in search of an answer

cannot believe tomorrow is the day. i feel so surreal right now.listening to the drilling sounds coming from the upgrading works in the neighbouring block,i feel like my soul have floated out of me and i am just feeling....empty.

last night was a long night.had a tiff with han wei,and came to realise how different the two of us are.the way we view things,the way we handle things,the way we live our lives. perhaps it is this complete opposite approaches to life that brought us together...and may have the power to tear us apart.

now that the tiff is over,and we are both fine,when i reflect on what i've said to him last night,i am shocked at how much i have matured over the past few years.indeed,the past few years haven't been that smooth-sailing at all...and i guess in adversity,i've learnt so much that i din know.

life itself is a process that everyone has no control of.we dun get to choose when we get born,we dun get to choose when we die.we dun get to choose our parents...and for some reason or another,it seems predestined that each of us take a particular path instead of the other. more often than not,the path we took is a result of the choices we made...and sadly for some,the path leads them to all the wrong places...but eventually,we all arrive at the same destination-death.

even though we do get choices (like choosing which school to go to,what course to take etc...),almost every time we need to make a decision,the choices are limited.i might want to choose to study in singapore,but there's no undergrad physio course here.someone might want to choose to go overseas,but have no money to do so.we have limited choices...and the eventual decisions we make from these few choices shape our lives,our personality.

i am no risk-taker,that i know very well.i am not one to play around with the time to wake up for class because i dun want to be late. i am not one to fool around with school rules because i dun wanna get demerit point.since young,i follow almost every single rule faithfully...and that seems to give me a false sense of control over my life.as the years go by,the control slipped from me.i hate getting disruptions in my plans.and yet for the past few years,my plans had been continually twarted by various reasons. with the loss of control in my life,i feel so lost,so helpless...

right now,i am searching for an answer.an answer to the question that i've asked for so long...what is my purpose in being here?

i have no idea...and i have no clues how to go about finding out.