it's getting late...
so i shall not blog too much...

dealing with my own incompetency has never been easy...
vivid memories of my clinical days remain...
when supervisors shoot questions and all i can think of is 'i dunno'
but today...
it's my patient who gave me problems...
and as i was standing there...
fuming mad and still trying to calm the patient down...
he shoved me...pushing me away...
that's rejection in the most physical form...
if not for my TA there to help...
i think i would have either a) burst out crying or b) shoved the patient back onto the bed and walked away...
yet, as i watched my TA calmly talked to my patient in fluent teochew...
a sense of failure overwhelms me...
followed by a deeper sense of incompetency...
and eventually, boiling down to a question i have asked myself since i started work
is this what i see myself doing for the next n years?
while i used to be able to tell myself that i'll get better with time...
the honest part of me knows that...
i will never ever get used to patients like that...
u can reject me verbally...
and i can stand there and try to talk sense into you until one of us give in...
but the moment u physically pushes/shoves me away...or verbally abuse me
something inside just snaps...
because, this is NOT what i signed a bond for...
i have better things to do than stand there and try to help u...
while u are shoving me away...
because to be honest, i really dun need to cajole u...
and i really dun have the patience...
which brings me to the question i've been dwelling on for the whole day...
am i cut out to be a physio after all??

i am struggling to grasp this reality...
i understand patient can refuse treatment...
but i dun understand why i have to demean myself to a lowly level...
using all kinds of tricks to get patients to engage in therapy...
at this very moment...
i really 'dun give a tiny rat's ass'
brooding...fuming...
more important of all...
that sense of failure permeates my very being...
as my bed time approaches...
i wonder...
will tomorrow be yet another day...
i have to face my own failure once again?

suddenly, i'm so tired...
suddenly...i just wish i can sit by the river or the beach...
and just chill out...
and not-quite-suddenly, i long for the quiet presence of somebody...
just to be there...
to listen...to comfort...and to make the sun shine in my world again...