it's been a long while since i stayed out till wee hours of the morning...
excluding the few clubbing trials i had in melbourne...
the last time was probably nearly 5 years ago...
me and peileng..
sitting on Andersen Bridge...
playing 2 person tai-di...
waiting for the first mrt train to go home...
and breakfast at jurong east...

memories like this...they stay forever...
memories like this...never fails to make me smile...

last night/this morning, was the second time i stayed out so late/early...
and somehow, the location didn't change much...
sitting by the river...
Fullerton Hotel in this lit-up glory...
gentle breeze and somehow, never-ending topics to chat about
it was peaceful...

experiences like this...i want it to happen again...
experiences like this...always make me smile...

i forget how beautiful singapore is at night...
many would beg to differ...
singapore doesn't offer much in terms of architecture and nature sceneries...
but, i guess i am just a simple girl...
delighting herself in simple pleasures of the uninspiring nightline of this little island...
i'm digressing...

heart-to-heart talk has never been easy for me...
for those who knows me well...
i dun talk well...believe or not...
i may be noisy and irritating as h***
spouting nonsense and laughing like some crazy hyena...
but when it comes to serious stuff...
the lock comes on...and the words stay within the confines of my cranial vault...
i've learnt to hide behind the computor screen...
when :'( is so much easier...
than trying to keep my voice under control
while my lungs scream for air cos of uncontrollable, hysterical crying...
when :) is a far better hiding place...
than trying to squeeze a smile onto my face
so, MSN has become the way i communicate...
perhaps that's why...
i've forgotten how to talk properly...
alot of times, words come out all jumbled in my head...
takes me ages to try and figure out how to put them all together to make sense...
and let's not forget how easily embarrassed i am...
when talking about simple stuff causes extensive vasodilatation in my face...

one year ago (well..364 days ago)
i made a decision to change something in my life...
364 days later...
no regrets...only a deepening sense of uncertainty...
recalling a scene from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.
Rachel needed closure cos Ross has a girlfriend...
so she wanted to get over him...
for me...
i need closure because i think..
it's really time i close that chapter of my life...
instead of letting it stay open...
and i keep wondering what the ending will be like...
cos...the ending is already written...
yet i am still sitting here, with my pen poised over the paper...
trying to fill in the missing bits between 364 days ago and the ending...

tired...really sick and tired...
reaching a point when alot of things in my life...
is fast becoming a 'why'...
instead of a 'how'...
i start to question too many things...
including myself...
last night, sitting at the bus stop waiting for that midnight 174 that never arrived...
i was 'forced' to say - i need to give myself some credit
out loud...4 times i think...
embarrassed? yes...
more than that...
i feel inadequate...
because...i thot only moronic fools need to say such stuff that is only common sense...
and then i realised...i am a moronic fool...
my 'common sense' has become uncommon...
and somewhere between then and now...
i forgot how to just be myself...

lost...doesn't begin to describe how i feel...
it's like i am starting on a journey i dun want to go on...
to rediscover myself
no map...no compass...
only relying on my instincts...
and hopefully, some guidance along the way...