emotional hell

just had a tiff with han wei.details of which shall remain a secret. dunno whether we would pull through this one.very worried...ironic that yesterday was our 40th month anniversary...yet one day later,we quarelled and now,who knows how many months would be left of han wei and shiyin?

i am fighting with every ounce of my energy to not call him. dun think it would help if i start sobbing over the phone...my brain is just screaming with regret for calling him earlier and kicking a big fuss out of nothing...for making him angry and for making a beautiful saturday into emotional hell.

i can vaguely remember once upon a time when i used to think i am pretty and attractive and talented and that people would fall in love with me right,left and center. possibly due to years of having relatives who "kindly" lied that i am getting prettier.

i wonder where did all those confidence have gone to.and i wonder whether i would ever get it back. cos my self esteem could really do with some sort of a boost to help with my sagging mood.

emailed han wei to apologise...dunno if he would forgive me.

if he doesn't,i can only blame myself.

then again,that's probably what i do most of the time.blaming myself for everything and anything.easier than to find someone else whom i can blame without feeling guilty. if i blame someone else,i'll still feel guilty anyway. so might as well blame myself..

global warming? my fault. world hunger? my fault. increase prevalence of obesity? my fault. hamsters died at home? my fault. hot weather in sg? my fault. cold weather in melb? my fault.

so to everyone out there,if anything bad happens to u,blame it on me. that would make ur life easier...and make my life harder..

but i think i am pretty much swamped with too much troubles to really care that i have another one..so just blame it on me.

because if i can save someone from dropping into emotional hell,at least on some level,i can feel a little happier.

in the meantime,can only wait for han wei to cool down and hopefully forgive me.