the last 3 months...has been an awakening.

from a therapist...
to a patient...
to a caregiver...

from serving the system...
to being served by the system...
to evaluating the system...

from not understanding...
to experiencing it first-hand...
to pointing out the faults...

from being frustrated...
to being the one bringing frustration...
to being frustrated and bringing frustration

in 3 months, i felt like like i've gone through 3 decades worth of awakenings...

i never really understood the grieving process that one goes through...
until i went through it first hand as a patient..
and then as a caregiver...

the helplessness...the anger...the hopelessness...the guilt...
everything rolled into one big lump of G.R.I.E.F.

emotions are strung tight...
every little bit that went wrong becomes a 'why me again?'
every little bit that goes right becomes a sign of hope and recovery...

rearranging my values..
shuffling around, trying to find a solid ground to rebuild my life...
i can't begin to describe how it feels..

'look on the bright side', everyone tells me...
i am supposed to think of the many many many things i'll learn along the way...
yet...
i wonder...
has anyone thought about the many many many things i want to learn, yet missing out?
has anyone thought of the many many many acitivities i want to do, yet can't do?
has anyone thought of the one thing i need, yet cannot have?

yes, i can try to dwell on all these 'missing out', 'can't do' and 'cannot have' and continue to sob my way through life...
but that's not going to help me, issit?
and so....
all i can do is to bite hard on my lips, swallow the tears and endure the pain within...
and try my best to look the other way...at the things i can learn, can do and can have....

more awakenings await...
the grieving continues...inside...
on the outside, whistle and sing 'always look on the bright side of life'