i thought only teenagers get identity crisis...
the period of time when you dunno who you are...
dunno what you are supposed to do..
dunno where you are supposed to go...

Ms Ni (a.k.a yours truly) is facing a 2nd identity crisis...
at a 'ripe old age' of 26yrs, 10 months, 2 weeks and 1 day

reason for crisis?

i dunno...

that's the essence of a crisis isn't it?
when you dunno what is wrong, you dunno how to make it right...

simply put, i went through my teeenage identity crisis with relative ease..
there were more important things to get through..
and when all else fail, i shrink into a 'i'm a student' identity, shut everything out and mug mug mug!!!

now, at this 'ripe old age'...it's not that simple..

transition after graduation was easy...
undergrad --> PT
and during those PT days, it was easy to...
i was a CP physio, ortho physio, CP physio (again), neuro physio...
then, rehab physio...and just before everything fell apart, neuro rehab physio

perhaps others dun like to be labelled..
for me, it's alot easier to be labelled, cos it gives me boundaries..
i need boundaries to work...

now...i dun even know who i am anymore..

was sitting in for a meeting yesterday and everyone went round introducing themselves..
all i could say was 'I'm Gretel from Rehab'
and today...same story...
'I'm Gretel from Rehab..and I don't really know what is my role in this project'

People has been asking me exactly what am I doing nowadays...
I just jokingly answer 'admin work with many bosses'
yet deep inside, i feel hollow...
like i no longer have an identity...
i am a trained physio who doesn't see patients, but doing work which i am not trained to do.

at the end of everyday, i ask myself 'what did i achieve today?'
and my mind goes blank....
i no longer can look back at a day and feel proud that Mr T walked for the first time...or Mdm L finally managed to climb stairs so she can go home with day rehab...

my days roll into each other...
everyday i sit in front of the comp..
'brain storming'...thinking...researching...sorting...planning blah blah blah
and as 6pm comes around, as i pack and get ready to go home,
i feel nothing but a great sense of emptiness...

perhaps, the lack of a place to belong to aggravates this feeling..
like when i was watching Captain's ball yesterday..
as i sat with the rehab people but watching PTs play...
i was the only one cheering...and eventually i fell silent...
people ask who am i supporting...who am i going to cheer for..
i dun have an answer...

The PT office no longer has that homey feeling...
i dunno most people there..and those whom i know aren't close to me anymore...
Rehab offers little comfort...
cos everyone is busy and no one really has the time to sit down and debrief...

it's been 2 weeks since i returned to work..
everyday i come home, fatigued and nursing a persistent headache...

today...
as i drag my weary fingers over the keyboard...
as my head throbs away and prevents me from falling asleep...
i finally let the first tears fall...

2 weeks down...50 more to go...
hopefully somewhere along the way,
i can finally rediscover who i really am...
and have an inkling to who i can become..