensifies instead?

life's beauty lies in its imperfections...
so that we can try and make it perfect in our own ways

then why is my life going way off course despite my efforts to make it better?

why?
why?

~why?~