the scary thing about having close friends is how much they resemble each other...
and how i much i resemble them...
and from the resemblance, i see the weaknesses in myself, the strengths in myself...
i see the the truth, the whole truth...and nothing but the truth...

the ugly truth...

the worst thing about truths is, we don't like them.
we try to work our way around it...some eventually accept it, others continue to run from it.

i discovered alot of truth about myself in one night...
and it was alot to assimilate...
probably because i really don't like most of what i discovered...

but life so far has taught me that if i work my way around it, it'll haunt me forever.
so i just have to face it head-on.

it'll hurt, but it'll pass.

paradigms have shifted.
while i hold on strongly to what i believe in, perhaps alot of my views are too extreme and biased.

if i can, i want to learn to not care.
if i don't care, i won't get emotional about it.
if i don't need to care, i don't need to feel.

but of course, learning not to care is impossible.
because i'm a homo sapien

and so, rather than learning not to care...
i'll have to deal with the ugly truth that when i care, i am going to get hurt.
and when i get hurt, i am going to retaliate.
and when i retaliate, i hurt someone else.
and because i care, when i hurt someone else, i'll hurt even more.

*ouch*

once upon a time, i live in my shell and isolated myself,
because back then, i thought this would be the way around the ugly truth...
i don't want to get hurt, therefore i hide.

now, i face it with reluctance and shame
i cannot undo what i have done.
i can only stop doing it.

if i can't stop caring, i can only stop retaliating.
and how am i going to achieve that?

perhaps when i was that shy Nobody living in her shell, i was running away from caring for others.
but now, i hope to protect myself and others from my poisonous tongue and mind.
i will care from inside here, but my retaliation will be lost in the echoes of my own little world.

~construction in progress~