the weather in melbourne has suddenly turn from cold and gloomy to warm and sunny...at total contrast to how i am feeling right now.irony again?
i am consumed in a battle between right and wrong,regret and anger.
i no longer know what is right and what is wrong.no longer clear who's at fault.
i regret throwing a tantrum.i regret making a gigantic mess out of a tiny incident.
i am angry at myself for being so idiotic.for being so moronic.for being such a baby.
one part of me is screaming "call him!!make things right again!!" and the other part is yelling "dun call him!! u'll only make things worse!!"
and from the 2 phone calls i made to him after our fight yesterday,i have to agree with the latter part of me. all i do on the phone is to become clingy and sobbing and basically a pathetic mess. giving him the idea that i would kill myself if he leaves me...or something to that effect when i told him i nearly lost control yesterday after our fight. although what i meant by lost control was to book an air ticket and fly back to sg,there's a part of me that knows he would never believe me..even if i told him so.
i am perching on the edge of breaking down again. when just a couple of days ago,i finally took a couple of steps away from that edge,here i am,balancing precariously on the brink of falling over the cliff of distress.
when i woke up this morning,i saw the bright blue sky and a song started playing in my head...
"why does the sun go on shining? why does the sea wash to shore? dun they know it's the end of the world,cos u dun love me anymore.
why do the birds go on singing? why do the stars glow above? dun they know it's the end of the world. it ended when i lost ur love.
i wake up in the morning and i wonder, why everything is the same as it was.
i can't understand.no,i can't understand how life goes on the way it does.
why does my heart go on beating?why do these eyes of mine cry? dun they know it's the end of the world.it ended when u said goodbye."
right now,i dun even know if i've lost him.i dun know what he's thinking..if he's still mad at me..if we are still together.i'm left hanging in the middle of nowhere, pondering and wondering what is going on.
maybe one day,when the melbourne skies become gloomy again,i would start to realise what i have to do to make things right. or maybe one day,i would be able to ignore the huge gaping wound in my heart and try to lead a normal life. maybe one day,i would be able to look at myself in the mirror and not burst out crying.
my mum told me it's not the end of the world.if the worst does happen,i would be in pain...there would be tears and sorrow...but i would emerge from the agony and sadness eventually.
perhaps it's not the end of THE world...but it certainly feel like it's the end of MY world.
so while the rest of melbourne is enjoying the sunshine in their world,i am caught in a raging thunderstorm in my world.
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