the planning...the anticipation...the excitement!
and now..
nothing...
no more...
left with a very empty pocket
a very emtpy heart
and a very empty soul
it feels like someone reached inside and jumbled up all my organs...
nothing feels right...
just a deep sense of remorse
and guilt..
alot alot of guilt...
mj's grad trip is ruined because he let his HCW gf planned the trip...
mum has been looking forward to this trip for so long...and now, it's not gonna happen
hasn't travelled with dad for more than 3 years...perhaps it's gonna be more years before it happens
perhaps it isn't really my fault...
i didn't ask for the current situation...
yet i'm just very very very upset...
that i've ruined what was to be a very happy ocassion for 3 of the most important people in my life
i dunno if i'll ever have the chance to bring my mum on an overseas trip...
i dunno if there'll ever be another travelling plan with my dad...
and i dunno if mj will ever have the time to travel once he start work...
suddenly,
i wish i've never planned this trip at all...
all the hardwork..
and all the relief and happiness when everything was finally settled...
and all the anticipation for this long-needed break...
down the drain...
it hurts...
yet all i can say is 'sorry' to mum, dad and mj
~why now? why me?~
recently been having alot of thoughts about my future...
especially in terms of work...
kind of in the 'dunno where i really i want to be' stage...
perhaps these thoughts were 'ignited' by 2 'we need to talk to you' sessions with PL and SK
and it really got me thinking about what i want to do and if i am really doing something i want to do, and can do, for the next 5-10years...
details of the sessions cannot be shared...all i can say is that after the 2 sessions, i am starting to hesitate when people ask me if i am staying in rehab or not..
not because i dun like it, because i still love the work...
not because i've found greener grass, because i don't think there are greener pastures
i am hesitating because it never occured to me that i am doing something which my body cannot support physically in a few years down the road...
as of today, i'm already nursing an injured wrist and an occasional sore back...
and since July last year, after that bout infectious mononucleosis, i haven't been able to return back to the 'premorbid' level of physical activity
i am starting to wonder if a few years later, would i need to change my career to something else...more sedentary??
would i want to stay in this job, which gives me great satisfaction but is too hard on my body?
do i need to explore other options? admin? career change? fulfil my tai-tai dream?
i never thought i would 'burn out' just 3 years into being a physio...not mentally burned out, but physically...
yet the thought of being away from clinical work is really depressing for me...
personally, the essence of a PT is in the hands-on clinical work
i love the interaction between pt and PT, between PT and PT and between PT and the rest of the team
i've always wanted to be in a rehab setting....so it chills me to the bone knowing that i may have to give it up sooner than i thought
'where do you see yourself in 3 years, 5 years time?'
i repeated this question to myself many times...
and all i see is a completely blank image...
i really don't know...
and i have a feeling that if i don't figure it out soon...
someone else is going to draw that picture for me...
and like it or not, that'll be my future...
~aimless, clueless, helpless~
especially in terms of work...
kind of in the 'dunno where i really i want to be' stage...
perhaps these thoughts were 'ignited' by 2 'we need to talk to you' sessions with PL and SK
and it really got me thinking about what i want to do and if i am really doing something i want to do, and can do, for the next 5-10years...
details of the sessions cannot be shared...all i can say is that after the 2 sessions, i am starting to hesitate when people ask me if i am staying in rehab or not..
not because i dun like it, because i still love the work...
not because i've found greener grass, because i don't think there are greener pastures
i am hesitating because it never occured to me that i am doing something which my body cannot support physically in a few years down the road...
as of today, i'm already nursing an injured wrist and an occasional sore back...
and since July last year, after that bout infectious mononucleosis, i haven't been able to return back to the 'premorbid' level of physical activity
i am starting to wonder if a few years later, would i need to change my career to something else...more sedentary??
would i want to stay in this job, which gives me great satisfaction but is too hard on my body?
do i need to explore other options? admin? career change? fulfil my tai-tai dream?
i never thought i would 'burn out' just 3 years into being a physio...not mentally burned out, but physically...
yet the thought of being away from clinical work is really depressing for me...
personally, the essence of a PT is in the hands-on clinical work
i love the interaction between pt and PT, between PT and PT and between PT and the rest of the team
i've always wanted to be in a rehab setting....so it chills me to the bone knowing that i may have to give it up sooner than i thought
'where do you see yourself in 3 years, 5 years time?'
i repeated this question to myself many times...
and all i see is a completely blank image...
i really don't know...
and i have a feeling that if i don't figure it out soon...
someone else is going to draw that picture for me...
and like it or not, that'll be my future...
~aimless, clueless, helpless~
人生，是没有剧本的。
不能预知对方要什么，会做什么，想说什么。
没有写好的对白，没有想好的剧情。
所以，不要再把自己套在自编自导自演的戏里。
别人要的，如果不能给，就不要勉强。
不要以为勉强换付出的，会像戏里一样让别人感动、心动。
也许在那个有剧本的虚拟世界，委屈会换来真爱。
但是，
现实是无情的，残酷的事实，要学会接受。
曾经曾经，我以为我爱一个人，就要包容他的一切。
好的、坏的，都是他的，所以我全盘接受。
还以为只要我办得到、忍得住，辛苦一点后，总有苦尽甘来的一天。
后来后来，才发现包容与纵容，只是那一线之差。
原来爱不是只有一方在默默地忍受，那是纵容。
爱是要双方都让一点，到‘接受’那个平衡点，那是包容。
“婚前，睁大双眼看缺点。婚后，闭一只眼将就点”
是啊。
看清楚他的缺点，是不是我这一辈子都可以接受的？
如果不是，那么与其委屈自己或苛求对方，
也许分开才是让彼此去寻找幸福的开始。
加油！
我们都在身边陪着你，你一点也不孤单。
不能预知对方要什么，会做什么，想说什么。
没有写好的对白，没有想好的剧情。
所以，不要再把自己套在自编自导自演的戏里。
别人要的，如果不能给，就不要勉强。
不要以为勉强换付出的，会像戏里一样让别人感动、心动。
也许在那个有剧本的虚拟世界，委屈会换来真爱。
但是，
现实是无情的，残酷的事实，要学会接受。
曾经曾经，我以为我爱一个人，就要包容他的一切。
好的、坏的，都是他的，所以我全盘接受。
还以为只要我办得到、忍得住，辛苦一点后，总有苦尽甘来的一天。
后来后来，才发现包容与纵容，只是那一线之差。
原来爱不是只有一方在默默地忍受，那是纵容。
爱是要双方都让一点，到‘接受’那个平衡点，那是包容。
“婚前，睁大双眼看缺点。婚后，闭一只眼将就点”
是啊。
看清楚他的缺点，是不是我这一辈子都可以接受的？
如果不是，那么与其委屈自己或苛求对方，
也许分开才是让彼此去寻找幸福的开始。
加油！
我们都在身边陪着你，你一点也不孤单。
~解脱，是肯承认这是个错，我不应该还不放手。你有自由走，我有自由好好过。~
突然觉得人都是很懦弱的。
就算知道自己错了，却缺乏勇气承认错误。
而人都是很懒惰的。
认错之后，又有多少人真的用心去改过？
隐隐记得小学时背的绕口令：
有错认错要改错，
认错改错不畏错。
有错不认错，错上又加错。
认错不改错，还有错中错。
有错？不怕错！
要认错、改错。
小小年纪就学到了最基本的道理，
可惜这个社会，都把做错事的人当坏人。
所以我们学会了把错误盖起来，假装它不存在。
我们学会了在错误中找出路，把‘错’的成分减到最低点。
可是在我们千辛万苦地找出路时，是不是又做错了？
为何就是没有勇气认错，然后再改错？
未来的一切一切，我们都无法预料。
从前的种种，我们都无法更改。
能做的，就是把握现在，尽力做对的。
不对的，承认它，那是挽救的第一步。
如果掩盖它，那是不是要不眠不休地找出路呢？
希望我有勇气去认错、改错......
而不是一错再错
突然觉得人都是很懦弱的。
就算知道自己错了，却缺乏勇气承认错误。
而人都是很懒惰的。
认错之后，又有多少人真的用心去改过？
隐隐记得小学时背的绕口令：
有错认错要改错，
认错改错不畏错。
有错不认错，错上又加错。
认错不改错，还有错中错。
有错？不怕错！
要认错、改错。
小小年纪就学到了最基本的道理，
可惜这个社会，都把做错事的人当坏人。
所以我们学会了把错误盖起来，假装它不存在。
我们学会了在错误中找出路，把‘错’的成分减到最低点。
可是在我们千辛万苦地找出路时，是不是又做错了？
为何就是没有勇气认错，然后再改错？
未来的一切一切，我们都无法预料。
从前的种种，我们都无法更改。
能做的，就是把握现在，尽力做对的。
不对的，承认它，那是挽救的第一步。
如果掩盖它，那是不是要不眠不休地找出路呢？
希望我有勇气去认错、改错......
而不是一错再错
it's been almost 2 months since my last blog entry...
dunno why i've been getting lazy with blogging..probably because i dun get much time to sit alone in front of my comp
so whatever alone time i have, i use it to play comp games (new laptop mah, so must make full use of it :P)
but today...
somehow...
comp games do not tempt me..
and i just dun feel like doing anything but let my fingers run free over the keyboard
it's been a rather stressful 2 months...with more stress coming on...
most of the stress comes from planning the Taiwan trip in late May
yes, i'm planning a free-and-easy, semi-backpacking trip to Hualien (eastern Taiwan) with my parents and MJ
you would think that it would be a not-so-difficult task considering that MJ is a student and dad is not working, therefore should at least have the time to help out...
well, at least that's what i thought *stupid Gretel*
"where got time to go onto the Internet and sort out mundane things like flights, transport, accomodations, sightseeing locations etc etc etc? these kind of unimportant things, let the woman (i.e. MOI) sort out...we, men, have more important tasks (honours thesis/assignments OR housework) at hand"
fine fine...since i am apparently the one with more free-time (although i am the only one holding a FULL TIME job among the 4 of us), i shall sort these stuff out. At least help out with making some decisions?
随便!你决定就好
the most famous words they use to reply to anything i ask them..(not just the men, my mum included)
good thing i started the planning early...
at least now the flights are sorted out...
and accomdation for day one is sorted out...(it's a start.....)
where to go, what to do, how to go is in the process of being sorted out...
this is going to be the last time i am going on a tour with these 3 people together...
(at least that's what i tell myself)
GAH!!!
it didn't feel like i have to handle such difficult tasks when i last went to Taiwan...maybe cos YQ was doing most of the work (sorry YQ!!!我知道错了，报应也来了)...and maybe cos going overseas with 5 other females is much more easier than with 2 males...
well, still got about 1.5 months to go..hopefully things will start falling into place and the trip will not be too haphazard...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
一步步走下来，觉得好像已经习惯了自己的日子。
我行我素，不用去在分析另一个人的想法。
不喜欢自己的情绪被别人拉扯着，不喜欢一直失望，不喜欢前思后想。
想念当初一个人时，不用牵挂别人的时候。
要走，就走。
要留，就留。
不用问，不用讨论，不用等。
我就是一个人，要做的，我就做。
不需要听到没做到的理由，
不用去压抑自己的要求。
不必要的，我选择不理会，没有人可以逼我。
现在，顾前顾后，左思右想。
结果，心还是痛了，人还是伤了。
等了又等，结局任旧还是一个‘等’。
失望后，还得勉强自己不要气馁，
再多一次机会，再等一等，等待承诺兑现的那一天。
觉得自己好无聊。
何必把自己搞到心力交瘁，换来的却是我从来没有想要的‘等’？
我不要等，不想等，不愿意等。
做不到，请承认做不到。
不可以，请坦诚不可以。
没办法，请直言没办法。
不要告诉我以后要怎么样，我们也许没有以后。
美丽的画面，只是空中楼阁。
实在的，是现在。
没有必要为我委屈求全。
委屈，也许现在感受不到。
时间久了，还是会原形毕露的。
dunno why i've been getting lazy with blogging..probably because i dun get much time to sit alone in front of my comp
so whatever alone time i have, i use it to play comp games (new laptop mah, so must make full use of it :P)
but today...
somehow...
comp games do not tempt me..
and i just dun feel like doing anything but let my fingers run free over the keyboard
it's been a rather stressful 2 months...with more stress coming on...
most of the stress comes from planning the Taiwan trip in late May
yes, i'm planning a free-and-easy, semi-backpacking trip to Hualien (eastern Taiwan) with my parents and MJ
you would think that it would be a not-so-difficult task considering that MJ is a student and dad is not working, therefore should at least have the time to help out...
well, at least that's what i thought *stupid Gretel*
"where got time to go onto the Internet and sort out mundane things like flights, transport, accomodations, sightseeing locations etc etc etc? these kind of unimportant things, let the woman (i.e. MOI) sort out...we, men, have more important tasks (honours thesis/assignments OR housework) at hand"
fine fine...since i am apparently the one with more free-time (although i am the only one holding a FULL TIME job among the 4 of us), i shall sort these stuff out. At least help out with making some decisions?
随便!你决定就好
the most famous words they use to reply to anything i ask them..(not just the men, my mum included)
good thing i started the planning early...
at least now the flights are sorted out...
and accomdation for day one is sorted out...(it's a start.....)
where to go, what to do, how to go is in the process of being sorted out...
this is going to be the last time i am going on a tour with these 3 people together...
(at least that's what i tell myself)
GAH!!!
it didn't feel like i have to handle such difficult tasks when i last went to Taiwan...maybe cos YQ was doing most of the work (sorry YQ!!!我知道错了，报应也来了)...and maybe cos going overseas with 5 other females is much more easier than with 2 males...
well, still got about 1.5 months to go..hopefully things will start falling into place and the trip will not be too haphazard...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
一步步走下来，觉得好像已经习惯了自己的日子。
我行我素，不用去在分析另一个人的想法。
不喜欢自己的情绪被别人拉扯着，不喜欢一直失望，不喜欢前思后想。
想念当初一个人时，不用牵挂别人的时候。
要走，就走。
要留，就留。
不用问，不用讨论，不用等。
我就是一个人，要做的，我就做。
不需要听到没做到的理由，
不用去压抑自己的要求。
不必要的，我选择不理会，没有人可以逼我。
现在，顾前顾后，左思右想。
结果，心还是痛了，人还是伤了。
等了又等，结局任旧还是一个‘等’。
失望后，还得勉强自己不要气馁，
再多一次机会，再等一等，等待承诺兑现的那一天。
觉得自己好无聊。
何必把自己搞到心力交瘁，换来的却是我从来没有想要的‘等’？
我不要等，不想等，不愿意等。
做不到，请承认做不到。
不可以，请坦诚不可以。
没办法，请直言没办法。
不要告诉我以后要怎么样，我们也许没有以后。
美丽的画面，只是空中楼阁。
实在的，是现在。
没有必要为我委屈求全。
委屈，也许现在感受不到。
时间久了，还是会原形毕露的。
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