the planning...the anticipation...the excitement!

and now..
nothing...
no more...

left with a very empty pocket
a very emtpy heart
and a very empty soul

it feels like someone reached inside and jumbled up all my organs...
nothing feels right...
just a deep sense of remorse
and guilt..
alot alot of guilt...

mj's grad trip is ruined because he let his HCW gf planned the trip...
mum has been looking forward to this trip for so long...and now, it's not gonna happen
hasn't travelled with dad for more than 3 years...perhaps it's gonna be more years before it happens

perhaps it isn't really my fault...
i didn't ask for the current situation...

yet i'm just very very very upset...
that i've ruined what was to be a very happy ocassion for 3 of the most important people in my life

i dunno if i'll ever have the chance to bring my mum on an overseas trip...
i dunno if there'll ever be another travelling plan with my dad...
and i dunno if mj will ever have the time to travel once he start work...

suddenly,
i wish i've never planned this trip at all...
all the hardwork..
and all the relief and happiness when everything was finally settled...
and all the anticipation for this long-needed break...
down the drain...

it hurts...
yet all i can say is 'sorry' to mum, dad and mj

~why now? why me?~