agony

the day winds down to a slow and torturous pace, leaving me in pain, physically...mentally...emotionally

i've got a sore back...a stiff neck...impingement in my left shoulder and my left knee is acting up again. still looking forward to badminton tomorrow...until i realise we are one player short. 三缺一!! and i thot this only happens in mahjong. badminton seems like a sore idea now. but, i've always loved to play badminton, been wanting to play it since last year...so i am going to displace all thoughts of my physical pain and try to have a good time tomorrow.

mentally, i am definitely sleep-deprived. i only managed to catch an average of 6 hours of poor quality sleep each day. i fall asleep on the train everyday (which is how i get my stiff neck), and my eyes are achy. all the neurones in my brain are gradually being replaced by cotton wool or something. my mind is kinda blank...and yet surprisingly loaded with information that i do not know how to process.

and, i am an emotional wreck. every night, when 9pm creeps its way into my room, i feel a sense of gloom descending onto me. that sick-in-the-stomach, tear-in-the-eyes, lump-in-throat feeling. so far, i've mangaged to keep my stomach contents down, stop most of the tears from flowing and prevent myself from choking to death on that lump. but, how long can i do that for?

life sucks. it sucks big time. and all i wanna do now is to hide under my quilt, cry as hard as i can and hope that everything is gonna be fine when i finally emerge from my little world.

but, i know that things are not gonna be fine. life would go on, as sucky as ever. my energy levels are low, my endorphins levels are low...and where has that happiness from last week gone to?

blown away by the cold, dry winds sweeping through Melbourne.

it's so tiring to put up a strong front, that i just want to crumble and die. just let the helplessness and sadness drown me. just that me take my last breath and bid goodbye to this very cruel world.

unfortunately, i am not blessed with that kind of courage. and also not endowned wtih the gift of facing up to the people around me.