not again...

it hits me like a punch in the face. unexpected and totally out of the blue. one moment,i'm on the top of the world. less than a second, i find myself in the depths of all these familiar feelings i had a year ago.

darkness and misery twirling their long, sickening fingers around my face. the cold seeps into my bones, and the energy being so slowly extracted from me.

i fought harder than i've ever tried. i knew that if i gave in, i'd take many months to get out. and so i fight with every ounce of courage i can summon, every cell in my body screaming for help. every thing in my world turns bleak...i can feel it winning...and i know it would win if i let go of my desperate grasp for happiness. for that fuzzy warm feeling i had just a week ago.

feeling myself sinking deeper and deeper. i felt my mouth open in a silent scream for help...i feel my throat hurting from the exertion, and yet, no one hears me. i'm losing hold of whatever i've had. lost sight of the happenings around me. i feel alone. the kind of loneliness you feel only when you get sucked into this world. i seem to hear someone telling me to walk out of this world. yet all i see are shadows beyond my reach...

am i losing this battle yet again? is this the beginning of the horrors i went through a year ago? i don't want to revisit this nightmare again. i'm scared. i dun like the familiar prick in my eyes as i type this entry. i dun want to break into the uncontrollable sobs i hate. i dun want to feel like there's nothing more for me to keep surviving, to keep trying...i dun like being where i am now.

i want to get out. out of this pain, out of this misery...out of this depression that is trapping me in its clutches.

i want to get out...