i never thought of myself as someone who needs a desk to call my own..

probably because of the nature of my job...during those clinical days..
my 'desk' was wherever i have left my clipboard on in the ward...
or the little office in 10AB gym...
or the table in the gym B...
in a way, i took my 'desk' wherever i go...
whatever i need to do my work, it's hanging on me..either around my neck or in my coat pockets
and whatever i don't need to bring along, it's safely kept in a locker..

nowadays...
the importance of having MY very own workstation is overwhelming...
the frustration of having to lug everything i need everywhere i go is really getting to me..
and the need to constantly change my location because someone else 'permanent' has taken over whichever desk i was using..
or because whichever cosy corner i've found needs to be vacated for various reasons...

in fact..
it's not just frustration..
it feels like nobody really wants me anywhere...
like a piece of table cloth being thrown around...only use when needed, otherwise can place it anywhere that is convenient...

although..
i do, in a way, have my little space in the PT office...
the feeling just isn't right anymore.
maybe because everyone just doesn't understand why i mysteriously appear from nowhere and occupy a desk space...
it's not so much i feel unwelcomed..
but that i do not feel at ease..
like i am an outsider who is trespassing....

the satisfaction level for my job is dropping to an alarmingly low rate...
i no longer look forward to going to work..
i no longer enjoy lunch time with colleagues...
i think this is really bringing out the autistic streak in me..
sometimes, i feel like lugging my work laptop and work in the library instead..
hole up in some corner where nobody knows me...
just me, myself and I..in my own personal space...

alot of people have been asking if i look forward to going back to clinical work..
and strangely enough, i actually don't miss it that much anymore.
or maybe, it's the fear of restarting the whole process of adapting to a 'new' job scope...

feeling so so tired...
been accomodating to so many people's requests...
yet..
when will be the day that my request is heard and answered?

~where's my cosy corner?~