if i have the power to manipulate time...

If i have the ability to choose to go forward or backwards in time, which would i choose?
 
go forward,then i can be home where i belong?
go backward, then i can undo the mistakes i've committed?
stay where i am, because that's how life is supposed to be...isn't it?
 
when did life get so compliated? when i was still a little girl,i always thot life is just study..go to sec school..go to JC..go to Uni..work..get married...have kids of my own and then grow old..then die.
 
but along the way,things start to go haywire. my mum got sick..then my dad got sick...then i came over here..then i got sick...then everything start to become off-balanced. how did that happen?
 
sometimes,i wish i am still a little infant.vulnerable and totally dependant on my parents..not having to worry about cooking dinner or completing assignments. not having to go through the pains of growing up...not having to endure the agony of trying to find my self-identity.
 
then there are those times when i feel so glad i am growing up.i get to do things i couldn't do.i get to say what i want and what i dun want. i get to choose...
 
but with the independance comes the responsibilities. and these are responsibilities i cannot run or hide from.
 
i crashed the 2nd years physio anatomy lecture today.sitting in the LT,listening to Jenny Hayes talk about the skull...i start to feel really nostalgic. i miss being a uni student so much. just sitting in the LT,let the lecturer drone on and on abt stuff that i probably won't care until exams come along...not having to be on my feet all day..or on the alert all day...suddenly i wish i am back in 2nd year. though as esther pointed out,that means i would graduate one year later..meaning i have to spend more time here...nope,i dun want that. but what do i really want?
 
i am glad i dun have the ability to manipulate time.because i would be so torn between going forwards or backwards in time to escape from the presnt. i am happy that i dun have to make a choice. it is times like this that i really appreciate the fact that in life,u dun get to choose very often.
 
right now...i have no choice too...only thing to do is to go back to my apartment..back to the loneliness..back to the isolation :<
 
but there's always going to be 24 hours a day...and each hour would always be 60 mins...each min would always be 60 seconds...so no matter how much i grumble and cry...each day would pass...
 
and that day would come when i would graduate (hopefully...), fly home and once again try and find that balance in my life...which i've lost so completely right now.
 
balancing precariously on the brink of breaking down, i hope i dun fall off the edge and drop into a bottomless pit. home sick and lovesick...that's gonna be helluva balancing act.
 
but i'll try...and if i die trying,at least i know i would die without regrets...